Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Hey, let's see you write a column with a raging case of syphilis, buddy. Don't say I didn't warn you.

That's right, you're stuck with me again for a few days. Rather than marking my return with a bunch of banal, self-congratulatory banter, I'm going to start by addressing the most curious development to transpire in my leave. Namely, the selection of Senator Lieberman, enemy of gaming, for vice president.

Now, you probably expect me to attack his character in a humorously sardonic manner, but I'm actually going to say a few words to his credit. To paraphrase the senator himself, he is not for censorship, but for the entertainment industry taking some responsibility for itself. And judging by some of what I've seen of late, I think I may be inclined to agree with this sentiment.

Take as an example Rare's title Conker's Bad Fur Day. In one action sequence, Conker must extinguish a group of flame creatures by urinating on them. This absolutely sends children a wrong message. Have you ever tried to piss out a camp fire? Good luck with that one. You'd have to have a bladder the size of a basketball, and that camp fire isn't even running around trying not to get peed on.

Children who are able to talk their parents into picking up a game for them aren't necessarily mature enough to perceive fact from this sort of fiction; developers need to keep that in mind.

Worse yet is the below shot from Capcom's upcoming RPG, Breath of Fire IV. Here some misfortunate creature is about to be bludgeoned by a giant, radiant blue penis. Notice how the misfortunate beast feebly holds out its hands out in protest, making the scene all the more grisly.

This juxtaposition of sexual imagery and needless violence highlights everything that's wrong with the games industry. I only shudder to think of the number of children that may be enticed to emulate oversized, glowing genetilia attacks on their siblings and peers.

However, running a column is about giving the people what they want, so I've taken a picture of Senator Lieberman and replaced his head with a tricycle for comedic value. Yuck it up.

I've never seen the "kill the whales, save the snails" slogan you refer to in context, so I don't know. Ape Escape was fun because it actually made decent use of the dual analog pad. No, I haven't. I tend to gloss over advertisements when I read. And if Lunar 2 isn't delayed at least once more, I'll donate my brain to science -- right now.

I'm normally not too big on comparative examples, but one rather fitting to this situation came to me when I slipped and hit my head on the toilet while trying to hang a picture in the bathroom. So here it goes.

When it comes to age and progression, games are like cars. Modern cars are more fuel efficient, last longer, and generally run better than automobiles of previous years. Technology has progressed, and cars have simply become better as a result.

However, there will always be people who prefer the look and feel of an older car; myself included. I could park a Toyota in my trunk and use it as a spare car. My front seat is the size of a sofa. I would probably get better gas mileage if I put training wheels on an oil tanker and drove that down the street. But I still love the damned thing.

Similarly, some may prefer older games, and that's just fine with me. The thing that bugs me are people who will get self-righteous about it and insist that older games are in some way superior to modern games -- that's a load of crap. With each generational leap in console technology, games become more complex and involving. In short, if you prefer older games, that's great. But don't try telling me older games are in some way "better."

Besides, at least you don't see any shit like those Wisdom Tree games on the PlayStation.

I think you're completely overlooking the larger character issue at play in Final Fantasy IX; Zidane wears a fake tail. He's going to be the stain on an otherwise excellent title. I mean, we can all cope with Quinna and its tongue/apron thing. Every RPG has its token bizarre, cutesy character. But Zidane is going to be like that obnoxious alien thing in Lost in Space. What kind of crap character design is that, anyway?

Hey, Square, I can be your character designer for Final Fantasy XII. I've got some great character ideas in the same vein as Zidane. Like check this out: the lead character looks like Claudia Schiffer and has a foot growing out of his forehead. He's a total hit with the ladies, and when he talks butterflies come out of his mouth.

Or how about this: eventually he meets up with a talking ottoman being remotely controlled by the president of a leading soft drink company. That would be awesome.

I'm afraid that I've reached my sarcasm alottment for the column, and must cut this response short.

Oh, such a clever wit. You won't think you're so funny when I'm stomping on your face in my favorite pair of stiletto heels.

Since we all end up addressing a similar set of issues, most of which are in some way related to gaming, columns hosted by different Agents may tend to share a similar tone at times. Just to clarify, Chris is more apt to dignify idiotic letters like this with a rational response, whereas I'll usually call you a snot-faced weasle and then post a picture that may or may not be related to the subject at hand. I hope that helps.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing when I read that letter yesterday. Hey Mega Man: Roll's your sister. What's up with that letter? There are levels of decency, you know. I'm horrible at disinguishing them, myself, but I've been told they exist.

And Justin, just because it's you, here you go: a Sexalicious Award to keep and treasure. It's been too long since I've been able to hand one of these babies out.

Remember, the Sexalicious Award has been drinking milk and working out, so you'd better watch your damned mouth. Recall how you always picked on it in grade school? Do you, you insensitive jerk? Remember how you and all your jock pals thought it was so freaking funny to knock its books out of its hands all the time and steal its retainer and throw it in the urinal? You are so dead.

Yes, but there's a reason for that. You see, I like to teach people moral lessons that are so exclusively specific as to make them utterly worthless. For example, "don't screw the toothpaste cap on too tight or I'll throw a bucket of chum in your face." Or, "don't use the word 'conglomerate' in conversation around me or I'll throw a bucket of chum in your face."

The lesson you refer to is "don't let me into your WalMart or I'll start ripping open bags of Purina and eating it by the handful. And if you try to escort me out, I'll throw a bucket of chum in your face." I think of myself as a moral crusader.

You see, this is what happens when you people are left to your own devices. Now you know why I always specify a topic.

Closing Comments

Senator Lieberman says he wants the entertainment industry to monitor its own output, mainly for the sake of the nation's children. On the surface, that argument sounds agreeable. However, the film industry has long been portraying some of the more powerful and and less attractive realities of human existence. The finest drama encompasses the full sphere of human emotion and action; when you start to sugar-coat for the benefit of the lowest common denominator, you end up with the sachyrine-sweet crap Disney's been pushing on the public for years. How will video games ever progress to a higher level of depth and meaning if they're never able to touch on the very same issues considered in film? Isn't this a double standard?

Now, to the senator's credit, young children are more likely to get their hands on a gritty video game than to see a potentially upsetting movie. And at the theatre, at least certain stops are in place -- cautions like the rating system, which becomes more strictly enforced by the day. Would a more strongly enforced ratings system be an acceptable trade-off for video games? After all, the average age of a gamer is becoming older, so companies willing to take on tougher issues at the risk of a stronger rating would still have a market. Then again, wouldn't this loss of accessibility go against much that gaming has stood for? Do games even need to become the serious issue that film has?

There's a lot to think about right there. Let me know what you feel. And to apologize for the serious turn this column suddenly took, here's a story I found that will pick you right back up.

"The 18th Century Lord Appleby of Sussex had a scheme by which his importing business would provide him with cheap servants for his Bath mansions. Despite good initial tests, his idea to man his entire estate with Giraffes to prune the trees, bulls, cows and horses to keep the grass down, and an entire menagerie of primates to clean his home didn't work out as he'd hoped. Unsurprisingly, he went bankrupt about two years later."

I'll be in again tomorrow. Mail me.

-Drew "Drewmaphone" Cosner