Badass Pie Eating Contest by John Hummel I thought long and hard about this one, and realized that the only way to settle this contest fair and square was to put the two men into a contest that would truly decide the winner. So welcome to the first ever...Badass Pie Eating Contest! (From the commentator's booth) Commentator: Hi, I'm Steve, and welcome to the Badass Pie Eating Contest! Well, this is shaping up to be quite a contest! We have on one side, the Sultan of Sneaking, Solid Snake. Snake, how do you feel today? Snake: ... Steve: That's great, Snake. Think you'll win the contest? Snake: I have my orders. Steve: Well, that's what we always say. And on the other side we have the Souless Wonder, Ashley Riot. Ashley, you're looking fit. Ready to go? Riot: ... Steve: (laughing) You said it! And what's your take on the contest? Think you'll need any reinforcements? Riot: I'm just a man good at what he does. Steve: All right then, let's go. Gentlemen, we have here 20 assorted pies, from strawberry to chocolate. Whoever eats the most pies in one hour is the winner! On your marks, get set, go! (There is a sudden flurry of pastry and fruit through the air as the men move, their eyes drifting over the pie tins.) Steve: Wow, what a contest! Look at those two go! Oh, wait, it looks like Snake has paused. Yes, he's- he's talking on his communicator? What is he doing? We have Bob on the floor! Bob: It seems that Snake is checking in with the other operatives on his mission for briefings. He's talking to Mei Ling right now, and, yes, he's now hitting on her, using sexual references to pie in different ways! What is he thinking? Steve: I don't know, but- what on Earth is he doing now? He's vanished! Bob: Steve, I don't believe it. Snake has vanished underneath several cardboard boxes. It seems that he doesn't like to have people see him when he eats, so he's gone into hiding. Steve: Amazing. In the meantime, Ashley Riot is going through those pies like there's no tomorrow. But- what's this? (Sounds of forks hitting pie tins). What's up with Riot? He's getting pie all over his face! Bob: It looks like Ashley is using his Chain Attacks to rip through the pies at super speed! The problem is, the more of his Chain Attacks he uses, the more his Risk meter grows, and the more inaccurate he becomes! He's at a Risk level of 75% now, and he's missing his mouth more than he's hitting it! Steve: Looks like he's put down his fork a moment to get his Risk level down. Let's check in with our other correspondant Tami and see what's happening. (The camera focuses on a cardboard box. Moans can be heard.) Steve: Well, it looks like Tami's getting the inside scoop from Snake. Let's check back with Bob. Bob: It's over! It's all over! Riot has just unleashed his ultimate Risk Breaker Fork Attack, Prong Pain Inflict Supreme! He's shoved all 10 remaining pies into his stomach at once! Let's go talk to him. (Camera focuses on Ashley Riot, his stomach sticking out like a pregant woman.) Bob: Riot, you've won the match! What do you have to say for yourself? Riot: ... (Leans over and pukes). Bob: You said it! Steve: And there you have it. By the Pie Eating Contest Rules, Ashley Riot is the ultimate Badass! Thanks for coming, and good night!