Hey, does your middle name start with C? (ACK!)

Okay, not only is it theoretically impossible to go back in time, but even if you could, the earth is MOVING through SPACE at a VERY high RATE of SPEED, so you'd probably end up exploding somewhere in deep space.

I might be a day late and a dollar short, but my halloweenie horror story is when my PSX broke while I was playing FF7. That's right: broke. Hope my other one doesn't do that.

~Cid Reincarnate

Happy Halloween K-man,

Anyway wanna hear a spooky story? I did buy FF:Mystic Quest! And in some strange way I kinda enjoyed it.

But on to my real story. OK I was on vacation and since it was raining I decided to rent a playstation from a local video store and check out Resident Evil. Since I hadn't thought ahead to bring my PSX or even my memory card I was stuck playing RE without being able to save at all. On a rainy day, in a strange house by myself, with no lights turned on except an eerie clouded out sunlight coming from a window. After about 8 hours straight I got so paranoid about dying and loosing all my work that I could barely leave the playstation and was freaking out at the slightest sound. Then I died on one of those boulders or something. MWAHAHA wasn't that spoooky? Did I scare you AK? I'm sorry, have a Kit-Kat.

Give me a break,
Spy Guy

To: Agent A.K. of the G.I.A.
From: Algus, The Limey Bastard

Here are some important points about black holes that Mikey B. got wrong, in an effort to undo the idiocy he has spread. Since your column moves in search of the truth(?) you should post this right away!!

1) Black holes were originally stars, and are NEVER planets. Only a star can form a black hole, and they are no longer stars (or planets) once they form black holes. They are singularities, that is to say, a single point with an inescapable gravity well originating from it.

2) Radiation doesn't "escape" black holes. However, radiation is blown off the surface of the event horizon. This radiation is in the form of X-rays, which are visible with certain types of telescopes-- but not optical ones.

3) Time travel is impossible simply because there is no past or future to go forward or back to. Time, being a force, is not a great map where you can jump to and fro upon.

4) Nothing can crash into the singularity of a black hole. In fact, all the matter that enters a black hole spirals down towards the singularity forever, infinitely. None of the matter ever reaches the singularity, nor does it contact any of the other matter. It simply spirals around, and down, forever.

5) For that matter, anything approaching a black hole won't "break up". Such a belief is absolutely ridiculous. In fact, what would happen is that, as something or someone entered the black hole, gravitational diffusion would ensue. Briefly, we know that gravity increases exponentially over distance, and decreases exponentially in relative distances away. Due to this, gravity is what is called a "weak force". However, the gravity of a singularity (read: black hole) is so strong that the differences in gravity between mere millimeters are huge. As you approached the event horizon, the difference in gravity between your head and your feet (assuming you went in feet-first) would literally tear you apart. However, you wouldn't feel any pain. The actual "tearing apart" occurs on an atomic level, and if you could see what was happening, it would simply appear that your body was fading away, from your feet, working up, until nothing was left at all. There wouldn't be any blood or any pain-- you'd just fade away.

6) Speed has very little to do with time. In actuality, gravity is what affects time. The reason speed is so often figured into the equation is that, by increasing speed, you are in effect increasing the pull of gravity upon you relative to your position. Gravitational diffusion has a part in this as well, and the following relation has been proven. Two very exact clocks, identically set, were placed at the top and the bottom of a sky scraper. After some time, they were taken down and found to be different. This is because of gravitational diffusion-- the strength of gravity at the bottom of the tower was stronger than at the top, and so time literally moved SLOWER at the bottom of the tower. (Since, as we know, gravity slows time down. This is effectively as much *time travel* as you can ever do.)

7) In a black hole, the example above takes place. If you could survive the entrance, and retain movement in time within a black hole (neither of which are possible), this is what could occur. You could go into the black hole, and due to the intense gravity, time would cease to move for you. However, outside of the event horizon, time would continue forward. When you came out, no time would have passed for you, (i.e. you would think you had come out at the time you went in) however, time would have continued outside, so you would appear to have jumped into the future. This isn't possible simply because, a) once you enter a black hole you can't get out (you are broken into energy, per reason 5) , and b) time stops in a black hole, meaning that even if you still had a body you wouldn't be able to think or use it, since you would be frozen in one moment of consciousness, not able to move forward or back.

8) The closest black hole is not "just beyond Pluto". In fact, it is believed to be in an entirely different system altogether, and is nowhere even close to our own solar system. Remember, black holes are ONLY formed from stars, and so to have a black hole just beyond Pluto would mean that our system had a supermassive star in orbit around Sol. This isn't possible, since we know that more massive stars retain planetary orbits, and not vice versa. I could cite a lot of scientific proof and examples, but that would just take us off topic. Suffice to say, there has never been more than just our one star in this solar system, so there are no black holes here. (Side note, Our Sun is not over the Chandresekhar limit, and thus will never form a black hole, and will never Supernova.)

9) I think Mikey makes up most of his scientific information. Black holes don't make anything even reminescent of an eclipse. In fact, they don't change the position of light at all. They perform what is known as a "Blue-Shift" on light, a kind of enhanced doppler effect, if you will, due to the gravitational pull, and that is how we can detect them, even though we cannot see them. It's really far easier just to nail their position dead-on by detecting the X-rays blown off of the event horizon.

Anyone person speaking publicly who gets their scientific information out of movies, instead of out of lecture hall, college classes, or speaking with professors is not simply deserving of a smartass award. They deserve a large-aluminum-baseball-bat-wedged-firmly-in-the-cranium award. If I've made any mistakes in the above, it'll show up on my Physics exam. But, at least I got it from a professor, and not from watching some shitty movie with a convoluted view of reality.

With great respect for the column host with the most,

~Algus

The sky was completely covered... no stars, no moon... They'd been running around the Veldt for almost four hours. Terra, her ribbon flowing in the wind, was carrying the heavy burden of the cursed shield by herself while keeping count of the battles she'd made... 238... so near the goal... Cyan wiped the blood off his sword, having just cleaved an army of pipsqueaks, and picked up the body of Sabin to carry him back to the airship. Gau was nowhere to be found and his leaping everywhere was no great help. They could see it in the distance, just next to the cave, the airship was waiting for them.

Suddenly, they heard this great bellowing in the skies. Cyan turned around just in time to see a great, white, blinding light surrounding him, ripping apart body and soul. Terra shrank in terror, seeing this great white dragon killing the only friend she had left with his most powerful spell. She pulled herself together, drew Ragnarok and plunged the sword in the dragon's belly. A flash of relief came to her when she saw her sword starting to glow red and emitting a great nuclear energy. The dragon shrieked in pain and started to pull back. She slumped on the ground, sheathed her sword and started to chant the spell that would bring her comrades back to life. She never heard the dragon coming back behind her... She only realized it was too late when the dragon's claws tore through her flesh...

Terra wakes up. She's a little shaken. The airship was stationned near Narshe and she was taking a break while the others were checking on the town.

"Must have been a dream..." she thought. The others came back, looking rather happy about the discoveries they'd made. Locke approached her and, looking rather amused, said :

"Look what this old geezer gave me! A cursed shield! Why would anyone want something like that!"

Only then did she realize that it was all too real...

This gaming horror story was based on a true story. Any resemblance to real life events is clearly not fortuitous. Please, don't try this at home.

Goglu, who now saves his game every five minutes

Well Andy, you asked for it so here it is. It's a picture of my personal guitar hero Jimmy Page, wailing away on his double neck, during the solo of "Stairway to Heaven", possibly the greatest song of all time, in my opinion. As you can see, he is wearing his famous Zoso-dragon suit, and the coolness factor of this picture is off the charts. I know you would prefer an R.E.M. picture, but you gotta agree with me that this is one awesome pic.[Unable to display image]

-Glad that his long and irrelevant rant got posted, Mikey B.

I only have one console gaming horror story to date, which means I'm either lucky or easy to please. :) And really, it's not even a horror story about the game..but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Many years ago, in the days of the NES, I got the Dragon Warrior 2 game for my birthday. It really wasn't all that bad a game, and I spent a good part of my summer vacation playing it. I finally made it to the end and defeated the main boss when my Mom (of course) called me for dinner. I turned off the game, leaving it in the console, figuring I could get back to it later that evening. As luck would have it, we had a thunderstorm that night, and a power surge completely fried the cart and the console, even though it was on a surge protector. So I have never seen the ending of the game.

-Foxfire

So we meet again, ak.
Or not. I don't remember.'

Anyways, you wanted some scary Halloween gaming stories? I don't know if this would qualify, being that it didn't really happen on Halloween, but what the hey? I'll do it anyway. And to get into the Halloween spirit (pardon the pun) i shall add in a few gratuitous sound effects to set the mood. Hust for you! Because ak, i think you're special.

It all began when i rented a Playstation from Hollywood Videos(aaaaack!!!) on vacation. I REALLY wanted to play Final Fantasy 7. But when i got it, *gasp! not only were the disks horribly dirty and scratched, but the playstation would not work! *da-da-DA-da!!! After repeated trips back to the accursed store *clomp clomp clomp* the only thing they could offer was a free week rental and more broken consoles. *shreak! Well, i made do and played and played and played. Many suns and moons passed. *woooooooo! But wait! The scariest part of this little tale is yet to come! (freaky organ music). My mom got so pissed at me, she vowed to never again let a playstation enter the house. *evil malicious laughter! *AAAAAAARRRRGHHH!!!!! Nooooo!!! And i didn't even get to finish the game! So whenever i pass Hollywood Videos, i curse the that wicked store with a passion, for they ruined my life! And to this very day, no one has ever seen a psx cross the threshold of the house on the hill.... *organ music! organ music up a half step!!*

THE END
~drew cosner's left shoe

ps-this probably won't get posted, but if it does, then i'll just have to say that i'm used to embarrassing myself.

Hi, AK!

I have a deeply important question, and I was hoping you could clear something up for me. You see, I'm a Cactrot. The lift isn't bad, aside from having to run from adventurers looking for me... but I was wondering.. there are these Cactaurs now.. and they LOOK like me... so I'm wondering.. am I a Cactaur? Are we the same thing, or are they my cousins, like alligators and crocodiles are? I'm really puzzled, and I hope you can help me out.

Thanks,
Yry

You want a RPG horror story? I gotta RPG horror story!!! I can't find Final Fantasy Anthology! Not only that, I don't have the money to buy Final Fantasy Anthology!! Plus, when I was trying to scrape together my pennies to get more money, I found a frickin' Canadian penny!!! That's right: a Canadian penny!!!(see how you like it...) And you're right, Tonberrys do suck. It's the Master Tonberrys in FF7 that are worth something.

The Big Loser

P.S. Post this or I'll start sacrificing moogles...

Hi Double Agent type person ^_^

I was reading your ever entertaining letters column and came across a gripe about Tonberry. I have found that if you use the spell Demi or summon Diablos, you can kill those Tonberry fellows before they get a chance to waddle over and stick you with their Chef's Knife. I must caution that this Demi/Diablos trick won't work on the King Tonberry, but just hit him with your strongest GFs and heal quickly and a winner is you! Heh heh… Now, that I've been all nice and helpful, I'd like to share a rather scary story with you. Not so much scary as shocking and not so much Halloweenish (although it did take place around that time) as amusing, but oh well. I have an urge to share with you.

One cold, rainy afternoon I was forced to take the bus home from school. Since my father said it was for losers, the insane, and the downright odd; I did not like this turn of events at all. But, who am I to deny the carpool mother a day off? (I'll never master HTML, Jommi.) Anyway, I devised a devious scheme. A scheme so diabolical, that no one would ever be the wiser. I got into the bus and said I was to be dropped off in front of the nearest videogame store.

The driver, a man who was seemingly intoxicated and had no socks or shoes on, agreed to this without a note or confirmation from a teacher. Happily, I sat in my seat and eventually he stopped by the local gaming store. Needless to say I wasn't a bright lass, for I forgot to devise a way to get home. No matter, I was happy in my element. I walked over to the store, through the rain without an umbrella. I pushed on the door...it didn't open. Silly me, I thought as I put my pack over both shoulders. I pulled on the door...it didn't open. Looking upward to start swearing at the gods, I noticed a sign that said something to the effect of 'Family Problems -- The store will be closed for the rest of the week.'

So, there I was. An elementary school kid with no way home, no videogames to gaze upon (or safe warm and dry store to sit in or call home from), and very little money (not to mention soaked). Of course, my tale doesn't end there, not by a long shot. I walked home and after about the sixth mile, my little legs started to ache. I spotted something out of the corner of my eye and, to my surprise, the bus have started to move! Heh heh… The real surprise was when it began to follow me! It was the same damn bus and driver. I panicked and started running. The bus sped up. I turned a corner, as did the bus. Fleeting thoughts of ditching my backpack entered my mind, but I decided to continue running instead of flinging my pack at the engine in hopes of causing the bus to explode in flames fed by homework assignments.

As I approached a fork in the road, I realized I had to cross over the street to get home. I ran across the street and heard the squealing of rusted brakes, followed by honking and yelling. Slowly (and in the middle of the street, I might add), I turned my head. There was the bus only a few yards from where I stood. My heart sank as I sulkily made my way towards the sidewalk. The bus rolled to a dead stop in front of me. The driver opened the door and told me to get in. I was reminded of what I was told death was like. The reaper picking up all the dead, forgotten souls on one big bus. Though this looked more like a one-way to hell.

Scary, no? At any rate, it turns out the driver stopped by my house and when I didn't get off, my father practically beat his face in and demanded he find me (he got home early, my luck continues…). After being reprimanded for deceiving the elderly (the guy was 50 something, give me a break!), loitering, and the like; I had come to a conclusion: Never get on a bus that has a (maybe it was his personality, but in my eyes…) drunk driver with no socks or shoes on. They'll rat you out or just drive you to your own personal torture chamber.

Oh, and the videogame twist to all this? Besides stopping in front of the closed store I mean... My parents informed me that they were going to buy me a videogame, but due to my actions decided against it. The true horror? I got in more trouble than a man who's stupid enough to let a little girl have a night on the town on word alone.

Happy Halloween to all the nifty GIA staff.
~ Serena a.k.a. 'Tifa, Tifar, Teefar, Teef, Tif, Tiff, 'Rena, or Renie'
A Member of the elite FFCX (Final Fantasy Club X, to be exact)

Hey AK, here's a doosie:

I went out and bought Xenogears from Babbages.

No, that's not the scary part, hear me out.

I bought it used because I did not yet, have a Playstation, but I was an ambitious lad and I would die trying to find a way to play it. My friend had a Playstation, so I went to his house and played it for a bit. I got up to 24 hours into the game...

And then it crapped out. The Playstation, I mean.

So then I get a playstation hand-me-down from my uncle. I had to start over on Xenogears because my friend was a stingy bastard and wouldn't lend me his memory card. I got 30 or so hours in, almost to Disc2 when...

My Playstation crapped out (We were both the lucky owners of CHP-1001 models, also known as the Limited Edition Piece-of-Crap Series).

Then Bleem! finally came out. So I started over AGAIN (not having a dex drive), completing the previous 30 hours of effort in a mere 12 (I already knew how to do everything) and working my way up to 40 hours--about halfway through Disc2. Then...

Bleem! froze. And continued to freeze. Version 1.5 came out. It still froze.

And to this day I still have not beat Xenogears.

Duhn Duhn Duuuuuuuhn!

~Nazhuret (The Accursed)

I don't buy it. If there are like, 12 guys to every girl, then why is it I don't have a boyfriend, huh?

--Uncreativity