Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. You're perfect; yes, it's true. But without me, you're only you. Don't say that I didn't warn you.

Are you ready for another column? Well, who am I to hold out on you? Have at it.

Mystic Quest could certainly be a challenging and mentally stimulating game. Assuming, of course, that you had first been involved in a nearly fatal automobile accident which had left you with only the lower three inches of your head and your cerebellum.

Had you fulfilled this requirement, you would also find that the music had a rather catchy beat to it. Unfortunately, the area of your brain responsible for the interpretation of music and your ears themselves would have long since been scraped from the dashboard and slid into a bio-hazardous waste disposal satchel long ago.

The last Final Fantasy you played was the first? You'd rather not waste your money on Final Fantasy VIII? You consider work and school to be more important than gaming? It's this exact attitude that will ensure countless more Barbie fashion "games" to be released in an attempt to appeal to the female market. I hope that you're content with yourself and what you've done.

Ah, this is the kind of letter that I like the see. The kind which I've encouraged by the creation of the Flamers' Corner, and by my own scurrilous tone. Sarcastically insulting the viewpoints of others in a subtle fashion; not bad, Steve. However, I should point out that the first paragraph serves as more of a detraction than a point which I would print a letter based upon. Referring to Gilgamesh in such a manner is akin to calling Albert Einstein "that guy with the screwed up hair who came up with that gay math problem." Gilgamesh is so much more. His THE MANliness transcends beyond the point of description by mere words. Those so entrenched in the semantics of life, such as yourself, can never hope to understand.

At any rate, this letter seems to be the sum of the opinions regarding Enix's return. You can only ignore your fan base so long before they look elsewhere, and only the most die-hard give any semblance of interest. At this point, Dragon Quest VII would have to be the video game equivalent of pure, unadulterated bliss for Enix to really pull their chestnuts out of the fire. Nobody did this to Enix but themselves.

However, I wouldn't mind seeing a few of the older DQ games on the GBC, and it seems that just about any GBC game sells like crack on the corner of a disreputable neighborhood, so it may not be such a bad move to do so on Enix's part.

And so, the lessons in Latin continue. Not only is Double Agent a frivolous waste of valuable time and entirely unentertaining, it's also educational. Whenever reading one of my columns, your head is filled with useless knowledge that will soon be forgotten or pushed to the wayside by the pondering of how to back Lara Croft into a corner so that you can stare at her pointed breasts.

If thinking is the measure of reality and existence, I'm merely a shadow that appears at random, only to once again flit off into the phantom world of ignorance. When staring blankly at a spot on the wall for hours, being sure to look as though you're doing something when your boss walks by, I can often be seen.

And so ends today's lesson. See, the dead language isn't entirely without use. It also comes in handy when trying to read the warning labels on pills from several millenia ago.

Well, I never realized that there was an actual explanation for that little phenomenon. I had assumed that it was something to be taken for granted; something that was meant for all of us to come up with asinine and ludicrous explanations of our own design for. Who would've guessed there was some reasoning behind it? Albeit rather screwed up reasoning. But hey, I've never been one to frown upon sordid logic, now have I?

If anybody out there would like to confirm or deny this, be my guest.

There's been a rumor floating about that even Final Fantasy IX, for the good ol' PSX, will be fully three dimensional. It's all just hearsay, but it would indicate that Square is tossing around the idea. And hey, the PS2 would be the perfect platform to implement such an idea on, as it's designed with high-end 3D gaming in mind.

As a matter of fact, to respond to your comment regarding CG quality, all reports indicate that with a little effort, the PS2 is capable of in-game graphics rivaling the FMV in games such as FFVIII. Although playable FMV would be impossible as it is, by its definition, pre-rendered, it's entirely plausible that a FF created for the PS2 would be as visually impressive as such.

As for the other items on your wish list - we'll just have to wait and see, now won't we? Do you get tired of hearing that very line? Does the very utterance of it incite you to hurl a brick through the nearest window? Well, don't just take it lying down! Get to work on the creation of your own time machine. Not only would the power to create universe-decimating paradoxes be within your reach had you such a fantastic device, but you'd also be fully aware of everything that was to happen in the future.

Sure, you would probably screw up the timeline so badly that the present as we know it would cease to exist, or you'd wind up horrified of the prospects that the future holds, resulting in you devoting your life to altering the course of history to prevent such a wretched destiny, but isn't all of that just a small price to pay in order to know what Final Fantasy X will be like?

And to answer your question directed at me, personally; my translations beefs are simple, really. There's only two things that bug me. I dislike it when the translation is obviously rushed, and as such it is riddled with grammatical and spelling syntactical. And secondly, I don't like it when a joke that may have made perfect sense to the Japanese is left in the North American version despite making absolutely no sense at all to Western players. That's just plain laziness. And those are my rather pompous opinions. That will teach you to ask me what I think.

Okay, joking aside. Suffice to say that this week has been a real bitch. However, I've done what I could to be sure that there's no more holes in the archives. I'm tired of that, and I'm quite sure that you readers are as well. When you're a super hero, international spy for the secret and militant underground communist uber-government, and the official school hit man for your university, things can get a bit busy. But don't worry, I've given up the last job as the police were on to me. Thanks in no part to the mishap of my partner, who is morbidly lacking in coordination and general mastery of his motor skills, I should add.

At any rate, you may notice my new organization for the column. In addition to updating the archives, I've also added a new section. Rather than linking to the Nickname Generator, there's now the "Gizmos" section, which has all of the games and other shit that I've made. Conversely, you can browse through all of the pictures which have appeared in past columns, as well. Now you can see Bob the Nihilistic Fish and the Cursing Carebear whenever you so desire. Is this a great time to be alive, or what?

Closing Comments

That big stud Andrew will be in next to clean up the mess that I always manage to create. So, be a good denizen and send him a letter or two. And for God's sake, don't stick used gum underneath your desks; he complains incessantly about having to clean that up.

-Drew Cosner, The manly chickenwuss