Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I wonder what Conan is going to do with that skit come 2000. Don't say that I didn't warn you.

I like the manner in which Thanksgiving has become the bastard holiday. You have your Halloween, and from there, every department store, restaurant, and fast food joint starts throwing up their Christmas decorations. It's now officially that most wonderful time of the year in which you can get your hands on limited edition, beautifully machine-crafted drinking glasses with pictures of Santa Claus and various winter scenes sloppily stenciled onto them by a mechanical arm in sector 8H-56Y of a Chinese assembly plant; all for only 99 cents with your purchase of a hamburger that has eggnog cooked into the bun to help you get into that Holiday Spirit.

Occasionally, you'll catch some maverick supermarket bucking the trend and advertising free Thanksgiving turkeys which can be earned through the purchase of 600 dollars of worthless shit, but the voice-over usually makes a point of reminding you that turkeys make an excellent meal for the Holidays, as well. Clever, when you consider that everyone seems to forget that buying a turkey for Thanksgiving and Christmas is pointless as you'll have leftovers from Thanksgiving rotting in the back of your refrigerator for the next 6 years. But hey, advertising is advertising, and they're out to sell their products.

I think that there exists a secret, underground organization working for the gradual fazing out of Thanksgiving as a consideration to humanity, since nobody likes being around their reject of a family, anyhow. The fact that turkey puts everyone to sleep nearly instantaneously isn't enough; the buffoons awaken soon enough. No, the only way to save mankind from this grievous "celebration" is by its imperceptible elimination. Maybe we can replace Thanksgiving with National Lock Yourself Away in Your Living Quarters and Away From Fellow Human Beings Day. That would certainly be more inline with what people have come to enjoy, anyhow.

Why am I going on about this? No reason, in particular. I just happened to see an Arby's commercial advertising for beautifully machine-crafted drinking glasses before I sat down to write this column, and I needed something to prate about in the opening paragraphs. Mission successful; and you fell for it. Sucker.

The endless hours of joy and excitement inherent in the tireless search for all of those crazy, elusive letters of the alphabet will undoubtedly make Elmo's Letter Adventure a sure-fire hit. Screw the intricate puzzles and moody atmospheres of other future releases, such as Code Veronica, we want to search for the letter "X" and laugh giddily upon finding it.

Obviously the words of a man who has not yet played the game. Legend of Mana is excellent, as long as you don't mind the inexplicable absence of any discernible goal or meaningful story line. The fact that the game is mainly non-linear and allows each section of exploration to be opened in any order the player so chooses has lead to a game which is made up entirely of side-quests, the actual plot and main quest having been forgotten. There's plenty to be found and done, but what's the point? It's like a racing game with no finish line or opponents vying for the first position against you.

I reply to this letter because a few other misguided souls had similar sentiments, and you know what a charge I get out of delivering sour news, and all.

You'd be surprised how worked up children get over Pokémon. If you thought that the little tikes were perfectly harmless as they traded merrily cards and linked their Gameboys together to exchange captured Pokeémon, it's time that you realized the truth. They've had enough of the tyranny inflicted upon them by the adult world, and Pikachu has risen as the eye of their storm; the pillar of strength and form in a land that has so long existed under the dark shadow of those 15 and older. And, as Ian as brought to your attention, they will soon revolt.

Don't be smug; those little fists hurt, and kids are well aware of the kidney shot and sucker punch. It may seem humorous now, but you won't be laughing quit so heartily when you're trying to pick a Squirtle action figure out of your ass.

I should note, in response to your post script, that I had a hunch that someone would be so kind as to offer to be the significant other in Uncreativity's life, after her letter was posted a day or two ago. But I never imagined that it would be you, Ian. You've always come up with such original, witty letters, and now you've gone lowered your dignity by making such a cliché comment. We still love you, Ian, but I think that you've just earned yourself an extra week on urinal detail.

Ah, the inevitable rebuttal to my election of Zell as The vice MAN. All of the characters you mention are fine and good, but they've had the spotlight for far too long. They're such obvious choices; nominating any of them as The vice MAN would be more a situation of jumping on the bandwagon than nominating a character who is truly deserving of such a position, and of such praise and adoration.

Zell has style and pinache. He has hair that I only wish I could pull off, if it weren't for those damned physics and all of that gravity junk. He's always willing to go the distance to keep things energized while Squall is too busy moping, lamenting the days when he would stand outside in the rain in his Charlie Brown shirt, hoping for the return of Ellone, to be an adequate leader.

And not only that, his Limit Breaks kick supreme ass. And he doesn't wear an effeminate, fur-lined jacket, either.

And hey, perhaps Chrono Cross will even be an excellent game, warranting its success? I know that may seem outrageous and all, since one or two character sketches are a bit silly, undoubtedly signifying a terrible game, but we can't rule out that possibility just yet.

As for Chrono Trigger, well, I'm not so sure about that. Lunar sold well because many RPG fans hadn't yet played it, and the chance to try their hand at an enhanced version of the game on a system that they actually owned was an opportunity few passed up on. However, most of this same crowd has already played, and probably owns, Chrono Trigger as it is. While it's true that there have been some newcomers to the RPG fold, I don't think their numbers are high enough to make Chrono Trigger the success that Lunar was. At least, not if it's released in America. I'm sure it will do peachy-keen over in Japan.

I do have to agree that Perfect Dark will sell madly. Deservedly so, as well; everything that Goldeneye did well, Perfect Dark improves upon, and it also throws a respectable number of innovations and unique additions into the mix, as well. Besides, N64 owners will be all over any Rare title like a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat, no matter what the game is.

And Pokémon, ah Pokémon. Nintendo could release "Pokémon: Freaking Sucks Edition," and it would still fly off of the shelves. Anything even remotely related to the license is sure to be a hot item in the coming year.

If the Playstation 2 is released on schedule, and manages to make it out before the year's end, I do expect early titles such as The Bouncer to be a success, since early adopters will be hungry for quality titles that show off their new system's capabilities, which The Bouncer does rather effectively. Legend of Dragoon should also sell fairly respectably, as it will be the first classic-style RPG to see a release on the Dreamcast.

However, I should point out that Zelda: Gaiden, while sharing a similar battle scheme and graphical engine, is hardly "more of the same." The set of skills and weaponry available to link, as well as the characters, puzzles, dungeons, and story line are all entirely unique to the title. The style of play may remain consistent, but the adventure is going to be entirely new. I'm certainly looking forward to it, and I'm certain that just about every other N64 owner in the free world won't hesitate to snap it up upon hitting the shelves.

And now I sit, eagerly awaiting all of the letters I'll no doubt receive, telling me why I'm wrong, and why Zelda is nothing but a sad rehash.

Anyhow, I do expect Shen Mue to be huge. Even if the game sucks, the hype which has surrounded it for months now will be more than enough to pique the interest of many gamers. I expect that it will be a classic in its own rights, but even if it is a huge failure, at least Yu tried something new. Better to fail spectacularly than to heap more of the same into gamers' faces.

Lastly, if we were going by physical size, Earthbound would have been the single biggest title in the history of gaming.

Actually, there is something for me to add. I'm surprised by how few people listed Final Fantasy IX as one of the biggest titles of the coming year, as its release in 2000 is all but confirmed. Maybe more people have been turned off by the supposed medieval/fantasy theme than I'd realized.

That line is certain to piss some people off.

And lastly, a well-rounded letter to wind up the column with. You make valid points with all of the games you mention, albeit underscored by your own opinions. Not that I can speak out against that, or anything, since interjecting my own opinions into factual matters is one of my favorite pastimes.

Closing Comments

The Final Fantasy series has enjoyed a long and successful run. Most companies only dream of creating such a lucrative and well-received franchise, yet for Square it has been a continued reality. However, it would seem that perhaps the options available to the series' creators have begun to run dry. Already, we're seeing a return to a setting which has already been made use of in earlier titles. And many feel that the music, story line, and character development have taken a sharp drop-off with the modern Final Fantasies.

Perhaps the time is nearing in which Square will finally lay the franchise to rest, and begin focusing on other projects. After all, all good things must come to an end. Perhaps Final Fantasy X will be the final game in the series, as has been rumored and whispered for aeons.

What do you think? Will the time to put an end to the series soon be upon us? Is that time now? Or is all of this ridiculous; there is still much work to be done, and many avenues will be opened thanks to the power of the PS2? think about it a bit, guzzle a can of spray cheese, and then write me a response of your own. All while slammin' a Dew, of course.

-Drew Cosner, Captain of the Starship Enterprise