Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. KITTY WAVE AT ME! Don't say we didn't warn you.

Many of tonight's epic quests for sought-after titles recall an era pre-eBay, and moreover force me to realize the sad truth of the matter: we have gone soft, people.

A half-million years ago, I made the grievous error of missing FF II(IV)'s initial release. I had my feeble excuses at the time -- not yet owning an SNES, etc. -- but Christ, did it result in the game being nigh impossible for me to get my mits on.

When I finally got an SNES and rented FF II at a Blockbuster, nine months or so had already elapsed since the game's release, and as you might guess, the pedestrian electronics outlets in my area (at the time K-Mart and ShopKo -- Wal-Mart hadn't even come to town yet) had already discontinued carrying it. So it was up to me to track it down secondhand in Podunk, US of A, where the closest retailer of used games was around 20 miles further than I was prepared to ride the single-speed pink bike my parents hadn't yet done me the kindness of upgrading.

I won't go into absurd detail about just how many places I called looking for FF II -- but I would like to brielfly interject that it was during this quest I encountered the -- believe it -- stupidest electronics department clerk in recorded history. This gum-smacking teenage girl may have been 4 or 5 years my senior, but I had at least 40 or 50 IQ points on her. When I asked for "Final Fantasy" she told me to hang on and left me on hold for around 8 minutes, whereupon she came back to happily report: "Final Fight? Yeah, we have it."

"No, not Final Fight" -- stupid broad -- "Final Fantasy."

"Oh. Hang on."

Three minutes pass, and finally she returns.

"What did you say it was -- Fatal Fury or Fatal Fairies?"

God.

After undergoing a score or so of these ordeals, I gave up. FF and me ... we just weren't destined to be.

And then one summer afternoon in an adjacent burg, as I was taking payment for a recent hit (all right, so I was babysitting my uncle's kids ... same shit) I mentioned my quest, and he mentioned that the Little Vittles convenience store a few miles down the road had a lean rack of used games.

I scuttled down the road.

A few ride offers from strangers with chocolate later, I opened the convenience store door with hope, and inside found.... (duh) FF II -- Priced at $19.99: a penny less than what I'd just collected from my latest hire.

Damn sales tax to hell; I was thwarted again.

Or was I....? In my wallet was a stray dollar, left over from whatever frivolous thing I'd blown my mean earnings on last.

FF II and my penny in change firmly in hand, I ambled off home.

Looking back, it's no wonder we all bitch these days about games not being quite what they used to. When each title was a swift and cunning fox unto itself, we savored games not only for their intrinsic merits, but for the trophies of the hunt they were.

My insanely tangential reminiscence done and over with, let's go....

The not-sos

Agent, Well, I've gotten a lot of video games in my lifetime. Some that were painless and effortless to get, and others, not so. I think I'll list some of my "not sos" here. Final Fantasy X. My goodness, I almost thought I wouldn't get it on the first day (December 18th). I had it preordered, and yet, when I called the store around noonish, they said that their truck had been stopped somewhere and that they weren't expecting to get it in unless they could beg, borrow, and plead from other Babbages stores. They also said they would call the preorders IF they could get some. Needless to say, they didn't. Luckily, I called them back again right after they had gotten some. A long drive later, I was ever so happy. Another time, my husband and I drove around town looking for Lufia : The Legend Returns. We must have went to 10 different stores before finding a copy. Same with Dragon Warrior VII. Then there was the time that I biked over 100 city blocks to get Lunar : Silver Star Story Complete. And finally, the infamous story of how I was half an hour late to my own wedding because I was picking up Final Fantasy Anthology. I consider myself pretty dedicated, but I just know somebody's going to have better, more dangerously fraught with human injury stories than mine. They always do. ~arc

Indeed, arc, how can our mortal misadventures begin to compare with such tales of avarice as those involving ninja....

You must tell me where the toilet is being

-Double Agent- The strangest incident I've had buying a game was when I went to the mall, thinking I would walk out with a shiny copy of Final Fantasy X. Yeah right. As soon as walked in I could tell things were going to be totally nutty. All these little kids were in line to sit on this big fat guy's lap and talk to him. There was some sort of penguin show at the pet store...there was even this Iranian family that kept asking where the toilet was. "Where is the toilet!? You must tell where the toilet is being!" So my brother and I were walking to the Babbage's when we saw some odd little people. There were these midgets sitting around holding up these signs about a discount at the shoe store... We kept on walking - Babbage's was right around the corner. We had finally made it to Babbage's, and of course there was only one copy left. Me and my brother ran over and grabbed it, it was ours. We went to the cashier, but he was on the phone with his girlfriend or something. While we were waiting some freaky goth dude came up to us and said, "Hey, um, is that like the last copy of FFX?" We weren't in the mood to deal with this guy.... "No," we lied. "there are some more in the book store on the other side of the mall." He left, thankfully. We bought the game and went on our way. As we finally walked out, the oddest part happens...the entire Babbage's building exploded! My brother and I thought this was the coolest thing we had ever seen. Then out of nowhere these ninja dudes jumped from behind some pillars and threatened to kick our asses with swords. The biggest and meanest one screamed with an Japanese accent, "Give us the copy of FFX if you value your lives!" We were in no mood to take anybody's crap. We got in fight position, ready to kick ass if the oppurtunity arrived. The ninjas drew there swords and made high pitch yipping noises. We got out our fists. We kicked there asses(of course) and tied them up with some rope we found near the tanning salon. The head ninja turned out to be that goth dude, he was pissed because of the whole book store thing. Turns out that he was a ninja! We left him there. When we exited we heard him inside screaming,"I'll get you next time....NEXT TIME!!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!" -Mutant SkyRocket

I dunno. Something about this story doesn't sit well with me....

Wait a minute! Babbage's employees don't have girlfriends...! Pergury! Get him!

Random acts of God

Erin, slayer of 1337-sp33k3rs, I can't really call my story anything strange, but something horribly aggravating that just would not stop. My story is of an RPG, and my wish to own it, and the bizarre acts of God and Working Designs that kept it out of my hands... It is, of course, the story of Lunar 2: Eternal Blue Complete. It was meant to be my early birthday present (in July), it ended up as a Christmas present. I should hardly have to recap the monstrous delays for this game, but I will anyway, as they were the foundation of my pain--the typical WD delays, the MORE than typical WD delays, and, (seemingly) finally, the Chicago snowstorm that kept it out of the local EB where my preorder record sat. But that wasn't enough. I never owned the Sega CD system, I never played the original Lunar 2, and I was damn sick of waiting for this game. But God just had to screw with me a little bit more... I got the phone call. I jumped for joy. I could practically feel the sexxxxxxxxxxy packaging in my hot little hands. I raced to the car...only to find that it would not start. And that it was leaking every possible fluid onto the asphalt. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! As it was Christmas time, all of my friends (certainly all the ones with cars) were at home with their families, leaving me without a free ride. With no money, no car, and no public transportation, and with the mall beyond walking distance...God. Was. Punishing. Me. I ended up waiting over a week for my friends to trickle back into town so I could get a ride to the mall. And, like I wasn't already convinced that the powers-at-be didn't want me to own Lunar 2, I tripped over my own feet right at the entrance to EB, with the copies of my precious Lunar 2 stacked just out of reach inside. The final slap in the face. God smirking at me and saying "How do ya like them apples?" I grabbed my paid-for copy of the game and got out of the mall and back home as fast as I could, before I was struck by lightning or mugged by some desperate Lunar fan. You never know... Michiru, who's taking out a life insurance policy before going to pick up the Arc the Lad Collection...

This is why it behooves us all to acquire a basic working knowledge of automobiles -- there are bound to be such times of dire emergency, when the cellphone is dead and help unreachable, where knowing how to replace an alternator or drop a transmission could mean the difference between ... playing Lunar now, and playing Lunar later.

A tale of passage into manhood

Hi Erin, I'm certain that other people have much crazier stories about how they obtained their prized, first-day PS2, but I think mine is special because it was the first time I've really ever done anything remotely insane to get a game or game system. I sat outside in the freezing cold, with about thirty other people, waiting to get into the Wal-Mart when it opened at 6:00 the next morning. Sometime around 4:00 a.m., the manager (who was also sitting with us, biding his time as well) starts getting calls from his supervisor. The store manager is telling him that, since there aren't enough systems to go around, something will have to be done about the extra people freezing their asses off for nothing. Now I and my friend, who were about eighth in line, had no problems, as they had twenty-five systems and we were sure that we would get what we came for. But I underestimated the collective pooling of hatred that everyone towards the back of the line would soon be thrusting right in the poor manager's direction. He tried to tell everyone to stay calm and that he would work something out, but before I knew it, the whole line, including everybody in the front, was cussing and rebelling against the giant that is Wal-Mart. We'd gone from civilized crazy people to cannibalistic gamers, ready to sink our teeth into any who opposed us. As 6:00 rolled around, it was revealed to us that the systems would be set up somewhere and that we would just have to grab one and make for the checkout. My blood started pumping, and as soon as the doors swung open, I realized that my sadly underdeveloped athletic skills would be put to the test here. I rounded the corner of the entranceway, and there they were: arranged like dominoes in the middle of the aisle! I poured it on, lunged forward, and was fortunate enough to come up with a box in my hand. Keeping the speed up, I charged to the games, made my selections (SSX and Timesplitters) and completed my purchase. I slept the whole next morning, and played my prize that day until my fingers bled. I never knew what it took to get your hands on something so rare and coveted. And now that I have the taste for it, I long for the hunt again... sooperman24-who truly became a man that day

You know that one episode of Star Trek:TNG where Worf teaches all those Romulanized young Klingon POWs how to hunt and sing right? And that one Klingon brings back the gutted fruits of his first hunt and slings it on the communal dinner table, proudly declaring something to the effect of "Tonight, we eat well?"

I keep thinking of that for some reason.

There is a special feel in an Oldsmobile

Erin, What mis-adventures have I had? Usually I just run around all over town looking for the latest FF on its debut date and with FFX shipping the same day as LotR, well.... thats a story in itself. But this story isn't about that. This story is about how fanboy enthusiasm and Final Fantasy combined to land me in extreme penury for the rest of that year. It was 1998, I was 16 and my license was 6 months old. I'd been out of the "biz" for around two years, and I thought gaming was behind me, that I had outgrown it. That year I severely injured my ankle the first day of tennis practice. As a result, I had nothing to do. I had finally been broken of my love for Nintendo by Final Fantasy 7. As I hadn't bought a game in years, I convinced my parents to buy me a Playstation and FF7. Well that was all well and good, but I was unaware of the need for a memory card. The next day, ankle still broken, aching in pain, I got in my car, and drove to the local Target (my left ankle, my right foot was fine). I was so excited, I could finally save my progress and launch into this adventure. I drove excitedly into the parking space, when I heard it. CRUNCH!! Also the shriek of metal on metal. Yes, I had hit a PARKED CAR. A red SUV as I recall, and I completely destroyed my right light, and the casing around the right front wheel. A huge gaping HOLE in my Oldsmobile. The other car? there was a lot of scratching and some denting but to be honest it cut through my Cutlass Ciera like it was squishy cheese. I couldn't even open the passenger side door! I calmly parked, went inside and purchased said memory card, limping, before I went back to my car and called the police. After they came, (the Police Officer was a Renaissance Fair fan, and admired the sword I'd bought at the last one, that I kept in my car at the time) I left my insurance number on the car's windshield and drove home to enjoy my incredible game. While the insurance costs for the other guy came out to only about 300 dollars, it cost me nearly TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS to fix the damage done to my car, out of my own pocket. That accident years ago, was my first and and only accident to this day. But you know what? For FF7, I think it might have been worth it. SSJPabs, my accident is funny now that I'm not in debt

FFVII may arguably have been worth two thousand dollars.... but is any Oldsmobile?

Never put off till tomorrow games you can buy today

Dear Agent Erin, The tale I tell is a how I learned a tragic lesson. Fortunately, it comes out mostly good. Back in the year 199X, I was strickly an action/platformer. Never played an rpg. Ever. They would be too hard for me, I figured. Then, scoping out my shiny new Nintendo Power one day (back when it had the RPG only Epic Center feature [kind of like a pre-GIA, if you guys were on the take]), I read some good previews on what would be my first two rpgs; Chrono Trigger and EarthBound. Chrono Trigger pulled my time travel weakness like a master puppeteer, had a robot, and some nice artwork, and I had never even heard of Dragonball at the time, while EarthBound was so wacky and charming how could I resist it? And it had a pizza delivery guy. So being 13, of course I didn't buy them when they came out. I'd get the for my birthday. In the meantime I rented. Oh how I rented. Erased games halfway through (multiple times). Getting the wrong cart before I made sure to check the serial numbers; but miraculously (or not) I made it through both, without GameFAQs even! This is where I mad my tragic mistake, I figred since I beat them, why get the games still? Yes, I really was that stupid. Invariably, I got the itch later to play through again, realizing my mistake, but it was too late. No longer did the electronics sections at my local department stores carry these golden jewels, nor Electronics Boutique even. Thankfully I was able to get the games, albiet used. My mom was able to by CT from Blockbuster when they were beginning to clear out their SNES section. I found EB at EB, like some preowned holy grail in the used bid while casually sifting through. I was so ecstatic it's colored my opinion of ye olde Boutique to this day. Heck I even work there now! This is my sad tale, learn well ye of thrifty mind, and spend thy dollar. David Cartoon, the one guy at EB who does know what he's talking about, 'cause he reads the GIA

Go forth and be fruitful, for you are of a rare breed.

5-step program

Yo. Step One: Spend three years trying to hunt down a copy of Xenogears. Step Two: Visit the Electronics Boutique that just opened near your house. Step Three: Ask, just for the helluvit, if they get in used copies of Xenogears often, and how much they run for. Step Four: Listen to the guy say, "Xenogears? Well, we don't get many used, but I've got two new copies here for fifty bucks apiece." Step Five: Rejoice. True story. :) -Northwind, who thinks that Obsidian Zero meant to say "Locke pining over RACHEL", having confused the two lost loves of the two loveable rogues that FFVI had to offer.

At least he knew what Xenogears was, unlike the time a clerk tried to pass off Yoshi's Story for Super Mario RPG on me....

And there I was with 9 HP remaining, cartridge firmly clasped in hand....

hehe Actually this happened after I got a game so... After only one delay (I think) Chrono Trigger arrived in stores. Sooo many nights spent drooling over magazine pictures had driven me to the point of a Manic Frenzy (with warm pickles and cheddar mac&cheese), so it was no surprise to my remaining family members (...) when I nearly swallowed the phone when Funcoland called to tell me it had arrived... and there was only one left so "You'dBetterGetUpHereInHalfAnHourBeforeISellItToSomebodyElse". By some divine miracle I turned a hour bike ride into twenty minutes and got my game. But... On the way home I stopped at a conveniece store for a Gatorade, when on the way to pay I was grabbed from behind. Some security guy thought I was stealing, and searched my Funcoland bag. "Wow," he told me. "I heard this game was awesome." Upon finding my person free from stolen goods he escorted me through to the door (asshole), and tried to leave without giving me back my game. When I questioned this he glared at me for about a minute then thrust Chrono back into my hands, growling that I better never come back to the store. Heart thudding like mad I left quickly, when I was promptly hit by a car in the store parking lot. It was really only a love tap, but it was enough to stun me and send me tumbling. When I woke I found that same damn security guy tugging on the bag with one hand and trying to check my pulse with the other, all the while screaming for some help. I completely spazed out, hitting like mad with my free hand at his head. He let go and I grabbed my fallen bike (but mercifully unbroken) and rode like hell, taking many detaures and shortcuts, and was rewarded for my efforts when I collided with a six or seven year old girl on her bike. At this point I gave up and just lay on the ground, totally exhausted, and resigned myself to a Chrono Trigger-less heaven. I was denied this by the girl I rammed, who decided some CPR was in order, and I quickly jumped up after a good chest-pounding. Nothing short of nearly a half hour of arguing and jumpingjacks would convince this girl I was fine, so I paid my dues and was on my way, nursing a sore wrist and a horribly bent front rim. After a measly ten minutes I arrived home; bruised and battered for the worse, and sporting a thousand yard stare that I still carry to this day, but in possesion of a silicon masterpiece that still demands respect and attention. Sigh. It was worth it. perth - smellin' it like it is for twenty-five years

Now that is how I want to remember gaming....

Closing Comments:

In honor of the roommate who just started Earthbound over after missing a handful of items in Dungeon Man, I propose that tomorrow we share our obsessive-compulsive anecdotes; what 60-hour quests have you aborted in the name of anal retentiveness?

- Erin Mehlos