A wee little update - November 29th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I was tired when I wrote this, so sue me if it just sucks ass. Don't say that I didn't warn you.
Good morning, geniuses. Unfortuantely, due to circumstances, I have to keep today's column a bit short. But, 'tis better to have an abbreviated column than none at all, eh? Okay, so I'm sure that most of you were rooting for "none at all" simply so that you wouldn't have to hear my endlessly tiring prattle, or watch as I forced another one of my unwarranted opinions down the throats of a few more unsuspecting readers, but tough. Here's a column anyhow.
For enjoyment, I bring to you Drew's Super Magical Funfun Eyes. Press your nose to the screen of your monitor, and slowly bring your face away until the hidden, three-dimensional image makes itself apparent . See if you can figure out what the picture is depicting before checking the answer underneath.
And then, just to get the ball rolling, I've posted a few letters and specified a topic at the very bottom. It's not what you were expecting, but it beats scanning pictures of my second grade piano recital and trying to pass it off as an episode of Double Agent, which had been my first inclination. Always be thankful.
Hint: This is a staple of the teachings of Zen Buddhism.
Answer: Mu; complete and absolute nothingness.
Hint: Without this object, you wouldn't be able to live.
Answer: A hydrogen molecule magnified to 3 times its size.
Hint: Those who live in a house of this shouldn't throw stones.
Answer: A perfectly transparent sheet of glass.
Hint: Not something you see everyday.
Answer: A portrait of the invisible man.
Hint: What happens when a moron gets his hands onto a copy of Photoshop.
Answer: A bunch of random scribbles with some ducks thrown in for good measure.
| Puns for the whole family |
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So, Drew, you want puns? Here they are!
For whom the Zell tolls
Setzer water
Terra Firma (and I mean very firma)
Sabin there recently?
When it Kain time for me to get a haircut, I got one.
That's all, really...
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| Hello, my name is God |
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Scooby-dooby-Drew, where are you?
Oh, there you are. Sneaky bastard.
I just had a revelation of sorts. I say 'of sorts', because it's probably as
useful as Carrot Top is to humanity. But I'm still going to share it with
you. Aren't you lucky?
Anyway.
As I was sleeping last night, God came to me in a dream. He said to me, in
all His glory, that I should write you and tell you of the fabulous idea
He'd just had. He told me that there's a large amount of overweight video
game players out there, and that all these tubby munchers are starting to
seriously make Him doubt the idea of ever creating humanity in the first
place. After all, He created man in His own image; so if man is gaining 38
pounds a month from fatty foods, then...
Well, God asked me to tell you to tell the masses that we, as a society,
need to bring back the Nintendo Power Pad. Seriously. He told me, 'WRITE
THAT DREW COSNER GUY AN EMAIL, MR. MAYHEM - WRITE HIM AND TELL HIM OF MY
GRAND IDEA, SO THAT ALL MAY READ AND SHARE IN MY GLORIOUS WISDOM.'
He even thought of a few good games to incorporate the Power Pad (for the
N64, of course) into modern-day systems. Twister seemed prominent on His
list, as was 'Full contact Mexican Wrestling' (which would also come with
glittery Virtual Reality masks, decorated a la' Lucha Libre for the real
'Mexican Wrestling feel'). There was some mention of Boot Camp 3d, and other
titles.
Despite His lame ideas, I decided to write you and share this vision with
you, lest I anger the Mighty Yahweh and damn myself to being a duck for the
rest of my natural life. Besides, imagine what ELSE you could do with the
Power Pad for the N64? (Wink wink, nudge nudge.)
Anyway, I must go. God's work calls me.
Oh, and if you don't print this letter, God says He'll make a sequel to
Wargods. And I think He means it...
- Imp Mayhem
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| A real knee-slapper |
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Hey Drew,
Three words: Final Fantasy Tictacs.
-DarkDread
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| AK the sadist |
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For those of you who got the joke in yesterdays opening comments:
Drew is covered in special smokey ketchup, with a hint of hickory.
That is all.
~Ian P.
P.S. Who knew AK was such a sadist...Star Fantasy: The Chupon Menace.
Let he who has not punned cast the first stone.
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| Not being a good sport |
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I throughly oppose this column. Puns are NOT funny. In fact, they annoy
me. Puns are the tools of "stan" and must rot in "heck" for all eternity!
In fact, even God opposes puns, I quote: "Know all ye sinners that ye must
not play with homophones to make jokes. Puns be the tools of pagans."
Icaradius 4:20 Hey, homophones probably didn't exist in Greek and Hebrew,
but even God knew that they would exist in the English language. God does
know all, you know. On a similar note, God also opposes saying, "pokeyman"
instead of Pokémon. I quote: "Know all ye people lacking knowledge, God
shall punish the wicked for their mispronunciation of the future cult
faction called 'Pokémon'" Darsinidius 6:93 ...what was I talking about
again? Hmmmm... Who knows. I think I'll go back to taking over the world
with Chu Chu Rockets. Neko wa kowai!
~someone who has too much time on their hands
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Closing Comments:
Okay, time for a topic. Of the games that are either guaranteed or rumored, which of the bunch makes you want to purchase either a Dreamcast, a Playstation 2, or a Dolphin, and why? Are you drooling over the prospects of a 128 bit Zelda title? Does Code Veronica look like it's going to steal away a few nights of rest? Or are you all over Bouncer the minute it hits the shelves? Let me know, okay? Jeepers, that'd be swell of you, Mister Wilson.
-Drew "Just plain rude" Cosner
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