Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. You're standing on my grave. I'd appreciate it if you'd move. Don't say that I didn't warn you.

Sure, games are great, but the games with which you can sit down with a few friends to play for a short while in order to keep yourselves entertained as a group are few and far between. That's where movies come into play. When there's simply nothing better to do, you can always head over to the theatre and catch the latest incarnation of the traditional mutant-animal attack, or catch the newest big-budget apocalyptic movies, complete with gratuitous Christian references to the Armageddon.

Just about every gamer has given thought to what an excellent film could be made from the storyline of his or her favorite game, and the reverse is equally true. Today's column is devoted to these very thoughts.

Wouldn't the creation of a Xenogears movie be a rather pointless endeavor, as it's already been done? I have to admit that I was a bit disappointed with the rather low-end CG rendering which came nowhere near equaling the efforts of such companies as Pixar, and was inexplicably juxtaposed with a few brief segments of absolutely gorgeous Japanese-style animation. Although creating a film which could only be watched through the use of the Playstation game console was certainly innovative, I feel that the plot and cinematic feel would have been better served had the producers chosen to stick to a more widely accepted video format, such as VHS or DVD.

As for films based upon Final Fantasy VII and VIII, that would certainly be intriguing. Anthony Hopkins would make a great Sephiroth. Of course, since those who would be interested in seeing such films, namely Square fans, would already know what was going to happen, that would kind of put a damper on the whole deal. I'm perfectly happy with the Final Fantasy film that we're already getting, personally.

I'd like to point out, again, that I certainly don't endorse the idea of putting a premature end to the Final Fantasy series. Some people apparently didn't catch that the first few times I mentioned it, and proceeded to send me hateful letters demanding to know why I would like to see Final Fantasy done away with, why I'm keeping Square from releasing Chrono Cross in the West, and why I wish to poison Gotham City's water reserves. Although I may be guilty of the latter, I certainly do not want to see a franchise that I, personally, enjoy as much as I do the Final Fantasies done away with. I hope that it continues to both exist and to bring it's own special brand of joy into my life for many years to come. Did that manage to pass through your aqueous humour, travel through your optic nerve in the form of a bio-electrical impulse, and get interpreted in your brain as a logical, English statement? Just making sure. Okay, I think I've just about met my sarcasm quota for the month.

Regarding a FFVI movie, I've already expressed my thoughts concerning the release of a film based on a pre-existing FF plotline, so we'll just move along. Soul Reaver would make a good movie, yes, although audiences would be a bit disappointed to find that it had been edited so extensively that the entire film was a paltry 45 minutes.

As for your line sent out to our friend Uncreativity, your logic is sound. I'm sure your net relationship will be a lasting one, bringing much cyberhappiness and joy into both of your lives. Remember, you met her through this column, meaning that you owe to me your firstborn. You wouldn't believe the amount of cash you can score by selling kids piece by piece through the black market. I highly encourage anyone who's been having financial troubles not to turn to a life of robbery and theft, but to grab a stray child from the streets, whip out that Exact-o knife, and harvest some of those organs that are just ripe for the pickin'.

Was that over the top? I can never tell.

I can imagine a Pong game now. Two opposing forces collide in an epic struggle between the forces of good and evil. By cunningly manipulating the course of the Galactic Trade Committee over a matter of several years, the Legion of the Right Paddle has arisen as the single most powerful political organization in the universe. All living creatures have no choice but to succumb to its mighty will, offering up whatever goods and services their species is most well-known for and adept at providing.

At first all goes well, despite the dark nature of the Legion. Everyone is able to carve out a decent living through the sale their home world’s various goods, but all of that comes to a crashing halt when heavy taxes begin to be imposed by the Legion, despite the pleas the galaxy's denizens.

However, a savior soon emerges. The Legion's former head general is, at heart, a good person, and decides to put an end to the workings of the government which he had once served -- in typical RPG fashion, of course. He traverses the galaxy in his giant, rectangular spaceship, the USS Left Paddle, recruiting a motley band of fighters by burning down their hometowns and blaming it on the Right Paddle.

At length, they fight their way through the Legion's ranks, finally coming face to face with the Emperor himself. The Emperor is now nothing more than a psychedelic background pattern under the control of your former next-door neighbor, both because the pure evil which he had so long dealt in has overcome his mental faculties, and also to facilitate the limitations of the 8 bit processor he had originally been designed for.

After a grueling battle, the small resistance faction manages to pray the Emperor's ass back into hell, where it belongs. They then celebrate by looking at photographs of themselves and visiting various hamburger joints, where they are showered with praise by the underpaid teenagers manning the counters.

Was that theory adequately deranged and screwed up enough to meet your tastes? If not, perhaps this next letter will do the trick.

After all of the attempts made on my life by the many people whose letters and opinions I've openly mocked and insulted, it seemed that it would behoove me to purchase a bullet-proof vest. It would seem that it was the wise decision on my part.

A Metal Gear movie would definitely be cool, although I think that Mister Bond still has the upper hand, as his latest film costars Denise Richards.

I'm glad to see that Nintendo's latest attempt to milk the Pokemon franchise drier than the Sahara desert in the middle of August during a season of drought will please at least some people. You can't really blame them, however. If people are willing to continually purchase anything even remotely related to a company's franchises, it would be asinine not to capitalize on the craze as much as possible. When the Pokemon fever eventually dies down, Nintendo will have managed to bolster their little nest egg up substantially.

Unless, of course, Pokemon doesn't just dry up and blow away, as so many expect. Perhaps we have another Looney Tunes on our hands. Years from now we'll still be seeing T shirts depicting Pikachu and Jigglypuff modeling the latest urban wear, Squirtle advertising for 5 Cent Sundays with the aged Michael Jordan, and tractor trailers with mud flaps featuring Gary telling you to "Back the @(*$#% off!"

How's that for a scary thought, eh?

Yeah, supposedly there is a Resident Evil film in the works. Whether it will be a quality film, or just a bunch of B movie schlock remains to be seen, but it is definitely in the works.

By the way, I don't think that you need to worry about offending THQ fans, since THQ has released very little of note. Unless, of course, more of my readers are big fans of mediocre, insipid titles based on the WWF license than I'd realized. In which case, I'd have to reconsider my stance on life, and look into joining a monastery somewhere deep in the mountains.

Moving along, you couldn't pry the Pokemon license out of Nintendo's cold, dead hands with a crowbar, much less by the rights to it from the company. I would imagine that the clerk was telling you that Nintendo was in the process of writing up an agreement with another company to produce the Pokemon cards. Up until this point, the trading cards have been the handiwork of Wizards of the Coast, but I've heard that they've recently been bought out by another company. I wouldn't exactly know, as those card games aren't really my bag, baby. If anybody would care to enlighten my sorry ass on the subject, have at it.