Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. My gastrointestinal tract has had it; one cannot subsist on Altoids alone. Don't say we didn't warn you.

In reading GameSpot's letters offering from the 8th, I felt somewhat inclined to inflict a game-related injury on Shane. Any time he thinks he's man enough to test my lacking female twitch skills, I'll be happy to bust out Mario Kart (SNES original, of course) and take him to the cleaners --with Bowser, no less.

Anyway, we're not here to indulge my hyperactive sense of indignation -- we're here to listen to your humiliating tales of personal injury.

Let's go!

Broken Glass

Mademoiselle Mehlos, Although I'm sure you'll get a few stories of people who missed a step and took a dive off the DDR machine, or who still suffer carpal tunnel syndrome due to that 18-hour game session three years back, I don't doubt that the vast majority of reported injuries will be the result of some loss of temper. Such is my tale. Well, actually, it's my brother's tale, but I don't think he reads this column. (Will, if you are reading, I apologize for bringing this back up. Just feel glad that the readers aren't getting a last name to go with this.) This was at least six years back, so I don't remember the game he was playing, and I don't remember if I was involved or just observing. I just know that he was losing, badly. He had been doing a good job avoiding a tantrum, or even indicating he was annoyed, but after he got his head handed back to him for what no doubt seemed like the hundredth time, he took another deep breath, calmed his nerves yet again... and suddenly put his fist through the coffee table. He said afterwards he had no intention of hitting it that hard; he just felt the need to hit something and the table was the closest solid(?) object. I can verify that the expression on his face after the fact was indeed "Huh. That wasn't supposed to happen." So either he didn't know his own strength (he had recently been through a growth spurt) or the glass was unusually fragile. Regardless, that little incident resulted in several stitches for his hand and a new glass top for the table. To his credit, he was very mature about the entire thing, though perhaps this was just a result of being humbled. - ChocoMog ZERO, who thinks glass tables are a bad idea anyway

Glass tables are most certainly a bad idea wherever frustrated gamers may seethe in the general vicinity. Your brother's lucky he didn't open up a vein -- but on the bright side, he can tell chicks he earned the scars in a swashbuckling rapier duel. Ah, but there's nothing quite like the scars of a fencer to get into the knickers of the opposite sex.

Whoever said gaming would prevent your getting laid? Shows what those bastards know.

Of plasma globes and ballbreakers

Erin, Ooooooh, I'm with the Cozster. This one ought to be fun. I haven't really suffered anything that would be considered an injury, but I figure I might as well serve up a few of my more amusing anecdotes nonetheless. The most recent incident occured but two months ago, during a session of FFX. Positively sick and tired of dealing with chocobo's and their interactions with various birds and balloons, I did what any sensible gamer would do after being gipped out of victory roughly 16,000 times: I threw my controller. Now, you must understand that this was a practice I had obstained from for quite some time (though it used to happen with disturbing frequency), so my skills of aim had slightly eroded. This fact became readily apparent soon after my trusty dual shock reached its dubious destination. And what was that destination? Lets just say it starts with "test" and ends with "icles". This is the thanks I get from these little fucks after all the hours I had put into their stupid little side quests? If I had a save handy, I'd load up FFVII or Tactics and hack those little fuckers to peices all the live long day. FEEL THE POWER, BIRD OF DEATH!!! *Ahem* Moving on to a slightly less sexualy charged tale, let us recount one fatefull game of Starcraft. It was late at night sometime a few years ago, and I was playing me some SC, when my computer decided it felt like acting up. My monitor turned itself off for no apparent reason, save maybe to awaken me from my SC induced zombie status. Several minutes after I turned it back on, the monitor started doing what I can only describe as pulsating; the picture started waving around, culminating in an odd blue light in the center of the monitor. This was certainly odd, but nothing to take me away from Starcraft. It did this several more times, to the point of annoyance, before the Satan Monitor brought forth its final trick. It shocked me. In the dark room, I could see the little bolt fly from the monitor and shock me. To this day, I still don't know what the hell happened, or if it even happened at all. Maybe I was suffering from sleep deprevation, mixed with an odd caffine high? Needless to say, I stayed away from that computer for a while. The FBI, however, was not keen on my request for a restraining order. Other than those two occurances, I've suffered the requisite thumb and hand injuries, a Silent Hill induced collapse of my own psyche, and a severely wounded slab of dignity from the beast known as DDR. I'm also told Doom makes you kill people, but I have not witnessed this first hand. -Justin Freeman

Curiously, I also had a monitor that behaved like a plasma globe for a time. Fortunately I foisted it off on my family before it ever had the opportunity cause me bodily harm.

As far as your SH-induced breakdown ... I'm still paying the shrink.

Xenogears linked to neural disorders; ToastyFrog even more smug than usual

Dear DA, On the topic of gaming-related injuries, I have a small story to tell: I, like many others, used to have time to sit down and stay up all night to kick ass at an RPG. This time 'round the game was Xenogears, and I was going through the final battles. I had just handed Deus his testicles after a very lengthy battle, and was enjoying the overtly long ending when the phone rang. I would have ignored it, but my family was away and they'd only call if they needed something or something happened. As I raced upstairs to get it, I tripped on the controller cord, banged my head on the metal support pole in my basement, and knocked my PSX off the shelf to fall, crash, and cause my game to skip. While everything was unharmed (the shelf was about a foot off the ground), my progress was lost. It would be another few hours, at least, to get where I was. Oh, and I did get to the phone after letting loose a nice, frustrating scream. Unfortunately, I couldn't take the phone downstairs with me, as it we didn't have a cordless at the time and there's no phone plugs down there. So, with a throbbing headache, I went about playing Xenogears and after about 2 1/2 hours was back where I was. Again, the phone rang, again, I scrambled to get it, and again, I tripped on the controller cord and knocked the PSX off the shelf, which caused it to skip again. Again, I screamed, and finally lost my temper. I placed three large dents in my closet door. Final toll: One bruised head, four bruised and bloody knuckles, vocal cords strained to the point of hoarseness, three large and noticeable dents in a door, and any self-respect I had because I tripped over the controller cord and lost my point in the game - twice. This doesn't include the nasty fight I got into with my brother; the person who had called both times. Russ, who has just let the world know he is indeed, a moron.

I can't think of much to say to this beyond ... did you stop by the mirror after this happened to make sure your pupils were evenly dilated?

Lack of violence begets violence

Hey Erin, I have a game related injury for you...well actually two. I was playing Street Fighter 2 (on Genesis, so I can't remember it if was Turbo, Super, or someother permutation, but anyways I was around 13 at the time, and I was playing against a friends little brother (8-10 years old). I was beating him with extreme prejudice. However, the child was very annoying and would scream and throw a fit when ever I beat him. He'd jump out squeal (yeah, not scream, but squeal) and yell in my face. Really. He'd also mash buttons (breaking several controllers in the process). The kid was a complete waste of humanity...he's around 14 now, and he still is...but besides that, during our late night gaming event, he finally beat me. The Capcom gods decided to let him have one. He got in my face screaming and yelling. I had too much. I completely tripped out and punched the kid as hard as I could in the gut. I knocked the little guy down, cold. He just layed there gagging and choking, I knocked the wind right out of him. Eventually, he recovered, starting crying and got his mom. She whipped me, put me in the corner, then called my dad who prompty beat me again and grounded me. Who says video games don't encourage violence... Ok, story two: I was never allowed to play violent fighting games (which explains why I was at a friends house in story one) so of course I always did anyways. I was playing Marvel Superheroes vs Street Fighter one evening in my room, safe from the parents. Suddenly, I could hear my dad coming up the steps. I scrambled to turn of the PS, and hide that I was playing, but I tripped on the cord and fell flat on my face. I suffered no injury, but I still can't figure out how I explained to my dad what happened...

If your letter teaches us anything, dude, it's not that video games encourage violence -- it's that barring your kid from playing them encourages violence.

Two damn hours it took me to panel-beat my head back into shape

ItadakE- Well, this one's sorta gaming related. I was playing Castlequest on NES when I was 7 and my sister (3 at the time) beaned me over the cranium with my grandfather's antique shillelagh, rendering me unconscious and bleeding. My head's still kinda misshaped because of it. She denies it to this day. Kids... -himajinga who ate 3 boxes of fruit snacks on his shift at work today P.S. She's also clocked me with controllers and remotes on numerous occasions.

I know people with dented skulls that resulted from wandering too close to softball batters on the playgrounds of yore, but here I was thinking the advent of the pasty house-bound child of the electronics age had done away with these kind of injuries and my generation would be the first to sport cranial perfection to the end of their days.

Man, can I call 'em or what.

Now you're playing with ... knives

Erin - OK, so this story isn't so wacky, but it is definitely interesting. This happened awhile ago, back when I was the tender age of 10 and my little brother was only 8. Oddly enough, this is one gaming injury when the person playing the game (me) wasn't the one injured. And everyone though Final Fantasy IV was such an innocent game when it came out. Anyway, so I'm playing Final Fantasy IV and I was fighting Rubicant, the Fiend of the Fire Element. My little brother was fascinated by Edge the Ninja and who can blame him? Edge is definitely one of the coolest characters in the game. So while I'm playing the game my brother gets it into his head that he'd really like to be like Edge. So he goes over to the knife drawer in the kitchen and pulls out two long, sharp knives. I wasn't paying attention to my little bro's antics since Rubicant is one of the hardest bosses in the game. I'm just about to finish the flaming fiend off when I hear a shriek from the kitchen. I turn around (the room with the TV is attached to the kitchen) and find that my brother has cut his right arm with one of the knives. Blood is covering his arm. Five minutes later our family is speeding down the road toward the Emergency Room at the hospital. My brother came out of the incident fine and just had to have a lot of stitches lining his arm for the next month. It was definitely one of the more violent video game injuries I've seen though. I'm just glad my brother didn't try this stunt a year down the line when FFVI came out. He really liked Edgar and his chainsaw. Cutting-Edge Bastard

I'm not going to kid myself into thinking there's anything I can add to that except maybe "Holy shit."

Christ on a unicycle: the dangers of nacho cheese

Erin, Well, thanks to Cozy's topic selection, I have decided to make a story that lives in legend in the southern CT area (not to mention parts of Virginia, Boston, and Japan) public knowledge. In 1997 - junior year of high school - my best friend Al and I were playing Street Fighter Alpha 2 in my bedroom after school. Al (who at that time was at his career high of 280 pounds) was scarfing down nachos with generous dollops of cheese dip, and dropped a giant glob of it onto my rug. He then decided to make absolutely no mention of it, and went on with his game playing even though I had obviously noticed. The following drama ensued, and rest assured that as crazy as it sounds, I am not embellishing in any way. Chris: "Al, are you going to clean that up?" Al: "Chris... I don't know where the paper towels are in your house, so why should I?" Chris: "That's your reasoning?" Al: *keeps playing SFA2* Now, I get up out of my chair to clean up the mess. But first I need to get out of my room, and the then-corpulent Al was blocking the only exit. I stared at him but he did not move. This meant that I had to climb over my bed to get out the door. So I stepped over my bed, and as I was stepping off of it (about two feet down to the floor), my foot went out from under me, and I fell forward. My foot was trapped beneath the weight of my body and my ankle literally snapped in half. I was in the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I was now down on the floor of my bedroom saying things such as "FUCK OH MY JESUS H CHRIST FUCKING HELL FUCK MY FOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!" Al: "What happened?" Chris: "FUCK. HOLY CHRIST. MY FOOT. PAIN. GET MY SHOE OFF." Al: "I'm not touching your dirty shoes." Chris: "HOLY SHIT. ICE. GET ICE." Al then steps over my head and goes out the door. He returns later with four giant ice cubes wrapped in a tiny paper napkin. Chris: "THAT IS NOT GOING TO STAY ON MY FOOT." Al: "I TOLD you, I don't know where the paper towels are!" Chris: "JESUS FUCKING ASS FUCK CHRIST ON A UNICYCLE. GET MY GOD DAMNED SHOE OFF AND PUT THE ICE ON MY FOOT." Al: "I TOLD YOU I am not touching your dirty shoe or your foot!" Al then puts the large chunks of ice on the outside of my shoe, where they proceed to do nothing. I cannot get up or turn around, but I hear Al doing something on the other side of the room. Al then comes back where I can see him. Al: "I cleaned the cheese up!" Chris: "JESUS FUCKING HELL CHRIST OH MY GOD I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE FUCKING CHEESE ANYMORE! GO FUCK YOURSELF!" Al: "Chris, telling me to go fuck myself is not going to make your foot any better." Chris: "NEITHER IS THIS FUCKING ICE ON MY SHOE." Now, at this point, thank God, my mother and brother arrived home and saw my head sticking out of my door, at floor level. They are kind enough to GET MY SHOE OFF and put me on the bed, where they iced my foot (which now had a swelling on it that was literally the size of a tennis ball). Irony: My brother had broke his foot months earlier, and had been in a cast. He was scheduled to go to the podiatrist the next day to have it taken off. So I went with him and had one put ON. And then the doctor told my brother that he hadn't taken good enough care of his foot, and he had to wear a cast for another 6 weeks. We got our casts off the same day, but for the next month and a half, we were both on crutches. Family nights out looked like a field trip from the hospital. Chris Kohler

By far, this letter inspires the most sincerely sympathetic wince for me tonight, so despite its being more about nachos than games, you get the Compound Fracture Award.

Don't mourn for me

Video game injuries...? Other than the terminal carpal tunnel syndrome? The severe eyestrain that's resulted in near blindness? The hunched and crooked posture of an eighty year old man? Or perhaps the many blows my ego and pride have been dealt when I foolishly admit I have more than passing interest in video games in social situations? Or maybe the many emotional and spiritual scars I bare for my exposure to the many 'free thinkers' of the video game and related sub-cultures and the soul searing 'content' they bring to the internet.? Can the literally countless hours of my life that have slipped quietly away never to return count as an injury? Perhaps the greatest wound I've suffered is death. Because, really... I'm already dead. ~Ian P.

And no bad thing.

Dance Dance Paraplegic

Q: What do you get when you mix a 6' 6" guy, a heated game of Samba De Amigo w/ maracas and a ceiling fan? A: Two nearly broken hands! I was playing Samba De Amigo and I jammed both of my hands into my ceiling fan during a pose. FUN!!

There's a lot of potential for bodily harm to be found in the rhythm genre, surely. Human heads have an uncanny predilection for intersecting maraca swaths, and DDR mats often seem explicitly designed to slide across most floors when stepped on.

New problems arise, though, when we examine said mats' connections to an unsecured console via an eminently yankable cord....

Closing Comments:

All right, we've talked about the injuries we've sustained in the line of duty ... but what about the damages heaped upon your hardware? How many times has you sister tripped over your controller cable and sent the PSX crashing fatally to the floor? How many television sets did you go through before you wisened up and started tossing the controller at family members instead? Clue me in, guys, because I sure as all hell can't do it myself....

- Erin Mehlos