Hello, my name is Drew and this is my column - November 8th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I smoke catnip. Don't say that I didn't warn you.
I've got to hand it to Andrew, he certainly comes up with some unique and entirely wacky topics of discussion for the following day's column. As a matter of fact, he's such a zany character, frothing forth with in-your-face attitude, that the proactive fellow almost landed himself a lucrative spot as a 16 bit platforming game mascot.
The game had all of the necessary ingredients for quality and commercial and critical success appropriately thrown into place: insipid game design built atop a pre-existing engine, plenty of items to be sought after for those intrepid enough to find all of the game's secrets, abundant power-ups, "nutty" enemies, and a final boss with a taste for world domination and a completely illogical and ludicrous motive.
Unfortunately, it all fell apart when an executive at Acclaim, the company which had hired Andrew's services, made the astute observation that Andy Kaufmann, the famous comedian, had been deceased for quite some time, and that this person was just some random schmoe off of the streets. Well, that and the fact that upper-management axed the title when they discovered that it wasn't based upon a summer film blockbuster.
At any rate, now I'm left to deal with an entire column focusing on a topic which I have absolutely no knowledge of or experience in. This should be intriguing.
| Oh where, oh where can my Magus be? |
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I love all the info you've been getting abotu Chrono Cross. I do have 1
question. You've been mentioning apearances by Chrono Trigger characters.
You've mentioned most of them. Except for Magus. What is the deal with
Magus, will he make an apearance?
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Unfortunately, no, there's still no word on whether or not Magus will make a guest appearance in the upcoming Chrono Cross. When you take into consideration that some would argue that Magus died at the end of Chrono Cross if you'd chosen not to accept him into your party, it's possible that his character may not even be around during the time frame in which Chrono Cross takes place. But hey, we'll just have to wait and see to be certain, now won't we?
| Arguments of whether or not the attack was "dodged" abounded |
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Ok, this is gonna sound REALLY stupid, but I have my own little 'real life' rpg experiances.
When I was a little kid, like, 6 or so, I got a NES for christmas, and my first game was Dragon Warrior. After spending five hours figuring out that I had to use the key to open the door to get out of the castle, I was hooked. It was easily my favorite game, and after many months playing, I finally beat the game. Being a dumb little kid and all, I didn't know of any other games like it that were out (well, I did hear of Final Fantasy, but I could never find it). Most of the other games were really boring for me, because they were eithier super easy, and I beat them within hours of playing for the first time, or they were impossible, and I couldn't get past the first part.
Because I loved the game so much, I decided to recreate on my own. Well, not really on my own. Most of my friends were really into the game too, and they were in on this whole thing. There was usually about five of us, and we'd have one person write up these clues on pieces of paper, and hide them around the area. (I lived on this huge farm back then. There was this huge forest right by our house, and there was lots of places to explore, small rivers, fields, etc..). And that person would have some sort of treasure that they'd hide somewhere, and each clue would give a clue on where the treasure was hidden. The treasure was usually just a couple dozen or so quarters, as we were just poor ass kids, but that seemed like a lot of money to us anyway. The other four kids would split into teams of two, and compete looking for clues and utltimately, the treasure.
After a while, we got more in depth into the whole thing. We made swords and sometimes shields out of cardboard, or any kind of wood that was laying around. (Dad never kept his tools hidden well enough, heh). Whenever the two teams ran into each other, we'd have little duels. When we'd get enough kids, some would act as monsters, and they'd try to find us and take our weapons, or the money if we hadn't gotten back home yet. Sometimes we'd even make potions, which were really no more than soda or sparkling water, but it was still something to drink on a hot day ^^. One time, we got something like 12 kids to play, and it was really fun. We really hurt each other sometimes with the swords and all, but we had some adventures.
After a year or so, we moved, and I lost contact with most of those friends. It's a moot point anyway, as there was no room in my new neighborhood to play the game anyway. Plus, none of my new friends knew what the hell I was talking about when I tried to explain the game to them. I got older, and found the games again, so I was satisfied with that. By then, anyway, I thought I was too old for such things.
I think that playing like that with my friends, and actually living out the games, is why I'm so addicted to RPGs now. Besides RPGs, I haven't played any videogame an a year or so. Whenever I play traditional, old school RPGs like Final Fantasy V or VI, and ecspecially Lunar, I get that same feeling again, and it's hard to really explain it, but it just feels right. Anyway, I just thought I'd let everybody know about it, because its what fuels my passion for RPGs, and it was the topic of the day ^^.
-Alex
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That certainly sounds like a healthy extension of your liking for the Dragon Warrior series. At least that required physical activity and imagination. In fact, if you were a youngster when you thought up this little idea, I have to accredit your creativity. However, if you were older than 10 when you were participating in such activity, I'd have little choice but to extend my index finger in your direction, and laugh heartily at your own expense.
| LARP sounds like some kind of vulgarity |
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Yes, I admit it. I'm a LARP player. (That's Live Action Role-Playing to you outsiders. :b) Hey, I like acting and I like RPGs; what could be better? (How about me learning to improvise? Oh well.) Very much like being in a play, but without a script. Or like that play-acting we always did as kids. Which is why we got into RPGs in the first place, right? The most enjoyable part is afterwards, when you get to hear the war stories, get to tell everyone how you were tricking them all (or find out how you were tricked), learn how someone did something unusually creative, and hear all the bad references people threw in ("She turned me into a newt!")
But I rarely bother with incredibly complicated costumes like some do. Last year I was a wizard, so I got a cape and a homemade wizard staff (long cardboard tube painted black with a glass jar attached to the top) and just wore that with a regular shirt and slacks. This year I'll be some kind of furry alien (we're doing sci-fi this time), and my costume will largely be my not shaving for a couple weeks. Whatever works. Just so long as someone can look at me and get the gist of what my character is, it's fine.
-ChocoMog ZERO
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Unfortunately, as the acting out of popular video games continues to gain in popularity and grows beyond the RPG genre, it has lead to some confusion regarding my appearance. I've had several people mistakenly assume that I was on my way to a similar form of real-life role playing based upon the Nintendo 64 game "Goldeneye," where I was to play the part of Boris.
| Losing your grip on reality |
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G'day, Drew!
Well, Andy Kaufman proposed a topic for today: Live action RPG's.
I'll put it plainly: LARPs scare the hell out of me. Perhaps it's because the first time I heard of them was through stories that I heard from this freaky guy who haunted me my freshman year of college. (The guy honestly believed he fought off demons and vampires at night... yeesh) And perhaps it's because most of the LARP's I've heard of are either vampire games or some other weird crap like that.
At any rate, though, I think that LARP's lie right on that boundary line after which one is no longer able to distinguish between fiction and reality. I'm not saying all LARP players are schizo or something; it just seems a little too far on the "escaping reality" side of life.
It reminds me of those stories parents tell about D&D players who rape and pillage their neighborhood after their party has conquered an orc village in the game. Sure, those parents are full of crap, but I have to wonder if LARP's are pushing the boundary a little farther than necessary.
Chris B.
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And now, it's time to hear from those of the opposing viewpoint. I should mention that I would probably never be into such a thing as a "LARP," as all of the kids seem to be calling them these days. Hell, I'm frightened by the prospects of full-fledged virtual reality. I can just envision the 20/20 news stories that would invariably develop.
Barbara Walters would stare at the screen, very matter-of-fact, and rattle of some scare-tactic grabber along the lines of "virtual reality: at glance, it may seem like harmless fun, but is it really a form of subversion concocted by malicious underground factions in hopes of turning America into a hateful, Communist nation? You'll be shocked to hear what we've found out." Of course, the actual story would be about a man who died inside of his VR chamber when he lost his grip on reality and assumed the virtual burgers he was cramming into his face would certainly be enough to sustain him. The subtle insinuation would be made that if virtual reality could cause this to happen, it could undoubtedly turn the nation of America into a bunch of mindless slaves serving an alien civilization or something of that nature.
So, in conclusion, LARPs cause people to become Communists.
| If you haven't been insulted by me yet, don't worry; your time will come |
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Live action RPGs?
Why not just say dorks in capes and swords? Why this is interesting to
people is beyond me, and as far as I know, seems to be relegated to the
weird people who weren't blessed with high intelligence.
Reminds me of that "Goth Talk" thing on SNL, the one where the "mango" guy
goes "If I lived in the 16th century I wouldn't have to wash the van."
But hey, that's just my opinion.
-Abazagaroth
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Well, I've ended up laying into LARP fans pretty sarcastically with this column. Check off one more group of people I'd yet to insult. I'm like a sardonic black hole; negativity cannot escape my pull.
| You know what will happen to you if you destroy my hometown. |
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*an evil creature speak inside Drew's head*
After looking for you through Canada for almost a year, I have finally
discovered your true location! Take a look at your map Drew! Notice all the
new ghost towns? If you look carefully they form an arrow that point to
Ohio! And if you look more carefully they point to your house! Muwahahahaha!
-Phil's true identity
PS: Don't try to call those guys in white suits with a white car and a green
flying creature........ They are all dead already! Muwhahahaha!!!!
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Well, Andrew's really gone and done it now. He just had to go and reveal the secret location of my evil fortress. Ever since Saturday's column, my home has been laid siege to by every form of do-gooder and moral crusader imaginable. If it isn't one of those blasted Belmonts, it's some little guy in blue tights with a rocket launcher surgically grafted onto his forearm, or a slovenly plumber equipped with a pair of rabbit ears.
Well, do your worst. No one can possibly brave my hordes of robotic followers, or slip past my many intricate security measures, such as moving platforms hanging in mid-air, suspended by absolutely nothing, various spiked surfaces, and bottomless holes, and hope to come out alive.
| La Bamba! |
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FYI, La Bomba speaking voice is not very high pitched and squeaky. In some
episodes he actually talks and his voice is very low. Hard to believe huh?
And for all you amatuer Conan fans, his first name is Richie. Even though it
says La Bomba in the credits, it obviously is a nick name. He also plays the
tamborine.
Anyways... Interesting idea about an RPG entirely in someone's mind, oh
yeah, Square all ready did that! Just remember a majority of disc 2 in
Xenogears. Those were some of the coolest cutscenes where the two Fei's and
Id were talking to each other. Square handled those cutscenes pretty well.
Could they do a game where almost all the play time is spent inside the head?
A neat idea would to be have all the battles inside the head battling the
all of the characters alter egos and stuff and to have all of the cutscenes
and stuff taking place outside of the main character's mind. This would be
an interesting challenge for Square.
-John Symanski, TeamRPG
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The main reason that I chose to print this letter is because it reveals the startling truth about Late Night's Trombonist, La Bamba. It is truly a travesty when a nation can be so ignorant of the actual name of such a great and talented man. I feel that this letter is deserving of an award. Unfortunately, it doesn't pertain to RPGs or adventure titles, and it's rather short, so I don't think that I can rightfully hand out the coveted Smartass Award. However, I'm perfectly glad to hook you up with a Sexalicious Award.
Remember, the Sexalicious Award can lead to a serious decline in personal taste when it comes to matters such as video games, films, and music. Prolonged exposure to the Sexalicious Award often results in the development of a liking for such groups as N'Sync and 98 Degrees, every last one of the "Ernest" movies, and any 16 bit game created by Acclaim.
If a physician isn't immediately contacted upon showing initial symptoms and the affliction is allowed to reach its later stages, there is little that can be done. Your masters will have no choice but to gently lay you into the back of the family station wagon, and take you up to the veterinarian's office to be put to sleep. Although you'll undoubtedly be missed for a short while by the children, all memories of your existence will quickly be pushed to the wayside when a new puppy is given by their parents as a Christmas gift.
As a side note, if you enjoy games that take place within the mind of the protagonist, you're going to piss yourself with supreme delight upon playing Earthworm Jim 3D.
| That takes care of that |
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Live Action Role Play (LARP)? Cool stuff... if you're with the right
group, that is.
The typical view is that people playing in a LARP are wackos. That's
because the typical view of a LARP is a whole bunch of people who dress
up and wack each other with swords and pretend they're killing trolls in
the sewers. I would like to make this clear: Those people are wackos,
but that's not how all LARPs work.
I'm in a LARP group that uses White Wolf's (www.white-wolf.com) system.
Instead of hitting each other, combat (and other challenges) are
resolved with Rock-Paper-Sissors. The winner hits or dodges (or freezes
someone or whatever). We also don't play in the sewers. Our campus
(we're based on a college campus) is nice enough to loan us the use of
their buildings one night every couple weeks and we make different rooms
different buildings and such. It works out quite well and everyone has
fun being vampires.
Of course if you don't like pretending to be other people, you wouldn't
like a LARP... But then again if you don't want to do that why do you
play other RPGs? ~_^
-Benabik Alvar
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I always like to even out the opposing opinions with a letter or two that eschews its thoughts on the matter right down the middle. Another daily goal accomplished. I'm on such a roll.
Closing Comments
I bet that you're expecting me to come up with some clever topic for tomorrow's column, eh? I bet that because I've always done it in the past, you're expecting me to do so tonight as well, as though I owe it to you. You can be awful demanding, you know that? Why don't you ever consider my needs; my emotions? This entire relationship is nothing more than an intangible monument to yourself and your ego.
But, I know that if I don't give you what it is that you want, you'll react by becoming sullen and distant, until you finally explode in a public spectacle, making a fool of the both of us. So here it is: what do you think about that Evil Dead game? Will it be like Resident Evil complemented by Ash's crisp wit and the lack of the constant annoyance of running out of ammunition? Or will it serve as nothing more than the poor combination of B movie schlock and a tired adventure game premise? There. I hope that you're perfectly content.
-Drew Cosner, virtual pimp, hard at work
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