Hyrule is not enough - November 26th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I'll hide my coke inside of your body. Don't say that I didn't warn you.
Good morning, Mister Hunt. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to read this morbid train wreck of a column. Several operatives, will, of course, be standing by to aid you in this endeavor.
| News pack rats |
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Dear Agent,
With all the hype about Chrono Cross (Deserved interest mind you.)
in the past few months information about the fate of some games has
grown cloudy. Of theses titles Wild Arms: 2nd Ignition is one of the
most deserving of additional interest. From what little reviews I've
seen this title looks rather good and on par with many of the AAA titles
out there today. So what is this games future? Do you see a translation
in the works? Is Sony being mysterious on purpose? Is PS2 overshadowing
any other developments. (Doubtful seeing Legend of Dragoon recently.) So
I ask you Double Agent, what do you know?
-Joe Meyer
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Well, believe it or not, as we get new information regarding games, we post it in the form of a news article. We don't horde stories or neglect certain titles. Really. We don't, I swear it.
However, if it would make you feel an air of superiority about yourself and fuel your petty vindictiveness to believe that we're just a bunch of lazy bastards, go right on ahead. I have nothing against aiding people in becoming pompous elitists.
| I'm so naughty |
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I didn't really like the soundtrack to FF6. I liked Paladin's quest.
The moral is, everyone is entitled to their opinion. No matter how stupid or close-minded it is.
-Blue XXXI
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Everyone is entitled to their opinion, no matter how wrong it may be.
| You silly guy. But now you must die. |
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Drew,
I think the only name we could possibly give to Zelda
"Gaiden" is:
Zelda: Another Stupid Sequel
That's right, Zelda: ASS
Oh, wait. That's naughty.
-Aaron L.
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I was wondering who was going to be the clever little prankster to come up with an obscene acronym upon reading yesterday's topic. And guess what, Aaron; it's you! So, in celebration of the moment, I'll be a swell guy and hook you up with a Sexalicious Award, simply because I haven't handed one of those out in a while. I try to balance out the awards. And you probably thought that I hand them out accordingly, rather than on a regimented basis. How foolish of you.
Remember, once the thousand years of imprisonment have ended, the Sexalicious Award will once again walk the earth in search for its pre-ordained bride so that it may conceive its unholy child, ushering in the end of days. The only way to prevent such an ill fate is to recruit Arnold Schwarzeneggar and engage it in a three-stooges inspired eye-poking, girlish slapping match until the acursed award runs off crying out "You guys suck!" and retreats once more to the bowels of hell.
| Impressive |
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I think that Zelda Gaiden looks very impressive. Although I'm a bit disappointed that Miyamoto-sensei is not directly involved with the development of the game (I worship the man as God), I have a feeling that his training of the people who are making it will make it shine brightly with hopefully a small portion of the Miyamoto Magic still in-tact. The Expansion Pak ought to get rid of some of those edges that Zelda 64 suffered slightly from, too. (I'm going through the game for my second time since my very first time last November.... and even after playing FF8 with it's stunning FMV, I'm still very impressed with Z64's overall presentation... After all, practically everything in Z64 is in real-time, not pre-rendered like in FF8... I've yet to be disturbed by jagged edges or anything that people complain about.)
At least it doesn't revolve around defeating Ganon and saving Princess Zelda this time (as far as we know of the story, anyway). Besides, look at that Stalkid character... He's a strange one. Although I think it's supposed to be Skull Kid... Ya know, those characters that hung out in the Lost Woods in Ocarina of Time. But I could be wrong.
And of course, from the screenshots so far, Navi is nowhere to be found! ^_^ There are two new fairies that seem to be in there (Bell and Mondo), but I've yet to see that annoying Navi anywhere... Nintendo Power Source (http://www.nintendo.com/n64/zeldagaiden/) has some pretty cool screens from it, you guys may have them up too but I haven't checked yet. I'm personally fond of the cut scene of Deku Scrub Link looking into the pool of water.... That and Zora Link playing the guitar. In the end, even though Miyamoto won't be focusing all his talents on the title, the fact that he is overlooking it is good enough for me. Because if he isn't directly involved in that project, he must be focusing on something more important.... Hopefully Mario and Zelda titles for Nintendo's next-gen system. Oh, and Metroid, please? You know it's coming....
~Seiferoth
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From what I've read, there is actually an Evil Navi or somesuch in Gaiden. How that will end up being presented, I couldn't tell you, but that's what I've heard. Hey, you like how I make it sound as though I have some kind of industry connections by citing articles I've read on this very site? I'm pretty good at making myself appear more interesting and important than I actually am. Call it a skill.
Just a quick mention: I'm not so sure that we'll ever see another Metroid title. For one thing, the series was never as popular in Nintendo's homeland of Japan as the company's other franchises. Nintendo is currently in the process of trying to woo the Japanese audience once more with its Dolphin, so they're going to concentrate on their more popular series with the Dolphin. Another major factor is the fact that Gumpei Yokoi, the creator of the Metroid series, died some time back in a car accident. But hey, I could be completely, totally incorrect on that estimation. You never know.
Just as a dislaimer, should it wind up that I am completely, utterly wrong on my prediction, don't send me any letters pointing it out. I already admitted that was a potential outcome; what the hell else do you want? You can be so demanding at times.
| No one lives forever |
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[The Nintendo Entertainment System: Your parents help you hook it up. The Legend of Zelda sold seperately.]
As a slothering Zelda and Miyamoto fanboy, I can't help but be ecstatic about the upcoming Zelda game. On one hand, it could be the best game yet in the series; I liked OoT, but now that the engine is down, it can be refined and Gaiden (or whatever you want to call it) will be spiffier. The addition of several new masks is great, and I'm hoping for some unique items. Finally, the departure from the "save the princess" routine really made LA 'leeter IMWO.
On the other hand, it could be disastrous. I trust the other guys at Nintendo, but some things could ruin the game. I don't like the idea of a time limit, because I prefer to have lots of time to explore and simply look at the scenery. Also, I'm hoping that Gaiden offers new goals instead of being OoT with more levels (although I wouldn't mind that, being the fanboy I am). Other minor problems, such as the Menu System of Evil, will remain from OoT.
All I ask is that the game be dubbed, "The Legend of Zelda: The Winky Winky Wink Moon." (tLoZ:tWWWM.... hmm...) Blargsharblarg.
-Sir Sparkle
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Well, the last that I heard, Mister Miyamoto was a mortal human being, so it may be for the best that he's training others in the company to pick up where he left off. Eventually the time will come for him to retire, and if he's carried the weight of every major project up until that point, it would be disastrous for Nintendo. At least in this manner, there will be those who are capable of following in his footsteps and all of that.
| Save the world! (All three blocks of it.) |
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Unlike most people (gasp!) I didn't like Zelda 64. In fact, I hated the game. It was too childish and slow-paced for my superhuman intellect and frayed cranial nerves. Link's childish grunts annoyed me so, and I didn't understand why everyone loved it so much.
But I liked the engine. So how can Zelda Gaiden become a paragon of gaming? If Nintendo follows these steps, I might actually play it...
1. Have the theme song sung by Garbage.
2. Give Link a gun, and make him stop grunting like a child.
3. Replace Zelda with Denise Richards, and replace Ganon with Sophie Marceau.
4. Instead of a retarded looking horse, give Link a BMW Z8, with all the usual refinements...
5. Instead of ending the game in a castle (like in ALL Zelda games), why not end it on Hyrule's one large satellite reciever? Or what about a sinking nuclear submarine in Lake Hylia? Either of those would be good.
6. And finally, instead of holding that damn heart piece up like a loon every time he kills a boss, Link should make a sarcastic quip, such as "That Dodongo had a explosive personality."
Then I might want to play as...
Shigeru Miyamoto's Link in:
"Hyrule is Not Enough."
Coming to an N64 near you.
-Morpheus
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You know, that actually leads me to a point which I've always wondered about: how come the entire "world" that you're always trying to save in any given Zelda game is about equal to the size of a small rural town? Take Zelda 64 as an example. All the havoc that Ganon has wreaked amounts to trashing Hyrule Palace and putting that boob Ingo in charge of Lon-Lon Ranch. Considering all of the trouble that Link has to go through to enter Ganon's castle and do away with the guy, why don't they just build another castle elsewhere and leave him be to rot away in his throne room until he eventually dies?
It's kind of hard to get all worked up over saving approximately 12 acres of land populated by around 10 people. I say that Hyrule isn't enough, dammit. Let's get a multi-continent, town laden Zelda title. With an airship. And a hard-drinkin', smack-talkin' pilot with a dream of one day making it into space to pilot the airship. Things like that.
| Quite the intellectual |
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Drew,
Blah blah blah Zelda Gaiden, blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah
blah blah blah blah; blah blah -- blah blah blah! Blah blah Link, blah blah
Gannon, blah blah blah blah... Blah Navi blah blah blah blah blah, blah
blab blah ^_^. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah
blah.
Blah blah,
-jeremy
p.s. Blah blah blah (blah blah), blah blah blah blah blah!
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The very level of intelligence and insight displayed in every last one of the letters sent to me on a daily basis never ceases to amaze me, let me tell you. Thanks for your well-formed thoughts on the matter, Jeremy. Although I'd tend to disagree with a few of the points which you made, I'll let them slide as the rest of your letter was thoroughly thought-provoking and enjoyable.
P.S. Yeah, same to you, buddy.
Closing Comments:
Okay sexies and sexettes, your friendly neighborhood AK will be in shortly to fulfill all of your erotic letter needs, so be certain to toss him a few bones. And no, that repulsive pun was not intended. Okay, so maybe it was intended just a little bit.
-Drew Cosner
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