Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. This column is your true biological mother. Don't say we didn't warn you.

There's a very old, commonly known axiom which goes "all good things must come to an end." While this may make it seem that my stint as host of this column would be perfectly secure an infinite by that logic, such is not the case. I'm sure you all realized that this day would one day come. After all, even if I continued, eventually my life would run up and my body would be discovered stuffed and mounted as a display mannequin at Al's Tall and Nerdy; my fingers forever molded into a claw-like position and my crooked, coffee-stained teeth bared as if to say "yes, plaid shirts and checkered golf pants can be worn together." Although other people may come away with a different impression upon seeing such a sight, that's certainly what would pop into my mind.

However, that certainly won't stop me from lying to all of you and saying that today's column will be absolutely fantastic. I'll even make a bold-faced liar of myself and claim that all of the letters and subsequent responses on my part are witty, insightful, and plain-out enjoyable. It's a great column today, folks. One of the best. Really. I mean it.

You're really not alone in feeling that way. After all, there's a reason why console makers have always done their all to approach the 99 dollar price-mark; this is the price required to interest the average, casual buyer. And as a professional broke person, I'll admit that it's probably going to take a price drop and several titles of interest to sell me on the PS2.

But all of that aside, I should point out that the original PSX started off at around 300 bucks and had but a handful of titles, but over time it became more affordable as well as being the place to go for your daily RPG fix. So I certainly wouldn't worry too much; just give things a little time and I'm more than confident that you'll see it drop below 200 dollars.

Of course, I can predict whatever the hell I want since I won't be around for you to mock should my little assertations prove to be incorrect. On that note, I also believe that after a month of its release the PS2 will cost $14.95, be made of solid gold, and come in a refrigerator-sized box accompanied by a genetic clone of Denise Richards. Not only that, but it will have wry, humorous comments for everything that you say and astutely point out all of the flaws in your logic. This much to the delight of the live studio audience that will move into your house upon filling out the registration card where they will proceed to eat all of your food, clog the shower with greasy under-arm hairs, and spill mayonnaise all over the carpet. Feel free to flame my successor all you like when this proves not to be the case.

I think that you should become a giant, heaving, flesh-colored blob who must wait 7 minutes for an elevator simply because his skeleton can scarcely support his own weight, let alone something as strenuous as ascending a flight of stairs. Not only that, but you should allow yourself to become so hideously obese that something like hobbling onto the elevator and pressing the button for your floor leaves you panting and gasping for the next twenty minutes. People should see you getting into that elevator and decide that they'd rather just walk the 18 floors than share such a tiny area of space with the winner of the Jabba the Hutt look-alike contest, where they'll have no choice but to breathe in your smothering, revolting stench; not unlike that of a rotting carcass.

Oh, and Playstations are hardly worth a cent in trade-in these days. Just hang onto yours.

Where have you been? Practically every publication out there is essentially saying that we, as gamers, should want to drill a hole into an imported PS2 so that we can hump the magnificent device which will usher in a new age of spiffy-looking racing sequels and fighting games. If you can't tell that I'm being sarcastic right now, you're a moron. Anyhow, the PS2 is receiving all sorts of coverage, praise, scrutinization, etc. It's pretty much the same thing we saw with the last generation of consoles: people are saying that Sega's machine is doomed because it's under-powered, Sony's console is God in a plastic casing, and Nintendo is just screwing with us and their vaporware will be released far too late to matter.

Now, before anyone gets upset with me, allow me to state that those are not my personal opinions. I think that the Dreamcast is a fine machine and has enough enjoyable titles to warrant the purchase. I'll undoubtedly pick up a PS2 around the time that FFX is released and grab myself a Greatest Hits version of Tekken Tag Tournament as well. And lastly, Nintendo could release a system called the "Suckbox" and I would still buy it because I'm stupid like that.

As for SF II, I haven't had a chance to play it as of yet, so I can't really comment.

Well there you have it. While I've never exactly gotten into the whole retro-craze myself (nothing like using the 128 bit processing power of your shiny, 200 dollar Dreamcast to play a version of Centipede), it's nice that there are some relatively inexpensive games out there for those who enjoy such titles. Of course, I would be interested to see if there will ever be more titles in the vain of Chu-Chu Rocket: a new, relatively simple concept at a fraction of the regular retail price for a newly released game. There are certainly plenty of Player's Choice-type deals out there, but not too many brand new games at a low target price. Unless you count the games that really freaking suck and are dropped to 20 bucks within a few days just to get rid of them. And I think that we'd all agree on the fact that this world can do without anymore Earthworm Jim 3Ds.

I'm glad to see that I've tricked at least a few people into believing me to be a good host. There's just no end to the many unique uses of learned behavioral patterns. Remember, when the lights go out, you fall asleep; whether you're tired or not.

P.S. That remains to be determined.

I can't really say that I disagree with any of your points, Shinji. Personally, I'm one of those illogical dorks who feels that even pixel-perfect emulation "just isn't the same," and I insist on tracking down dusty old systems thanks to said dorkiness. But yeah, being able to download free Genesis and Master System titles for play on the Dreamcast would be really cool, especially if Sega does release a broadband modem to pop into the console.

P.S. Actually, your writing sounds far better than the majority of letters which I receive. Letters which are supposedly written by native speakers of the English language, although I must be unfamiliar with the writing system in which nothing needs to be capitalized, punctuation is entirely optional, and "ur" is an actual word. Just to give you all an example of what I mean, take a look at the following letter.

I'm sure you all felt that I was just exaggerating about some of the barely comprehensible letters I've been sent. I'm sure when I joked about them, you felt that I was just making a small truth seem a larger actuality for comedic purposes. Well, I just wanted you all to know that I exaggerate not. The worst part is that this isn't even one of the more incoherent letters. When I first began hosting, I actually tried to make sense of every letter sent my way; I soon learned better. Now if a letter begins with 4 or more imaginary, non-existent words, I just move along.

Bastard.

Hey, who am I to pass up one final opportunity to make myself appear mildly useful simply by posting the work of others?

Absolutely. I'm thinking that the 16th of March should be good.

I'm not really one to indulge my egotistical side. Okay, so I am. But I take care of such urges by sitting hunched over a keyboard snort-chortling and patting myself on the back when I come up with what I consider to be a particularly biting response. Then when I finish writing, I continue working together with the rest of my fraternity so as to beat the hated jocks in the upcoming college talent show. Anyhow, I figured I may as well print just this one flattering letter since it's my last day and because it refers to me as Drew Coleslaw.

However, for your viewing pleasure, I give to you The Hall of Clever Update Reminders. I apologize that it's not presented in Technicolor, although you'll certainly not notice such a thing once the complex plotline draws you hopelessly into its tantalizing fusion of mystery and intrigue.

There. All of you who were upset with me over the lack of updates should feel as though these babbling morons have taken care of the matter and represent you as a group. You couldn't really see it, but I just chuckled vindictively.

I think that it's to take a moment to appreciate the readers; you are honestly the ones who have made and will continue to make this column just what it is -- be that for better or for worse. I may have come up with the never-ending stream of sardonic and flippant replies to perfectly viable questions, perused several truly freaky Care Bears fan sites to create a single animation, and slapped together images involving Andy Dick in Photoshop. But it has been your insanity, insight, and dissention that has been the crazy glue that somehow worked its way between the eyelids of Double Agent. Kudos to you all.

However, since I'm feeling beneficent in my old age, as it's kind of difficult to insult others when your giant adult diapers are soaked with urine, I feel there are a few readers who have gone above and beyond the call of duty and deserve special mention. These people have written some of the more noteworthy letters this column has seen, and continued to pop up much to the chagrin of a few people who kept sending me five page emails telling me how much I suck and then ending things with a sentence about what a bastard I am for never printing any of their letters. A Lifetime Achievement Sexalicious Award goes out to the following:

• Clyde Hudman
• Ian P.
• Justin Freeman
• The Steve
• Eggman
• Coldjones
• Anyone else I may have forgotten because I'm too lazy to sort through the past 8 month's email. You can pretend that you're one of the people I've forgotten even though that's probably not the case.

Remember, although the Sexalicious Award can help maintain a smoothly functioning engine by attacking build-up and debris with its patented combination of high-performance enzymes and mild acids, it is not a substitute for regularly scheduled automotive maintenance.

As much as I'm going to miss the vitriolic flames, people telling me to fuck off, and the hordes of anal retentives correcting my occasional spelling errors, it will be the contributors that I miss the most. Now that I've effectively made it sound as though I'm dying, Let's move along to the conclusion.

Closing Comments:

Well, I guess that I'll be serious for once; it seems appropriate. I've enjoyed manning this post for the past 8 months, and I'm certainly going to miss it in many ways. You readers have always been a great crowd. It's been real.

-Drew Cosner, over and out