Everybody is wrong about everything - November 5th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Yes, this column is rather short. Don't say that I didn't warn you.
Hello, boys and girls. Are you ready for another installment of the Double Agent? Well, straighten those bullet-proof vests, make sure your shin guards are securely fastened, and check to be certain that your codpiece is appropriately positioned. Once you've met these safety measures, you're ready to read on.
| Blow'd Up |
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I know that this is a day late, but this is Free Topic Day, so give me a
break! With all the talk yesterday of games to movies and a few movies
to games, I have to say that I have a more realistic idea. How can you
make a RPG into a movie? How is it even remotely possible to tune a 50+
hour game into two hours without cutting out huge segments (in game
time, these segments are about twenty hours game time)? While this is a
RPG and adventure sight, and these ideas aren't either, they should be
known. I think Twisted Metal and Road Rash can be made into movies
easily. Heck, I could do it if I had the right crew, budgets, stunt
men, cars/motorcycles, etc. Imagine it, if you will.
One, there are cars, buildings, famous landmarks, all exploding due
to crazed drivers (all armed with deadly weapons, of course), which a
two hour film can get their back stories in with ease. The other movie
sports a Thrash sound track, lots of motorcycle stunts, and serious car
wrecks all while twenty or so sweaty guys and girls beat the crap out of
each other with things like ball bats, clubs, pipes, mace, cattle prods,
etc. All while going at unrealistic speeds of 100+ mph. Do you feel
the adrenaline beginning to pump, Drew? Thought I should let you all
know, those who haven't thought about such movies that fuel the human
psyche for wanton destruction.
-Omega Rat
P.S. Ever played the game Fox Hunt? It's a first generation PS game
filmed in 16 mm with real people. Yes, real people.
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If there's one thing that America just can't seem to get enough of, it's films showcasing senseless, gratuitous, and effects-laden destruction of national landmarks. Independence Day had the right idea with the decimation of the white house, but I think that it's high time for a movie that focuses solely on destroying such irreplaceable national treasures. Let's see a few cluster bombs carefully aimed at the Lincoln Monument so as to blow that smarmy smirk off of his face. Let's see somebody take a giant axe to the Washington Monument in a classic example of poetic justice. The possibilities are staggering.
P.S. Have you played 90% of the Sega CD's games? They had real actors. And they sucked. Horribly. I wouldn't exactly consider the inclusion of live acting to be a positive, unless it happens to appear in cutscenes which move the plot along, rather than being present merely to waste disc space.
| Placing your opinions into others' throats |
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Today a reader sent in an interesting letter, and his words left him pretty vulnerable to hate mail. Yes, he actually DIDN'T want Final Fantasy 9 to be a pure fantasy game. I'm impressed, actually. It's become almost policy for an RPG fan to say "Pure fantasy games are better" or "There should be less FMVs" or something basically saying "the older games were all around better". They say all these things while thinking they're all rebellious for not taking crap from "The Man" (That's those faceless corperate bastards everyone's always talking about - Not Gilgamesh).
The fact is, EVERYONE thinks this these days. It's not cool to think that Final Fantasy 8 was good despite that it was quite futuristic. Anyone who disagrees is labelled either a "newbie" or not a true RPG fan. If you think you're special for thinking this way, you're not. It takes a lot more courage to say something is good these days.
I think many people should realize this, and listen to their own opinions. I'm taking a stand right now: I think FF8 is a better overall game than FF6 (And yes, I've been an RPG fan since the beginning). I'm not going to explain why I think this (That would make this letter long and off-topic), but let me say this statement will not go over well with many people, but that's their own opinion. Or is it....? I'm mainly just sick and tired of the people who think they're being original for saying "this is bad", without good reason.
~The Big Bad BocoDragon
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I think that you've allowed the vocal minority to get to you, BocoDragon. I know many long-time RPG fans who prefer FFVIII out of the titles in the series, including our own resident RPG guru, Andrew Vestal. True, there are many who would say that they prefer the older installments, and insist upon shoving their opinions into the faces and down the throats of others, but I wouldn't let that get to you. In fact, it's perfectly valid an opinion to prefer, say, FFIV to FFVIII, for whatever the reasons. Whether this is just a matter of looking through rose-colored lenses, or genuine preference, I won't get into, but such a viewpoint is entirely valid.
But hey, if you really want the shit to hit the fan, try telling people that FFVII is, without any shadow of a doubt, the finest game in the entire franchise. That's always fun.
| Hungry Hungry Hasbro |
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Hi Drew,
To answer your question from yesterday, Wizards of the Coast was gobbled up
by Hasbro for about $325 million. Hasbro's primary reason for purchasing WotC
was to get their hands on the Magic: the Gathering and Pokemon card games.
Given how popular those games are, who could blame them? Consider your sorry
ass enlightened...
-Crimson
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My ass is most gracious. I'd heard something along those lines, but I wasn't sure of the exact specifics. As I've said, card games aren't really my forté.
| Counterfeit canuck |
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You make me sick. You horrible, terrible, Canadian man. How could you do
that? How COULD you? Have you no heart? Have you no soul? I
would've enver expected you to be so...so...Your sin is so horrendous,
words fail me. I am shocked and suspended in disbelief at this
dispictable act of yours. Bend over, young man. It's time you were
spanked.
And don't think you'll escape the wrath of the peoples unscathed either,
AndrewK! No no no...My all seeing eyes of justice see all.
October 30th, Drew. What does it mean? Go on, tell the rest of the
column. Tell them how you and AK failed to celebrate that date. Shame,
shame, shame, SHAME...
~Ian P.
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Okay, Ian, you've got me. What about October 30th is symbolic or meaningful? My ass has already been enlightened, so you can enlighten Andrew's ass with your reply.
Just as a side note, why in the hell does everybody think that I'm from Canada, anyhow?
| Underachiever? |
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I saw a comment in the column yesterday that was quite disturbing. It was
something about how if final fantasy was put back into this so-called
"fantasy" setting that it would be a "step backwards." well, this inspired
me to actually type something that won't be seen anyways. it could be a step
forward or a step backwards. it all depends on how they make the game. if
they were to put one thing i've heard they might do, and that is put the "job
system" in the game, that would be a step backwards.
just think about it. a job system in a medieval setting. hmm, haven't i
already played 2 games like that? (FF Tactics and FFV for any retards and rpg
newcomers out there) would that not be boring as hell? another way to have a
step backwards is tp put anything with elemental crystals or anything that
relates to those in there. that would be like going back to ffv all over
again. (not to mention those before that) however, this could be a major step
forward.
square hasn't done an rpg from the medieval setting in a while. yet,
before ffvi, almost all of them were. (for those that think ffvi is in the
medieval days... take a look at narshe, vector, magitek armor, etc. get the
point? too much technology there!) however, none of them have taken full
advantage of 3-d in that environment. yet, with the playstation, a huge step
forward would be hard so late in the system's life.
my suggestion to square is this: wait for the ps2 before you make another
final fantasy. the games are known for innovation, which is something that
is hard to achieve on the current ps.
-Lonely swedish
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I would tend to disagree, actually. Square has mastered the PSX architecture. By creating one last Final Fantasy on it, they can concentrate on fine tuning the gameplay, mechanics, storyline, and other vital elements. Chrono Trigger came out extremely late in the Super Nintendo's life span, when most had assumed that all of the tricks had been trumped out of the aging console, and it wound up being one of the finest RPGs to date.
| I disagree! |
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Tell Princess Jemmy she doesn't have a clue what she's talking about. What feature of fantasy settings makes it impossible to have multidimensional characters? What makes sci-fi heros easier to identify with? Yes, character development pretty much began with FFVI, but I think it's merely that Square has been getting more ambitious with its storylines and characters as the series progressed. It's a coincidence that they also decided to make the recent FFs more sci-fi.
And what was that nonsense about women in fantasy settings being one-dimensional and/or weak? Final Fantasy V was in a fantasy setting, but Faris is combat oriented and has attitude (and before Square's blasted translation hit the streets, talked like a human being). She'd much rather be out adventuring than sitting around waiting for her prince to come; she never even shows romantic interest in anyone. And if Jemmy STILL has doubts, tell her to read Steven Brust's Dragaera series: clearly fantasy, yet the heir to the throne (in other words, the "silly princess") is one of the best swordsmen (ahem, swordspeople) in the empire and doesn't take crap from anyone. The setting has nothing to do with it; it's merely what the writers decide to do with it.
-ChocoMog ZERO
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And there, ladies and gentlemen, is The Dissention of the Day. I hope that you enjoyed reading it.
Closing Comments
And with that, I'm out of here for now. As always, do try to play nice with the Kaufmann.
-Drew Cosner, master of the concise
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