Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. My bowels are stiff. Don't say we didn't warn you.

You know you have no culinary inclination when you can screw up kettle corn.

It looked simple enough; I'd seen it prepared a dozen times. But between living with an Italian roommate who insists that any cooking oil on hand be olive and not quite knowing the tablespoons of kernels:giant-ass Rubbermaid mixing bowls full of popcorn ratio ... a lot found room to go wrong. And while eating the blackened concotion that resulted may have been just deserts for me, my dissatisfaction forced me to attempt the process anew.

Not that it made a difference.

Let's go.

Misnomer (Suiko II spoilers)

Erin, I was a good fifteen hours, I believe, into Suikoden II. The game was moving at a good clip and I thought I'd be done in about 10 playing hours. Earlier in my gaming, I had been asked to name my army, the army that would fight against the Highland army. At the time, though, I didn't know it was called the Highland army. And of course, being ever so patriotic, my silly silly character (well, ME, I suppose) opted to name his army... uhm... Highland. "Sir, the Highland army approaches." "The Highland army will be able to withstand the Highland army." "Highland army? Highland army." ... or something like that. Sounds like an episode of Seinfeld. "Salsa? Salsa? Where's the Salsa?!" Needless to say, I had to retire the game and sadly, I have not been able to get back into it since. Sigh. I'm sad. Hold me. - Purple Monkey Dishwasher

I can't honestly fathom doing something like this accidentally -- it's like randomly deciding to rename Cloud "Rufus" because you'd just seen Bill & Ted.

You deserve to be held, sir, but alas, not by me. I was warned never to become too closely involved with readers -- it'd only be that much harder to hand them over the appropriate authorities.

I left my heart in Funcoland

FFVII, the bane of relationships everywhere. I originally bought the game with no Strat. Guide, which was a long honored tradition for me (Earthbound being the one exception, as it had one included) and proudly took it home, shit-eating grin tacked firmly on my face. After about thirty hours into it, a visiting friend informed me (after he payed the toll in Taco Bell foodstuffs) that I'd missed a 'shitload of stuff', not the smallest load being Yuffie and Vincent. Not being one to let hygeine and vitamin deficiency bring me down, I started over and eventualy found a 'shitload of stuff', including Yuffie and Vincent. Before I continue let me mention that I kept a whole memory card for FFVII saves, each slot representing about two to three hours of progress. Not more than two days later that same friend came a visitin' (this time with a Burger Thing toll) to inform me I'd missed the Gold Chocobo, and so would miss Knights of the Round. Grrr. Blahblahblah I went back and did all that and got the summon. Then Aeris died. I wasn't crying (I've seen others do this), but I was devistated on an emotional level. So I went to work. Fuck-o-Land. I wasn't very motivated, so instead of selling cleaners and magazine subs I spent the time plotting revenge on Sephiroth, think how many times I'd cast my new summon on him, then make the remains into a spicy sausage (with red peppers) and make Barret eat it. During my non-commision making ordeal thingy I had failed to notice a crowd gather around a PSX equipped TV set. The store manager had allowed some dickhead to hookup FFVII and his memory card up, AND WAS BEATING THE FUCKING GAME!!! Goddammit. I tried to run but the damage had already been dealt, and in only a few short seconds my future with RPG games was soured considerably; I'd lost my RPG soul. To this day I cannot finish a RPG, and I bought damn near every one since FFVII. Can I get a hug or something? perth - countin' the days...

What is with you guys and the hugs tonight...? I never realized you were so clingy.

While not strictly on topic, that is pretty rough, though, yeah.

Too slow on the draw (FFVIII spoilers if some freak of nature isn't already acquainted with the game)

Purveyor of letter-based letters, I think people somewhere have a saying "haste makes waste." While I generally believe this to be a bunch of dook, I do believe the joys of killing things in one hit can cloud one's mind. This was true for me four-odd years ago playing Final Fantasy VIII. You see, I was not even past the second disc of that godforsaken game, but Squall was already at level 100, and everyone else was sittin' pretty in the 70's. So, with all these titilatingly powerful characters, I challenged Seifer and Edea. Seifer went down in two hits. I laughed like I was watching Jim Norton, and was on the good side of an emotional high. Next came Edea, she too went down needlessly quickly. Cue cutscenes, bla bla bla. And then it hit me. I forgot to draw out Alexander. That meant no Doom Train. That meant me quickly going from the wonderful high to the screeching emotional low. I believe I was comatose for a little while. Anyway, long story a little shorter, never played the game again. Exhaust Piper, hoping that the next time Superman dies, 16 Superwomen will rise in his place.

If I'm not mistaken, saving frequently is a cardinal rule of RPG-playing....

Ultimate piss-off (FFT, FFIX spoilers)

Erin: When I was a kid, I was anal-retentive about just about everything -- games included. Let's put it this way: I beat the original Zelda more than 300 times, each time trying to play the 'perfect game.' I DID play the perfect game, just once. I beat both quests, without getting HIT, in two hours and fifty-eight minutes. That's not bad, is it? I got over my tendency to play games in such a way, long ago. However, this isn't about me. This is about this one scary fact. Namely, how I know not a single person -- myself excluded -- who has beaten Final Fantasy Tactics. My friend Keith, whom I met during my third year at Indiana University, introduced himself to me as a person who was still in the middle of Final Fantasy Tactics. I'd beaten it several months prior to meeting Keith. In the last three years, I've seen Keith play and restart Final Fantasy Tactics more times than my little brother bought a Pokemon title. His reason for restarting is always the same: he missed Ultima. It hardly seems to occur to Keith that he can save it before the first chance to get Ultima, and just keep trying. He prefers to play each battle once, trying to get Ultima at each opportunity. If he misses it that last time, he starts over. I can't really say why that is. My other friend gets fifty hours into the game, and starts over. Usually, his reasons for starting over involve his having saved the game after forgetting to steal a helmet/accessory/armor/weapon from a boss. Another friend of mine bought a strategy guide, and he doesn't look at it until after he's saved the game after each battle. When he does this, he notices hidden items he COULD have picked up, and at some point he always ends up restarting. I can't believe these people. Maybe they'll finally beat the game when it's released on GBA? I'm guessing there'll be no FMV ending this time. Hey, what if FFT for GBA connects to FFT2 for GC? Wouldn't that kick ass? For the record, I beat the game in forty-something hours. My Ramza's on level 79, knows Ultima, is a master of every class (even Calculator!) and attacks with an Excalibur and a Rune Blade. And I didn't get hung up once. Was I just lucky? --tim rogers, in a place where someone's always moving furniture, somewhere

For what it's worth ... I've finished FFT. Twice, in fact -- although without the benefit of Ultima.

Considering it's not of ungodly power or importance or anything, and moreover, considering that I was muddling through without the aid of a walkthrough and still managed to get Cloud (although Cloud crippled by lack of a weapon), I'm satisfied enough with my efforts not to sweat learning a minor magic or stealing whatevr Genji codpiece a boss may have had on his or her person.

Not so in the case of FFIX.

Ozma gave me more trouble than I've ever had with an optional boss in my entire gaming career, and I'm including both (I'd say all three but that last one -- I'm sorry -- was below feeble) Omega Weapons and Shinryu, here. Ozma was my ultimate nemesis, and I'll tell you why.

The bastard has an assload of invaluable items. If I didn't steal at least three, I couldn't live with myself.

But Zidane, one of the lousiest thieves in FF history, was evidently unburdened by such guilt, and after he'd invariably wasted eight or more turns attempting to lift the full spectrum of goodies Ozma had to offer, my party was unrecoverably dead.

Except for one time: Zidane still hard at work, fruitlessly trying to pilfer me a spare Robe of Lords, Steiner and Eiko successfully pushed his spherical majesty from this mortail coil. Accidentally. Prematurely.

How it pained me to reset and fight those additional seven battles....

In days of old when, when gamers were bold / And time was not an issue

Aborted quests? I once started Xenogears over from right after Zeboim, what I estimate to be at least 30 hours into the game. The reason? I read that there were some items in the Lahan well that you couldn't get any other way, and that you could also win a Rock Paper Scissors badge from a guy in one of the houses. I then played a good 60 hours my second time around to finally finish the game, with all the sidequests completed and rare items acquired. And the worst part of it? Even after playing all the way through, I couldn't stand the game. I sure miss the days when I had the time to finish 60+ hour games I didn't even like. -Arpad

I do, too. If you can even contort your mind into the pretzel necessary to conceive of such a thing ... there was a time when I began a new Beyond the Beyond quest because I failed to get Percy that second time.

Those were the days, eh?

To the hill with you

Erin, Oh god, this topic just strikes me perfectly. A few years ago, my friend at the time told me that at the end of school we should try to beat Beyond the Beyond, just to say that we could do it. I had heard that BtB was the antichrist, even without having the internet at the time, but I agreed. So for THREE DAYS STRAIGHT we sat infront of a tv playing that god awful game. We got to the final dungeon, got stuck on a puzzle, and collectively said fuck it. We turned off the PSX, popped the lid open, and went outside. My friend lived on the top of a hill, so we sent the godawful game to a great demise to the bottom of the hill, where it shattered into many peices, only to be run over by a car. Now that is some great justice. --Nameles

Yes, but ... before you meted out this poetic justice, did you get Percy back?

Some people really ought to be born color blind

ERIN : Okay, this is probably not going to be "hardcore" enough to compete with some of the stories that are bound to come in, but maybe I'll get points for originality. I've always been one of those "perfect game" people that likes to have all of the characters equipped with all of the best stuff and get all the spells, etc. As an example I maxed out my Chrono Trigger characters' stats by playing the game over and over. I collected all of the monsters in the first Dragon Warrior Monsters. That took me over 110 hours. I even got all the cards in FFVIII (muthafr..gn..p..ce..grmmble...) But back in the NES days I felt compelled to do something pretty weird. In the Legend of Zelda (and many games like it that would follow) you had your three save slots in a vertical column, each with Link's dashing icon on the side. One day I decided that I should have one save file for each color of Link. Why? Who the hell knows--I am an arteest after all. My top file was already at the end of the game (with all of the equipment/maxed out bombs and rupees) so he was red from the Red Ring. So a made two new save files. I left the bottom one alone, because he was already green, and then started up the middle file with the sole purpose of purchasing a Blue Ring to make him blue. Of course that costs 250 rupees when you can only hold 255 and get either one or five at a time. After killing ropers for I-don't-know-how-long I bought the ring and admired my handiwork. It was a beautiful thing. Stupid, but beautiful. : EL CACTUAR

If that's what it takes to be an artist, I want out of the ViComm program.

A fresh start

Erin - Starting the whole game over, erasing dozens of hours of progress? I used to do that, only it wasn't because of anal-retentiveness. For whatever reason I always loved to replay games as a kid (and still do), to the point where I get cravings to replay the beginning of a game before I've even finished it. My first serious RPG experience was with Secret Of Mana, which took me three months to beat, mostly because I played the first half of the game and then restarted twice. My next game was FFIIUS, in which I made a habit of starting from the beginning every weekend and playing until I got somewhere new; I did that at least three or four times. I lost count of how many times I played through the first seven hours or so of FFVI. That has its own story. I was stuck for a long time in the tower in Zozo - just never thought to look for the invisibile staircase behind the counter. When I couldn't take it anymore, I'd start the whole game over, to at least enjoy the part I could reach. Then, of course, once I'd finally moved on I restarted about halfway through the game as well. It wasn't until Xenogears that I played a game all the way through without starting from the beginning halfway through. Nowadays that's what I tend to do... but I usually take a break about halfway into the game when I get the urge to replay a different game beginning-to-end. -Toma Levine, none of whose three previous attempts to discuss replaying in the DA column have made the cut

This is actually more or less how I played the first two Oddworlds. A puzzle would prove difficult and I'd conveniently decide I must surely have missed a few Mudokens earlier on and start the game anew.

Not surprisingly, I didn't beat either until a couple years after their respective releases, but damned if I haven't perfected the first few stages of each.

There comes a point when we must move on....

Closing Comments:

Cozy's back tomorrow, Drewids, so let's welcome him with the infinite possibilities of a free topic day.

- Erin Mehlos