Double Agent
Get gone - August 21th, 2000 - Drew Cosner

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I can't tell if my friends like me or this ham I've got strung around my neck. Don't say we didn't warn you.


Over the recent months, I've noticed a growing trend. Quite a few companies have been riding Resident Evil's "survival horror" coat tails with reasonable financial success. Capcom's forged ahead to create something of a new genre the average gamer finds enticing, and there's money to be made by shamelessly aping the company's product.

Frankly, I want in on that. And so I set to work on my own horror-themed video game that blatantly rips off the Resident Evil series for instant niche recognition. Initially my design called for a multi-disc title with well over 40 playable characters designed by Toriyama himself, an orchestral soundtrack, and level design courtesy of Shigeru Miyamoto. After getting turned down for venture capital by the convenience store at the end of my street, a couple gas stations, and some guy talking to a trash can, I realized I was going to have to scale my plans back a bit. Sadly, the final product didn't end up anything like I would have wanted. I knew no one was going to want to pay good money for this, so I'm giving it to you readers for free. And so I present to you Drew's Horror-Themed Graphical Adventure. Enjoy.

On a completely unrelated note, I would just like to say one thing: I knew people were going to bitch about Chrono Cross's use of accents. When I first saw a few lines of Kid's English dialogue at E3, the first thought through my head was "those people who started Web petitions to have Barret's speech corrected in the PC version of Final Fantasy 7 are going to love this." Okay, so the first thought through my head was "Check out that tiny skirt! Awesome! (snortchuckle)." But you get my point.

I suppose you'd like me to dispense my thoughts on the matter. And I bet you're also expecting me to humorously recant on that last statement, since that's what I always do when I make an egotistical assertion. Well, you're wrong on both counts. As a Caucasian male, my feelings on the matter would hold little insight, and make me look unthinking at worst. Besides, I think everyone can take their negative opinions and shove 'em up their ass anyway, so it's not like you don't know what I would say.

Now, just to segue into Chris's return, I'll end my introduction with the following: onward.

XOXOXO

Drew, I think you already know just how much I love you. But here, take this picture of me. May it sustain you while we are apart, my sweet prince.

And he matches, too!

~Ian P.


Thanks, Ian. May the physical distance between us not become a rift between our hearts. To make this time easier on you as well, here's a picture of the entire staff. Thanks to poor film quality it doesn't show, but I'm winking seductively.

All this typing is gonna get me caught one of these days

When I read the dialogue aloud, I make Lynx sound like James Earl Jones. Try it!

- Toaster Thief


When I read the dialogue aloud, people hear me and realize I've been squatting in their attic for the past six months, so I try to avoid doing it.

Chrono Cross spoiler: Harle swears in French. Oops.

I laughed my ass off when Harle swore in French!

-Sean


I don't know why everyone seems to have this fascination with foreign vulgarities. I guess people just enjoy tossing around tactless words or phrases without it being detected. Of course, I just choose properly so that I can have the same fun within my native tongue. For example, I try to describe absolutely everything as being scatological just to see what sort of reaction I'll get. Here's a few examples to get you started:

"So what did you think of that movie?"
"Well, it started off fairly well, but got to be terribly scatological near the end."

"Tough day at work?"
"Yeah, the ol' place of business can really get to be scatological at times."

Stick with me, readers. I'll make sure you know all of the important words.

Both this letter and its response are big, fat Chrono Cross spoilers. Somebody did put a hat on some spoiler!

The Dead Sea is the coolest place ever.

-The Neocount of Merentha


Yeah, the Dead Sea is definitely the point where I became fully infatuated with Chrono Cross. Up until then the game does little to reference its predecessor, but the Dead Sea really starts to tie it together. Then you finally get to see Lucca, Marle, and Crono, followed by a battle in front of Nadia's Bell. Talk about paying fan service.

Not only that, but walking on stationary water caused by a moment forever frozen in time thanks to the destruction of a potential future is an amazing design element. I don't know how the hell certain publications that will go unnamed can say the plot was one of Chrono Cross's weakest points. Not to mention refer to to Legend of Dragoon as a valid piece of interactive entertainment.

Doe-ree-toe

Drew,

When I heard this was your farewell column, my initial reaction was to write a five page, heart-wrenching love letter begging you to stay. Then I realized that this would: a) come off as obsessive, b) be long and boring, and c) carry a sort of homosexual connotation that I wasn't really aiming for. I love you, just not in that way. So I decided the best way to say good-bye was with a haiku a friend of mine wrote, and which I actually sent in a long time ago when you were still doing DA regularly.

"Bread of Life"
You are Dorito,
Yellow, like the rising sun.
You are my brother.

Peace.

-Signore Iago


This non-sequitir response has been brought to you by Channel 3 News. Channel 3 News: help control the pet population by having your pet spade or neutered.

Wow, somebody who actually wants my opinion

Well, I may have some interesting news for Dreamcast naysayer's out there. The Dreamcast is gasping for air, it is soon to join that big AV cable in the sky. In other words, the Dreamcast is dying. Yesterday, I was in at Software ETC. purchasing Chrono Cross (What else?) when I chanced upon the used Dreamcast games section. Section, shoot, half the store was dedicated to selling used Dreamcast games. Everything from first releases (Sonic) to new releases (Marvel VS Capcom 2) could be found in this bin. After a lengthy discussion with the clerks at the store, they began recounting tales that do not bode well for the Dreamcast.

Apparently, system sales are way down (they have had to implement a promise of a $100 trade in value for anyone that buys a Dreamcast) and game sales are sluggish. They said they are buying more used Dreamcast games than they are selling new ones. Yikes, is it that bad at Sega?

Now I know that the Dreamcast is a flop in Japan, but is it already dying in the states? It has no competition over here (the PS2 won't be out for about 2 months) and for all intents and purposes should be doing quite well. I purchased mine shortly after it was out with the allure of buying games like Resident Evil, Phantasy Star Online, Grandia 2, Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 and Shenmue. Granted, I predicted before the Dreamcast was ever released, that it would eventually fail, but it can't be happening already!

I just wanted your opinion, Drew. How do you feel about the current state of the Dreamcast? is it's future that dark and foreboding? Will it go the way of the Saturn, only in less time?

-Justin Bohlman


I think things are looking rather grim for the Dreamcast, honestly. If they had a Sonic game that was absolutely amazing in time for the Holiday season, and advertised it effectively, they may have been okay. As it stands, they have some excellent titles in store for the gaming season, but none of them have the recognition factor needed to grab the attention of the average consumer during such an important time of the year. Obviously, for the full story, check out Ed's latest Wiretap. He really says all there is to be said.

You owe us so big

Gutterballs

I pushed my soul in a deep dark hole and then I followed it in. I watched myself crawlin' out as I crawled in. I got up so tight I couldn't unwind, I saw so much I broke my mind. I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.

Anyways, that's my Coen brothers reference of the day. I figured you deserved a song after you and Milligan went ahead and let Chrono Cross get released.

-Gilbert

P.S. I got all the way to the fight with Lynx in CC before I realized that the % is how likely the attack is to connect, and that I can equip more elements than what I started the game with equipped


Don't be absurd; Allan and I aren't responsible for Chrono Cross's release. It was a decision that the entire staff of the GIA made.

Okay, so maybe I do want to think about it just a little

Yo Drew,

I know that Square is already richer than God, but with the technology they have, they could get much, much richer. They've got the best CG people in the industry working on their stuff...they can make lifelike CG. Now, videogames are one of the biggest facets of the entertainment industry. What's another? PORN. Think of how much money they could make with CG porn.

They could sell it for any platform (even PC) and you know they'd sell tons. Everyone loves interactive porn. Since it's CG, they could do anything that they want to, fitting the imaginations of the sick players. Sure, there'd be some backlash from parent's groups who would want to boycott the company, but the porn would earn that all back and more.

Keep this in mind. When they have to retire Final Fantasy, this is where they shall turn....

-The Steve

P.S. Come back soon, it's been real fun!


I don't even want to think of the kind of porno boobs we'd see when the forces of gravity and physics weren't a factor. Not only that, but the religious types might get upset. Then they'd have to retaliate by doing something like this:

Well consider me a believer!

Another big Chrono Cross spoiler

Hey, wanna come up with a farewell theme that is both relevant to the 'goal' of this letter column (a discussion of gaming), and that will have Chris delighted over the weird letters (heh, heh): I suggest a discussion of Chrono Cross' take on key events in time warranting split time dimensions... Now, I'm only 19 hours into it (and obsessing about it while I'm at work...), and I probably don't know the half of what's coming, but: why only two dimensions and a cleft of dimension so far?

Sure, the law of the excluded middle would have to be respected, but I'm sure there would be more than one key event in the whole history of the Chrono Trigger/Cross world... Why not multiple branches, aka a possible worlds kind of thing? I may be getting ahead of the game... but it'd make for a fun topic...

-Princess Jemmy, whose favorite character so far is Harlequin (Harle...), which is a name borrowed, of course, from Renaissance Opera Buffa (but I'm pretty sure Harlequin is supposed to be a guy's name for a sad jester...Ah, Square translators, messing with our poor little heads again!!!!)

P.S. No, wait, Harlequin was the happy, lazy jester... Pierrot was the sad one. Well, Harle's costume is sort of a combination of the shape of the latter with colors, which are typical of the former...I think... Oh, like anybody cares anyway....


There's a nice little topic to keep Chris's mailbox nice and full tomorrow. I'm personally a sucker for lame, multi-dimensional mumbo jumbo like this, so I dig the notion of using this as a topic. Plus now I don't have to think up my own topic.

Closing Comments:

Okay, everyone, it's been real. Chris is back again tomorrow to satiate your sick desire for flesh and heated discussion. Do him a favor and send him some mail, all right?

Time to drop off into the void once more.

-Drew "evanescent" Cosner

 
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