Double Agent
The art of bore - July 11th, 2000 - Drew Cosner

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Hey, let's see you write a column with a raging case of syphilis, buddy. Don't say I didn't warn you.


That's right, you're stuck with me again for a few days. Rather than marking my return with a bunch of banal, self-congratulatory banter, I'm going to start by addressing the most curious development to transpire in my leave. Namely, the selection of Senator Lieberman, enemy of gaming, for vice president.

Now, you probably expect me to attack his character in a humorously sardonic manner, but I'm actually going to say a few words to his credit. To paraphrase the senator himself, he is not for censorship, but for the entertainment industry taking some responsibility for itself. And judging by some of what I've seen of late, I think I may be inclined to agree with this sentiment.

Take as an example Rare's title Conker's Bad Fur Day. In one action sequence, Conker must extinguish a group of flame creatures by urinating on them. This absolutely sends children a wrong message. Have you ever tried to piss out a camp fire? Good luck with that one. You'd have to have a bladder the size of a basketball, and that camp fire isn't even running around trying not to get peed on.

A gently trickling stream...

Children who are able to talk their parents into picking up a game for them aren't necessarily mature enough to perceive fact from this sort of fiction; developers need to keep that in mind.

Worse yet is the below shot from Capcom's upcoming RPG, Breath of Fire IV. Here some misfortunate creature is about to be bludgeoned by a giant, radiant blue penis. Notice how the misfortunate beast feebly holds out its hands out in protest, making the scene all the more grisly.

No comment necessary.

This juxtaposition of sexual imagery and needless violence highlights everything that's wrong with the games industry. I only shudder to think of the number of children that may be enticed to emulate oversized, glowing genetilia attacks on their siblings and peers.

However, running a column is about giving the people what they want, so I've taken a picture of Senator Lieberman and replaced his head with a tricycle for comedic value. Yuck it up.

Kurse your violent video gamesssss!

He wants to know if Lunar 2 has been delayed.

Hey Drew,

What's up with the kill the whales save the snails slogan I have been hearing? Anyway have you heard about the Ape Escape Sequel for PS2? I don't see what was so special about the first one. Have you seen the new Lunar 2 magazine adds yet? Does this mean that no more delays will come abound? It sorta suprised me.

-Lance


I've never seen the "kill the whales, save the snails" slogan you refer to in context, so I don't know. Ape Escape was fun because it actually made decent use of the dual analog pad. No, I haven't. I tend to gloss over advertisements when I read. And if Lunar 2 isn't delayed at least once more, I'll donate my brain to science -- right now.

Warning: stupid comparison ahead

Well, I never really write mail to this place (not even sure if it's more worthwhile to send mail in to the person who did mail on that given day or the person who's doing it the next day. darn, why can't you people just get 1 person to do the mail), and I'm going away for a week in about 30 minutes so I won't even get to see if this gets in, but i feel I should comment on something.

>>>Espezito, you seem like a great fellow, so please don't take my relentless mockery personally -- it's certainly not intended as such. But this sort of "modern games don't have the stuff the classics do" argument never fails to amuse me. You must have been quite the youngster when those games were able to keep you entertained for hours at a time. But you've since grown up; it's going to take a lot more to keep you interested in something for hours now, regardless of the relative quality of a title. You say your Atari still keeps you entertained for hours, but how much of that is nostalgia, and how much of that is a genuine, objective interest? Do you really think you'd stick around for more than five minutes on most of those titles nowadays if they were just released for the first time? Granted, some concepts, like Tetris, never get old, but the Atari had a veritable cornucopia of crap games. It's what brought the industry down for a while.<<<

-August 10, 2000

I've seen this type of comment about 10 million times here, every time old games are brought up, the typical "Sure, they seemed good then, but we know you don't play them anymore and are just saying this out of nostalgia". I really wish you people would stop assuming that was the case. Myself, much more than half of the over 200 games I own are on either NES or SNES. Over the past 12 months, I've probably spent more money buying old used games, especially SNES, than I have on newly released games. And over the typical gaming week, probably 75%, if not more, of my time, is spent playing games released prior to 1995. While there are a good portion of new games that I like as well, not only aren't they my only concern, they're far from my main concern. I would much prefer to spend 10 hours in any given day playing FF3 or 2 for SNES, or Dragon Warrior 1 for NES (I named those 3 in particular because those are just 3 of the games that over the past month that I actually HAVE spent 10 hours or more in a given day). I'm not just saying this out of simple, nostalgia-laced, "Boy, I remember back in the day when I would spend 10 hours a day playing these games", I'm saying it because I still do just that. Since I purchased my last new game, I've probably purchased at least half a dozen used games. It's been a good number of weeks since I've played a game that was actually released in the past 5 years. So none of this is coming out of nostalgia and memories, this is actual current circumstances.

I know I'm in the minority. I know most people are simply saying what they are out of memory and nostalgia. But it shouldn't be assumed that everyone is, and that no one could say the same thing based on anything other than nostalgia. I'm 17, I've been playing video games since I was 4, they are my life. And I really must say, with no nostalgia-base in it at all, that I truely do like the older, SNES and NES, games much more than the new flashy stuff from these days. Sure, there's some stuff these days that I like and all, but, in my own person opinion, i must say, as was passed off in the above quotes mailbag comment as just being nostalgia, that "modern games don't have the stuff the classics do", hence why I spend most of my time on non-modern games.

As I said, I'm aware I'm in the minority, I'm aware I'm strange, and I'm aware most people are just saying it out of nostalgia. But don't assume that it's the case with everyone.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my SNES and FF3, which I've logged around 26 hours in since about the start of the week, I have to stop Kefka from destroying the world again.


I'm normally not too big on comparative examples, but one rather fitting to this situation came to me when I slipped and hit my head on the toilet while trying to hang a picture in the bathroom. So here it goes.

When it comes to age and progression, games are like cars. Modern cars are more fuel efficient, last longer, and generally run better than automobiles of previous years. Technology has progressed, and cars have simply become better as a result.

However, there will always be people who prefer the look and feel of an older car; myself included. I could park a Toyota in my trunk and use it as a spare car. My front seat is the size of a sofa. I would probably get better gas mileage if I put training wheels on an oil tanker and drove that down the street. But I still love the damned thing.

Similarly, some may prefer older games, and that's just fine with me. The thing that bugs me are people who will get self-righteous about it and insist that older games are in some way superior to modern games -- that's a load of crap. With each generational leap in console technology, games become more complex and involving. In short, if you prefer older games, that's great. But don't try telling me older games are in some way "better."

Besides, at least you don't see any shit like those Wisdom Tree games on the PlayStation.

Trendy

I've noticed a trend in the Final Fantasy series that I'm sure everyone has noticed by now but in stead of just leaving it at that I've decided that the best coarse of action was to write to Double Agent and make a big deal about it. So what trend am I talking about? I'm glad you asked. The repetition in the way characters look. Tifa looked quite similar to Rinoa but I'll let that slide, but now Final Fantasy 9's Garnet has shown up on the scene and they might as well have called her Mini Rinoa. And for those of you who have seen the video for Final Fantasy 10 the character known as Tide looks strikingly similar to Squall. And as the menu is pulled up I took notice of another Rinoa clone, but since it's pretty early in the information ring they might be placeholder characters. If not maybe they are the real characters and are descendants of Squall and Rinoa, however unlikely two Final Fantasies being intertwined may be. Either way its way too early to make assumptions about the game. Personally it doesn't effect the game too much, but can't they come up with a different Female character. I realize they've been working on the series for a long time and I'm a big fan of pretty much all of Square's works. Especially the epic series that we know as Final Fantasy (some have even dubbed me Obsessive), and I just needed to get that of my chest. Well anyway the bottom line is I just felt like complaining and probably got the point across long ago so in closing thanks for reading my (pretty much unwarranted) complaints about the Final Fantasy series.

-"A person who is done complaining...for now" Kramer


I think you're completely overlooking the larger character issue at play in Final Fantasy IX; Zidane wears a fake tail. He's going to be the stain on an otherwise excellent title. I mean, we can all cope with Quinna and its tongue/apron thing. Every RPG has its token bizarre, cutesy character. But Zidane is going to be like that obnoxious alien thing in Lost in Space. What kind of crap character design is that, anyway?

Hey, Square, I can be your character designer for Final Fantasy XII. I've got some great character ideas in the same vein as Zidane. Like check this out: the lead character looks like Claudia Schiffer and has a foot growing out of his forehead. He's a total hit with the ladies, and when he talks butterflies come out of his mouth.

Or how about this: eventually he meets up with a talking ottoman being remotely controlled by the president of a leading soft drink company. That would be awesome.

I'm afraid that I've reached my sarcasm alottment for the column, and must cut this response short.

Funny man

Drew......nevermind.

-Kandrin on ice.


Oh, such a clever wit. You won't think you're so funny when I'm stomping on your face in my favorite pair of stiletto heels.

A faceless mass

I think all Double Agents are kind of the same... Sorry...

-Some guy


Since we all end up addressing a similar set of issues, most of which are in some way related to gaming, columns hosted by different Agents may tend to share a similar tone at times. Just to clarify, Chris is more apt to dignify idiotic letters like this with a rational response, whereas I'll usually call you a snot-faced weasle and then post a picture that may or may not be related to the subject at hand. I hope that helps.

Eww.
Drew

Ok, well, I don't exactly have much to say right now, but damn it, I just wouldn't be doing my duty if I didn't send you a letter! Drew, you roxxors. Now don't die on us.

Oh yeah, this is for Mr. Mega Man: incest isn't cool. In fact, its against the law. So buckle up, kick out Roll, and give some of that sweet, pre-adoslesent lovin' to Tronn alllll night long!

Justin Freeman

PS. I want an award. Its been too long, and I think I'm going into withdrawl. Help me!


Yeah, I was thinking the same thing when I read that letter yesterday. Hey Mega Man: Roll's your sister. What's up with that letter? There are levels of decency, you know. I'm horrible at disinguishing them, myself, but I've been told they exist.

And Justin, just because it's you, here you go: a Sexalicious Award to keep and treasure. It's been too long since I've been able to hand one of these babies out.

Your discus is interfering with my brain waves.

Remember, the Sexalicious Award has been drinking milk and working out, so you'd better watch your damned mouth. Recall how you always picked on it in grade school? Do you, you insensitive jerk? Remember how you and all your jock pals thought it was so freaking funny to knock its books out of its hands all the time and steal its retainer and throw it in the urinal? You are so dead.

For everything a reason

Drew,

You've been eating dog food, haven't you? Shame, shame, shame...

-Mikey B.


Yes, but there's a reason for that. You see, I like to teach people moral lessons that are so exclusively specific as to make them utterly worthless. For example, "don't screw the toothpaste cap on too tight or I'll throw a bucket of chum in your face." Or, "don't use the word 'conglomerate' in conversation around me or I'll throw a bucket of chum in your face."

The lesson you refer to is "don't let me into your WalMart or I'll start ripping open bags of Purina and eating it by the handful. And if you try to escort me out, I'll throw a bucket of chum in your face." I think of myself as a moral crusader.

See what I mean?

mcdonalds is the place to rock. it is a place were people buy food to eat.it is a good place to listen to the music.people flock here to listen to the music. ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS! ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS! ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS! ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS! mcdonlads will make u fat the serve big macs they serve quater pounders they will make u fat. ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS! ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS! ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS! ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS! mcdonalds hamburgers are the worst they are worse than burger kings. a big mac has 28 grams of fat a quarter pounder has 28 grams of fat.ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS! ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS! ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS! ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS! rock on london. rock on chicago.WHEATIES

-BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!


You see, this is what happens when you people are left to your own devices. Now you know why I always specify a topic.


Closing Comments

Senator Lieberman says he wants the entertainment industry to monitor its own output, mainly for the sake of the nation's children. On the surface, that argument sounds agreeable. However, the film industry has long been portraying some of the more powerful and and less attractive realities of human existence. The finest drama encompasses the full sphere of human emotion and action; when you start to sugar-coat for the benefit of the lowest common denominator, you end up with the sachyrine-sweet crap Disney's been pushing on the public for years. How will video games ever progress to a higher level of depth and meaning if they're never able to touch on the very same issues considered in film? Isn't this a double standard?

Now, to the senator's credit, young children are more likely to get their hands on a gritty video game than to see a potentially upsetting movie. And at the theatre, at least certain stops are in place -- cautions like the rating system, which becomes more strictly enforced by the day. Would a more strongly enforced ratings system be an acceptable trade-off for video games? After all, the average age of a gamer is becoming older, so companies willing to take on tougher issues at the risk of a stronger rating would still have a market. Then again, wouldn't this loss of accessibility go against much that gaming has stood for? Do games even need to become the serious issue that film has?

There's a lot to think about right there. Let me know what you feel. And to apologize for the serious turn this column suddenly took, here's a story I found that will pick you right back up.

Well isn't that cute?

"The 18th Century Lord Appleby of Sussex had a scheme by which his importing business would provide him with cheap servants for his Bath mansions. Despite good initial tests, his idea to man his entire estate with Giraffes to prune the trees, bulls, cows and horses to keep the grass down, and an entire menagerie of primates to clean his home didn't work out as he'd hoped. Unsurprisingly, he went bankrupt about two years later."

 

I'll be in again tomorrow. Mail me.

-Drew "Drewmaphone" Cosner


 
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