This thing that we are calling art - December 30th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Strange and abstruse. Don't say we didn't warn you.
You may not realize this, but I, my friends, am an artist. For quite some time, I've been pinning down my rampant creativity so that I could write "regular" prose and humor for this mainstream column in order to entertain the subset of Philistines reading it who could not possibly accept something a bit out of the ordinary, let alone artistic. But I realize that not all of you are the close-minded heathens of which I speak. I understand that at least a few of you could descry and appreciate the underlying power and beauty inherent in my more inimitable work. And it was for both myself and these people that I chose to allow my inner-spirit to flow unfettered as I wrote today's column, concentrating not on what the public would think.
Today's column was initially going to be a large scanned image of a piece of college-ruled loose-leaf notebook paper that I had vomited upon. It was meant to symbolize my disgust with the modern day educational system, which insists on emphasizing and rewarding rote memorization and regurgitation of useless trivia, rather than teaching children how to think. Sadly, the other, less enlightened, members of this assemblage of uninspired idiocy going by the name of "The GIA" felt that it would be unappreciated, and "frighten off" potential readers. Talk of drumming me out for my free-spirited nature ensued, and I had little choice but to concede defeat.
So today is yet another of the same rubbish which you have been reading for months now. I hope that this amuses you.
| A big ol' list |
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Dammit, I miss ONE column and its the topic I wanted to respond to. I'd like
to respond to YESTERDAY'S topic of "List of 99" because it's always fun to
post a list even though no one really cares about your opinion. Hey, you
gotta print this letter. I have a cool name, Clyde Hudman! Besides, you seem
to post Ian P.'s letters every other day (whom I suspect is a member of the
GIA, am I right?). Note: the list is in descending order. Remember that.
Note: to PC gamers. Don't get mad because there are no PC games on the list.
I'm not really a big PC gamer, so I haven't played any worthwhile PC games
in a while. Also, I haven't played Gran Turismo 2 yet, so don't flame me!
Another thing, Tekken Tag Tournament was 11.
10. Donkey Kong 64 - N64
Pretty much the only thing worthwhile on the N64 this season, DK 64 is a
beautiful platformer with enormous, well designed levels and comfortable (if
familiar) controls.
9. Super Smash Bros. - N64
This certainly surprised me. I expected a cute Nintendo cash in, but got the
best fighter on N64 and an addicting multiplayer game. Simple to get into
but gameplay that will suck me in for years to come
8. NFL 2K - Dreamcast
Now THIS is what a sports game should be. TWO commentary announcers that say
over at least 1000 phrases, plus incredible (and realistic) tackle
animations (ex. a low tackle and a tackle to the head don't have the same
animation) and a flawless passing game, NFL 2K is only set back by a running
game that depends WAY too much on the stiff arm.
7. Silent Hill - Playstation
The first truly scary game. Haunting visuals, innovations like a flashlight,
and truly scary sound and music plus a hero that WASN'T a Superman, Silent
Hill pushed the horror genre to the extreme.
6. Driver - Playstation
The mission-based driver drove its way into my book of classics with
outstanding controls (ex. 180 turns are easy to pull off using one button),
impressive level design, and nice music that went perfect with the setting.
5. Dino Crisis - Playstation
Just another Resident Evil clone? I think not. The true 3D environment,
innovative key/password puzzles, and big shocks set this apart from the
rest.
4. R4 Ridge Racer - Playstation
Forget Gran Turismo, Ridge Racer is THE best racing series of all time. R4
continues the tradition with all the unrealistic slides, outstanding track
design, and wonderful visuals that we all love.
3. Soul Calibur - Dreamcast
The best fighting game ever made. Period.
2. Final Fantasy 8
I could fill this entire page with praises for this game, but I'll try not
to. Final Fantasy 8 is far and away the best FF yet. The story is
absoulutely beautiful, with it's brilliant use of symbols (the black and
white feathers and the pink petals) and hidden, interconnected stories (A
being B's father and C being D's mother, although it would have been better
if A being B's father was less hidden and A was more developed). Many people
played this and were disappointed when there weren't any exciting epic
scenes or stories. They expected FF7 and instead got something totally
different. That's because FF7 was an action story with dramatic elements,
while FF8 was a drama with action elements. In FF7 the drama was used to
drive the action. In FF8, the action was used to drive the drama. The best
part about FF8 was that, for the first time truly, a Final Fantasy depended
on character development rather than THE END OF THE WOOOORLD!!! Whoops, I'm
going out of topic again.
1. Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver - Playstation
Surprise! I'm surprised this wasn't on many people's top 10 lists. I guess
no one appreciated the extremely minimal loading times, extremely brilliant
puzzles and level design (I can go into a whole page on how brilliant the
dimension shifting is), and flawless controls, this title is truly the Zelda
of 1999.
-Clyde Hudman
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This list was in-depth and descriptive. It inspired me. Despite the fact that it was in regards to yesterday's topic, I was so moved as to post it in today's column. And now this response has come to an end.
| I curse The Man |
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Hmm.. Squares conference, I guess I'd like to see Mystic Quest 2, Secret of
Evermore Remix, and more shoddy, half assed, mascot driven Chocobo games. Or
if they could start making RPGs based on psychadelic, anti-government
cartoons. Or a sequel to one of their more obscure titles, like Rad Racer, or
Deep Dungeon.
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I would also enjoy seeing Square come to realize the lack of need for such oppressive governmental systems as we have today. It may surprise you to know that at my time spent attending Kent State during the 60s, I was rather vehemently opposed to the federal government. In fact, here's a piece of work that I made during the time.
| I see Ian P. |
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That Eggman...I could tolerate his antics before, but this is too
much...I draw the line at being called 'nipple-deprived'. Oddly I like
'arrogant son of a bitch' though.
What announcements do I want to hear?
New Parasite Eve title to have "Lingerie System".
Vagrant Story to include Sydney Nude Scene. What a hot babe, am I right?
Final Fantasy IX to combine the best parts of Chocobo Racing, Chocobo's
Dungeon, and SaGa Frontier.
Chrono Cross to be translated as the first video game Musical.
Alright, I'm done.
~Ian P.
P.S. It's not the new millennium mathematically speaking, N64 has no
RPGs, and 3D platforming...Well, two out of three, I win anyway. YOU
SUCK. No wait...Y0u $ucK. That's better.
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All of those ideas are absolutely ingenious and fresh, Ian. Because of this, a corporate entity such as Square would never expend some of its precious "R and D" funds on implementing them. They're perfectly content to appease the simpering masses with lackluster mainstreamist rubbish. Below you will find a piece I created in early 1978 which expresses my feelings towards the many corporate empires which are slowly taking control of our reality.
| Nobody cares |
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The things I'm looking forward to are as follows:
(1) The possible announcement of Chrono Trigger for release in the US.
Yeah, the event is in Japan and all, but one can hope...
(2) FFIX screens and story info; with possible release dates
(3) The announcement for an actual RPG for the PS2. Sure, Bouncer and
X-Fire or whatever it is look impressive, but where have all the RPG's
gone?
(4) Info on the FF movie, because well, there hasn't been much lately.
Oh, and Drew, the millinium doesn't sta-... no, wait, I want this to get
printed. Never mind that I started to say anything about the next
millinium starting in 2001, not 2000.
-CTZanderman
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Did I not tell you that I wanted no more letters "informing" me of the fact that the next millenium technically begins in the year 2001? Why do you not respect me enough to abide by my simple wishes? You have displeased me. Below is a piece of work that I now dedicate to you entitled "I Don't Care When the Damned Millenium Starts."
| How systematic |
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Drew,
I just wanted to say that I can only pray that all that artwork we
saw some many months ago was part of the final (no pun intended) product of
FFIX. And I seem to remember that Square said they would be ending one of
their "pillar" series (Mana, Saga, Fantasy) and anouncing which one it would
be. I haven't really been paying much attention to any game-related news
lately, but isn't the anouncement still on? From what I've seen and from the
experience I've had with just about every Square game ever made, I hope that
they end the Mana series. I was never a big fan of the SNES original, Secret
of Mana, and I never liked any of the other Seiken Densetsu games (read:
they sucked IMO). Now we can wait in gripping anticipation of the Racing
Lagoon sequel! Whoo-Hoo (sarcasm interpreted wrong can be a big problem...)!
Other than what I've stated, I'm hoping for another Chocobo's Mysterious
Dungeon. CD2 was a damn cool dungeon crawler, and the 3rd should be cool.
Also, since I have no idea about continuity in writing and I know I should
have said this earlier, I can't wait to use the cool GF Junction/Job System
combo rumored to be used in FFIX. I thought the Junction system in FFVIII
was a great idea, but way too simple once you got the hang of it later in
the game and the Job System is well, the Job System. It's the system that
made FFV a better game than FFVI (FFIII) in many people's minds and one of
the only Square RPG systems to repeat in other games (FFIV, V, FFT and I
can't remember the others). A combination of the both: complexity+longevity
of FFV+a system for newbies to get into from FFVIII= a system for the
ages... and imagine being able to look like the GF... not to mention all of
the combinations available: Bahamut Red Mage, Doomtrain Samurai, Carbuncle
White Mage (it may even open up the idea of stranger Job Classes... Status
Mage, Artisan and Painter job class, anyone?)... it's amazing ideas like
that that make me grateful I got in RPGs to begin with. Good to day to you,
oh cynical and articulate one.
Later,
Monkey Fetus
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The supposed report of which you speak ended up being nothing more than an unsubstantiated rumor, and was essentially laughed at by Square. As for your idea for a more intricate junctioning system, it's definitely interesting, but I have a feeling that it would make some people's little heads twirl off of their necks and fall to the floor. Or something to that end which would signify extreme frustration. Perhaps with Final Fantasy Tactics II, should that ever come into fruition, such a system would be fitting, but with the FF series itself, Square wants to make sure that it's accessible by the masses. And I'll refrain from making another "corporate entity" crack because of the fact that Square is actually out to turn a profit.
| I can hardly wait! |
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Drew,
I want to see more Xenogears. That is the greatest, most
wonderful-est game I have ever had the enjoyment of taking days off work
so I could play.
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A lot of people would apparently agree, judging by the letters I received. Personally, there are certain things that I would enjoy more than a Xenogears sequel. Being tied down in the middle of the desert and left to die so that the vultures and other various scavengers could pluck off pieces of my flesh at their leisure, until I was nothing more than a sun-bleached skeleton, for example. But that's just me.
| A bad combination |
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Yo Drew,
I eagerly await this conference because had they not delayed it, we'd already
have seen some FMV shot of FFIX. Argh!
But anyway, I wanna see more than just FFIX at the conference...first and
foremost would be Xenogears 2. If they even hinted that they had one in
developement, upon first hearing the news, I would quit school, learn Kanji,
move to Japan, and become a shrimp farmer or something...screw the Second
Coming, I want more Xenogears!!
Now that I've horribly angered Jesus and pals, I must move on...I also wanna
see some screenshots of PSX2 games. Since I'm on such a crappy modem, I
still haven't been able to see movies of many PSX2 games in action...but
hopefully Square'll release some anyway.
-The Steve
P.S. Never mix Gatorade and vodka.
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You should try checking out one of the more recent issues of PSM, Steve. They've been all over the PS2 like pack of dogs on a three-legged cat. Sure, the pictures are just stills from movies that were on the 'Net around 2 months prior to the printing of the magazine, but that's the way of the gaming world these days.
| More Millennium Conference Madness |
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Dearest Drew, oh though holy tumult of night, wouldest though lead your less humble disciples to the "Holy Land" under your
god-like supervision? There, the suck up is complete. Anyway, the Square Millenium event will give me the feeling of
satisfaction to the gaming audience, I believe. I think (am I the only one here?) that Final Fantasy IX will be on the PS2, and
the supposed regular PlayStation release in Spring 2001 is a bluff. Already the Japanese release is rescheduled to Fall 2000,
and if history serves correct, the Japanese audience will have moved on by now, even if it's Final Fantasy. Other things for
the event are leaking out every day, like Bushido Blade 3, The Bouncer, Final Fantasy Tactics 2, and most impressively, The
Final Fantasy Complete Set. This is a heartening rumor I've heard twice now, and a PS2 game with every Final Fantasy (all with
cool add-ons like movies and art galleries) is the one I'm looking forward to most. That is all for now, and if this letter
sucks, admitted by the authors of all the printed letters, then I should fit the mold today.
The tired, bored, wasted, high, and drunk,
Omega Rat, otherwise known as "The guy who tries to get his letter printed every day"
P.S. Want fuel for the next Eggman bout (I'm glad you're back, you impotent bastard)? he was on IGN For Men awhile ago talking about watching beastiliality porn
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I don't know about the Japanese "moving on," quite frankly. Their undying desire to play the latest in the Dragon Quest series serves as an excellent example of just how long-suffering they can be. So long as Final Fantasy IX comes out before the year's end in Japan, which is highly probable, I don't see why it would be a problem for Square.
At any rate, there's not a doubt in my mind that it had initially been Square's intention to release FFIX for the PSX rather than the PS2. Whether or not this has changed to reflect the sudden changes to the gaming scene, thanks to the release of the Dreamcast and the impending release of the PS2, I couldn't tell you. A good point to make is that Square has always been one of the last companies to ditch a successful system for a less-established next generation console. Just look at how late in the game Chrono Trigger came out. Conversely, look at how long it took before Square finally began to develop for the Playstation. It's good business to stick with a system that already has millions of consoles in home throughout the world, especially since development time is nearly halved thanks to familiarity with the system's architecture.
So, in conclusion, blah blah blah.
| In the year 2000 |
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Greetings.
After inhaling a substance normally used to make women's hair another
color, I had a vision. I saw a three-headed giant holding a
press-conference in a brothel. The assembled press of the world knelt in
front of the giant, their voices chanting unholy names. Then the giant
lifted its pre-rendered hand, and the chanting stopped. Presently, the
giant spoke.
Although the sound quality of the vision could be compared to what in the
pre-Creative Labs Era was known as "PC Shitty Sound" I still managed
understand most of the giant's speech. This is what it said:
* Final Fantasy 1-8 will be collected on one DVD for the PS2. In a vain
attempt to appear witty, Square will call the collection"The Final Fantasy
Trilogy".
* Another "Chrono" game is in the works. The game will deal neither with
time nor other dimensions, but with speed and distances. The working title
is "Chrono Cross Xtreme Racing".
* Square has agreed to make games for Microsoft's X-Box only if Microsoft
changes the name to "The Square Box".
* The hero in FF9 will be called "Gygax".
* A game called "Chocobo Hunting" will be released in October 2000.
That's about it.
-Mister Purple Cat
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I'll append my own prediction to your first vaticination: In Japan, it will be called "Final Fantasy: Penultimate Collection" and will include all VIII of the titles in the franchise released up until this point. In America, all with the exception of VII and VIII will be dropped, and it will be called "Final Fantasy Anthology II."
Closing Comments:
Although I may be stifled on a daily basis, and forced to conform, I can still slip a little something unique into my columns on the occasion. I shall never be held down entirely. So, today's topic is something a bit reflective, in correlation with the sentiments and feelings surrounding the upcoming millennial changeover. As the year comes to a close, and you continue to age, do you feel that you are into gaming just as much as you have always been? Perhaps ever since the fateful day in which that Atari or NES controller was placed into your young hands, your affinity and fascination with gaming has only continued to grow. Newer games have kept you interested in the hobby that has so long been a part of your life, and whenever you're feeling nostalgic, you can still dust off a copy of Super Mario Brothers and give it a run-through.
Then again, maybe you've become increasingly jaded, and games simply fail to hold the same spell over you that they once had. Maybe you've begun to experience the "growing out of" process that every gamer fears. Maybe you believe that today's games simply lack the soul and the magic of the titles of yesteryear. Then again, maybe your feelings are more a combination of the two preceding examples, not falling strictly into one particular category. This, friends, is what I would like to know. So, discuss, and by all means, write to me.
One final note, for those of you who are incapable of detecting when I am being blatantly facetious: today's column was specifically designed to entertain myself. If you think that it sucked, that's cool. In two days we'll all be living off of stale Captain Crunch and crouching around flaming trash barrels for warmth, in hopes of prolonging our lives as long as possible despite the fact that the sun went offline. So I'm not that worried.
-Drew Cosner
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