Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Wait right here. I'll be back with nitris oxide. Don't say we didn't warn you.

You might have known St. Patrick's Day was a big deal for me; my name couldn't get any greener unless I wed the president of Working Designs ... and then it'd just be redundant. Yet beyond partaking of my mother's ritual pair of corned beefs (beeves?), and forcibly removing the withered remains of the meadow shamrock that came over on the boat with some ancestor of mine from my senile grandmother's negligent custody, this year I did nothing in celebration. Didn't ingest anything saturated with green food coloring, didn't buy into Guinness' anti-green food coloring advertising campaign, didn't put on the Lord of the Dance video and tip the RV over miming Michael Flatley. No -- I got only mildly drunk and watched half a film about retards in love.

It seems to me that holidays exist to make us feel remorseful and inadquate over the ways in which we observe them, and I can't help but feel that a gaming holiday, while arguably just as significant as yesterday's celebration of metaphors for killing pagans and public intoxication, would pass me by each year in the fashion of any other holiday -- or, for that matter, any other, ordinary, day. I'd sleep in, later than I intended, awake with plans of coming out of the festivites in store with something salvageably memorable, then end up doing nothing whatsoever save, perhaps, pick at some SNES save to the exclusion of all worthwhile pursuits.

...

On second thought, we're already honoring at least four gaming holidays a year. Unless of course we're Jehovah's Witnesses. But that, as they say, is a whole 'nother rant.

Let's go.

Mock chocobo

Hah! Woah man, this would be too good. Nothing this great could happen. But, in honor of the topic, here goes: The day would start off with an announcement on TV. It would explain the events of the day, and of how all schools and work places were closed. People would get up, eat, get dressed in their favorite DBZ and home made Final Fantasy shirts, and get ready for the excitement that is GAME WEEK! A week long holiday of video gaming fun. Wow. Anyway, each day would have it's own seperate festivities. In every city, different parts would be designated for events of different games. You've got your sports complexes for sports games fans, your destroyed city block (obviously not actually destroyed) for your action gamers and your survival-horror gamers when the night comes, your race tracks and souped up cars for the racing game fans, and your beaches, lush fields, future styled city block, and forest clearings for the RPG fans. Each day, the games change in the respective areas, so that everyone (almost everyone, anyway) is happy. Except, Friday is completely devoted to Final Fantasy. The RPG areas are used, along with every other part of the respective city. They race horses dressed up like chocobos on the tracks, and (unsuccesfully, but its a fantasy anyway) the sports stadiums are filled with water for many exciting games of blitzball. And, to end the FF events, people gather in the center of the city with their girlfriends and wives (and if they dont have one, they will after this, since this is the romance scene) for a most beautifull firework show with a soothing version of the prelude music playing in the background. Ah, what a week it would be, indeed... ~Frankie Catena, who would like to see and laugh at a group of retarded construction and sewer workers trying to fill up a stadium with water. "Get on it boys." "But boss, it's near impossible to do that..." "::Hmm...he's right...::..... Snickers bars for whoever does it first!" "Ahha! Lunch! Right on it!"

I think we should just go the easy route and trick ostriches out like chocobos. Beyond the obvious advantage of them already being conveniently on-hand after Tuesday's Joust tourney, the only horses I can think of that could convincingly be disguised as chocobos are those spine-trailing horse portions from Castlevania, and I can't imagine anyone particularly wanting to remove the posterior halves of living animals in order to make some for the occasion -- the world is littered with enough horses' asses, already.

The sexy slither of a lady slime

St. Patrick had his snakes, so we gamers need a Slime-Whacking Day. Everyone in the neighborhood hands their riches over to the individual with the largest beer gut (the 'Metal Slime'), who is then given a ten-minute headstart. Then the neighborhood (now the 'Party') arm themselves with clubs to track down and beat the Metal Slime within an inch of his life and then arbitrarily let him escape. This repeats until sundown, where everybody goes home poor and the Metal Slime puts his newfound wealth into expanding his beer gut (and possibly medical bills). And the tradition will continue, for since the Slime always runs away before he dies, nobody learns anything from the experience. SonicPanda

There's just one flaw in this otherwise shining pinnacle of plans:

Metal Slimes don't carry all that much cash. In fact if I remember rightly, in the most recent DQ they give you some piddling pittance in the area of 65 gold. So why the hell should some fat bastard get everybody's money and escape with his life? It just wouldn't be fair, by any stretch of the word.

Sounds like it might star Vin Diesel....

Dear no sorry ass intro, Sweet and to the point no bs--u give me a topic i give u the answer My gaming holiday---constant flow of beer, tournaments of Star Craft, SSBM, C&C, and DOA 1 2 and 3---hot strippers going to the winner---the tough thumb contest (to see how much of a calice you have we lite it on fire and see who screams in pain first)---serious rock music playing all day and night---more beer and more girls---and when everyone looks like they are done for the night----bust out the ultimate tournament game---Mortal Kombat 1---tournament winner gets 5 bucks---there im done Homer is god along with Bahamut and Mr Saturn ---Dragonius, Emperor of the Confederacy of Man located on Planet Bob

While I have no immediate objection to there being hot strippers on hand for this extravaganza, I fail to see what's it in for me if -- or, more like, when -- I pummel several competitors present into a succulent puddle of gore and tender cutlets.

How about rather than playing for hookers, we play for favors? Then any and all heterosexual women and homosexual men present could reap the benefits of the ludicrous guy to girl gamer ratio for a change.

Yes, have some

Drew - Ever wonder why if people are so sick of Square betraying the FF series, they don't just stop buying the games? Oh well. Let's see, a gaming holiday... It would be an annual commemoration of the first time Working Designs ever released a game on schedule. Everyone would be forced into speaking either Olde English or Zero Wing Speak. 1337 would be banned. The main tradition of the holiday though would be to walk boldly into a few (at least three) houses of people you have never met before and take one item form each. It can be anything. And no one can stop you. And everyone in the country would be doing it. It would be like a surprise Christmas. Businesses and places of worship, as well as any volunteer service buildings, would be excluded for practical purposes, but the employees/volunteers/worshipees thereof would still participate. Peace, Ray Stryker...man I'm tired...

I can't even fathom the effect this could have on the economy.... and I'm inclined to wonder.... if everyone took something from everyone else.... would you end up with people hoarding one or more types of item...? Or would things more or less balance themselves out...?

I guess we'll never know for certain unless we implement the holiday and find out.

Relp me, Riggy!

Sir Cosner of Drew, What in the world? A video game holiday? Wow, cool, I get to think up of tons of worthless crap! Well, it is not really worthless crap, but it seems like "crap" nevertheless. Why? I don't know, I guess I feel like using the word "crap", because it sounds sort of funny today. First off, for the official video game holiday, I'd hold it on Shigeru Miyamoto's birthday. We'd call it International Shiggy Day, and play all different sorts of games. Every major electronics store will have a series of video game tournaments for every cool multiplayer game around, and the winners get lots of cash to spend on more video games or they win a new HDTV or entertainment center. There will also be game designers on hand to show off all of their new games, for people to play and test them, and also to offer the young dudes a talk on designing video games and how it is done. Major celebrities would appear all across the country to promote Shiggy Day, and they'd get into the games. ~Chris

And seeing as how games so masterfully promote violence, a day of such widespread total immersion in their evils could only result in a Biblical bloodbath upon the following morn, which, I'd estimate, would knock off at least a third of any given country's citizens, making Shiggy Day not only a fun-filled festival for all, but an effective means of population control.

Capital punishment

Drew: Ah, a holiday completely devoted to gaming, the ultimate geek dream. If there was such a day, there is only one tradition I would set: forcing all of the people in our federal prisons to play the absolute worst game released in the last year for the entire day, with it being broadcast on local TV so that we could see the reactions of all of our friendly local felons wanting to burn their own eyes out. -Lepant

I could pontificate at length here about televising such workings of the penal system being in questionable taste, or, even more predictably, debate that what you're proposing neatly falls into the category of "cruel and unusual."

But they don't pay me to state the obvious; in fact, they don't pay me to do anything. So you should be happy with whatever you get.

Pass the potion

Free mushrooms and "Red Potion" I feel no need to expound. ~El Cid (NOT of FF fame, dang-nabit)

Nor should you have to ... and nor should I.

Rin's Day

Princess Peach, If I could make my own little gaming holiday, I would name it after a bad-ass minor NPC character--"Rin's Day." On these days, we would each do what said NPC does whenever you meet him/her. In Rin's case, we would charge money during inappropriate times; "I'm sorry ma'am, but if you want us to drive this here ambulance to the hospital so you can have that baby of yours, we're gonna need 200 gil." Also, Drew, if you're reading this: wiping yourself with sandpaper feel much better than you'd expect. Don't ask me how I know this. -Lee, eating prunes.

Toma Levine day could thus promote tooth decay, and Apple Kid, slovenly disregard for hygiene.

The agenda

Well it would start at 5 AM by ritually wearing black mage costumes and running into Joseph Lieberman's Bedroom screaming at the top of our lungs and displaying violent video game scenes in every available medium (printed on paper, displayed on TV, maybe some resident evil music playing on a boom box, and a fake bloodied zombie corpse) After the great terror that would surely ensue, we would all say a collective prayer to the Gods of Video Gaming asking for a good harvest of RPGs and protection from the horrible curse of lackluster games. At approximately 12 Noon we would all dust off our old systems and play them as a sign of honor for the past elders of Gaming. After an hour and a half of teary-eyed recollection we would don our Holy suits (a display of any Video game archetype or hero we wish) and head to a designated Gaming Guru's house, where the guru would read passages from various gaming magazines and instruction booklets. After the reading, the gamers would separate into sects based on their interests and abilities. First person shooters would get involved in local fragfests where the victor is haled as their supreme ruler for the day, and those who were lost in the carnage are happily remember as they are now in FPS Valhalla. The RPG clan would go off and Play selected parts from Various Square games (an example being Aeris' death) and then get involved in the most readily accessible MMORPG such as everquest or DAoC. Sports gamers would meet up for some... um... well whatever they play, and then commence with a tournament in Super Mario Kart. Survival Horror Fanatics would make a shrine for the successes of their Genre, and have a bonfire for the Multitude of Shabby Failures. In Japan the Dating Simulator fanboys would all leave their homes for the first time and hurriedly head to a pre-decided area where they could have real human interaction for exactly 3 hours before heading back into their lairs to do whatever dark deeds are commissioned behind closed doors (Yech…). Rhythm and music gamers would meet up in local clubs as punked out as they can make themselves and participate in one of many Dance Dance Revolution, Um Jammer Lammy, or Guitar Freaks Venues set up and try to impress the "Hot Gaming Girls" that will so obviously show up (since I can't get italics, I'll just note that obviously was sarcastic) The Puzzle freaks will get together and try to stump each other with mindlessly difficult trivia, while others play various forms of Tetris on their gameboys, or bust a move on consoles. The fighting Adepts will set up complicated Street fighter tournaments, which will lead into Tekken Tournaments, which will lead into Super Smash Brothers melee tournaments which will determine who is truly the "Jesus of Cool" for the Fighters. Finally all the edutainment fans... oh wait never mind that one. After Each Sect has congregated and made merry, feasting on gross and un-decipherable tasting otaku candy, and fast food everyone will return to their homes. They will then say a final prayer to the Gods of Gaming and fall asleep to Video Game music.

Detailed timetable printouts available.

Just, you know, rubbish

Hey Drew I'm implementing the Free Games For Jodi day. It's every friday. I magically get any game released that day for free. Funnily enough... most games are released on fridays, or at least shipped on fridays. Cunning that... Or maybe it's "Give Gamers A Chance Day." In the video shop where I work, we just moved the playstation games. You wouldn't believe the amount of people who came up to me and said "I'm so glad you got rid of those hirrible computer games" I generally reply "We didn't. They're over there in the corner. "Oh, that's a pity" "Why? What's wrong with computer games?" "Well... they're just, you know, rubbish." "No, they're not. They're a virtually limitless form of interactive entertainment enjoyed by those intellectually capable enough to harvest their pleasures. Besides, have you ever played one?" "Of course not!" "Well then, my point's proven." This usually leads to the customer storming out, muttering something about Pokemon and Lara Croft. Ah well.... I guess if it keeps it a niche hobby, it's gotta be worth it. On a completely different note, I just got the PAL version of Metal Gear Solid 2, and I want to applaud Konami for actually bothering to do a beautiful conversion of a spectacular game. I'm getting Ico next week, when it's released, so I'm hoping that'll live up to my expectations too. Also, to anyone wondering, European Extreme difficulty mode is ROCK hard. Magnakai

Strongly anti-video game sentiments from the UK and the rest of the PAL community should be no surprise to anyone who's seen this.

And don't think you can bluff your way along without actually clicking the link and reading the article if you haven't already -- there'll be a quiz on the morrow:

Closing Comments:

A quiz replete with difficult essay questions. Think Acclaim's bypassed their good taste inhibitor -- or blown it completely? How could a stunt like this affect the public's already murky perception of the industry?

I'll be here. I usually am.

- Erin Mehlos