To see or not to see - November 10th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I decided to send an anonymous Xerox of my ass to my boss. Unfortunately, I left the original in the machine. Don't say that I didn't warn you.
Well, it's finally happened. The Pokemon film has hit Western theatres. Of course, it will be a huge success with children, but what about the older crowd; those who have been hooked on the quirky, Gameboy title since day one of its North American release? I prompted you readers to let me know whether or not you intended upon seeing the Pokemon film, knowing full well what types of responses to expect. But we won't get into that. Rather, let's get this column into gear.
| Talking about what's truly important |
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Hey drewtwo. . . i mean drew^_^;
just got back from seeing the pokemon movie. that's right. i'm a 21 year
old male and i went alone. i'll wait for the laughter to die down before
i go on. . . there. i'm not a fan of the CCG, and i've never sat down
and played the video game. but i do enjoy the anime. don't know why, i
just do. besides the obnoxious bastards sitting behind me, it was an
enjoyable experiance.
the animaton was excellent, only slipping in a few places. the
soundtrack, apart from the opening theme, is forgettable. the movie had
some problems, however. they could've done a better job on the special
attacks. mewtwo's voice should've sounded a little younger, but the
acting was passable. the battles, although few, were well-choreographed
and seemed almost natural. the biggest complaint is near the end, when
they start yappin' about how 'pokemon shouldn't battle. . . not like
this'. i almost threw up having to listen to that garbage. yeah, and
they shouldn't be kept in little, tiny prison cells, either. but they
never mention that.
all in all, this film was well worth the price of admission. hell,
pikachu's vacation is worth the price of admission. so go, enjoy the
film. but if you have a choice, go to mononoke hime.
oh yeah, jessie got her boobs done for the film. either that or she
finally hit that last growth spurt.
-bigBuDDHA
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Well, there you have it. The single most objective and levelheaded letter concerning the Pokemon film issue that you'll see today.
However, now it's time to from those of two opposing camps, starting with the group who has chosen to see the film. Hey, I bet you'd thought that I was going to say "catch the film" in a lame attempt to be humorous, didn't you? I sure showed you. That will certainly teach you to make bold and baseless assumptions.
| I'm not God |
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I will be seeing the Pokémon movie. In Theatres.
It is not because of my six year old brother. It is not because I wish
to make fun of it. It is not because I will be forced to watch it at gun
point.
It is because I like Pokémon. I enjoy the hijinx of Ash and friends, the
feeble attempts at evil by Team Rocket, Pikachu's overly cute voice and
actions. I am one of the many nomadic and reclusive players of the
Pokémon game, often driven into hiding because of people and their fear
of something they do not comprehend. But I will not tolerate this
pursecution rooted deep in ignorance any longer...I rebel now. I will
have vengance.
And you Drew. You and your hypocritic war on my people, declaring us
traitors to gamers. Your genocide of my clan, wiping them from this
earth like excrement from a boot...Damn you Drew, you are not God!
~Ian P. The Poké Reaver.
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You're damned right, I'm not God. God wouldn't donate canned goods from the early 19th century to local charities simply for the sake of being a bastard, now would he?
| You've got a big Meowth |
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Of Course I'll be seeing the Pokemon movie! I'm 19 years old, currently
attending college, but I watch the show when I can. It isn't my
favorite show, but it is definitely high up there on the chart. I've
been playing video games since I was 3 years of age and anything that
even remotely deals with video games sparks my interest. My girlfriend
got me into the craze because she played the game and was constantly
telling me about it and how strong her "Meowth" was. I decided that it
must be worth a look so I watched the show a few times. I am now a huge
fan of the series. Especially Team Rocket and Mewtwo. If nothing else,
I will go to see the movie because of them.
-Mr. Grinn
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I have to wonder how many people are going to develop a sudden affinity for Team Rocket after reading the first letter in today's column. At any rate, you have to like a duo of antagonists who are so entirely inept that they don't even serve as the adversaries in several of the episodes. In fact, I can recall one example off of the top of my head in which they worked together with Ash and company to accomplish a similar goal. With enemies like that, who needs friends?
Hey, not only did that last sentence sum up everything I'd been saying in the preceding portion of the paragraph, it also served as a great example of one of my favorite pastimes: the butchering of common sayings. I killed two pigs with one stone!
| It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it |
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Yes, I plan to see the movie later today with a friend of mine. Right
after school, to be exact. Hopefully we'll beat the rush of little
kids, since we get out of school about an hour before most of the little
bastards... I mean, little bundles of joy... Besides the fact that I
actually want to see the movie (well, maybe not Pikachu's Summer
Vacation or whatever it's called), I also want to get the free Pokemon
card. You see, Pokemon cards make little kids go crazy. They buy lots
of cards. I want to sell my card to one of those unfortunate souls who
wasn't able to get one because they couldn't see the movie. Plus, it's
Wednesday, so I don't think the theaters will be a swamped as they
usually are. Parents aren't going to take their kids to the movies on a
weekday (well, I know I never went on the weekday to a movie when I was
younger). Just wait until Friday...
-CTZanderman
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Collecting Pokemon cards is actually an excellent idea, even for those who don't particularly enjoy the Pokemon franchise. It's amazing what children are willing to do in order to get their hands on some of the more valuable and rare trading cards, presenting a rather large opportunity. You see, I pull up beside a small child sitting on the edge of a curb, or perhaps on a park bench, in my black sedan and ask him, with an unsettling grin on my face, if he'd like to get some Pokemon cards for free. When he says yes, I pop open the passenger door and allow the tike in, then I motoring off before anyone around is aware of what's just transpired.
I use then use the situation to make an example; I let the child know that, had I been so inclined, I could have taken advantage of his trust to do bad things, or even kill him. I want to make certain that our children are educated and fully aware of the woes of accepting rides from strangers. Once the lesson has set in, I return him to the area in which I initially picked him up, all the wiser for my intervention.
Okay, so I take the gullible little suckers back to my sweatshops. Somebody has to sew together all of those Nikes.
| Cut and dry |
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No.
-Wulfgang
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Hey, it's time to here from those who will absolutely not be seeing the movie. I think that this letter is a good place to start with. Wulfgang here hasn't bothered with any frivolous explanations, or gone off on any long-winded, unrelated tangents; he's simply chosen to answer the question straight out.
But what fun would it be if every letter was as uncontroversial and straightforward as this? Well, the column would be pretty damned boring, for one thing. So let's take a look at some letters by those who bothered to go on a bit further with their thoughts.
| No need to return |
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Drew,
I played through PokeMon. I enjoyed it. It was a good game. Sure, I
was dedicated to beating it like I am most RPGs I play. But after I beat it,
meaning found and traded for 150 PokeMon, I really felt no need to return to
the world of 'PokeMon'. I didn't level up my monsters, I didn't find any
hidden items, I just put it away. But I had a good time.
But now....PokeMon has gone past being a fun little RPG. Everyone I tell
that this fad developed from a Game Boy game gives me a weird look and shakes
their head. Annoying spoiled kids no longer get ice-cream in stores, but
packs of PokeMon cards. All I ever hear in the news is how some kid stole
some other kids cards, and was later attacked by the kid with the stolen
cards.
So in response to your question, will I see the movie? Hell, no. I'm
seeing Dogma.
-Mike Drucker
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I'm actually surprised myself at the number of people who are completely unaware that Pokemon was originally a video game, including children. That just goes to show you how caught up people will get in a craze without even having any idea of what they're getting involved with. If only I could think of a way to make the mailing of unmarked cash to my home address popular with the general public.
| Bad atmosphere |
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Hiya Drew sama,
I'm a strange sort when it comes to pokemon; I like the GB game, the cards,
the anime, but I will NOT be going to see the movie! Why you ask? Is it
because I will be crowded by a load of kids, screaming Pikachu's name as if
they were enduring the worst torture to ever be conceived? No actually,
it's because i'm in the UK and it isn't out over here yet! Not that I would
anyway - i've got a thing about cinema's, I don't like them! I'll wait for
the DVD release maybe...
~PenPen
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What's not to like about stepping on 6-month-old candies and sitting in recently spilled pop?
| The longest commercial ever created |
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Hello DrewPokemon: The First Movie? Am I the only one who thinks that that is an
unbelievalby pathetic naem?
Let me start by saying that I have seen at least four or five episodes of
Pokemon no thanks to my (15 year odl) brother, who watched it for a while
tihs summer. I did not watch any of it by choice (guess where the PC
is).
I absolutely despise Pokemon. The plots are pure cheese. I saw them all
back in my youth of the late 1980s, bakc when the big way to make a
popular cartoon was to make a kids version of an old cartoon. Anyway,
the characters are really lame, especially the villains.
Even worse is the fact that the movie is really just a 90 minute
commercial for toys and cards.
To put my opinions in one sentance, it will be the worst movie ever. I
would hate to be a movie critic this week.
~La Vaca
P.S. Sorry, I didn't curse enough. Ususally my cursing is reserved for
exclamations, not casual speech.
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Sure, the plots aren't exactly going to win any Emmys, but have you paid attention to any of the storylines in other cartoon shows? As a matter of fact, try watching reruns of the shows that you used to think were so cool as a kid. I think that you'll find yourself feeling a slight twinge of embarrassment as you realize that what seemed perfectly acceptable to you as a child is nothing more than a bunch of animated tripe.
I've seen the Pokemon cartoon show a few times, and I did enjoy it simply because it absolutely bizarre. And you know how much I dig strange shit.
| I feel your pain |
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Do I really even want this letter printed?
OK, Drew, I'm gonna come out and say it, I'm a pokémon fan. But I
don't like the show just because of the show itself. For, one thing, I
am sure that it will boost the popularity of anime here in the states.
Maybe one day, animorons (I made up a word!) will no longer refer to
anime as "those freaky japanese cartoons."
There I have given you an excuse, (besides the fact that meowth is
more than capable of taking out that electric rat, whatshisname) how
will I be going abouts seeing the movie? Me, and my equally ashamed
friends will be shrouded in long trechcoats as we walk into the theater,
making our way to the mens room. While one of us acts as a lookout, I
will make my way into the theater's ventilation shaft, and crawl into
the respective theater. Once its dark, we can enter the theater. Yeah,
your classic James Bond adventure, much less embarassing than entering
the theater regularly, and more fun than using the fire exit. Plus, if I
can get into the projector room, I don't have to sit in a theater of
screaming, kicking, running, jumping, crying, and hurling children.
Um, to anyone who needs to insult me about this, your job has
already been done. That includes you, Drew. Now write that thing you do
after a letter is done.
-Paranoid Chocobo
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I'm not going to insult you, Paranoid. As a matter of fact, I completely understand your plight. I had wanted to see Iron Giant after Andrew Vestal had strongly recommended it, even going so far as to suggest seeing it to a group of friends. Unfortunately, I was immediately punched in the stomach and spat upon for uttering such blasphemy.
After the incident, when I'd finally regained my wind, it was time to make a final decision as to which film to watch. In the end, we say The Blair Witch Project. That's right; we paid 7 dollars apiece to watch 3 random nitwits wander about the forest for 2 hours.
| The darkest of sins |
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Ian P's trangressions have now fallen into the realm of the unforgivable,
for, as he has a P in his name, he should know that subsequent P.S' should
not add extra s's....but extra p's. P.S. stands for post script. One below
it should be a post-post script. One below that should be a post post post
script. One below that should be a post post post post script. One below
that should be a post post post post post script. One below that should be
a post post post post post post script. One below that should be a post
post post post post post post scipt. One below that should be a post post
post post post post post post.
Please help me Drew. I'm going postal.
*insert cheesy drum sound here*
Etiam, delenda est Carthago.
-Caine
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Ian has long been one of Double Agent's more articulate and insightful readers. His letters offer well thought-out and logical viewpoints, and even when he is being outspoken and opinionated on a matter, he still makes certain that his response is a humorous one. So, the reasonable assumption would be that Ian simply had a mental slip, and although he is perfectly aware of the fact that the "post" should have been repeated rather than the "scrip," a temporary lapse led to his blunder.
But what fun would it be to make such an assumption? I think that the truth of what has happened here is obvious; Ian was trying to make a fool of me. He thought that he could just slip those extra S's in completely unnoticed, and in turn it would generate the appearance that I, myself, am an ignorant halfwit.
I've seen the way that you toss me venomous glances from the behind the curtains as I take the leading role in the school plays, Ian. I've seen the way to sit on the sidelines, arms crossed and face tightly carved into a look of utter resentment and contempt, only to watch me make the winning catch that sends the school football team to the state championships. I've even seen the disparaging remarks written about me on the stall walls in your handwriting.
Well, enough is enough. Meet me out in front of the school, by the flagpole, at precisely 3 this afternoon. We'll settle things once and for all.
Closing Comments
Okay, here's a topic for tomorrow that is almost related to today's; what a novel idea. For those of you who did see the Pokemon film already, what did you think of it? Yeah, that should do it.
-Drew Cosner
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