Don't worry; columns like this come but once a year. - November 24th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
A year can be quite a long time. It's been an entire 365 days since The GIA first popped its greasy head onto the Internet, and
since that time it's grown, both in actual size and in popularity, and matured. Ironically, while The GIA may have matured, we
as the staff remain the same immature, toadish little punks that we've always been; I like to think of that as a part of our
charm. If you disagree with me on that thought, stuff it. I'm trying to sound deep and reflective for one day of the entire year;
work with me here. Ever since I stumbled into the room in a drunken stupor and informed you that your bum looks like a pair of
basketballs being held captive whenever you wear your maroon evening gown, you've gone out of your way to be obstinant and
disagreeable.
At any rate, for today's column, I've decided to indulge in the celebratory spirit a tad. Whenever sharing in an experience such
as the chaos which has been this site's existence, there are bound to be a few key moments which remain in your mind as
being particularly fond. Or so I'd like to think. Perhaps I'm getting overly serious with all of this, and I'm trying to make a
petty gaming site sound like a damned institution, but you only have to hear this kind of bosh from me but once a year.
And so, this installment of Double Agent spotlights the thoughts, opinions, and overall recountance of both the staff and you
readers, without whom we'd not have any good explanation when asked by friends and family just why it is that we insist upon
sticking our faces into our "god damned computers" for hours on end. My role is minimal; after all, these are your recollections
and memories of The GIA's illustrious (or perhaps infamous) one-year career.
| Time flies when you're making life miserable for others |
|
Hey, Drew.
So it's been a year, huh? One year and a little bit, since I originally
tried launching Double Agent just around Hallowe'en, to try and keep
interest in the site up while it was in development. I failed and gave
up pretty quickly, but there we are.
It's been a long year. I've probably had more arguments about and
through GIA than any other endeavour I've undertaken, unless dating
counts. I've griped, I've whined, I've fought, and now I can sit back
and watch as Drew struggles with the deadline despot. You're a lot less
likely to see people being called idiots and psychotic hardcore gaming
fanatics in DA these days. You're less likely to see snide comments
about gay porn here. Things change.
GIA is different, too. Brian M. resigned a while back. I'm leisurely
working on Vaults and a Langrisser retrospective. Slick Glick's occupied
more often than not. AK has become addicted to cocaine, dousing his
nostrils with white and sick passion every four hours or so, when the
high starts to dwindle, and the whites of his eyes start to show again.
We've got a wealth of new people, propping up Fritz, who stumbled
on-staff and became the bedrock on which the site is operated. Old DA
correspondents like Arpad are now being harassed to do box art stories.
I scarcely know half the staff, these days. Things change.
Enix has rejoined the US market. The Dreamcast is alive. The PS2 is
waiting in the wings. Shen Mue is competing with Dragon Quest VII for
the most-delayed, most-anticipated game ever. Front Mission 3 will see
US release (I'm pining for Growlanser to get the nod, and so should you).
Final Fantasy VIII, whose preview our site was virtually founded on,
seems distant now, dwindling against a background of lights. Things
change.
It's a very different GIA today than was founded a year ago. In the year
to come, it'll change even more. Let it. Change is good. Enjoy. Now
get back to drooling over the Chu-Chu Rocket commercial. The sermon is
over.
- Allan Milligan, in deep cover
|
| In the beginning... |
|
Well, first off, I have to respond about my clothes. I would like to pointout that I have the finest fashion sense, and I insist on purchasing my
clothes from fine mall outlets and Salvation Armys. Or is that Armies?
Hmm. Anyway, it's hard to come by canaray yellow jackets at the mall, so
sometimes you have to visit the Salvation Army. You know how it goes.
My favorite GIA moment, as a whole, is probably the very beginning, at the
launch. There was such a rush of creativity and enthusiasm from all sides,
which resulted in myself and the other founding members settling on a name,
theme, design and layout. While a lot of the details were hard to work out
and took months of work, the flood of energy and optimism that burst forth
when we decided for sure to make a web page to compete with other RPG sites
was unforgettable.
While that same enthusiasm isn't as vibrant today as it was then, it still
flows through our veins, and rocks my house, baby.
-AK
|
| We're an excitable bunch |
|
Probably the best moment I can recall was coming into the staff IRC channel one night, and seeing everyone all excited about something. When
I asked what was going on, I got a great big zip file of pictures that
held the possibility of being FFIX documents. Whether they end up being
FFIX, Tactics 2, a gaiden of some sort, or nothing at all, they were
definitely Square documents for some game that had never been seen, and
I felt incredibly honored to be among the first to see them. Even though
I practically exploded trying to not say anything about it, while we
tried to get more information to find out for certain what they might
be...
-Andrea Hartmann
|
| Somehow I don't recall this particular event |
|
Drew,
I would honestly have to say that my favorite moment in GIA's history was
when you proposed to me at E3. I'll never forget the sparkle in your eye
as you stood on Sony's catwalk and proclaimed, quite loudly, to the whole
show that I was your love muffin. I still get goosebumps to this day.
-Brian
|
| Strictly confidential |
|
Howdy.
My favorite GIA moment? That would have to be when it was AV's birthday, and
we got him those Asian go-go dancers in the moogle costumes, and then he...
wait a sec... maybe I better not mention that.
-Arpad "I WANT THE SEXY DWARVE" Korossy
|
| Only AV could fall asleep directly beneath a speaker blaring the Pokemon theme |
|
The best moment of last year was watching a bunch of Square exec's pointing
and lauging at whilst AV lay passed out 'neath a gigantic Pikachu at the
Pokemon Yellow booth. Such moments will live on forever.
-Rummy
|
| In the form of a timeline |
|
Dear SuperDrew,
This may seem like pandering, but since I'm fellow staff, I
don't think it counts. So here are my favorite moments from the
past year, by month:
January - I start working as a speechwriter. (link to
www.thegia.com/ed/seal.jpg) Square announces the FF Collection
in Japan. There is much rejoicing, none of which I can
translate.
February - Sega releases a downloadable VMU mini-game for Shen
Mue. The gaming world oohs and ahhs at the gift of many dancing
pixels. Yu Suzuki says the game, scheduled for a spring
release, is currently 60% complete.
March - Shen Mue is delayed to August, I turn 20. At least AK
is older.
April - I join the staff and become the 47th staffer to update
the Shen Mue preview. My car is stolen.
May - E3!!! (link to www.thegia.com/ed/foamE3.jpg) WHOOOO!!!!
A healthy chunk of the GIA clan meets up in LA for an absolutely
showstopping E3. Me, you, AV, Glick, and our photographer Rummy
have a blast chilling w/the best and brightest in this
ever-pimpin' industry.
June - Sorting through my post E3 garbage. Square announcing
that FFIV is cut from the collection, when causes a deluge of
thousands of e-mails from 6 very angry fans.
July - Wrote harmless Pokémon story,
(http://www.thegia.com/news/n990721b.html), angry mob of Pikachu
fans storms FSU's campus demanding to know why I didn't mention
his name in the article.
August - Classes begin anew... oh wait, I took summer classes
also. Ick.
September - After many, many months of non-stop mocking towards
Shen Mue, I finally get a flame. About time.
October - The hype for Chrono Cross hits a fever pitch, awesome
music samples begin leaking out from Japan. Uematsu kills his
sound engineer and cries himself to sleep.
November - Celebrating a GIA birthday!
It has been a tumultuous year for me, GIA and otherwise, but I
wouldn't trade it (or my place on the GIA staff, however MIA!)
for anything. I don't lie when I say that your joining the
staff was also a definite highlight, Drew, and we all appreciate
your efforts to stay entertaining in the most thankless job a
site has to offer. The staff here has built something truly
special, and I'm honored to have a place within it.
Long live the GIA!
-Ed McGlothlin
|
| And lastly... |
|
Final Fantasy Gaiden. 'Nuff said.
Runner-up awards go to 'I HEARD A GUY SOMEWHERE IS GAY' and the day we posted so many updates that some guy wrote to us begging us to stop updating because he couldn't read that fast.
-Fritz Fraundorf
|
And there you have our own personal words on the matter. Don't you feel as though you've been enlightened? Of course, you're
probably quite tired of hearing from us, seeing as we're in your face every other day of the year as it is, so let's move along
and see just what you crazy, sexy readers had to say.
| That Santa is always up to no good |
|
Well Drew I was going over several of the great moments of GIA history and
came up with a letter from last December:
"St. Nick's Christmas Revenge!"
Ah, Christmas. That time when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of
receiving hundreds upon hundreds of various RPGs. Or...maybe not.
Nevertheless, Christmas is going to be rolling around sooner than we think,
but will it be a happy Christmas for all of us? See, there's this
problem...there's too many damn good RPGs out there this year. How could I
possibly afford them all? Or ask for them all? Luckily, I already added
Xenogears to my growing collection (Which is an excellent game, best I've
played since FF2, IMHO) so that is no concern. But what of Tales of Destiny?
Lunar? Azure Dreams? Kartia? God knows what else! And with the release of the
Dreamcast near upon the horizon, one must save one's money for the system
that looks like it will be Sega's first success in years. (I BELIEVE YOU
SEGA!! GOLVELLIUS AND WONDER BOY 3 ALL THE WAY!!!) So HOW? How can one afford
such a number of products? Simple answer: you can't. (Unless you're a little
rich boy/girl, in which case, can I borrow 50 bucks?) So this is my plan! All
you folks out there at GIA (Assuming you post this, ALLAN..., let your cries
be heard! What is at the top of your list? Don't make it an entire letter,
write in your usual questions and add a little "PS: I want this, that, and
this for Christmas because..." and help us unfortunate souls who don't even
have the chance to rent such games decide on what marvels of entertainment we
will delve our consciousness into the day after St. Nick's little visit.
Alrighty? Alrighty! Oh yes, and Christmas rules even sans presents, so enjoy
it or I'll send Rudolph to your house...and I don't mean the reindeer.
-The Man
To me, it sums up a lot of what the GIA has stood for. Even back in the day,
as the letter clearly states, there was THE MAN. The debates over is
Xenogears good or crap. The countless threats to the editors. The folly of
the reader's oppinions that the dreamcast will be Sega's savior. The
Christmas greed.
Even at that early time, all the key elements that we argue about today were
all there. Sure they were more primitive then (Karita, HA!), but even a few
of the readers we still see writing in were there(execept for you Drew,
sorry). So I crack open a bottle of cheap whiskey, because I can't afford
real wine (and nothin beats whiskey for getin loaded), and offer up a toast
to the GIA! Here's to many more years of the same old psycotic shit we have
come to enjoy reading day in and day out! Happy 1st GIA!
-Big McLargehuge
|
|
|
| At least somebody visits for the adventure coverage |
|
Hmmm...It was either the two hours I spent downloading Resident Evil 3
screenshots and artwork, of that first dawning moment of discovery when
I first stumbled on to your page. My life simply wasn't the same after
either event, and they're clearly my favorite GIA moments, if not the
highpoints of my year. Thank you all so much.
-Tweek
|
|
|
| The Great Discovery |
|
My favorite GIA moment was discovering the GIA after 5 months of having been
abandoned to RPGamer's letter column, not knowing that Allan Milligan had
simply moved; dying of thirst for pithy commentary, I was forced to drink in
the equivalent of salt water, gagging and retching but unable to help myself,
until mercifully, RPGamer published a story which had a link referencing the
GIA... to my joy, I discovered that this was where all the cool people from
RPGamer had gone, and even Andrew Vestal and Andrew Kaufmann, from Square.Net...
it was a small moment of joy on my path to a nervous breakdown.
--A parody of the average Brian Glick worshiper who tries to pass himself off as
Vestal
|
| That just never gets old |
|
To the Drew it may concern,
I can say without the slightest twinge of hesitation that z64med.mp3 was not only the most influential thing to ever to come out of the GIA, but also the most entertaining. I mean come on! How can this not be everybody's favorite GIA moment? Don't you get the urge to leap out of your chair and thrust your pelvis wildly at the start of this sexalicious and rockin' tribute to horrendous advertising of days past? Don't be shy, open up. Admit to your wild fantasies inspired by the Andrews' singing and funkadelic rapping. Tell us all how you dumped your finacée when she laughed at your request to have z64med.mp3 played long and loud throughout your wedding ceremony. Tell us how you tattooed the lyrics on every inch of skin on your body. Tell us about the fantasies, Drew... Tell us about the fantasies. We know what images these sirens' song puts into your heads. You want to get your HANDS on those boys. You-
*shakes head*
Er, forget that. But... yeah. I liked z64med.mp3... Yeah.
|
| I remember that fondly, as well |
|
Hey Drew,
My fav GIA moment was that time you didn't print my letter. Hey, I
guess I have a lot of favorite moments! Do you think you could not print
this letter too? Ah, good times... goood times...
-Does it matter what I put here?
|
| We love you too, Ian |
|
You know what would be nice? To go along with a Random Nick Name
Generator, you made a Random Greeting Generator. How's that for an idea?
One of my favorite GIA moments would be when we crowned AV and AK king
and queen of Baron and married them off to each other. That was
beautiful. Or maybe when we all were captured by Andrea and her motley
crew of pirates, and later on be completely taken by surprise when we
found out she was a girl, (you'll remember that she was going by the
alias 'Andrew'). Although I had lots of fun when we had to dress in drag
and infiltrate Don Cornero's manson. I've still got those Bikini Briefs.
And I always chuckle when I remember Brian Glick's famous words, "If
something should happen to me all the world's women will grieve!".
Indeed, Big Lick, indeed.
I have an embarassingly large amount of fond GIA and un-GIA related
moments that span from laughing at the pic of AV in his moogle costume
when it was still hosted on sqla.com, to yesterdays "The GIA: 10 Years
Later" special op. And...I don't think I could pick a favorite. Hell, I
don't think I could make a top ten list...I don't think I want to
either. It'd feel to much like bragging. But I have fond memories
pertaining to almost all of the GIA staff, many from before they even
Were the GIA staff.
Awww, man, I can't hold it back any more. I love you guys! GROUP HUG!
~Ian P.
|
| The Vestals should get into the music scene |
|
I find it sad that with all the clamor over the chu chu rockets song,
that the song that truly deserves attention is glossed over.
The song i'm talking about it the two Andrew's Zelda 64 rap, with
special guest DJ Charles. Not only is the Song far better, it has a
message we should all take to heart.
-asdl
|
| If we can make ourselves look good, we can glorify anyone |
|
For all the superb things the GIA has done for me, probably the best was
the Gilgamesh feature. I never thought that such a pussywhipped wuss who
cringes before a magical tree (the Foul Lord ExDeath) could be glorified
to the extent that he is today. That and I never thought Bill Clinton
could become president again. Shows you how much I know. Probably even
less than that four-eyed freak in the Smartass Award.
-Nameless Loser
|
| Koneko wa kowai, indeed |
|
My favorite GIA moment has to be... the day the ChuChu Rocket commercial was released... God, I love that damn thing, oh, and after watching that thing
100 times, and then listening to the song 150 times, I am proud to say that
I AM THE CHOSEN CHU-CHU ROCKET!! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! The mice have
chosen me to be their spokesman to the world, and they will take over your
feable human minds!! Soon, you shall all BOW before your masters!!! Else
the mice will take their vengance upon thee unworthy subjects by flying into
your mouth and then making your head explode by shooting a rocket out of
it!! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Even now that you know their plans, you
cannot fight back... the chuchu rockets have developed the most powerful
narcoatic ever.. their commercial!! No one will be able to resist its evil
allure! GWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HE HE HE HE HE HE HE!!! Oh, no what are you
doing!! NOOOOOO!!!!! *mice jump into his mouth and fire many rockets out of
his head, splattering lovely brain tissue everywhere*
Mice: *one holds up sign saying, "damn nuisense, revealing all of our
plans."* *scurry away*
~someone with too much time on their hands
|
Closing Comments:
Okay, enough of that. It's time to get back into the daily routine. And what better way to slip back into our comfortable ruts
than with a specified topic? So here it is, coming at you with speed, grace, and agility: According to several who have
had the opportunity to play the game, including our own "Slick" Brian Glick, Chrono Cross may even exceed Chrono Trigger in
overall quality. What do you think about that? Does that just rock your world, considering the horrendous character designs, or
was it apparent that the game would be superb, seeing as Square is the corporate form of God Himself? The sooner you write, the
sooner this column will go up come tomorrow.
Remember, once the members of your family have eaten themselves into a semi-aware, sloth-like state, and they're strewn about the
livingroom staring blankly at the television screen, occasionally wrestling their unbuckled pants back into position, you'll be
able to make your break for the computer. And you're going to want to have something to read, now aren't you?
-Drew Cosner
|
|
|
|
