Profoundly profane - March 17th, 2002 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed
within this column are those of the participants and the
moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the
GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive
material afoot.
Less talk, more motorized unicycles.
Don't say we didn't warn you.
I have a question for you Mac users out there. First, though, let me make this evident: I'm not bashing Macs or the Mac OS. I have respect for Macs. In many ways they are, indeed, superior to PCs. However, to satiate my own curiousity, I have a question about Mac user behavior. Call it a mini psychological survey, if you will.
So yeah, here's my question: what is it about Mac users that compels them to save dozens of unrelated files all over their desktops in a completely random, haphazard fashion? Every Mac user I have ever known does this. Is it just convenient having 3 shortcuts to Internet Explorer randomly strewn about your desktop? Is it artistic use of disorder as a comment on society in general? Just curious, is all.
And now, with that wholly unrelated and accusatory introduction out of the way, let's roll.
| I wanna go to Hell |
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CozCoz,
Ummm, Drew, I've never done any of that crazy restarting games thing in my life. If I miss something, that's too bad. I've only completely replayed four RPGs in my life. I've never killed Ruby Weapon.
Basically, there's one thing I want to know.
Am I going to gaming hell?
-Justin Freeman
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No, I don't think that's quite enough to send you to Gaming Hell.
| I've still got some of the old cantankerous asshole in me |
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Drew.
There I was the other day at my job minding my own business and trying to avoid customers as usual when a kid about 15 or 16 comes up to me with that "I'm a fucking customer and I don't know shit " look in his eyes. Now mind you I get these people in my store all the time and the questions they ask are usually quite idiotic but nothing could have prepared me for the wonderful inquiry presented by this young man. After asking him if he needed any help he promptly opened his mouth and asked "Is it true that the X-Box plays all the systems games." Now you might think I laughed aloud or something like that, but I didn't. Instead I stood their stunned as if someone had just Omnislashed my chest. After pausing for about 10 seconds I looked at the schedule and noticed I didn't have to work for about 5 days and then turned to him and politely said "Why yes of course it does." I don't know what happened after that, hell the kid may have never even b! ought one, but I can't quit laughing whenever I think of that kid trying to stick Nintendo 64 games into his X-Box.
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This, however, is. Way to feed false information to some poor kid just because he committed the error of being new to the hobby. Since I tend to be a bit sarcastic and cynical, did you think you could weild my disposition to affirm your actions? Did you believe I would unequivocally agree that the kid was a fat dick-face, make fun of his parents, then compose a stirring haiku in honor of your unflinching defense of gamedom and awesome shoes? Well, the joke's on you. I'm not your power-up, bitch.
Although that talk of haikus has me in the mood for some poetry now.
| Watchin' cartoo-ins, my life in ruins |
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Apologies in advance.
The Life of a Gamer:
The life of a gamer is riddled with woe!
The price of our consoles continues to grow,
That old dialup modem is just too darn slow,
There's cheaters and trolls, and of course they all blow.
Society shuns us 'cause we're not the same.
When kids go berserk you know we'll take the blame.
We'll never get rich and we'll never get fame:
We'll blow off our homework for just one more game.
The lamers all tell us that we're in denial,
That games are no more than a big steaming pile,
And yet, despite all those who'd cramp our m4d 5ty13,
A single good frag makes it all seem worthwhile.
-Northwind, the Bard of Geek
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It's like you guys can read my mind! Or I use lame segues to forge a tenable sense of fluidity. One or the other.
| At least somebody thinks so |
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Dude!
The Resident Evil movie is COOL!
I KNOW, I'm shocked too! What do you think of it?
-Aimal
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Actually, since literally no one else has told me the same, I think I'm just going to try avoiding it. So what do I think of it? That the chances of me enjoying it are approximately equal to the odds that I'd wind up getting a kick out of wiping my ass with sandpaper if I gave that a try.
| Indie letters |
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Roxanne...
So on Game Boy Advance, you have a green LED that lights up when the
power is on. As time and life go by at a dizzying pace, when you turn
off the machine, it may give a flicker of red while dying away.
Eventually, the red light stays on, a bright steady glow of terror,
signalling that your non-saveable Sonic Advance session is in imminent
danger of being snuffed. But you know what? It doesn't mean squat. My
panicky red GBA has been sitting here for well over an hour, Knuckles
the Enchilada clinging to a glowy pinball pillar while petaergs and
microamps trickle away in a sea of blast-processed lights, sights, and
sounds. What's the life lesson? Get a rechargeable battery kit.
Otherwise, drain those alkaline baby-killers for all they're worth.
*SMOOCH*
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This letter is kind of indie, which I like. It's indie in that it means little to anyone outside of the writer, making its writing a labor of personal attentiveness. They say good art is all about making something you'd like to see and/or hear, after all.
Of couse, clever readers will realize that all of that was a lousy attempt to pad an impressively inane column. Rock on, free topic days!
| The profanity of Square |
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Cozy Won Kenobi
It's a free topic so I thought I'd talk about something that's obviously been bothering us all (or maybe just me) what I'm talking about of course are... Final Fantasy traditions and the brutal way that Square is destroying them one by one
for example:
- a FF game should always start with the Prelude and end with the FF theme but FFVIII and FFIX don't even have the prelude and FFX only ends with Suteki da ne (but my theory says that the FF theme is only played when the game truly ends so that gives me even more reason to believe that a FFX sequel is in the works and would probably be announced when FFX international will get old enough)
- next we have Cid who has always been a wise old man who is good at mechanics and he's always the one that gets you the airship but in FFVIII he is just old not very wise and got nothing to do with the Ragnarok
- the hero should always have a sword as a weapon and not Zidane's daggers (I know you had a choice in FFV but my Bartz always had a sword anyway)
- and don't even get me started about FFX and it's so called "world map", blaspheming battle system and Sphere grid
now if Square would just leave these few thing as they should be I won't care about any other major change they do and I could die a happy man
Jordan Roffman, who is still shocked about the fact the FFXI's black mages are MASK LESS
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I just think it's funny that while some people berate Square for clinging to what they consider frivolous traditions, other people get up in arms that they aren't being maintained in a rigid, unchanging fashion. I don't think I could ever be a game designer. Eventually, in a fit of frustration, I would probably release a game called "You People Don't Know What the Hell You Want So Play This and Like It: The Precursor Legacy".
Closing Comments:
Okay, looks like it's once again that magical time where I thrust a topic upon you, whether you want it or not. So here it is: if you were in a position to establish a holiday devoted entirely to video games, what would it be like? What traditions would you set? It's a fun topic, so have a field day.
-Drew Cosner, over and out
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