Double Agent
Super hidden private memories - February 22nd, 2000 - Drew Cosner

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Ey-lo? Truck coming to store... I BOMB YOU! Don't say we didn't warn you.


The exciting superheroes of Marvel have teamed up with the dynamic characters of Capcom to bring you this most fantastic, wonderful, thrilling piece of writing going under the guise of a Double Agent column. Okay, so I wrote it myself. That's not nearly as cool, and I apologize. You'll just have to make due.

The GAME

Once again, an important argument reduced to an either/or concept. For all that people bitch about new versions of Frogger clogging sales charts and Deer Hunter outdoing every other game on the market, we need these games. If you don't have a Playstation, you can't play Centipede. If you don't have an Game Boy, there's no point in buying Pokemon. What these games do is get kids into videogames so that there's enough of a fanbase for the industry to survive at all. The thing is, nobody wants to look at the second step in this process.

So you've got people playing games. Okay. When I was six or seven and got my NES for the first time, Super Mario Bros. was The Game. It was all I played and all I wanted to play. I remember specifically, though, a time when I was visiting a friend's house and his older brother was playing Metal Gear. We asked him to turn it off so we could play still more SMB, but he took the time to show us how to play Metal Gear, which is the more interesting game now that I look back on it.

That's the second step. Simple games are good for attracting gamers. Complex games are good for veterans. But there's very little effort on the part of the industry--or gameplayers, as proven by everyone who shows a knee-jerk reaction against games like Spice Girls--into making the connection between the two, into making sure that kids who like simple games eventually look at more complex games, and until that happens we'll have either/or arguments like yours.


I think that game developers should include small pamphlets along with their more simple titles (the ones that would be attractive to casual gamers) telling the readers that they're little pansies if they don't try out Title X. Insult people; question their integrity and ability to handle their own motor skills accordingly. Then we'll have even more pissed off, spiteful gamers. And you can never have too many of those, as far as I'm concerned.

Feelin' great for a dead guy

welcome to thegia.com. i feel so good.

-Qlon, aka Hall of Fame Announcer Harry Carey.


We obviously have a rookie on our hands here; just give this column a little more time, and I promise those wretched feelings of inner peace and goodwill will dissipate faster than piss on a radiator.

Help a guy out

Drew,

I do not understand the point/art skill of SaGa Frontier 2. When someone learns an art, that art is available for the whole party to use. However, not everyone can use it. In fact, people with higher skill levels in that art often cannot use the spell, while people with lower skill levels can. I have tried switching weapons, and this does not work either!

Then, to make matters worse, in battle, WP and SP are not expended normally. For instance, if I want to use an attack and detracts 5 SP, I use it, and it takes none at all. Sometimes it takes *some*, but not always, and rather seldom at best. The same thing happens to WP. I don't understand the method of this system at all. I have read the instructions multiple times, and am getting frustrated.

While SaGa Frontier 1 had a confusing plotline, this game is simply confusing to play. Why can't Square ever get it right. I loved the Legend Series on the gameboy, can't they just go back to that simple and easy system?

Oh, and one more thing. I can't wait for Final Fantasy IX.

~Algus


Well, seeing as I don't have money, I've been unable to purchase Saga Frontier II. I've tried talking the local game shop into giving me the title "on a trial basis," but it just doesn't seem to fly. But I'd hate to see a fellow gamer with some interesting questions leave empty-handed. So, anybody out there with some advice for our friend Algus here? If so, feel free to email it to me. I may even give a prize to the writer of the most helpful and informative letter. Okay, so you won't get jack shit from me, but aren't the feelings of satisfaction enough?

Get it straight or pay the price

Drew,

Could you kindly tell Mr. Gilbert from yesterdays column that only I am allowed to speak of sodomizing sheep?

-Justin Freeman


Gilbert, only Justin here may speak of sodomizing sheep. I'm afraid you'll have to pick some other barnyard animal to include in your sodomization jokes. Like elephants or something.

Pious and biased

Hey Drew Whaaaazzzzzzuuuuppppp!

I remember when I was in elementary school my one and only source for gaming news was Nintendo Power. To me NP was God of all gaming knowledge. Then as I grew up I started to notice that they gave every freakin game an at least fair review. Tecmo Secret of the Stars didn't get a fantastic review but it didn't get blasted like it deserved! To add it all up they sat around making fun of all other gaming systems and I mean really dumb and unnecessary low blows. Like in a year ender they were doing an "In and Out" list and they put In: Link Out: FFVII, the games are nothing alike! Link doesn't need you to make low blows to other games to get ahead! Anyways in conclusion Nintendo Power should just close down and leave reviewing up to the unbiased pros.

-Figure Four

PS: Are there any other misguided souls who once trod the path of the Nintendo Power

PPS: When's Final Fantasy Gaiden coming out?


I, too, remember when Nintendo Power was my primary source of gaming information. Hell, it was my primary source of reading, period. When my parents used to kick me off of the Nintendo and send me to bed, I'd sneak Nintendo Power reading time using a pen light. Yes, I am that sad. So no, it wasn't just you.

As for the lame insults directed towards other game companies, Nintendo Power really wasn't that bad. You want to see some low blows, try picking up an old issue of Sega Visions. They should've just entitled that piece of trash publication "Up Yours, Nintendo Fags!"

Now of days, Nintendo Power is pretty much the place to go for helpful hints for the latest N64 games, and they even have exclusive coverage now and then. However, if you want unbiased coverage, it's pretty obvious that you should stick to a Ziff Davis or Imagine magazine.

P.P.S. As soon as you drop off 3 million dollars in unmarked bills on my doorstep, you sarcastic little guy, you.

Soon even the games shall have a token homosexual character

I personally would not like to see gaming become as mainstream as say, movies or sitcoms. Mainly because many movies and almost every stupid sitcom sucks. Every so often there'll be a great movie that will be incredible, but then th director will be bought by Universal and forced to make "Home Alone 4: Who Cares?" TV shows are the same way, the only thing that sells on TV now is fat steroid driven muscle men in tights pretending to hit people, or cars actually hitting people. The only way games will ever achieve mainstream popularity is if they have lots of references to lewd acts, say the word ass, and have a plot thought up by a toddler. If large gaming companies go down this long dark path, there'll be no more start-up companies which make those ground-breaking games we love. Every game that comes out will take exactly 30 minutes to complete and will take place in a thirty something's apartment where one of the guys is gay. I like the state of the gaming industry right now, its fairly popular and good games come out all the time. I see know problem with only getting 3 final fantasy games in two years.

-FLIGHT


You forgot that every game would have to focus around some kind of nutty conflict, which would always be resolved within that 30 minutes. Absolutely nothing would be left to the imagination, and the plotlines would be about as deep as a wading pool.

Mister Cosner, can I go to the bathroom?

Am I able to find a walkthrough guide for Resident Evil Code Veronica?

Thanks

-Teresa


I don't know, are you? Okay, so that joke would have been more at home coming from the mouth of a smarmy second-grade teacher. They can't all be winners. Just to show what a nice guy I am, and to compensate for that last remark, here's a link you may find helpful. GameFAQs.com is our friend.

Corner of Incoherence #2

To Drew 'Collslaw"

The mentioning of The Spice Girls game inspired me to write this. I think there should be a game for the late Big Pun. I haven't worked out the plot, but i know it's going to have tigers and Jen Lopez's ass. I'm sure most of your readers would drop 50 bucks for that alone. but as an added bonus...how great would it be waddle around in a 750 lbs. body poppin' cops? I'd buy 5 copies of the game just out of respect. BIG PUN FOREVER!

~nick

burn 'em ladies, BURN 'EM ALL!


Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the latest inductee into the Corner of Incoherence. What is this person talking about? Why did Jennifer Lopez's ass somehow wind up in this twisted lot? What is the logical bridge between a buttocks and a trigger happy, overweight law enforcement officer? I really couldn't tell you. I don't know if this is a series of inside jokes carefully intertwined, all of which I am on the outside of, or if this fellow is simply laying down a series of desultory babble.

At any rate, congratulations, Nick. You are a proud member of an elite group. May you regard this honor with the respect which should be accorded to it. So, like, don't leave it outside in the rain or forget to feed it or anything, you negligent monster.


Closing Comments:

You say you want a topic, my petite construction barrels? Well then, a topic you shall have. Now, this is pretty complex, but bear with me. You ready? Think you're up to the challenge? Those of you with chronic back problems or currently in pregnancy may not survive this. You have been warned. Alright: what are your opinions on the recent Playstation Festival? When you regain your composure, commence writing.

-Drew Cosner

 
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