Yes, the tonberries live in their little villages with ice cream and their squeaky voices and their hoola hoops and their cell phones and their...

...*slap* Sorry about that. The tonberries don't want you to know about the secret underground chambers. I've seen it! I saw the human faces in their giant tubes!! They're cloning the world!! Some say that it has already begun...I have to go, they could find me anytime! They control everything and my time is short...

BUT NEVER MIND THAT, THE TONBERRIES ARE A PERFECTLY NORMAL PEOPLE. ENJOY THEIR ICE CREAM. I LIKE TO DANCE WITH THEM IN THE FIELDS. THE TONBERRIES WILL MAKE US ALL HAPPY. WON'T YOU VISIT THE TONBERRIES?

-FIGURE FOUR

I only brought back the cool stuff, like Thunder Cats and Transformers, and the Zelda cartoon form Super Mario Brothers Super Show. I kept the tight jeans and big hair WAY out of my ambitions, so please don't come after me with that sword...

Anyway... What IS a Tonberry anyway?

I have always been under the presumption that they were British, just not stuck up. They had the accents, they drink tea and eat buttered scones, but the superiority complex and complete obliviousness to any sport that isn't cricket is nowhere to be found.

They live in villiages, mostly farming communities. They eat meat, mostly sheep because of the mad chocobo disease. They are also excellent cooks, even better than the French claim to be.

Aside from this, every tonberry is named tonberry. You would think this makes life difficult, but hey, everyone in Australia is named Bill and they get along just fine!

Now, the way they ended up in Final Fantasy is quite tragic. The Tonberries are a peaceful people, who live with the horrid taxes of their parlimentary democracy. Now, one Tonberry was caught poaching one of the king's chocobos, and was scheduled to be hanged. On the day of his hanging, a band of joyous Tonberries rushed out and slaughtered the guards using the newly invented Everyone's Grudge, and rescued the young Tonberry. They took the guards money and distributed it eaqualy among all of the Tonberries, It was quite orderly, the Tonberries stood on line, and each got a loaf of bread and three coins.

The king eventually caught this group of Tonberries, and decided to ship them off to an unpopulated continent where they could colonize. This continent was owned by the Squaresoft tribe, who met with them. In a show of goodwill, a member of the Square tribe (the guy behind Secret of Evermore) stayed with the Tonberries, and a Tonberry went with Square.

That Tonberry was chosen because he, unlike other Tonberries, could speak with a British accent.

And that is the story of tonberries. They are asexual, so the Square tribe ended up wiht a lot of Tonberries, who took over all of their land and forced them into cameos designed to combat ADD, aptly entitled "Concentration Camps" where they were turned into game designers and incorporated the Tonberry as the most powerfull enemy, becuase that was the truth.

Peace,

- Ray

"In the beginning the gods gathered for a great celebration, and they did feast and drink for many an eon, and when they awoke from their stupor they discovered a universe had been created in the backyard and none could remember who had done it. But as these were wise gods, not to mention up for a bit of competition, they did decide it would be a shame to let a perfectly good universe go to waste, and so they did plan to populate it with their creations.

"And so they each did create beings in their images and spread them across the stars of the universe. And Bahamut did create the dragons, who were given fiery breath and great strength. And Odin did create the humans, who were given vast intelligence and the ability to build and adapt. And Ifrit did create the imps, because he was still a little hung-over at the time. And each debated about which would come to dominate.

"But suddenly the Great and Holy Deity, Doink, did enter the backyard and approach the universe, and cupped in his hands was a marvelous creature unlike any other. And he released the first of the tonberries into the universe. And the other gods did snicker, and give our Creator a bit of a ribbing, for here was a creature without any defenses or advantages whatsoever, and what chance did it have?

"But the Wise and Beneficent Doink did turn to them and say, Yea, observe, for though they are helpless on their own, I have blessed them with a mighty weapon, which will allow them to vanquish all who oppose them, and I shall call it a Chef Knife. And though the other gods were suspicious afterwards at the fact that the kitchen was missing a cutlery set, they praised the Great Doink for his wisdom.

"And the tonberries did take this holiest of weapons, the very sight of which invokes fear in all who see it, and they grew strong and numerous, and still prosper to this very day."

- ChocoMog ZERO

What are they? Simple. Yoda Fanboys. The green skin, short, robe. Cosplay yodas. Well, I hope cosplay. The lanterns are obvious- they need them to see by in thier dark rooms. (Not afraid? You WILL be...) The knives are just because they can't get working light-sabers off e-bay yet, and they need SOMETHING to cut open your mount when you're stuck in arctic conditions.

Thusly, you don't have to feel all that bad when you kill one.

Oh, and ladies, be REAL careful that you indeed have a _plush_ Tonberry, and not a live Star Wars fanboy, BEFORE you take it to bed.

Obsidian Zero

aka Joseph Picard

Yes, I love Tonberry. Yes, I freaked when Tonberry and Cactuar became summons in FFVIII. Yes, I would lie, steal, cheat, and kill to have a Tonberry in my actual fighting party. I also want one that I could wind up and have creep across my desk ( in that slow, determined way that they walk, I would hope) I searched through books of folklore and found this story about “Tonberry”.

Once upon a time, there was an old druid by the name of Francis Von Tonberry. Von Tonberry was a very kind man, and loved all of God’s creatures, great and small. He lived alone in the ruins of a monastery that had been abandoned and forgotten long ago, and he took great pleasure in wandering the extensive underground vault and libraries.

One day he was walking through a hall of the vault that he had never travelled before. He heard a noise that sounded like soft crying come from the end of the corridor. Thinking that a child had strayed into the labyrinthine vault and become lost, Von Tonberry rushed forward, holding up his lantern. He was shocked to discover that the cry had come, not from a child, but a strange little creature cowering behind a pile of books.

Von Tonberry was at first shocked and terrified at the sight of the creature, and was about to turn and flee, but it started toddling towards him and sobbing in a quiet, whispery voice: “Please don’t leave me here. I’m afraid of the dark!” Von Tonberry’s heart melted at that, and he decided to adopt the creature and take care of it.

Von Tonberry took the creature in, fed it, clothed it in one of his robes, and taught it in the ways of the druid. As Von Tonberry grew older, arthritis began to set into his hands, and the creature would cook his meals for him and hold his lantern whenever he went into the ancient vaults. They spent many happy years together in the old monastery.

Many years later, Von Tonberry had a horrible nightmare and went sleepwalking in the middle of the night. During his walk he tumbled into an abandoned well and tragically died there.

The next morning, the creature awoke to find that Von Tonberry was gone. It donned its robe and slippers and went out to look for him. Failing to find him anywhere in the monastery, it went outside and searched the surrounding countryside until the sun began to set late that afternoon. It was very worried when it came back to the monastery, for it had never been apart from Von Tonberry for a whole day since it had met him. The creature decided that the old druid must have gone into the vault on his own, and it was distressed at this idea, for it was very scared of being in dark places by itself.

Determined to find Von Tonberry, who had been so kind to it all these years, it armed itself with a butcher knife from the kitchen, lit one of the oil lanterns, and shuffled tentatively into the pitch-black vault.... and never returned.

What became of Tonberry’s creature? Some say that it wanders eternally through the monastery’s vault in search of Von Tonberry. Others speculate that the vault broke off into tunnels which led far into the earth and perhaps even to other lands. This, however, will forever remain the stuff of legends.

Friarjohn (didn’t really find it in a book.... but wouldn’t that a’ been cool? Cheers)

I do hate to shatter your illusions, but certain very obvious facts can be ascertained by logically examining tonberries' physical bodies, apparel, and behavior. First off, it is virtually a given that their natural habitat is that of a cave or other dark, subterranean area. Reasons:

- In FFVI they are found solely in Umaro's cavern.

- In FFVIII the Tonberry GF appears out of a hole in the ground.

- The use of a lantern.

- Their shining eyes, which obviously are equipped with a second membrane similar to cats' eyes, which helps greatly in seeing in low-light environments.

It is clear from the total absence of jaws and teeth that tonberries do not eat meat or flesh, for these require strong mandibles and teeth capable of tearing and chewing. I would surmise that they subsist mainly on mushrooms and other fungal matter, for these fit their environment and, being soft and yielding, require no strong mouth configuration.

One thing that cannot be disputed by anyone, however, is that tonberries are incredibly strong and muscular. Their compact frames (of reptilian nature, I would say) are replete with dense, powerful bone mass and muscle tissue. This fact is gleaned from, once again, their environment (they would need to be strong to thrive in it), and their apparent power in combat.

As for the knife, it, along with the tonberry's simple brown robe and unadorned lantern, are very clearly evidence of an unsophisticated, unadvanced culture, the knife being of a very simple yet effective design, both as a weapon and combat and for utilitarian purposes.

Which begs the question...

Why then, do tonberries attack ferociously and determinedly anyone who enters their area? They would seem to be fiercely territorial, including of the surface areas above their subterranean homes, and also quite xenophobic, fearful and mistrusting of other races and creatures. This is not to say however, that they are "evil"; it is clear they can speak, and do so politely (their voices indeed most probably being high in pitch, due to the small size of their vocal cords), have concern for their own kin and kind (judging from the Tonberry King's attempt at revenge), and do not seek to invade or destroy surrounding civilizations. However, anyone with the unfortunatcy to wander into their domains will, as we have all seen, attack with murderous intent and no mercy.

Finally, as for the reproductive side of things, it is clear that there are males and females, though they are not outwardly distinguishable from one another. Mating customs and rituals are a complete mystery, for being both a rare and xenophobic species, no one has been able to gather information on this topic. However, being of seemingly reptilian descent, I would put forth the theory that the young develop in eggs (laid externally, of course), which are cared for, and likewise the young. In this instance, the tonberries' sentient intelligence overriding their reptilian instincts.

So, there you have it. Logic and rational deduction can decipher a great deal, and yet we have only scratched the surface of this, along with many other species (Cactuars, for example). Perhaps someday the truth will be revealed. Until then, we can only guess, however logically.

- Super Saiya-jin.

Besides. . . . isn't there a bloody platformer coming out for some system somewhere wherein the cooperative pair of playable characters are a [if I recall, winged] unicorn and a troll? Someone confirm or deny this - I saw it briefly at the newsstand in some mag and dismissed it out of hand because pink/white/lavender/pastel hooved mammels turn my stomach.

Now, maybe if the unicorn were a misfit black unicorn, that escaped the massacre of its shining white brethren through its ability to hide in the forest's shadows . . . and then embarks on a quest to exact its revenge on humankind through the aid of fellow creatures and commune with the spirits that howl on the wind. . . .

All right. I'm over it. You better get over it, too. Or at least clarify that you don't want your unicorn voiced by Mia Farrow, cuz that girl can't sing and moreover, any unicorn that has to have its ass rescued by Jeff Bridges is no unicorn of mine.

Man, have the Tonberries pulled the wool over you people's collective eyes. Tonberry villages with fruit and ice cream. . . . sure. That's what they show the tourism board.

Yes, Tonberries have souls -- the souls they've sucked from the beautiful, female prey they capture in the souvenir shop buying little porcelain unicorn statues and confine in the caverns under their ersatz city. Didn't you know that when a Tonberry is newly-hatched, mewling in the damp and the dark without so much as a knife or a lantern, its eyes are black as jet? They don't glow that brilliant yellow until its parents have sated it with the essences of their countless victims. Only then is the fire of a Tonberry's eyes stoked; when the trapped, whorling souls it's devoured begin to cry out in despair from behind its huge, orb-like eyes.

Don't be deceived! Remember the thousands of HP in damage you've sustained because of the little bastards over the years. Remember your initial gut-reaction to the tailed little devils with their kitchen knives and lantern eyes as they slowly came closer, and closer. . . .

Tempt not the Fates - trust in your intuition and let not a Tonberry into your household, I implore thee.

~ Erin "Zedelia" Mehlos

Latest Game Idea - An unnamed action RPG which sees you guiding a retarded monkey in a wheelchair to its ultimate grand fate. The monkey has a random ability in each game - he may be a savant and can read codes, only to be kidnapped by Bruce Willis during the game; he may be able to interpret any language in existance, but cannot make noise; or he may be able to transform into a magical unicorn in a wheelchair. In order to win, one of three objectives must be met: either the monkey gains enough experience and intelligence to be able to walk on his own, and succeed as a competent simian, inspiring the rest of us to stand on our feet; the monkey works his way into the hearts of the public and becomes a symbol of hope, love and happiness; or the monkey achieves his destiny and stops the climactic battle, losing his life in the process but knowing he did not live in vain. And then we can all feel good about the monkey, because he is a hero, and he overcame all his difficulties with the help of a good friend - you.

By the way, anyone who thinks that female gamers are a rare breed, you are sorely mistaken - my last two exes are both devout gamers, one of them wears shirts proudly proclaiming she is a gamer, while the other 'forced' me to play FF VIII. I can't open my saved games anymore, though, because of the name changes... it still hurts... :*(

But enough about personal things, because it's time for...

Little-known Tonberry Facts! (Ahoy!)

~ Tonberrys will choose to fight alone, not because of any deep-seated psychological reasons, or because of long-standing traditions. It is because of a simple physiological fact - the eyes of a Tonberry can only perceive one knife at a time, and when a second knife enters their view, they "lose it" and end up in a convulsing heap at the feet of their opponent.

~ Linking to the first point - the knives that Tonberrys carry are made in a unique way: from Cactuars. Yes, that little blade that kills in one hit is actually a sentient cactus in disguise. There is no Italian Tonberry blade.

~ Drinking from the skull of a Tonberry is the same as drinking from the skull of Nostradamus, except that it's so much smoother.

~ Master Tonberry is often seen tagging alongside Chop Chop Master Onion. His tag is "Mr. T", but he would not admit to it no matter how much you query him.

~ The quickest way to befriend a Tonberry is to offer it hard liquor, scantily-clad women, and some money. Blue hair and katanas may also help, but have not been trialled as of yet. Tonberrys are known to become slightly wary at the sight of red hair and blue fly glasses.

I would know more, but I'm still upright and lucid. Plus I've just seen a picture of Bill flying. And when you see a picture of Bill flying, you know that something big is coming, and it won't smell nice.

- Kyo Misfire

So the moral of this story is: Never out a moogle and a tonberry in a cage match together, it won't be pretty.

As for a game I'd like to see based off myth creatures? Well first off Brooke, you may get your wish...sort of.......in a game for the XBox called Wrath which has this wicked looking, stereotype defying unicorn in it.

Anyway, I'd really like to see a game based off Fairies, or Fae. And I don't want some little kiddie game, no, I want something more along the lines of the faeries seen in the book "Good Faeries, Bad Faeries". And actually I'd also like to see a whole game based seriously off of Greek mythology. And I don't want to see it end up like that piece of crap segment in Daikatana with that badly designed end boss of Medusa and crappy AI. Anyone who has played this game would be happy to agree with me. Also, one culture's legends which really deserve at least one game are those of the Native-Americans. If any of you have actually read any of the legends of this culture you'd most definately agree with me. I just hope it doesn't end up as some Tomb Raider rip.

~Subtle Silence, who really wants to see a game take place in Salvador Dali's head

But, there is hope! For Kaga built his mansion on the site of an ancient magical shrine. Deep underneath the ground, the residual energy forms dimensional tears, which suck the occasional Tonberry into amother land. Here, blinded by light the likes of which they haven't seen in years, Tonberries seek out dark, isolated places where they can readapt to life on the surface. Occasionally, one is lured out by alluring female heroines, and are then ruthlessly slain by said female's jealous male companions (jerks!), but the rest are content to live in peace, far away from civilizations that may have evil multimillionaires.

As for a creature that I would like to see... once, back in ninth grade, my class was given a project in which we had to design a creature. While some created fantastical dragons and sentient plant life, I kept mine simple, yet efficient: the pterodent. A pterodent is simply a mouse with bat wings sprouting out of it's back, but the effect is amazingly cute, and I'd love to see them be come sort of common creature in a game...

- Alexander Krizak is currently being tracked down by Kaga Takeshi's assassins for revealing his evil plot

- George Moffitt

Ya know, I got to thinking, and I believe that I have finally figured out where the inspiration for the tonberry design came from...

Bug eyes...

Bald head...

Really REALLY uh, vertically challenged...

Loveable and quiet, but can explode in a fit of fury when properly provoked...

Tonberry = Danny DeVito!!!

Imagine good ole funnyman Danny starring as a little tonberry in a live action Final Fantasy movie! Silent and unsuspecting (think of him as Owen from "Throw Momma From the Train"), but as soon as someone starts charging up their GF, he snaps into action (think uh, well TONBERRY!) and slowly shuffles forward, raises his kitchen knife, and SLASH!!! Victorious, he'd smile and shake his little green fishtail and make some funny remark. I think Danny DeVito could pull it off quite well. I mean, whats the worst that cuold happen?

But maybe a wiser casting choice would be our prez George Dubya. His "I'm pretending to be really interested in what you are saying" stare looks rather similar to tonberry's deadpan glare IMHO. Who would YOU pick for the Tonberry Movie?!?!?!?

Also, I am awarding you the coveted TONBERRY QUEEN award as soon as I make up a cool little graphic for it. At your service, your majesty.

-Action Jackson

Honestly, I think Tonberries live in small communities ruled by a Master Tonberry (distinguisable by the spinning star or crown on its head and its bluish coloring) watching network TV and eating whatever fast food they can get. They are very carring individuals, always ready to take in a harmed monster (and put it out of its misery by eating it--they are omnivorous and like fresh blood from time to time, hence the utilitarian Ginsu knives).

I believe there are hunter-gatherer Tonberries, the ones that seek out Cloud and in a fit of anger take out the Grudge held by all the monsters Cloud has killed...see, Tonberries are also psychic and very close to the planet they live on...they gather the Grudge like sponges so the defeated creature can go on happily into the Afterlife with no baggage. These hunter-gatherer Tonberries bring back defeated creatures to be made into fast food...the Tonberries feel they have been perfectly fair to their victims by giving them plenty of notice to try and run before they use their knives and therefor bear no guilt to the planet or anything. They are very spiritual in that sense. the fact that few creatures attempt to run or even can run after being spied by Tonberries makes no difference to them.

Tonberries are generally wary of too much light on their sensitive yellow eyes, so they always live in caves or abandonded ruins. They like damp ruins and caves because as is obvious, they are related to amphibians and like their skin moist and slick. As for male and female Tonberries...I'm not sure if there are, but if there were, I think the only way to tell would be the shape of thir tails. Perhaps female Tonberries have slightly blunter tails in the same way female orca have curved dorsal fins whereas male orca have very tall, straight fins.

But then, if there are Tonberry lushes like you seem to have, there must be females as well. But perhaps your Tonberry was corrupted by the Internet.

- Princess Artemis

Tonberries are professional assassins. It's obvious, really. Take their knives, for example. The knife is the trademark weapon of thieves and assassins. And in FFVII, it could kill you instantly. And they're really hard to kill. I know that doesn't seem like an assassin thing, but have you read R. A. Salvatore's Icewind Dale books and all the other books he wrote with those characters. The assassin, Artemis Entreri, WOULD NOT DIE, just like a Tonberry. Oh, and don't let the cuteness fool you, that's just to get your guard down, so you are easier to kill. They're from some other planet and hire out their skills to anyone with the dough, is what I think.

As for the mythological creature, minotaurs. Not as a random creature, or even as a boss, but as the main character. He could be fighting against... everybody. In the beginning of the game he'd be heroic and everything, until someone says "moo". Then the fun would start. He'd chase the guy all throughout the game, fightng anyone in his way, just to avenge the insult. And in the end, he'd catch the guy, only to find out it was just a misunderstanding, the guy was telling someone to move. Cool, huh?

-Alslair

I wanna see a game based on that one myth from South America about the bottomless chili pot that overflowed and nearly wiped out an entire town with it's rich tomato-y goodness. Why? Because it'd be fun. Think about it: a game based on the hearty treat you'd have to be crazy (or vegan) to hate! Woohoo!

-Megane, delerious from homecoming vandalism