Double Agent
A night at the movies - November 4th, 1999 - Drew Cosner

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. You're standing on my grave. I'd appreciate it if you'd move. Don't say that I didn't warn you.


Sure, games are great, but the games with which you can sit down with a few friends to play for a short while in order to keep yourselves entertained as a group are few and far between. That's where movies come into play. When there's simply nothing better to do, you can always head over to the theatre and catch the latest incarnation of the traditional mutant-animal attack, or catch the newest big-budget apocalyptic movies, complete with gratuitous Christian references to the Armageddon.

Just about every gamer has given thought to what an excellent film could be made from the storyline of his or her favorite game, and the reverse is equally true. Today's column is devoted to these very thoughts.

Off to a quick start

Hey Drew,

What games would I want to see movies? Well first I would want to see Final Fantasy Tactics made into a movie, because maybe then, I would be able to understand just what the hell is going on in that story. I mean, I played through that game twice, and there's still a lot of stuff that I'm unclear on.

I would also very much like to see Xenogears made into a movie, as well. Actually, I would rather prefer it be in anime form, and not live actors, and they could work with what they already have in the game's cut-scenes, even though they don't have that much of it in the game. But if they did make it, I don't think it would be very successful, in that a lot of people who played the game didn't like the story. And I don't even want to think about how they'll get around the whole second disk thing, since I don't think the audience will be very fond of Fei and Elly, sitting in chairs and just narrating for 20 minutes, with shots of what's supposed to be happening in the backround.

And finally, I think it would be awesome if Square made complete FMV movies of Final Fantasies 7 and 8. If they hired some good voice actors to bring the characters alive, that would just rock. With FF7 having Sephiroth, one of the coolest villians ever, along with an intriguing storyline, not to mention the fact that it's like one of the best selling RPG's in the states, it's pretty hard for this not to be a hit. And the unbelievably sweet fight scenes between Squall and Siefer with their gunblades, and the whole Execution thing, which makes you feel like your right in the middle of the JFK conspiracy, I just know that FF8 would make a great film as well.

-Mikey B.


Wouldn't the creation of a Xenogears movie be a rather pointless endeavor, as it's already been done? I have to admit that I was a bit disappointed with the rather low-end CG rendering which came nowhere near equaling the efforts of such companies as Pixar, and was inexplicably juxtaposed with a few brief segments of absolutely gorgeous Japanese-style animation. Although creating a film which could only be watched through the use of the Playstation game console was certainly innovative, I feel that the plot and cinematic feel would have been better served had the producers chosen to stick to a more widely accepted video format, such as VHS or DVD.

As for films based upon Final Fantasy VII and VIII, that would certainly be intriguing. Anthony Hopkins would make a great Sephiroth. Of course, since those who would be interested in seeing such films, namely Square fans, would already know what was going to happen, that would kind of put a damper on the whole deal. I'm perfectly happy with the Final Fantasy film that we're already getting, personally.

A good, old-fashioned bribe will always get you places

FF8 spoilers, yay!

Alright, I'm on the second CD of FF8. I just saw the FMV of the Balamb/Galbadia Garden clash. Where the SeeD's and the Galbadia Soldiers are fighting...I was impressed to say the least. I echo the sentiments of just about the entire column...Why the hell would anyone want to end the FF series? It's just beginning in my mind. Why do I say that? Because of the same reason George Lucas began doing the SW movies again. Because the technology has finally caught up with the makers imagination. The first FF on the PSX2...My thighs tingle in anticipation.

A thought that struck me while I was playing Soul Reaver, prior to reading your column no less..."This would make a great movie." How you would fit that game into two hours of film however...Maybe just use the setting.

FF6 too. I'm sorry, my fanboy side requires me to say that. Can't think of any actors who would do the characters justice though.

Now, Drew...How inspired would you say the line 'I'll be your boyfriend' is? Not very...Creative now is it? You see what I'm hinting at. What better way to win over the heart of Uncreativity than to be Uncreative? How you missed that is beyond me...Silly silly, Drew. I still love You though.

~Ian P.

P.S. And to ensure that this letter will be posted, here is your bribe. And I think you're really cute. Really.


I'd like to point out, again, that I certainly don't endorse the idea of putting a premature end to the Final Fantasy series. Some people apparently didn't catch that the first few times I mentioned it, and proceeded to send me hateful letters demanding to know why I would like to see Final Fantasy done away with, why I'm keeping Square from releasing Chrono Cross in the West, and why I wish to poison Gotham City's water reserves. Although I may be guilty of the latter, I certainly do not want to see a franchise that I, personally, enjoy as much as I do the Final Fantasies done away with. I hope that it continues to both exist and to bring it's own special brand of joy into my life for many years to come. Did that manage to pass through your aqueous humour, travel through your optic nerve in the form of a bio-electrical impulse, and get interpreted in your brain as a logical, English statement? Just making sure. Okay, I think I've just about met my sarcasm quota for the month.

Regarding a FFVI movie, I've already expressed my thoughts concerning the release of a film based on a pre-existing FF plotline, so we'll just move along. Soul Reaver would make a good movie, yes, although audiences would be a bit disappointed to find that it had been edited so extensively that the entire film was a paltry 45 minutes.

As for your line sent out to our friend Uncreativity, your logic is sound. I'm sure your net relationship will be a lasting one, bringing much cyberhappiness and joy into both of your lives. Remember, you met her through this column, meaning that you owe to me your firstborn. You wouldn't believe the amount of cash you can score by selling kids piece by piece through the black market. I highly encourage anyone who's been having financial troubles not to turn to a life of robbery and theft, but to grab a stray child from the streets, whip out that Exact-o knife, and harvest some of those organs that are just ripe for the pickin'.

Was that over the top? I can never tell.

Pong: The Movie

What game would I like to see made into a movie? Pong. Noodle that one for a while.

-Ian P.'s notorious evil twin, Ian O.


I can imagine a Pong game now. Two opposing forces collide in an epic struggle between the forces of good and evil. By cunningly manipulating the course of the Galactic Trade Committee over a matter of several years, the Legion of the Right Paddle has arisen as the single most powerful political organization in the universe. All living creatures have no choice but to succumb to its mighty will, offering up whatever goods and services their species is most well-known for and adept at providing.

At first all goes well, despite the dark nature of the Legion. Everyone is able to carve out a decent living through the sale their home world’s various goods, but all of that comes to a crashing halt when heavy taxes begin to be imposed by the Legion, despite the pleas the galaxy's denizens.

However, a savior soon emerges. The Legion's former head general is, at heart, a good person, and decides to put an end to the workings of the government which he had once served -- in typical RPG fashion, of course. He traverses the galaxy in his giant, rectangular spaceship, the USS Left Paddle, recruiting a motley band of fighters by burning down their hometowns and blaming it on the Right Paddle.

At length, they fight their way through the Legion's ranks, finally coming face to face with the Emperor himself. The Emperor is now nothing more than a psychedelic background pattern under the control of your former next-door neighbor, both because the pure evil which he had so long dealt in has overcome his mental faculties, and also to facilitate the limitations of the 8 bit processor he had originally been designed for.

After a grueling battle, the small resistance faction manages to pray the Emperor's ass back into hell, where it belongs. They then celebrate by looking at photographs of themselves and visiting various hamburger joints, where they are showered with praise by the underpaid teenagers manning the counters.

Was that theory adequately deranged and screwed up enough to meet your tastes? If not, perhaps this next letter will do the trick.

Pong: The Sequel

Hello Drewsers

The game that I want to be see be made into a movie is most definatly Pong. Think about the possiblities! I would like to see it as a crime drama/comedy/martial arts movie. With the rouge right paddle sick of all the corruption in the Police Of New Gaia (P.O.N.G.) so he sets out to change all that. One paddle, One density. Then the right paddle is his ex-partner who is now the corrupt cheif and it ends with him shoting a single bullet at our hero and then in the heroic final five minutes the bullet bouces from kevlar vest to kevlar vest until it zings past the right paddle and bounces off of Drew Cosner (In a special cameo appearance ^_^) and hits the villian in the back. Wouldn't that blow away the way america views pong.

-Figure Four


After all of the attempts made on my life by the many people whose letters and opinions I've openly mocked and insulted, it seemed that it would behoove me to purchase a bullet-proof vest. It would seem that it was the wise decision on my part.

Powers. Austin Powers.

Metal Gear.

I mean, c'mon...this is so obvious it's almost funny. Metal Gear Solid is already the closest you can get to an Action movie without going to a theatre, and the 4th in the series is already in development by Hideo-san, supposedly set in a major city. I know you'll probably get fifty letters about this anyway, and following past letters that got printed, I bet this letter won't get printed...but Solid Snake makes James Bond look like Austin Powers.


A Metal Gear movie would definitely be cool, although I think that Mister Bond still has the upper hand, as his latest film costars Denise Richards.

If you make it, they will buy (The Return)

If I could see any game in the world be turned into a movie, it would be Pokemon.

Oh wait.. nevermind.

-The Original Puzzle Bobble Gangsta'


I'm glad to see that Nintendo's latest attempt to milk the Pokemon franchise drier than the Sahara desert in the middle of August during a season of drought will please at least some people. You can't really blame them, however. If people are willing to continually purchase anything even remotely related to a company's franchises, it would be asinine not to capitalize on the craze as much as possible. When the Pokemon fever eventually dies down, Nintendo will have managed to bolster their little nest egg up substantially.

Unless, of course, Pokemon doesn't just dry up and blow away, as so many expect. Perhaps we have another Looney Tunes on our hands. Years from now we'll still be seeing T shirts depicting Pikachu and Jigglypuff modeling the latest urban wear, Squirtle advertising for 5 Cent Sundays with the aged Michael Jordan, and tractor trailers with mud flaps featuring Gary telling you to "Back the @(*$#% off!"

How's that for a scary thought, eh?

I'm going to enjoy killing you

The Matrix would make for an awesome game. It's too bad that the rumor that Hideo Kojima was going to make a game based on it sort of fell through... Just think about it though, it could be a stealth based game with lots and lots of firepower that you could use when you had to fight your way out of a jam. The coolest thing about it would be if it was on the PS2 and took full advantage of the analog buttons. There could be a button that would slow down time, like in the movie. When you fight someone, the action would slow down depending on how hard you push the button. I think that would be very cool.

-CTZanderman


I'd love to see a Matrix game. And your ideas would definitely be original and intriguing. It would have to have some dating elements, though, as they're all the rage lately. You would control the fate of Matrix star Keanu Reeves, and when engaged in conversation with a member of the opposite sex, you would be able to select from such responses as "uuuhhhh," "whoah," and "dude." The great part is that it really wouldn't matter what the hell you chose to respond with, as you still wouldn't be able to shake the women off with a stick. Just like real life, only completely different!

Always glad to make you look silly

Howdy thar, podner Drew.

In my opinion, I'd like to see Resident Evil made into a movie (aren't they doing that anyway, though? Not sure). I mean, Resident Evil is the granddaddy of all survival horror games--hell, Capcom even coined the genre name. And Resident Evil is so much more than these slasher movies that pass for horror films in today's depraved society. Sure, blood and gore is good, but there's got to be meat (does that count as a pun?) to the story, and that's what Resident Evil's got. Of course, personally, I would hope that the voice acting would be toned up a bit for the movie. Capcom might have given RE bad voice acting to give it that "B-movie" feel, but I don't watch B-movies.

Conversely, the movie that I want made into a game is Army of Darkness. Have you watched that before? That is the granddaddy of all horror-comedy movies. Yeah, yeah, I know, THQ is making a PSX game based on Army of Darkness, but come on, we want good, dependable developers. (Sorry, all you THQ fans.) If Square, for instance, were to take on the license, you can be sure we'd see one whopper of a horror-comedy game. And don't forget the Bruce Campbell voice-overs.

On a totally unrelated note, I was poking around looking for those elusive Pokemon CCG cards, to get my little brother for his birthday. I hadn't been able to find them anywhere. One of the clerks, though, told me that there weren't any to be found because the license to Pokemon was being sold (!!!), and until the deal was completed, no new cards were being manufactured. I don't believe this, personally, because I can't see Nintendo selling the license to their biggest cash cow EVER to anyone at all; but what's your take? Have you heard anything like that?

Signing off, and mentioning that his letter won't be posted so Drew will post it and make him look silly,

-Matt Blackie


Yeah, supposedly there is a Resident Evil film in the works. Whether it will be a quality film, or just a bunch of B movie schlock remains to be seen, but it is definitely in the works.

By the way, I don't think that you need to worry about offending THQ fans, since THQ has released very little of note. Unless, of course, more of my readers are big fans of mediocre, insipid titles based on the WWF license than I'd realized. In which case, I'd have to reconsider my stance on life, and look into joining a monastery somewhere deep in the mountains.

Moving along, you couldn't pry the Pokemon license out of Nintendo's cold, dead hands with a crowbar, much less by the rights to it from the company. I would imagine that the clerk was telling you that Nintendo was in the process of writing up an agreement with another company to produce the Pokemon cards. Up until this point, the trading cards have been the handiwork of Wizards of the Coast, but I've heard that they've recently been bought out by another company. I wouldn't exactly know, as those card games aren't really my bag, baby. If anybody would care to enlighten my sorry ass on the subject, have at it.

Fun for the whole @(#*%&ing family

Drew, Truly, if there is one game that deserves to be made into a movie, it is the undisputable classic Saga Frontier.

That's right, Saga Frontier. Imagine: The first non-linear movie. It stars several characters, that wander around aimlessly from scene to scene. Story? Naaah...forget it. Basically they'll run around and fight random monsters. Occasionally, with no prior prompting, the words "The End" will flash on the screen. But don't worry: It's not the end.

Ha ha! Nooo! Not the end at all! The main character will simply be replaced by another one, just as pointless, and just as non-linear. This character also bumps around and generally ignores any semblance of plot. Fun fun fun! Wouldn't that be fun?

I would like to take the time right now to declare anyone else's movie idea inherently stupid just because it's not mine. Thank you.

-Aaron L.


Let's see; I've insulted Xenogears, so I may as well piss off the small but dedicated group of people who actually enjoyed SaGa Frontier. I don't really like to do the thinking for myself, so I'll let this letter take care of my dirty work for me.

Just because I love you

I fear that the move towards a "fantasy" setting in the Final Fantasy series is a step backward (and yes, I expect a lot of your readers will disagree, to put it mildly). It may just mean that it will be harder to flesh out characters that are multidimensional. As a fan of both Fantasy and Science Fiction (movies, novels, and yes, games), I find the latter more entertaining because characters can retain a complexity that would have to be much harder to recreate in a pure fantasy setting.

What made the last two Final Fantasy most enjoyable, in my opinion, is that even though you are somewhat transported into their world, the suspension of disbelief is achieved fully because it is easy to identify with the unwilling, withdrawn hero (both Cloud and Squall have to be that), or with the heroine who struggles to be independent, even if never quite succeeding (think Tifa and Rinoa). In a way, th