Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I want to scream with wild dog joy in the smoking pit of a charnel house. Don't say we didn't warn you.

I thought it would take longer to get to this stage. I thought I'd have weeks, months, maybe, before I had to stare in between the opening and closing paragraph tags that mark where my intro goes, and wonder how I'd come up with the words. But I can't, I just can't, I tell you! What do you bastards want out of me? Why won't you let me be? *sobs* Please, just leave me alone.

Ok, fine, fine. You want your letters column, you'll get your letters column. But fear the wrath of the little guy, you effete bourgeois. Sooner or later your insatiable demand for letters columns will catch up with you, and on that day you will be first against the wall. And I'll be laughing as your souls descend into hell!  Ha! Ha! Ha!

You, my shameless friend, are SOL. Famitsu unfortunately doesn't do international subscriptions. I suspect this is because they see their magazine as having limited appeal for a non-Nipponese market. Of course, if you're the paranoid type, you could theorize that it's to keep the secret world-domination plans also included in the mag out of the hands of people who might object to having Hello Kitty emblazoned on their national flags. But really, I just don't get that kind of thinking. 

I thought the exact same thing soon as I saw the info on the game previously known as Ghost Babel. I suppose Konami's getting tired of Capcom having all the silly names. I don't think this is a bad thing though - I've always wanted to see Capcom get to a couple of animals they never did, and Konami may just give me what I want. Stellar Platypus, Malodorous Emu, Fuzzy Blowfish, your time has come!

I don't know where you might be able to get your hands on the software in question. If you're having trouble with your disk drive, get a friend to email it to you as an attachment, if the disk they gave you is lousy you should give their tech support a call. As someone who used to work phone support, I can tell you nothing brightened up my day like getting a call from someone someone ready to rip my throat out because their ones and zeros weren't arranged just right.

Never played UJL. The closest I've ever come is Topo's rhythm game in Brave Fencer Musashi, which was ok, but not enough to make me want to follow the adventures of a rapping puppy and his attempt to break the flora/fauna barrier. And since I didn't play PaRappa, I haven't much thought of playing UJL.

You were almost there, just one more deductive step and you woulda had it. This column is for you, the readers. Personally I'd like to see a more or less serious column that discusses current issues in RPGs and other cool games, with a fair amount of humor thrown in here and there. But if you want a column that consists of zany non-sequiturs all the time, or something that reads like the New England Journal of Medicine, then that's what you shall have. You just have to tell me, not directly like the letter above, but by writing the serious discussion you mention. By all means, I'd love to get my first letter describing exactly why FF11 is a total betrayal of everything Cecil, Terra, and Squall stand for, and why it's doomed to failure. Bring it on.

Normally I wouldn't have printed these in such a manner, because I like to give every letter published its own personal flavor of spew from the mind of Chris. Also a couple of these authors are already wracking up multiple appearances in the column, and at this early stage I'm trying to give everybody a shot at the big time, no disrespect to stalwarts like Ian P and The Steve intended. But these three emails arrived one after another in my mailbox, and since they stated their points so well, I thought it'd be a shame to break them up. Ok, on to the next letter.

(What, you thought I'd make some conciliatory remark about how Gilgy is actually THE MAN to placate these losers? Dream on! Aside from being cute, cuddly, and a good emergency generator, Pikachu has pushed far more units of product than that refugee from a Final Fantasy game so lame it didn't even make it over here the first time. Pikachu rules, you freaks!)

[On an unrelated note, expect someone else as columnist tomorrow, as my severed head will almost certainly be hanging from a flagpole real soon now.]

Yep, as soon as I posted last night's column I went over to IGN PSX and saw Koudelka in their article on forthcoming games. We shall see what the truth is next month when the game is or is not sitting on the shelves at your local dealer. Koudelka interests me because it seems to be somewhat in line with Sony's Legend of Dragoon, in that it has great FMV, but moderate to poor play mechanics. The fact that these games seem to have done relatively poorly in Japan is an interesting piece of evidence for those who claim that good FMV is all anyone cares about these days, and how the games do in America will be the clincher.

Yes, I know the above is not ASCII. Give me some credit. I would have written the prior sentences in ASCII, but I was too lazy. Deal with it.

I thought we were clear on this point already. I am the scapegoat for all games, regardless of if I've played it or not. Don't like Soul Fighter? My fault. Problems with Pong? Me again. I am fortune's fool, and all the crap comes this way. So play your hearts out, and when something makes you even slightly irritable, come at me with your knives sharpened.

Closing Comments:

Some housekeeping: To those of you who were curious, I will not be the weekday and weekend DA. I wanted to take this thing out for an extended spin to start with, but the great Andrew K looks to be back next weekend. Please make all letters to him that call for my resignation coherent and spell checked. Also a number of people have asked about Breath of Fire III as the first single case American RPG, but it was released May 1998, whereas FFT was January '98.

As for me, I'm gonna beat Fear Effect tonight or die trying. Have a good one.

-Chris Jones, preparing for battle