Paper Hearts - September 18, 2001 - Brooke Bolander
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Hey, that's no way to treat a lady! Don't say we didn't warn you. I have a sad, sad, thing to admit, guys. I...I secretly really really enjoy some of the Disney animated stuff. I know, I know...it's sad. "NC, you're a freaking punk! Di$ney is, like, one of the biggest corporate companies on the planet, how could you ever like what they spew out?" I can't help it - let's admit it, without all those beautiful old Disney animated features we probably wouldn't have anime. Sure The Lion King was a rip-off of Kimba, but man, WHAT a rip-off! TLK is one of my all-time favorite movies (mainly because of Scar) but also because a great deal of artistry went into that feature. Hell, way back in my closet I have a copy of The Disney Villain signed by two of the animation staff's legendary Nine Old Men. I'd like to say it's because I'm an animation buff, but deep down inside I have to wonder. "Brooke! Wake up and smell the cash register! Disney equals cash-grubbing corporate facists! They've made sequels for ever single animated feature they ever put out - and badly-done ones at that! I mean, Lady and The Tramp 2?!" Hey now, I didn't say I liked all of their stuff. I'm no fan of the big D. I love a lot of the old animated feature films like Bambi and Fantasia, but for the most part...eh. Corporate America and I don't mix well. However, I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I wasn't looking forward to Kingdom Hearts. There's just something perversely fascinating about seeing Square and Disney characters thrown together in a great big lump of bright colours. It appeals to the child in me, I guess - it's the same thing that makes people write bizzare cross-over fanfiction. Chuck Jones is still the coolest animator on the planet, though. And the Warner Brother cartoons kicked the living shite out of Disney's old shorts. But enough yapping, let's go! | I still think they're brothers. | | I'm actually genuinely interested in getting Kingdom Hearts now. Initially I screamed until I passed out, but now I'm dying to see how this is going to work. We all know how Disney cashes in on a movie as much as possible - imagine the possibilities here if they go all-out! Happy meals with little Tonberries inside (complete with "stabbing action"), all the old FF's being released in Disney boxes with "Animated Classic" stamped all over them, Red XIII becoming a regular character in The Lion King cartoons- it's a dark future that awaits us. All I ask is that we have the ability to make Mickey Mouse wear a moogle suit... -Toni | Yeah, but if it was done in the correct way, what exactly would be wrong with this sort of thing? Granted, I'd rather not see that 'Classic' repackaging you speak of, but little Tonberry toys? I am so there. Of course, I'm an absolute sucker for anything Tonberry...but still! They'd have to be careful that quality was maintained, though. Disney shirked on those animated OAV sequels, and look what happened - The Lion King 2, anyone? ..And did anyone else think Scar and Nanaki looked an awful lot alike? Heck, Ultra Game Players pointed out the likeness months and months before FF7 hit the shelves, calling him a "Scar look-alike." Very, very weird. | Fun for the whole family! | | Brooke, So you wanna talk about Kingdom Hearts, huh? I think it's absolutely *weird*. So weird that I actually want to be the first to get this game when it comes out. When I told my cousin about the game and showed her the screenshots, she was actually willing to give the game a try, RPG or no (she hates RPGs, y'see). Any game that can pique the interest of non-RPGamers earn points in my book. And I want see Sydney Losstarot in there somewhere with Izlude Tingel and Ramza whacking the socks off each other in Peter Pan's land or something. Hey, if it's going to get bizarre, might as well go all the way, right? It could be the ultimate Squaresoft Crossover! Whee! - DMJ | That's one thing we can all agree on, at least - this game is completely bizzare. They showed the trailer for it on some games show on cable TV, and the only way I could explain it to my mother was, "It's like Final Fantasy, only with Disney characters." Her response? "...Weird." So yeah, if even my mother agrees on this, you have to admit it's pretty fugging weird. It's a really good way to introduce people to Squaresoft if they haven't ever played a Final Fantasy game before, though - the Disney characters will lure them in, and then Selphie can whack 'em over the head with her...erm, jumprope. Or something. And you do know the line "Sydney Losstarot in there somewhere with Izlude Tingel and Ramza whacking the socks off each other in Peter Pan's land" sounds very, very wrong, don't you? I mean, yeesh. Let's keep the yaoi out of this one, guys. | Yeep. | | I find myself really looking forward to Kingdom Hearts and I'm kinda scared by it. I'm one of those people who think that Disney is the devil and will eventually lead to the downfall of mankind. But the last time we got a Square/Other Cutesy Company Mascot *coughmariocough* it turned out to be one of the best games of the era. Does anyone know if The Gargoyles (from the Gargoyles TV show for those who aren't in the "know") are in it? If they are I'll buy it. As a side note wouldn't the huge Devil from Fantasia be one of the coolest bosses in RPG ever? -Figure Four | Oh man, I forgot about Chernobog, the Black God. For those of you who haven't ever seen Fantasia, the last piece of the set is set to (and titled, I believe) Night On Bald Mountain, and it's one of the best things Disney has ever done - mainly because it's scary as hell. I mean, the Black God? It kinda comes out of nowhere. You have dancing hippos and centuars, and then you move on to a quasi-Satanic god summoning demons, witches, skeletons, and every wicked thing you can imagine. Whoa. It's pretty tame compared to what we have now, but back then horror movies were not nearly as intense as they are nowadays, nor as frequent. You have to give Disney credit for making an animated sequence that captured a real horror quality, especially in the animated medium. ...The game, the game, right. Chernobog - would you really wanna have to fight this guy? He kinda scares me too much for that. He's also a figure in Slavic mythology, evidently - little known fact. | It wouldn't be a column by me if it didn't have a Tonberry. | | Hi Brooke, (are you sure you're allowed a name, I mean, being female and all(?)) Since they've cutesy'ed (not a word I know), the FF characters who are to be put into the game, I don't think that they seem too bad. In fact I can imagine them interacting with the Disney characters quite well. Quite how it will play out, or what role they would fulfil, I don't know. But, I can say that wouldn't it be freaky/cool if they had Tonberries in there? I mean, they're all cute already, and would make for a kick ass character, enemy or whatever. Of course if they kept his personality and actions in the game, then it would scare the shit out of all the (young?) players that it would targeted at. (given that they seemed to have removed Tidus' sword) So... replace the lantern with something cuter, say a star, and the kitchen knife with... an inflatable hammer so he saunters up to you and smacks you on head instead. I know you want to see it. It makes me wonder though, how many other Square characters/enemies will go into it, surely Chocobos and Moogles? ~ Kreisash | If you go and look at the enemy design for the Heartless, they already have a Tonberry-ish look to them, what with the big yellow eyes and all...okay, so some of them do, at least. But if they put some uber-cute Tonberry character in your actual party, I'll be waiting in line for this game the day it comes out. I mean, c'mon, I wanna Tonberry in my party! *cry* I don't like the idea of them being stripped of their knives/lanterns, though. That's kinda like making Cactuar shoot Magic Luv Hearts at people or something. | Disney to Square : "No leather fetishists." | | I haven't seen a lot of this game...for some reason my first impression thinking is this might be like Mario RPG... But...getting past the absolute mind-boggling *bizzareness* of Square and Disney working together...It sounds intriguing somehow. Disney makes some fun games...I played this one with Goofy and Max once, and it had puzzles in it and it was fun...no great gaming experience to recall for decades to come, but an enjoyable rental that wasted a few hours. And while I've more than occasionally felt Disney belongs in the Conglomerate of Evil that contains Microsoft, McDonalds, Yahoo!, AOL, and various other Voracious Companies of Doom Hell Bent on Owning the Universe, they manage to produce a good movie now and again. The Lion King being a favorite, as well as Fantasia. And you know, being the Shameless Cid Highwind Fangirl *NON-DROOLING TYPE* ::shoots a look of darkness and death at Brooke:: that I am, of COURSE seeing the best Cid to ever grace a Final Fantasy in a Disney game would be a highlight of my life! And it's a Square game too...so clearly a Cid is needed...so why not? Bandai never got around to making an easily disectable version anyway, Cid deserves some acknowledgement... So what if he couldn't smoke. He didn't need to be censored into drinking soda instead of sake, he's a tea man through and through, and if that doesn't say "non-threatening at heart" I don't know what does. But as I think about it more....a game that puts Selphie in the same vicinity as Goofy is just...cosmically right somehow. Princess Artemis | Yes, everyone loved SMRPG. It was done quite well, and was actually the first RPG I ever played. (Gasp! I didn't start out with Final Fantasy or Dragon Warrior! Heathen!) If Kingdom Hearts pulls off the level of sheer giddy FUN Mario RPG did, it shall do quite well. RPGs for beginners don't all have to be Mystic Quest calibre, you know. And...erm...I hate to dissapoint you like this, but I don't think Cid "chain smokin' cusser" Highwind will make an appearance in KH any time soon. They seem to be going for more of a bright, cheerful approach to the game - heck, I wonder if we'll see any FF7 characters at all. It'd be a kick to see Cid learning how to fly with Dumbo, as one writer put forward, but...eh. I don't think it'll happen. Same goes for any chibi-fied Vagrant Story characters. Sorry guys. Then again, if you had told me Selphie was going to make a guest appearance before yesterday, I would have laughed in your face. Anything can happen at this point - pray for a chibi Sephiroth. | The guys at Square are big boys now! | | As a big fan of Mario RPG (moreso than Paper Mario, in fact), I'm glad to see Square working on crossover RPGs again. I don't doubt that Square will be able to make a quality game (with a Shimomura soundtrack, oh yessss....eat your heart out, Mitsuda), but rather I fear Disney won't let them make the game they want to. See, part of the fun of SMRPG was the broad humor and the producers' ability to play with their own characters. I have terrible visions of the Disney Parliament going over Square's final product with permanent markers, slashing furiously: "Mickey wouldn't say that!" "Where's the snide comic relief animal party member?" "This battle theme isn't happy enough - henceforth, 'It's A Small World' will be the new boss theme!" I'm still optimistic about how it'll turn out, but the more free reign the Emperor Eisner gives Square to make their own game the better I'll like it. And of course, if they'll promise an Ursula vs. Ultros battle, all else will be forgiven. "G'fa ha ha!" - SonicPanda | Eh, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. I think Square can quite handle itself, being almost as much of a Great Big Company in other parts of the world as Disney is...erm, everywhere. You know what I mean. And Square will still be able to play with their own characters even if Disney puts the lock-down on Mickey and company, so have no fear. And hey, if Scar gets a speaking role at any point in this game, I'll be one happy lil' riot grrrl. | They still look like Tonberries to me. | | Ah yes, Kingdoms Hearts. Square-Disney's answer to Super Mario RPG (and Paper Mario). I mean, c'mon, Disney characters aren't going to go around dropping Flare and Holy all over random monsters, are they? The whole thing seems like some kind of misunderstanding. There aren't even any villains, are there? Hmm. I'll take that back. There are serious villains (a couple of evil queens come to mind) and not-so-serious villains (Scrooge McDuck). So that leaves two choices: 1) a campy adventure involving Scrooge McDuck collecting rare and valuable treasure for some vague rich-guy purpose; or... 2) a plot by the real villains to take over and dominate the world of cartoons in traditional RPG style (think "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" or maybe "Cool World"); Of course, #2 requires admitting that they're all cartoons, so it's unlikely, even though it sounds like it might be good, somehow. Basically, I'm still confused by the whole Square-Disney joint project thing. As for past FF characters making guest appearances, that's what owning a franchise is all about. Just ask Capcom or Nintendo. Orin the Lawyer - | Yes, there ARE real villains in this game besides the Disney ones, folks. They're called the Heartless, and (get this!) they don't have hearts (that makes it a whole lot easier to be evil, evidently.) They come from another dimension and for whatever reason want to steal the hearts of the pure and innocent. Of course, if you believe in original sin this wouldn't make much sense, but let's not get into that. Anyways, the Heartless recruit all the old Disney villains to help them, and it's up to our group of kawaii characters to stop them. Sounds like fun, eh? Oh, and please please please don't ever mention "Cool World" again, okay? That's Howard the Duck bad; if Kingdom Hearts ends up like that fiasco we're all in trouble. | ..."T-Diddy?" | | I think it's a good idea for Square and Disney to be working together on the game "Kingdom Hearts." It's a good strategy to appeal to a younger audience. I tutor these 9 to 10 year old kids who like video games, but they just don't like the Final Fantasy series because, well, they don't understand what to do (in other words, they keep dying). They're not slow or dumb at all. It's just that nobody's there to show them how to play rpgs. And I think there're many kids out there who are in the same boat as them. Unless they have an older sibling to teach them, they're not going to sit through those in-game tutorials to learn how to use the materia or GF system. But by making a game like "Kingdom Hearts" featuring Disney characters, kids who don't like FF may still give it a try. As for adding in FF characters, I think that's also a good idea. It may attract FF fans to play "Kingdom Hearts", and/or it may attract future "Kingdom Hearts" fans to play the FF games. It makes good business sense to me. Paris, who thinks Tidus should go by the much cooler name, T. Diddy. | The only problem with that is I don't know if young kids have the patience for the tedious tasks like gaining levels, buying armor, mastering those battle systems, etc. I mean, sure you could make it easy for them to learn, but will they want to? Running around shooting things in the latest Tomb Raider game is a lot more enthralling to a hyperactive 7-year old than learning about Squall's past, I'd think. I guess it all depends on the kid, though. A lot of RPG players got started in their younger years, so who am I to talk? This will at the least attract the little buggers, if it doesn't totally catch their interest on all levels. | She is Woman, hear her knit. | | I am Woman. I am Female Gamer. (over 15 years of gaming and counting, out of a 24 year life) I have Geeky Gamer Boyfriend. (who is also dead sexy, in my opinion) I kicked Ozma's ass before he did. He loves me anyway. Not everyone is a moron. Thank gods. Keep up the good work, Brooke! Regs, Plotter (Oh yeah, I do happen to knit. Suck my knitting needle, Neorune) | I'm in the same boat as you are, sister - it's nice to know there are guys out there who will love you for who you are, eh? Finding a guy with the same hobbies and interests as you who's still dead sexy is icing on the cake. Ha. I know I'm lucky and I revel in it. All you guys who play games and can't find a mate who likes 'em too? All you girls who are the same? Don't give up. There's always hope. ...Okay, I admit, I only printed your letter because the little PS at the end is one of the funnier things I've read today. Rock on. | Goofy as Barret : "Garsh, what about Marlene, foo?" | | Hey Brooke, The idea of Square and Disney working together is frightening enough in and of itself, but Donald Duck is quacking around this game as a Black Mage! That's simply scary. The main character fights with a key, Selphie has gone from fighting with a nunchaku to laying the smackdown on people with a jump rope and Goofy is talking about how "the stars are falling." Kingdom Hearts has the potential to be astoundingly bad. Of course if little kid Kefka shows up -- all is forgiven. -- Ur | It's insane, yes, but in a storybook kind of way. I'm still a kid at heart, so this doesn't bug me as much as it might some other people...although I still don't like all the weapons being turned into Magic Toys. C'mon guys, kids can stand to see a sword or a pair of nunchucks, you know. No risk of a high-school nunchucking any time soon, I wouldn't think. And why the heck does everyone want to see Kefka chibified? He was un-nerving enough as just a plain ol' psychotic clown, shrinking him is only going to make matters worse. There are plenty of Square villains I would kill to see in this thing *coughcoughSephirothcough* but Keffy's not one of them. Toooooo creepy. | *Sniff* So beautiful... | | My dear Brooke, You must allow me, us, to apologize. You don't need to be told this, I'm sure, but it is a fact, unbelievable as it might seem, that not all males are mired in the vomit-inducing backward cultural brainwashing of yester-FOREVER. Many claim the 20th century was the greatest era of human growth and achievement, and in this there can be little doubt: The 20th century was the time when humankind finally began to crawl out of the hole of bigotry and arrogance it dug itself into during the first days of "civilization". Halting steps, perhaps, but the first on a great journey that will, I have no doubt, eventually lead us to a time when all people really will be seen as equal and worthwhile. I welcome that day. In truth, I really do hold as much pity for the likes of Neorune as I do revulsion. For whatever reason, he is still in the clutches of the gender role rhetoric that humans (males, I should say) have been spouting since the dawn of recorded history, and even before that, no doubt. However, we may take comfort in the fact that, little by ever so little, this mentality and the people who embrace it are slowly fading away. However, I digress. Let me re-enphasize my main point once again, that being that not all males are as he is, some of us, even many of us, have already started on the journey of appreciating all people's independence, gifts, and intelligence, females not least among them. To this I can only add heartfelt gratitude that we will not have his archaic mantra in front of our eyes any longer. Many thanks. Super Saiya-jin. | It's not a big deal, and all game-playing men don't need to apologize just because there's one rotten apple in the bunch. The majority of gaming guys seem to be quite nice - hell, they're more open than jocks, right? - so don't sweat it. Thank you for the sentiment though, it's appreciated by all us girl gamers. I mean, hey, I'm engaged to a guy gamer, I'm quite aware that you're not all Neorunes. While we're addressing the controversial subject that is Neorune, however, I'd like to take the time to unveil a new award in the vein of Drew's infamous Sexalicious trophy. It was made by Rune (no, not Neorune, just plain Rune, thanks) and I think it speaks for itself quite nicely.  Yes, Neorune is the first ever recipient of the Fugghead Award, for excellency in the field of idiocy. Be proud my boy, be proud. All the future fuggheads who come after you will have to stand up to your shining example, and the award you've inspired. | Like Disney would LET him wear a giant condom. | | To The Divine Miss B, Kingdom Hearts, you say? Personally, the one character that I want to see in this game is Cid from FFVI. My reason? I've just always dug that raincoat/condom thing that he wore. Seeing that rendered in 3D would do my heart good. Oh, and as for Neorune, it's bloody fools like him that give guys like me a bad name. Here's hoping his ignorance isn't contagious. -Megane, who only dates bookworms. | ...And I thought the idea of Kefka getting put into this thing was creepy. Somehow the idea of an old scientist dressed in a full body condom tops even the psychotic clown getting cute-ized. And don't worry about Neorune. He's gotten his Fugghead award and will not be spoken of again. In fact, this is the last letter I'll print pertaining to that nasty subject. He sent me an apology, and everyone else is fairly sick of him, so I think it would be good to drop it. Rejoice, people! | The product of a loving union, or a one-night stand? | | Yo. Long time listener, first time caller: As far as Kingdom Hearts is concerned, I am deeply and emotionally moved by the concept of Square and Disney teaming up for a "G" Rated gangbang on next generation RPGing. Let's be honest, this (un?)holy alliance was borne of nothing more than lust for money, but dammit if I'm not excited. Kingdom Hearts is like some guy named Carlos who you know just wants some booty, but you'll gladly give it up because he's *good* at what he does. Visual design, anyone? MUSIC for God's sake? If some of the world's greatest songwriters (You still know the words to 'Under The Sea') want to team up with some of the Eastern Hemisphere's most prolific composers I'll buy the hotel room *and* the protection. The ensuing child may be SD, silly, and light-hearted; but so was Kids Incorporated and I could watch that stuff all day long. Those kidz brought the phat beatz back. -Ombligo | I dunno...it depends on how this child turns out. Sure the sonogram looks okay, but what if it pops out of the developing womb and is some sort of horrible monster, incapable of standing on two legs? That said, there are an awful lot of Square whores out there lined up and ready to take that chance, including me, so let's all forget the risks and just go for it, eh? At the worst we'll be left forty bucks short with an unsightly rash and some shame. | A world without...erm, windows. | | True, I have yet to see a woman with super model looks sit in front of a television and indulge in the latest RPG. But then I look in the mirror and see a guy who could stand to lose 20 pounds, has dark semicircles under his eyes, needs a tan, a haircut, and a shave... - Philistine | Yeah, I think that we game players share equal oppurtunity nerdiness. Women, men, we all have an inherent fear of sunlight and/or human contact. And isn't that the way it should be? Don't spread hate, folks. Let the geekiness envelope you like a warm security blanket. Wuv, baby, wuv! | Fritz gets all the fans. | | Salutations Ms. Bolander, I was thinking what Kingdom Hearts is like now. I think it's like playing a Fritz Fraundorf fanfic, and don't we all love to play that. I wonder what the Square and Disney people were thinking, or under the influence of when they came up with this. Also imagine if you see tonberries in this twisted game. This has to be the game I'm looking forward to since the whole concept is just the most bizzare thing possible. - Imperial Mog | This letter just coined a new phrase - Fraundorfian. Congratulations Fritz, you just got a genre named after you. When do I get one, huh huh? *End whine session* Thankfully though, if any Chu-Chus appear in this mainly kid-targeted game, we can pretty much bet they won't be horny ones, and that in itself is a blessing. | Anorexic Minnie? | | Kingdom Hearts. As far as this game is concerned, there is only one thing I want to see. Character sketches of classic Disney characters by Yoshitaka Amano. I find the notion to be very frightening. But even so, I would be willing to pay extreme amounts of cash for a giant Duckburg community picture by the man who gave us the Black Mages of oldschool times. Aside from that, it would be fun to have Crono trying to inform the party of danger Lassie-style. Just a thought. | ....No. There are a lot of things I can handle, but seeing Mickey Mouse as some sort of pale, waif-thin undernourished blonde is something we can all agree would not be a pretty sight. There are a couple of characters that might convert well - mainly Cinderella and Snow White and all those princess-types - but the vast majority of Disney heros aren't even human. Donald wouldn't convert very well to Amano, methinks. | ...Phooey. Someone's always thought of it first. | | Kingdom Hearts is certainly one of the most mind-boggling collaborations I've seen. I mean, of all the partnerships I could have thought up, Square and Disney wouldn't even have made it into my science fiction, let alone my honest thoughts about probable reality. I think it's this, as much as anything, that will result in KH *not* being a mistake for Square. People will buy it simply out of curiosity. Look at some of the games which have been talked about in this column over the past few years: Vib Ribbon, Rocket Dogs, heck, even Samba de Amigo to an extent. Would any of these have garnered the attention they did if they hadn't been such odd concepts? Odd is good. Odd sells. Plus, there will always be those people who will buy it simply because it's Square. What many of us RPG fans forget though, is that there are at least as many people -- probably more -- who will buy it simply because it's Disney. Disney fans are fans in the original sense of the word -- fanatics. It's not for nothing that you can walk into a mall and see a store devoted exclusively to the Mouse & Co. No, as strange as Kingdom Hearts may be, I don't think it'll be a mistake for Square. When I get a PS2, I may very well buy it; at the very least, I'll take a good look at it before dismissing it out of hand. - Chaomancer Omega | You know what I'd kill for? A store entirely devoted to Squaresoft products. You could drop buy and purchase a Tonberry stuffie, a copy of FFT, and a Black Mage t-shirt, all in one trip! Man, wouldn't that be crazy? ...Oh. Wait. They already have those in Japan. Never mind. Closing Comments: That last letter reminded me of a subject that's been rattling around in my mind for quite some time - original ideas in games. Kingdom Hearts may be pretty damn weird, but hey, it's original, right? And original game ideas seem to be getting scarcer and scarcer. There have been some pretty zany game ideas as of late - Parappa, Vib Ribbon, Ecco - but it seems like game developers are stuck in a bit of a collective rut. You have your survival horror, your rhythm, your side-scrollers and RPGs - but that's all there is. Do you think game makers have run out of creative juices? I mean, just because a game is in a well-used genre doesn't make it crap, but where are all the new ideas? Send me letters. Please. - Brooke Bolander, who's also run out of juice at the moment. |
