Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I can't tell if my friends like me or this ham I've got strung around my neck. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Over the recent months, I've noticed a growing trend. Quite a few companies have been riding Resident Evil's "survival horror" coat tails with reasonable financial success. Capcom's forged ahead to create something of a new genre the average gamer finds enticing, and there's money to be made by shamelessly aping the company's product.

Frankly, I want in on that. And so I set to work on my own horror-themed video game that blatantly rips off the Resident Evil series for instant niche recognition. Initially my design called for a multi-disc title with well over 40 playable characters designed by Toriyama himself, an orchestral soundtrack, and level design courtesy of Shigeru Miyamoto. After getting turned down for venture capital by the convenience store at the end of my street, a couple gas stations, and some guy talking to a trash can, I realized I was going to have to scale my plans back a bit. Sadly, the final product didn't end up anything like I would have wanted. I knew no one was going to want to pay good money for this, so I'm giving it to you readers for free. And so I present to you Drew's Horror-Themed Graphical Adventure. Enjoy.

On a completely unrelated note, I would just like to say one thing: I knew people were going to bitch about Chrono Cross's use of accents. When I first saw a few lines of Kid's English dialogue at E3, the first thought through my head was "those people who started Web petitions to have Barret's speech corrected in the PC version of Final Fantasy 7 are going to love this." Okay, so the first thought through my head was "Check out that tiny skirt! Awesome! (snortchuckle)." But you get my point.

I suppose you'd like me to dispense my thoughts on the matter. And I bet you're also expecting me to humorously recant on that last statement, since that's what I always do when I make an egotistical assertion. Well, you're wrong on both counts. As a Caucasian male, my feelings on the matter would hold little insight, and make me look unthinking at worst. Besides, I think everyone can take their negative opinions and shove 'em up their ass anyway, so it's not like you don't know what I would say.

Now, just to segue into Chris's return, I'll end my introduction with the following: onward.

XOXOXO

Drew, I think you already know just how much I love you. But here, take this picture of me. May it sustain you while we are apart, my sweet prince. ~Ian P.

Thanks, Ian. May the physical distance between us not become a rift between our hearts. To make this time easier on you as well, here's a picture of the entire staff. Thanks to poor film quality it doesn't show, but I'm winking seductively.

When I read the dialogue aloud, people hear me and realize I've been squatting in their attic for the past six months, so I try to avoid doing it.

I don't know why everyone seems to have this fascination with foreign vulgarities. I guess people just enjoy tossing around tactless words or phrases without it being detected. Of course, I just choose properly so that I can have the same fun within my native tongue. For example, I try to describe absolutely everything as being scatological just to see what sort of reaction I'll get. Here's a few examples to get you started:

"So what did you think of that movie?"
"Well, it started off fairly well, but got to be terribly scatological near the end."

"Tough day at work?"
"Yeah, the ol' place of business can really get to be scatological at times."

Stick with me, readers. I'll make sure you know all of the important words.

Yeah, the Dead Sea is definitely the point where I became fully infatuated with Chrono Cross. Up until then the game does little to reference its predecessor, but the Dead Sea really starts to tie it together. Then you finally get to see Lucca, Marle, and Crono, followed by a battle in front of Nadia's Bell. Talk about paying fan service.

Not only that, but walking on stationary water caused by a moment forever frozen in time thanks to the destruction of a potential future is an amazing design element. I don't know how the hell certain publications that will go unnamed can say the plot was one of Chrono Cross's weakest points. Not to mention refer to to Legend of Dragoon as a valid piece of interactive entertainment.

This non-sequitir response has been brought to you by Channel 3 News. Channel 3 News: help control the pet population by having your pet spade or neutered.

I think things are looking rather grim for the Dreamcast, honestly. If they had a Sonic game that was absolutely amazing in time for the Holiday season, and advertised it effectively, they may have been okay. As it stands, they have some excellent titles in store for the gaming season, but none of them have the recognition factor needed to grab the attention of the average consumer during such an important time of the year. Obviously, for the full story, check out Ed's latest Wiretap. He really says all there is to be said.

Don't be absurd; Allan and I aren't responsible for Chrono Cross's release. It was a decision that the entire staff of the GIA made.

I don't even want to think of the kind of porno boobs we'd see when the forces of gravity and physics weren't a factor. Not only that, but the religious types might get upset. Then they'd have to retaliate by doing something like this:

There's a nice little topic to keep Chris's mailbox nice and full tomorrow. I'm personally a sucker for lame, multi-dimensional mumbo jumbo like this, so I dig the notion of using this as a topic. Plus now I don't have to think up my own topic.

Closing Comments:

Okay, everyone, it's been real. Chris is back again tomorrow to satiate your sick desire for flesh and heated discussion. Do him a favor and send him some mail, all right?

Time to drop off into the void once more.

-Drew "evanescent" Cosner