See the Results

   The release of Metal Gear Solid (GBC) and Vagrant Story (PSX) so close together has sparked a few debates within the GIA. Andrew Vestal, die-hard Vagrant Story fan, and Nich Maragos, Metal Gear Solid worshipper, might very well have come to blows over whether Ashley Riot or Solid Snake was the bigger badass, had they not lived on opposite ends of the geosynchronous satellite.

   The two agents finally decided that it would be up to the readers to determine which of the heroes was more manly. The readers have spoken, and the results are in.

by Nich Maragos

Advance agents are for sissies.

   It's hard to see why you'd need a whole list of arguments to convince people that Solid Snake is more of a badass than Ashley Riot. Just look at their names. Solid: hard, unbending, virile. Proven. Snake: tricky, slippery, lethal. Dangerous. Ashley Riot sounds like nothing more imposing than a girls' tea party gone out of control.

Challenge? What challenge?

   Snake was one of the first badasses in videogames. He's been doing his thing since 1985, which makes him much more experienced than Ashley. He can tackle any mission without special powers or magic; indeed, he's rarely begun an operation with more than his fists and a pack of cigarettes. He prefers to rely on his wits and cunning rather than killing everything in sight, although he's no slouch when it comes to combat--this is the man who routinely takes out Russian gunships and three-story bipedal death machines singlehandedly.

I wish I could get away with this.

   Years of doing this have honed Snake into an efficient, waste-no-time machine. In conversation, he's focused with such laserlike intensity on his mission that any attempt at protest or digression will be quickly cut off and corrected. Got misgivings about your responsibilities? Snake doesn't care. Having regrets about the past? Snake doesn't care. Broken leg? Missing hand? Tight butt? Well ... maybe Snake would care about that last one.

No one ever says this to Ashley Riot.

   Okay, he definitely would. No matter how few hours are left until the terrorists' deadline, Snake always has time to hit on his female field contact. Or his female radar expert. Or the female medical supervisor. Or, for that matter, any woman in sight. Where you or I would probably just be slapped and earn a reputation as a chauvinist, Snake wins every time.

That about sums it up.

   Even his enemies respect and admire him. "In battle," notes Vulcan Raven, "he is as if possessed by a demon." "You are a highly skilled warrior," compliments Psycho Mantis. Even Liquid briefly comments upon the seeming futility of what he's trying to do, acknowledging that Snake has all the dominant warrior traits found in the human genome. This is later shown to be a mistake, but who would you call a bigger badass--the perfect soldier, or the man who defeats that perfect soldier? Smarter, stronger, colder, and with a much better haircut, Snake would beat the tar out of Ashley and then be too stoic to laugh about it afterwards.

by Andrew Vestal

This isn't just talk. He really is.

   My distinguished colleague has made the fatal mistake of assaulting Ashley Riot's first name. Has he forgotten the badass who would wipe the floor with Snake and Riot? I speak of none other than Bruce Campbell's immortal Ashley J. Williams, or "Ash" for short. And while he worked in housewares, Riot (as most people call him) is an elite member of an special forces unit with a 30% survival rate. But Riot comes back every time, because he's that good. And an overtly phallic name like "Solid Snake" is a bit too obvious cover for other ... shortcomings. Snake's women habitually leave him before the next game starts, forever unsatisfied.

That means no pierced-lip pansies.

   Riot's arsenal easily tops Snake's. Any pansy can point an automated weapon in an opponent's vague direction and pull a trigger, but it takes a real man to cleave an opponent in two with a great axe or lacerate their body with a series of agile dagger swipes. His brutal efficiency leaves no time for childhood sob stories; when Ashley offs someone, they stay dead. And Snake's girly slaps can only hope to knock out a guard for a few seconds. Ashley's fists kill men dead.

This is how he treats someone on his side.

   In the middle of life-and-death situations, Snake spends more time on the phone than a giggling middle-schooler. He can't cross the street without calling Campbell and asking permission first. Ashley Riot works alone: no whiny nature boys, no pacifist commies, and most of all no Otacon. As a Riskbreaker, he starts his missions alone and finishes them alone. Not because he's a loner, but because he kills anyone--friend or foe--who gets in his way.

Calloooo, nurse!

   Unless, of course, that person is an attractive woman. Ashley is more than willing to go out of his way to save an hottie like Callo Merlose, and he'll forever venerate the memory of his beautiful, slain wife. But he doesn't waste time flirting. As a single-minded killing machine who has "locked away [his] soul," he's too busy being a badass to make time for extracurricular activities.

Well, duh.

   If you want a "badass" who spends his time sulking in shadows, hiding from his opponents, and preaching non-violence, then Solid Snake is your man. But if you want a hero who thirsts for battle, isn't afraid to fight, and always emerges victorious, then the choice is clear: Ashley Riot.

The Results

   In the end, of course, there could be only one. Everyone knows the best way to determine relative badassity is to pit the two in question against each other in a fight to the finish. Our winner Edward LaRusic has done this, and shown enough economy of style in his recounting of the fight that one might consider the man something of a badass himself. Here it is:

   Edward's was far from the only intriguing entry, though. Here are some favorite excerpts from the runners-up, as well as some just plain weird examples of reasoning:

IN DEFENSE OF

   And finally, there was AquaFina4Life's entry, which was too long to include in the running but was far too creative to go ignored: American Bad Ass - Solid Snake edition.

   But don't think that Ashley Riot went undefended. While our favorite entry was praise for Solid Snake, in the end, more readers spoke out in defense of Ashley Riot. Here's what you had to say about the world's most fearless Riskbreaker (and a certain Fox Hound member):

IN DEFENSE OF

   Ashley has a long-form entry in his defense, too. But instead of lyrical rap, Ashley gets a pie-eating contest.

   Not everyone chose Snake or Ashley, however. A few lone wolves struck out into uncharted write-in territory, believing that their badass could best even our two in battle. Here are some of the more creative "non-traditional" entries.

   Nich and Andrew would like to thank everyone who entered the contest; we enjoyed reading the entries. May you be a badass in whatever you do in life!