Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. The hidden text stays. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Ladies and gentlemen, attention please
Come in close so everyone can see
I got a tale to tell, and listenin' won't cost a dime
And if you believe that we're gonna get along just fine
-- Steve Earle

Howdy folks, pleased to meet you, nice to be here. My name's Chris Jones, and like the title above says, I am the new DA. I'm currently clueless enough to think I want this job - the fact that no other gaming letters columnist I know has been able to do this for more than a year on a regular basis hasn't sunk in yet. So enjoy my ignorance while it lasts, and in the mean time, have pity. :)

Let's get intros out of the way first. Basic facts: 23, male, single, Bachelor's in Electrical Engineering from University of Texas at Austin. I currently work in Austin, which is a truly great city. And beyond that, it's probably best if you think of me as a pair of disembodied hands typing this on the keyboard, because as we all know, it's not outward appearance that truly determines a person's value. Nor is it things like intelligence, honesty, loyalty, integrity or a sense of humor, at least not in the DA column. No, here someone's worth is determined by what's really important: what games they like.

So what games do I like? I'm primarily a Square freak, but I don't think they're the end all be all of console gaming. My high water mark of enjoyment in playing a game was FF2 for the SNES, other favorites include Xenogears and Super Metroid. I've been playing games of one sort or another since the Atari 5200. It was a piece of crap, but I have fond memories, at least until the NES came out.

I'm sure we'll get better acquainted as time goes on, so that's enough for now. Onward to the letters! (Always wanted to say that.)

Near as I can tell, Ziegfired's entire purpose is comic relief. That's it, no deeper meanings, no hidden secrets, just a somewhat hapless character to amuse you inbetween the death and carnage. Of course, all of you out there who have pet theories on the nature of Zieg should now sense my weakness, and rush to your keyboards to type out responses pointing out my ignorance. And I'm all for that. Go for the throat, I say!

As for the FF5 & 6 ports, I think they're tolerable for what they are: a chance for the publisher to make a few extra bucks with minimal effort, and a chance for a lot of gamers to (re)play some true classics. Certainly the ports could have been handled better in both the programming and translation departments (at least for FF5), but I'm way past getting outraged by every single perceived slight companies send our way. Overall things are getting better, (FM3 in stores today is proof of that) and that's good enough for me.

1. Nope. I know how to code HTML from work, but the majority of my writing is from working for the Daily Texan, UTs student paper, and lots and lots of email. For the record, some of that email ended up in this very column under the handle of coldjones. Drew's 2/24 column had one of my letters, and I am the proud recipient of one of his Lifetime Sexalicious awards. I've hung it above my mantelpiece and I polish it every day.
2. Doesn't look like it, does it?
3. Seeing as how Assyria is dead and gone, it's kind of a moot point, ain't it? I mean, as long as I don't say I don't know I'm ok, right? Oh, sh-

See, that's where you made your mistake. Lots and lots of people tried bribery to get this job, but they lacked the keen insight that I have into the human soul, namely that intimidation is always the best option. If it's a choice between sex, money, and not getting your head smashed in, there's really only one possible way for you to go, eh?

No, I'm not Canadian, the eh just wears off on you after a while.

Actually, that's the answer I gave in my application as well. I have blurred memories of renting Wizardry for the NES and immediately losing interest once it became clear it wasn't nearly as good looking as Dragon Warrior. Yes, once upon a time I was weak, I allowed myself to be swayed by pretty graphics instead of the joy of gameplay. But lo, the gospel of good design came upon me and I was healed! Hallelujah!

Well heck, I'm honored, assuming you decide I'm worthy. Except I really demand more than a fan club, I think. A cult is more appropriate, with people shaving their heads and giving me money and spending every free moment creating illuminated manuscripts of all my columns. And forget picking up women in bars, I want Vestigial Virgins on call at my merest whim, 24/7. (Yes, that was a Pratchett reference.) So you'll get right to work on setting that up, ok? Thanks.

I'm more than happy to do so, since this gives me a chance to use a really good line I thought up in the app process that might have otherwise gone unused. The new zenith in amusing phrases is now: "Potential Jar Jar Binks products registered with the US patent office included the Jar Jar Binks Sports Bra and Jar Jar Binks Three Bean Salad. I’m not making this up, the local paper ran a story." Ok, it was longer than 42 characters, but I laughed my ass off, and in the end, isn't that what this column's all about? So glad you agree.

I don't intend to at the moment, because 1) doing so would dishonor Drew's memory by ripping off his ideas, and 2) saying the above nicely conceals the fact that I'm incredibly lazy and have no artistic talent whatsoever.

In all seriousness, I'm gonna try to keep things relatively moderate for a while to kind of ease everyone into the transition. The good news is that my true sarcastic and cruel nature will emerge soon enough, turned even darker by the hereditary madness that writing this column will unlock. So stay tuned, campers.

I'm writing this away from home now, but intend to pick up a copy of Front Mission 3 on the way back. Hopefully it will have a nifty CG intro movie for me to ooh and aah before I go to sleep tonight. Impressions tomorrow.

I could have sworn I saw something about being able to max out teleport success rates, but an hour's search on the web only turned up the Game Shark codes to enable Teleport 2 (Elmdor's 100% teleport). Rather than hound my fellow staffers about it, I'm gonna reach out to my readers, cleverly soliciting their input and feeding their sense of self-importance at the same time. So send me any ideas you have about increasing successful teleport distance.

As for multi-plotline stories, I actually welcome this trend, seriously. New and improved engines are all well and good, but if reusing the same engine in the same game gets us more play time with less effort, I'm all for it. I'd honestly rather see (at least some of the time) a multichapter game with minimal improvement in play, but also minimal wait between installments, kind of like Shenmue.

Er, thanks. As for X-box, we can talk about it if you want, but there's really not a lot to say at this point. When even the hardware has yet to be developed, talking about the X-box as an actual gaming platform is kind of pointless.

Closing Comments:

Well, that was fun. Really. Ever since I found out I was gonna do this I've been a bit worried that I'd blow it spectacularly, and of course there's still plenty of room for that, but for right now, things are going well. Which is good.

I'd like to take a moment here to recognize all the people that tried out, and thank everybody who's sent me email today. I gather from talking to the rest of the staff that there were a lot of damn good applications, and I'm honored to have been in competition with you folks. A solid number of you have sent me email congratulating me even as you regretted not being picked yourselves, and not one person has sent me a flame about not making it. That shows real class. Everybody's been real cool, and I look forward to reading, posting, and responding to your mail, especially the people I wasn't able to get to today.

Ok, enough for now. I may in the future suggest topics for discussion, but for the moment I'd just like to let people settle in, ask me any questions you've got, and get a feel for how this thing's gonna gel together. Take it easy folks, and later.

-Chris Jones, realizing he has to do this again tomorrow