Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I would do a whole Parasite Eve Day 2 thing, but Drew beat me to it. Bastard! Don't say we didn't warn you.

Ok, now that the first day is over I can jump right in to the column instead of doing awkward introductory material... like what I'm doing now... dammit.

Anyway, FM3: Impressions so far are good. I only got a chance to look at the trailer and the opening movie, but I liked what I saw. It's not quite in the jaw dropping/"that's the coolest thing I've ever seen"/FF8 and Xenogears FMV category, but it's definitely competent. Beyond that I haven't yet let myself see, because if I do I'll be up all night and there'll be no DA column.

I'm also a little amazed we're actually seeing FM at all. I get the impression (NOTE: impressions are purely based on half-assed speculation and a lack of hard info, read with skepticism) that just about all FM games up to this point have centered around a conflict between a US-analog and a Japan-analog in combat with each other, with the Japanese being the good guys. Of course there's almost certainly a plot twist down the line where the Japan-analog is revealed to be at least as evil as the US-analog, if not more so, but showing the US as the bad guys at all is pretty taboo in the States. I mean, you can have X-Files deals where the government has been taken over by an evil conspiracy, but you generally don't see the US portrayed as evil when it's just pursuing its normal interests. I suspect that's a good deal of why the earlier FM games didn't make it over here. But for a game of FM3's apparent quality, I'd gladly put up with seeing a virtual army completely decimate a virtual Washington DC. Of course, as ID4 showed, that could be interesting even without the game.

Onward to the letters!

Sorry, Ian, but you're way too much man for me. I've got a long way to go before I can handle letters of your caliber, but I appreciate the compliment. And boxers, of course.

In addition to the two RPGs you mention, Vandal Hearts and Ogre Battle PSX both came out prior to FF7, but they were both double CD cases. If you count Castlevania:SotN as an RPG, then that's the first single case RPG, but my favored answer would be Final Fantasy Tactics.

While there's probably some interaction between the two I don't know about, "Seiken" means "Holy Sword" and "Densetsu" is "Legend", so Seiken Densetsu is Legend of the Holy Sword. While I don't remember the plot of Final Fantasy Adventure all that well, SK is a fitting title for Secret of Mana.

Xenogears is a hell of an experience, no question. I was totally wrapped up my first and only time though, and as far as characters and plot are concerned, XG ranks even higher with me than the Final Fantasies. But I can see the other side too - there were things I noticed that I thought could be annoying, even if I wasn't really paying attention to them. And I understand that people who couldn't make the jumps in Babel tower were scarred for life by the experience, although people should know that there are support groups for the victims. YOU DON'T HAVE TO FACE THE PAIN ALONE.

I think the problem with Xenogears it that its fans are fanatics. They love the game so much, they can't tolerate any criticism of the game, which makes them prime targets for people looking to mess with some heads. Honestly, if XG fans would calm down a bit, I think there'd be a lot less commentary on the game from the other side.

I stuffed and mounted the Sexalicious Award, of course. You don't think I'd let that thing run around live, do you? And yeah, I think the update time will generally be around 10-12 on weekdays. Even though my day job is very flexible, time-wise, I generally keep somewhat regular hours. I intend to do the weekend columns at least this first time through. So cower in fear, fools, and keep sending those letters.

To all of you who wrote in wondering if I would give out awards, or make funny clip art, the answer is no. I seem to be one of the few people on the internet completely incapable of drawing, or even cutting and pasting in Photoshop to good effect. What I can and will do, however, is create hagiographies for those who go above and beyond, as Eddie here has done. So stand back, folks, here comes some of the most blatant ass-kissing you've ever seen.

It is a tautology that mere words cannot describe Eddie's greatness, but it is up to us, as mere mortals, to attempt the impossible: to set forth, with the paltry array of 26 characters known as English, the glory and majesty that is Eddie. To know him is not to love him, it is to become overwhelmed by his genius, to stand trembling in awe of his command of wordplay and his knowledge of Final Fantasy Tactics. Not even Square's own programming team could have made an explanation of teleport so transparent to us, we worms who are not worthy to even witness Eddie's mighty Art.

And yet, witness we must, for how else can Eddie's brilliance propagate through the universe? It is not enough that Eddie's work has been committed to the Internet, where it will be stored and studied and worshiped for all time, we must make sure Eddie himself is able to propagate forever and ever. So if you are a female reader, I command you thus - go and seek out Eddie, and be fruitful and multiply with him. Let no mere relationship or marriage with another stand in your way, for it is Eddie and Eddie alone that is any woman's true destiny. Lo, I say to you that this path and this path alone will lead to a world of Eddie and Eddie-ettes, which is the closest we shall ever come to paradise. And we males will not sit idly by while this is going on, no! We shall endeavor to complete the great Human Genome Project, by which we will be able to store the genes of the great Eddie in perfect digital clarity, so that even as the shell of Eddie passes from this earth, Eddie shall never die. No, for I see a great army, a sea of Eddie clones that will walk the world until the end of time, and all will be good and light. This I say to you, in the love of all that is Eddie. Let it be so.

So, now that I've terrified each and every one of you (and that rant damn sure should have terrified you), let me point out that a masterpiece like the above doesn't come cheap, and it's only going to get more expensive as time goes on. Merely answering a question I can't get won't cut it anymore, you've really got to surprise me to knock that putz Eddie off of his high horse. So get to work, folks, because someday you too can be the King.

Certainly there's an origin for Siegfried's name. He's as much a borrowed archetype as Leviathan or Shiva, although like Shiva there's little of the original to be found in the FF version. Siegfried goes back a fair way in German myth, I believe, but the most famous Sieg is the one in Wagner's Ring Cycle operas. The story's way, way too complicated to go into here, but look it up sometime, it's interesting reading and the plot pops up in other places from time to time. The Siegfried in Soul Calibur isn't too far off the mark, at least appearance wise.

Remember, folks, Drew may be gone from the column, but he's not dead or anything. Tick him off and he will hunt you down and kill you in his free time away from making his feature film debut, "The Drewminator."

I've already got a Dreamcast, if that counts as a next-gen system. I was initially pretty excited about the PS2, but there haven't been any games out yet that interest me. I'm almost positive FFX & XI will change that though, and I'm also very interested in The Bouncer. Looks kind of like the original arcade version of Double Dragon with a plot, great graphics, and the production values of a Hong Kong action flick.

Closing Comments:

Once more, the letters were great. I'm sorry I didn't get more people in, but I've already been working on this thing for three hours. I either gotta type faster or get a less interesting reader base.

Still no suggested topic for tomorrow, so let me know whatever's on your minds. And like I said before, I'm gonna be doing the weekend this week, so get ready for the long haul. Later.

-Chris Jones, finally about to play FM3