Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. Tip of the day: Oreo cookies and Sour Cream and Onion Lays chips are a bad combo. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Wow, you say. It's AK doing letters on a weekday! What a crazy, mixed up world we live in. I'm a bad influence on Drew, I guess. Anyway, he's prepared a statement for yall. He wrote it in his own blood, too! I'd scan in the letter, but I'm making it up, he actually sent an e-mail. Here's how it goes.

Hello, this is a message from The Beyond. Yes, that's right, I've slipped into that mysterious and seemingly insurmountable void known as "Finals Week," with which I'd wager those of you in college and high school are all too familiar with. So, although it may be more enjoyable to believe that my absence is to due the fact that I'm sitting around eating Doritos and drinking Mountain Dew while playing all of the latest video games, the truth is that I'm cranking out the work like a madman to compensate for all of the slacking and procrastinating which I've been indulging in for the full duration of the semester.

Now, you've probably heard just enough of my self-indulgent, personally-focused prattle and various excuses, so I'll just move along to the matter at hand. Everyone's favorite cute-animal-sidekick-loving Fraundorf will be helping you to recover from the pain which I've consistently afflicted upon you for the remainder of the week. Don't get too excited; I'll be back Monday to ruin all of your fun, and once again frighten you into the corner where you'll quiver and sweat like a fear-stricken rabbit. Until then, have fun, blah blah blah. Unless, of course, something unforseen happens, such as an airborne country home landing atop me, causing me to curl up like a piece of linoleum under the direct concentration of a hair dryer.

I'm also in the midst of finals, but I love you guys too much to leave you letterless for too long. That and I needed an excuse to procrastinate from studying. Besides, I'd rather read letters than sleep. Really!

I'm glad I got you all riled up! I wasn't really into Sluggy Freelance all that much until recently, but now I'm a total addict. I'm still going through the archives... I actually worry about the day that I get caught up, because my life will be without a goal and direction at that point. Sluggy rocks me.

Oh yeah, content in my reply. "Nintendo 64."

Well, I'm all for realism in games. Of course, I can't think of any female that would enter a fight without a sport bra that would curtail the bounciness, but hey. Whatever.

Here a tip, though, Spuzzz: real ones bounce too. Get out there, see some girls! You'll thank me for it later.

Metroid has always been a fun diversion for me, but it doesn't really get my dander going. The thought of Zelda on the Dolphin is exciting, but that excitement is dampered by the fact I was disappointed by Ocarina of Time. What does get me going? Two words: Final Fantasy. If Square can manage to push the PS2 to its limits, that Final Fantasy might be the game that changes gaming forever. Like, REALLY change. That's not very well said, but I'm sleepy and I think you get my point.

Shen Mue is looking pretty good, as is Evolution. Those Dreamcast titles can't carry it, RPG-wise, however. There's still plenty of time for a killer RPG-app. I'd love to see one. Until then, we'll just have to play Chu-Chu Rockets. Again, neither Zelda nor Metroid really excite me on the N64... but Square on the PS2 does.

A Square console? An interesting thought... but Square is Squaresoft, not Squarehard. They've never done hardware before, and I don't see that happening anytime soon. But it's an interesting thought, anyway.

That's a tall order, but I'll see what I can do. I'll have to pull some strings...

I haven't actually finished Xenogears. I'm pretty far, but I ran out of time to play, and it's been so long since I played I'd need to restart to be able to understand the story... and who has time for that? The ending thing I had heard about before, and I don't know the deal behind it. It's a good question, though. And the numbers thing is interesting, too. I wish I knew what significance, if any, was there.

Farming RPGs rock. I wish farming RPGs grew on trees. I'd love to reap those harvests often. Yadda.

Closing Comments

I'm going to be back tomorrow, so send me mail. If you don't, we'll have a boring column, and that's not good.

-Andrew Kaufmann