Congratulations on your survival - November 1st, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Suck ingenuity down through the family tree. Don't say that I didn't warn you.
It looks like another Haloween has come and gone. The fact that you're here reading this column is solid evidence that you've managed to avoid:
- Getting hit by an oncoming car due to the predominantly dark coloring of your costume
- Eating a piece of candy that had been injected nice and full of strychnine by a demented misanthropist.
- Dying of cardiac arrest thanks to the copious amounts of sugar, preservatives, artificial chemicals, and fat content that you spent the entire night cramming down your face.
- Getting knocked over the head by a police officer who had caught you defecating into your neighbors' birdbaths and hurling eggs at their cars.
And for all of you older readers, you've avoided getting yourself hammered and wrapping your car around a telephone pole. Good job! You have to enjoy the small victories in life.Have I managed to put a cynical and sarcastic enough of a spin on a holiday that is enjoyed by many? I've got a reputation to uphold here. To help you celebrate your continued existence, here's another rank pile of my trademark wit and facetiousness.
| I'm your self-proclaimed intellect |
|
Kryluck's ignorance here should earn him scorn and mockery.
POEM! Dear Lord! Such magnificence and grandeur should not be
downplayed so, and certainly not by anyone who has played the first
three minutes of the game (which would be the intro FMV), for this
so-called "poem" is none other than the lyrics to the Liberi Fatali!
Excitate vos e somno, liberi mei.
Cunae non sunt.
Excitate vos e somno, liberi fatali.
Somnus non est.
Surgite.
Invenite hortum veritatis.
Ardente veritate
Urite mala mundi.
Ardente veritate
Incendite tenebras mundi.
Valete, liberi,
Diebus fatalibus.
There is a consistent parsing of "liberi fatali": sc. "rei". Then
"fatali" is dative singular, and you have
Awaken yourselves from sleep, my children.
It is not the cradle.
Awaken yourselves from sleep, children, to the fatal matter [to fate].
It is not sleep.
Arise.
Find the garden of truth.
With burning truth
Burn the evils of the world.
With burning truth
Light afire the shadows of the world.
Be strong, children,
In the fatal days.
Quod erat demonstrandum. For shame, Drew. You, of all
people, should have noticed this.
-Zen
|
I'm interested to know how you feel that I should have caught such inaccuracies when I have absolutely no knowledge of the Latin language myself. Although I go to great efforts to create the illusion that I'm both intellectual and knowledgeable, even my capabilities are finite. However, your efforts to receive a Smartass Award have not gone unnoticed. Although the attempts which you've made in the past were met with mockery and insult, I'm in a generous mood tonight. So, Zen, here's your award.
Remember, although the Smartass Award may have meaning to you, and may even be a source of pride and feelings of accomplishment, others will have no clue as to what it means. Refrain from pinning it to your lapel in a flagrant display, or from using it as rationalization for an arrogant and pompous attitude towards others. Although that kind of demeanor is in no way frowned upon around here, I've noticed that most of the population doesn't appreciate a little wholesome irreverence one bit. Go figure.
| More time travel crap |
Mikey's letter provoked an interesting thought in my head. He
mentioned if
you went back in to the past, you would be stuck in a continuous
time loop.
Let's look at 2 completly different games which incorporate the
aspect of time
and compare/contrast them.
First, let's look at Zelda 64. Link himself could not transport
things via
the timeline he was using to return 7 yrs ahead or back.
Instead, Link was
the timeline. Time itself revolved around him. Now, from the 7
years Link
stayed in the Chamber of Sages, it was known that time itself did not stop
while he was asleep there. When Link finally defeats Ganon, he
is sent back
in time, doomed to loop over the events that transpired since he
picked up the
sword.
Now, for a slightly more complicated example, let's look at FF8. Edea
received her powers via Hyne. When Edea was defeated, her powers
passed on to
Rinoa. Rinoa used those powers to defeat every sorrcerres but
herself. When
Ultimicia was destroyed and Edea was free of any powers, Matron took on
Ultimicia's powers. That would send time in a loop. just because she was
destroyed, it never changed the fact that she was born. She would be born
with powers and probably still try to take over Edea and compress
time, having
Squall and the gang destroy her again. The plan was not well
thought out.
While the future will continuie to happen, the past still exists,
going over
and over. A clearer example is this: the moments after time
compression stops
(after the scene in Edea's orphanage), Squall and the rest of the
world enter
another dimension (hereby refered to as Dimension B). This dimension B is
present. The alternate dimension (Dimension A) is the 17 yrs
that were shown
in the game. This would be beyond Ellone's powers to create such
a dimension,
the only thing that could do it was time compression. Now, when
Ultimicia is
decides to compress time in Dimension B, that dimension freezes.
Dimension A
restarts to loop time over again and again. Ultimicia would be
defeated and
would pass her powers on to Edea again. At that moment,
Dimension B resets
and restarts Squall's life after that day.
Does it make sense?
|
That's as clear as mud.
| Gilgamesh: not THE MAN? |
|
Drew,
I've read over your past few columns about "THE MAN." This Gilgamesh fellow.
And I've come to the conclusion that there is some sort of mind control at
work.
Gilgamesh is not worthy of this title. He's a weak GF. He's a weak boss.
He's just weak. I mean, look at the other GFs:
- Quetzacoatl - A god.
- Shiva - A god (lameified by Square, but still).
- Diablos - The Devil.
- Leviathan - Legendary serpent which battled God.
- Phoenix - Legendary immortal bird of fire.
- Odin - King of the Norse Gods.
- Cerberus - Guardian of the gates of the Underworld.
- Bahamut - Some kind of legendary dragon... or something.
- Eden - Frickin' PARADISE!
Gilgamesh was merely a Babylonian demigod king. He couldn't even stay awake
for one week! ONE WEEK! Odin gouged out his own eye for knowledge! Shiva
dances on the heads of his vanquished foes! And Gilgamesh can't even stay
awake for a week? Please.
And then in FFV he's a weak boss even with his friend backing him up. All
the power he does have is probably do to all the Genji stuff he carries. He
must've stolen the Masamune while Sephiroth was asleep or something.
Granted, he does have some decent battle music, but c'mon, it's called "The
Big Bridge." Woohoo. And even that can't make up for his shortcomings.
Face it, guys. This character you've built up in your minds to be the be-all
end-all of Summon godliness is nothing more than a fabrication, an illusion.
How else can you explain someone stupid enough to try to use Zantetsuken on
a BOSS and then run off lest he face the fiery repercussions. Please.
Have some sense and worship a GOOD GF or villain next time. Geez.
Sincerely,
-Robert Silvers
|
It was only a matter of time before I started to receive letters denying Gilgamesh's MANliness, as a reaction to all of the times his praise has been sung. Everything is objective, and trying to argue a point such as this would be akin to bickering with a blind man who insists that the sky is brown. In other words, if you're too blind or ignorant to realize Gilgamesh's true greatness, there's nothing I can do to change your position. However, it may be time that another RPG character is given the respect and recognition that he deserves. Read on, I'm actually getting to something with this. For once.
| The Vice MAN (Final Fantasy VIII spoilers.) |
|
There I was, busting caps into Tonberries, being cocky and setting Zell,
Squall and Quistis with 100 triples to all their speeds and then using Mad
Rush and having the computer fight them automatically while went away to
praise THE MAN. (actually, I was changing my grandma's diapers and getting
her stuff to eat and drink)
Eventually, I reached Tonberry 18. I had foolishly used MAD RUSH to begin
with, so when my guys capped #18 and Master Tonberry came out, I was screwed.
I think you know the rest that goes on from here.
Actually, you DON'T know what went on. My guys were nailing Tonberry for
what must have been 40 minutes when Squall finally went down and 5 minutes
later, Quistis. My level 18 Zell (Squall 82, Quistis 61) was the only one
left. I felt really, really bad as I went to get a soda, knowing that Zell
wouldn't survive...... OR WOULD HE?!????????!!??!?!!?!
Oh yes, he survived. I forget I had left Auto-Potion on him. Luckily, he
was using Hi-Potions; every hit Master Tonberry used only did about 500
damage, thanks to the Mad Rush's PROTECT. I couldn't help but watch every
single minute of the 30 minutes the battle ensued. FINALLY...........
Zell won.
-The Left-sider Rider
|
The first time that I successfully laid the smack down upon Ultimecia was in a similar fashion. Every last one of my characters, with the exception of Zell, had been absorbed into time. Fortunately, Zell had a limit break built up, and it was just enough to send Ultimecia looking for a vessel to deposit her powers into before keeling over.
Zell is indeed deserving of the position of The Vice MAN. Just look at him. He's got more style and attitude than the rest of the cast combined. When you take into consideration the fact that Squall, the game's leading man, is an introverted and antisocial misogynist, Zell is Final Fantasy VIII's saving grace. Zell is like Sonic the Hedgehog if Sonic were a person and not a hedgehog. Or something.
| Don't even bother to try |
|
Hey Drew,
All I did was send in my thoughts on what I would like to see in the next
Final Fantasy. Why the hell is everyone sending freaking time travel
theories in response? I do not understand gamers, and I never will.
-Michael Kenny
|
Those are my exact sentiments, Michael. Gamers are an unusual bunch. They want to see developers place more importance on gameplay rather than graphical flair, and yet they denounce Nintendo games because they look too childish for their tastes. They want a better storyline, but they want nonlinearity. They want larger parties, but better character development. They want games to appeal to all genders and ages, and yet they can't seem to get enough of the Tomb Raider series. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that gamers don't really know what the hell it is that they want. That's what makes hosting a column devoted to the discussion of video games such a trip. Now, if you don't mind, I need to get back to having my midlife crisis a few years in advance.
| Warning: freaking weird letter ahead |
|
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Elly: Because it thought zat by performing zis sacrifice it could help der other people. Then it realized zat zis vuz vrong, and it ought to preserve its own life instead. Or vait, did it? Or maybe it vuz right originally? Or maybe I am just confused?
Hyuga:
Erich: It may look like the chicken crossed the road, but please, don't talk about it. We can't let anyone else know.
Bart: It wasn't trying to escape me shooting at it! I wasn't shooting at it! Really!
Margie: You mean that it wasn't a stuffed animal?
Maison: Probably because it was influenced by all of the young and energetic youths around it...
Shakan: What makes you think I know? I wasn't... spying on it, or anything.
Rico: It must have been under the control of the Ethos.
Hammer: To come and buy stuff from my shop, of course, bro! I mean, come on, I've got MAD SKILLZ! The chicken's a smart dude! It knew that!
Old Man Bal': To slay God. No, wait, I didn't say that. Silly me.
Taura Melchior: It was just an after-effect of the nanotechnology I used in creating it.
Gasper: I'm too surprised that my name got mentioned to actually answer this question!
Chu-chu: Chu get chu the other side.
Nikolai: It wasn't the chicken's fault - that chicken was being controlled by Solaris!
Maria: It had to protect me. Midori was coming to attack me, and Siebzehn wasn't around...
Queen Zephyr: Ummm... actually, I was the one who told the chicken to cross the road. But don't worry. I'll never do it again.
Emerelda: I not know. To see Fei's Kim?
Captain of the Thames: Because... it is... a MAN... of the sea!
Yui: I don't know why, and I don't care. I don't even care if the chicken comes back safely. You would never guess what a close relationship I have to this chicken, actually. It doesn't bother me at all that it left...
Midori: ...
Primera: ...Father...
Billy: It must have been all my father's fault.
Stein: Because the chicken was secretly a Jew.
Jesiah: To get to the beer on the other side.
Sigurd: To get away from the beer on this side!
Hyuga: I finally comprehend! The answer to this question is simple. Obviously, the fowl possessed a desire to transverse the path that was an obstacle and merely intended to end up where it had originally wished to be.
Cain: The chicken may have originally intended to cross the road to end up on the other side, but I suspect that somewhere along the way it realized the harm this would cause and changed its mind.
Gazel Ministry: The chicken...
Has crossed the road.
Yes. Do you think this means it will discover the anima?
I do not know. Perhaps we should ask the Mother?
But what about the Antitype?
The Key will take care of the Contact, at least.
Dominia: I don't know exactly, but probably it was Krelian and Miang's idea, so that they could manipulate Kahr. Damn those fiends!
Kelvena: The chicken was just doing what it wanted to do. It is really a very nice chicken. Too bad we have to fight it... I would prefer just being its friend.
Tolone: It was probably some stupid scheme of Seraphita's.
Seraphita: I can do 750 push-ups in a row!
Grahf: I am Grahf, the seeker of chickens. Doth thou desire the chicken? Oh, wait, is that where it went? Well, better go get it then...
Kahn/Wiseman: The chicken crossed the road? Gee, I didn't notice. Must have been too busy with something else.
Wave Existence: This is a metaphor. I am the chicken. I was just descending the Path of Sephirot to the other side.
Deus: The chicken had been bought by the farmer. But then the farmers tried to take it across the street to the butcher's. Well, obviously the chicken couldn't stand for this. No wonder it violently rebelled and killed the farmer. But, sadly, it couldn't fly well enough to get back, so it ended up crossing the road anyway in order to find a farmer who could bring it back home.
Miang: I can't answer that question. The chicken was just programmed that way.
Krelian: The chicken couldn't help itself. It's just evil. This is inevitable. There's nothing the chicken can do about it. I think that the chicken ought to be killed so that it can join God; that's the only thing one can do when confronted with evil like this.
Dan: Well, I don't know. It took one look at me and then ran... but I bet it has something to do with that Fei.
Fei: It wasn't my fault! I didn't do it! I... uh... ugh...
Id: It was all that stupid Coward's fault!
Kahr: Yes, it was all Fei's fault. The chicken must be an enemy. In fact, why are you asking this question? You must be an enemy! All of you are enemies! Enemies! Enemies! Enemies! Enemies! Enemies! Enemies! Enemies!
-Vierran of House Guaranty
|
This is, without any doubt, the strangest letter which I have ever printed in this column.
| Fast as fast can be... |
|
Hello, Drew...I am the Reaper. I can't find your house :(
Sincerely,
-The Reaper
|
Did you really think that I would make it so easy for you? My time may have come long ago, but I'll continue to traverse this planet and evade you at every step. You think that you're so bad just because you're Death. Well, you'll never catch me, buddy.
| ET wouldn't be happy at all |
|
I'm writing to address a very offensive trend in Square's recent
policies towards a minority group. There are those who were offended at
Barret's portrayal in FF7, and some who took offense at the
anti-religious statements in Xenogears... but in both those games and
others, there have been instances where one minority group was denounced
as the purest evil.
SPACE ALIENS.
That's right - both these games seemed to go out of their way to
portray extra-terrestrial beings as vessels of purest evil. FF7 had
Jenova, the "calamity from the skies" who befriended the Cetra then
turned on them, killing nearly all of them before her reign of terror
was ended. And in Xenogears, the final boss is Deus, an "interplanetary
invasion weapon system" designed to destroy inhabited planets. Who built
this weapon system? Not the humans you meet in the game, but... people
from another planet! The humans you meet in the game are created by Deus
to revive itself, so it can go about its business - killing planets!
At first it seemed that Square might be turning this disturbing trend
around with the latest installment of the Final Fantasy series; aliens
were nowhere to be found in the main plot. But if you visit certain
locations throughout the game, the characters will spot - and eventually
fight - an absurdly cartoonish UFO, about as realistic as something
you'd find in a cereal box. As if that weren't insulting enough, one of
the sightings features this whimsical little UFO carrying away a cow.
Obviously this is a reference to the cattle mutilations that have been
blamed on extra-terrestrials for decades without any supporting
evidence.
And when you finally do meet this alien, you must destroy his
spaceship, leaving him helpless and alone. But does this disgustingly
cute alien stand up for himself? Does he run off to leave everyone
alone? No! He belligerently demands that the party members turn over
several of the rarest medicines in the game! What does he give them in
return? A card. A single playing card.
This kind of mockery is an outrage. All we extra-terrestrials ask is a
little bit of respect for our heritage, and Square, like most popular
media, has portrayed us time and time again as helpless fools or
diabolical villains. We don't wish to force the point, but if this trend
continues, we will have little choice but to turn our Ultra Death Ray on
Square HQ. We are peace-loving beings by nature, and we are here to
spread the universal message of love, but for crying out loud - enough's
enough!
-Miaknelarm, X452-R3 of Ursa Minor Beta.
|
Just because aliens wish only to come to our planet, probe us anally, and eventually take the joint over using what information they've amassed through their many abductions doesn't mean that they should be portrayed in such an unflattering light in video games. This is truly a travesty.
Closing Comments
Okay, tomorrow's column needs to be a good, heated debate. We haven't had one of those in a while. So, let me lay it on you, thick and smooth: What do you feel will be the biggest games of 2000? There you have it. Short and sweet. Let me know what you think.
-Rich Uncle Cosnerbags
|
|
|
|
