Turning to Ash - November 9th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I should devote every column to talking about myself. It seems to be the popular trend. Don't say that I didn't warn you.
Patiently making your way through the stop-and-go traffic of the early morning rush hour in order to get downtown so that you can go to work is like having no choice but to stand in line in order to use the toilet. They're both necessary functions, but having to wait in order to take care of your business is adding insult to injury. That, and the fact that nothing sucks more than getting stuck behind somebody who is apparently incapable or fearful of moving at a pace faster than that of a sloth.
Where am I getting at with this horrid analogy? Absolutely nowhere. That's just my astute observation for the day, intended to make it appear as though I'm both witty and perceptive. And I needed something to talk about in these opening paragraphs. Are you still with me after that? If so, enjoy the following letters; you deserve to be rewarded for your perserverance.
| Would you like to by a howl? |
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Drewski-
If the game's a Resident Evil clone, I'd be satisfied, just as long as four
conditions are met:
1) Smartassed commentary by Bruce Cambpell
2) A tree-rape FMV
3) Zombies bleed skim milk instead of blood
4) When you beat the final parade of zombies and cast the spell, they all
melt into scrambled eggs
-Steve
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And like that, I get off to a quick start. Why bother with rumination about and contemplation over other, unrelated subjects, when you can get delve right into the matter at hand? I realize that your time is important and invaluable, and because of this I make certain to tackle the daily column in a most resolute manner. Okay, so I'm full of crap; I get a kick out of wasting several precious minutes of your day on a daily basis. When I get up in the morning, the first thought to flash through my mind is, "Excellent. Another day that I yet live to steal segments of life away from others. Time that could have been spent on socialization, scholastic pursuits, or secular advancement." And still, knowing fully your ill fate, you continue to read.
At any rate, a running commentary courtesy of the one and only Bruce Campbell has already been confirmed. Hopefully THQ will include enough variety in the various japes that Ash spouts off in order to keep them from becoming repetitive and irritating. Anyone who's played any of the Gex games knows how irksome a limited repertoire of speech clips can grow to become.
As for your wishes concerning the zombies, I'm personally hoping that THQ will further spice things up a bit by having all of the Deadites suffer from Tourette's Syndrome and have a propensity to attack by spraying women's perfume into the eyes of their adversaries and then proceed to ram a rusted cheese grater duct taped to the end of a stick up the protagonists' asses.
| The Great Reprisal |
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Whether it's the greatest game that'll ever be or just a blend of Resident Evil and Apocalypse, I couldn't care less. It's going to have Bruce Campbell reprising his role of Ash for the first time in about 8 years. I'm prepped.
-Jerm
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Trying to escape a character role such as that of Ash is akin to trying to carve out a true acting career after having starred in multiple hardcore porn films. No matter what you do, you're still remembered as "man with massive cock #3." I should know, I've never been able to live my past ventures down. Look, I needed to pay off college tuition somehow, alright? I hardly think that I need to justify myself and my past actions to the likes of you.
Alright, enough of that lame piece of complete and total fiction. We all know full well that I couldn't get a job in that industry even if I wanted to. Again, I've tried. It just didn't work out, sadly. At any rate, it will be enjoyable to see Campbell back in the role that he does best. Even if only by voice.
| Decode it, you bastard |
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Zombies like cookies. Only the turnip knows since the carrot refuses to tell anyone. Evil Dead will have no carrots but perhaps dehydrated watermelons? Very scary.
Reichter
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The duck shall descend upon the charred Gates of Hell at the stroke of midnight, and not a penny or a nickel less. I'd walked several miles to view the spectacle, only to find that the Trojans were blocking the way. Look inside of yourself for the true answers, and you shall find only more riddles. The circus elephant has lost its way.
| The boom stick |
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Hey Drew-
Personally, I love the Evil Dead series (especially Army of Darkness) and I
would love to see it as a really cool fun game. Unfortunatly most movie to
game conversions suck majorly. Need examples? Here's a few Mortal Kombat
the Movie, Street Fighter the Movie (those were based on two great games but
some how they still sucked), Batman and Robin (game sucked, movie really
sucked too many male nipples). But then there are some great games that are
based on movies like Goldeneye, or Ghost in the Shell. As long as it's got
good gameplay, graphics, and Ash says at least once "This is my Boom Stick"
we're in for one hell of a game.
-Figure Four
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It should also be noted that the bulk of these movie-licensed games that serve nothing more than to insult the collective intelligence of humanity, such as those which you've mentioned, were thrown together hastily in order for their release to coincide with that of the movie. If those games didn't come out within the very same week, or even day, as the film which they were loosely based upon, they still came out shortly enough thereafter that they could capitalize upon the film's popularity.
The better film-to-game conversions, Goldeneye being a prime example, have had a tendency to come out long after the film itself, as the developers wanted to be sure to tweak it to perfection, rather than rely on the hype surrounding the movie. Hopefully, this will also prove to be the case with Ashes 2 Ashes. Although the Evil Dead series has a cult following, it's doubtful that its fan base alone would be enough to make the game a success. For that to happen, it has to be an enjoyable title to reel in those who would otherwise pass on the purchase.
| I pity no man |
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Geez man, it's hard to avoid self pity when you're an RPG player with ADD (yes, professionally diagnosed). Now don't get me wrong, Drew -- I excel in school and academic work, but it really takes it's toll on my psyche when I can't finish an RPG because I lose interest! And you know I love them all... but once I put a game down for a couple days to "take a break," it quickly become a week, then a month... and on until I can't remember more that a bare semblance of the plot. And if I somehow regain interest? I start again, from the top. I'm not so bad at action games (just because they only take a few days to beat usually), but a 40-80 hour RPG plays with my wacky brain in ways that you can't imagine. Just look at my pathetic track record (over about a year):
-FF Tactics: Stopped about 3 months ago (after resuming twice already) near the middle of the second chapter.
-FFV: Stopped about 5 months ago (after resuming twice) just after getting the airship.
-FFI: Pulled it out of the closet a while ago, but (my second time through) I stopped after defeating the Fire elemental.
-FFVII: I beat this one, begrudgingly, a few months after it came out, but I rushed it (no KOTR, no chocobos, no late-game side-quests, beat Sephiroth at level 28, etc.)
-Xenogears: Bought it when it first came out, but stopped at the end of the second CD, before the final dungeon.
And even other genre:
Megaman 8: Beat the first Wily level, but haven't touched it since.
SF Alpha 3: Played it for about a week, used about 10 characters.
I'm playing FFVIII now, on the third disc, and I think that I'll finish it. After? I'm gonna give Xenogears another try...
Please shed a tear for me,
Justin V.
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I had originally intended upon coming up with a thorough and insightful response to this letter, but then it occurred to me that you probably wouldn't have read the entire thing before losing interest, anyhow.
| It's all about the chainsaws, baby |
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This is my first time writing to you guys and I think that you are
really cool. With the pleasantries aside though I must attend to the
task at hand: My thoughts on the Evil Dead video game. My one and only
concern is that Ash does not graft the chainsaw onto his arm in the
first game since we all know that this did not occur until Evil Dead 2.
Looking at some of the rough sketches, it looked to me as though that is
exactly what the developers plan to do. Unless they are not going to
make all three games and have this one game encompass both Evil Dead
movies. I doubt it will have the feel of Resident Evil with ammo
limitations and puzzles but will focus mainly on a more action oriented
game that has Ash facing hoards of deadites whilst spouting off great
one-liners and the priceless screams of Bruce Campbell himself. I will
definitely play Evil Dead when it is released but for right now my faith
lies in the proper use of the chainsaw. It's all about the chainsaw!
-Mr. Grinn
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Such a chronological inaccuracy would undoubtedly lead to an entire game that wasn't worth the plastic used in the creation of its discs and jewel cases. Let alone all of the poor trees that had to die in order to print out the instructional booklets. Trees that had been simply minding their own business, raping random female passers by, when the logging companies rolled into the forest and decimated all that stood.
To be serious, but only for a brief moment, don't worry your pretty little heads, Ashes 2 Ashes will not be based upon one particular film, namely the first, as you're assuming, but will take elements from all of the titles in the series. So it would be perfectly fitting for Ash to have his chainsaw hand in the game. I wonder if the various power-ups will come in the form of arm attachments. That would certainly be cheesy, making it jive perfectly with the Evil Dead style.
| Don't screw up |
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The Evil Dead trilogy is the greatest line of movies ever. After homecomming this year about 20 of us got together and showed all of our girlfriends the beauty of the evil dead. They really enjoyed that. All I have to say is THQ better not screw this up, I can't think of any games that they made that are good. THQ is a punchline to many of my jokes.
~Cloud-VII
P.S. long live the Evil Tree Branch
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I'll have to be honest and admit that I certainly have my concerns, as I've long considered THQ's name to be synonymous with mediocrity. It wouldn't surprise me one iota to find that the game was nothing more than a sub-par jock off of the Resident Evil titles. But hey, I'll give the company the benefit of the doubt. You can never get enough survival horror, as far as I'm concerned. And being able to embed a chainsaw into the shuffling cadavers' chests will only be a major bonus.
In conclusion, if THQ screws this one up, they deserve to go directly to Hell. The horrendous wrestling titles that sold thousands of copies despite being crap, solely on the virtue of ignorant halfwits being able to control their favorite homoerotic pugilist, those were forgivable--to ruin a game based upon the Evil Dead trilogy would be nothing less than heresy.
Man, I'm just insulting people and their tastes left and right today.
| Evil has possessed my hand; how did you think this crap gets typed up? |
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Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up:
I think that the game will do very well. As
long as the voiceovers sound good, people
might be inclined to forgive gameplay flaws.
Most people will buy it just because of the movies.
That's a given. Just as long as they don't mess
with the formula. That's always a killer. I
don't think anybody wants to see Ash's
sensitive side...
-The Evil
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There's one area where THQ could certainly falter which would cause the game to be nothing more than a piece of trash. However, all signs would point to this not being the case. Bruce Campbell is present to smack the developers back into line if they screw up his character, and it would certainly seem that THQ has every intention of leaving Ash the true badass that he is.
| Life begins with Pokémon and ends with Pokémon |
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Drew,
I can't believe you would do that to me. I just
can't. Your entire Nov. 8th column was completely
devoted to hurting me, wasn't it? Wasn't it?!
Look at this:
A major topic of discussion was LARPs. What does LARP
sound like?
Glorp. That's right, glorp.
And if you're familiar with those early 90s Nintendo
Choose Your Own Adventure books starring the Mario
Bros, you'd know that's the sound that Yoshi makes.
Yoshi is a character of Nintendo. But Nintendo
doesn't promote Yoshi anymore. Who do they promote?
Pokémon. That's right, Pokémon. Of which there is a
movie coming out starring tommorow.
And do you know where I work, Drew? Do you? A MOVIE
THEATER. Your entire sinister plan was to subliminaly
plug the Pokémon movie and add even more to the
humongous crowd that will inevitably be trampling me
tommorow in their quest to get not only a good seat
for the movie, but two medium drinks and a large bag
of popcorn which will result in them getting a FREE
box of Milk Duds. (Extra points if you can guess
which theatre chain I work at!)
So, thanks a lot Drew. Thanks for making Pokémon
Wednesday into more of a Hell than it already was.
Thanks for sending legions of RPG fans my way, to
mingle with the unending sea of 10 year olds to create
the largest crowd for a movie ever.
...But, then again...anyone that reads this column
can't be all that bad. They're definately a lot
better than 10 year old Pokémon addicts. Probably
make for some nice conversation while their drink cups
are filling. A nice break in an otherwise stressful
day. Hm. Oh, so, uhm...Thanks, Drew.
Sorry for that angry bit before. Have a good day.
-Aaron L.
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You've seen through my evil plan. The entirety of yesterday's column was devoted solely to making your job more difficult than it has to be. But since you've brought my scheme to light, I have no choice but to respond with a tactic that isn't quite so subtle. You've brought this following letter upon yourself.
| Almost as spiteful and malicious as I |
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Drew, you may or may not know that today, November 8th, is the day that
Burger King releases Pokémon toys with it's Big Kid Meals. I have a six
year old brother who is somewhat of a Pokémon fan and I decided to tag
along as he and my mother ventured to BK to fetch some of the
merchandise...
What we found instead was a gruesome scene of carnage and desctruction
where chaos ruled supreme. Ketchup splashed across all surfaces,
dripping from the ceiling onto the sweaty bodies of the patrons of this
fast food restraunt seemingly placed on the mouth of Hell. Whether
spawned from the Pits or set there to contain the Darkness with it's own
Evil, I do not know. Children ran free screaming and shrieking, waving
their totems about, chanting their twisted names. Parents hoveled, their
teeth bared in silent snarls, a mad gleam in their eyes as they glared
at one another, this foul Establishents influence upon them apparent to
even the most blind of us.
The ghouls behind the counter leered at me, knowing my damnation was at
hand. Their faces were covered in open sores, thier hollowed sockets
glittered with malice and hunger and in that instant I knew Fear. Burger
grease frosted the barrier between my kin and the blighted souls who
were to serve us...And serve us they did. Thier withered hands thrust
forward, urging us to take the vessel of the Dark Gift. And like fools,
we accepted. Before I even laid eyes upon it, I knew it's sinister
nature and felt it's aura of corruption. Promises of wealth and all your
desires fulfilled were scrawled crudely upon it's dull surface...As base
and insipid as it's appearance was, I briefly felt temptation tugging at
my heart.
My appehension for this unholy place had peaked and I wished for nothing
more than to flee and never return...But what my families ignorance
bought had to be paid for. What transpired next is best left to be
forgetten in the mists of time, unwritten and unspoken...Eventually we
journeyed onward, doomed to remember this day forever.
Know this, Cosner. This is only the beginning.
May God have mercy on us all.
~Ian P.
P.S. How much do you think it'd cost to get the voice actor who did Kain
from Blood Omen to read this letter? Outloud that is.
P.S.S. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't "LARPing" when you're young
called 'Using your imagination'? I used to sword fight with sticks
almost exclusively when I was young. Oh, and I'm a fascist capitalist.
How do you explain that? And: A game with voice acting by Bruce Cambell
can't be bad. Argue with that logic, I dare you.
P.S.S.S. I'm just putting this here because I'm a sadistic bastard.
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Few shall escape Pokémon's wrath. I hope that you've adequately stocked your Pokéshelter with various canned goods, jugs of water, and all of the video games that you're going to need to survive.
Sorry that I haven't come up with a drawn-out response to your letter today, Ian. It's just that it can be a trifle difficult to follow such an act. It's not that I'm a lazy bastard, or anything. Really.
By the way, I'll take you up on that P.S.S. Bruce Campbell did the voice acting for Broken Helix. I don't think anything more needs to be said.
Closing Comments
Well lookee here, I do believe that this is another one of them thar topics. It's quite simply, really: Will you be seeing the Pokémon movie? Sure, the majority of the Pokéfanatics out there are of the younger age group, but there are still hundreds of older gamers who have been hooked by the addictive series and its quirky charm. Of course, for every one of these people, there's another who hates the series and all that is related to it with a passion. I fully expect to hear from those of that viewpoint, as well. So, fire up that email client, but be sure to keep it above the belt. Nothing is lower than punching a column in the groin.
And no, that wasn't a subtle way of telling you to keep your letters clean. Feel free to curse up a storm, if it so suits you. I'm not trying to be anyone's moral beacon. In fact, the very idea makes me want to vomit, and it's hard to smoke a rock when you're in such a state.
-Colonel Cosners
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