The best of the rest - December 28th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Come closer, Donkey, and I'll show you how to use your instrument. Don't say we didn't warn you.
There are games. And then there are the games that cause you to blow hours at a time playing them -- you can't bring yourself to put the controller down other than to take necessary bathroom breaks, and even those are done in a rather non-hygienic rush. Games that remind you why it is that you're a gamer. Games that make you stand up and shout, "thank God I didn't spend that fifty bucks on the 'How to Become a Gigolo in 2 Weeks' instructional video set!"
However, games of this caliber are few and far between; very few are released within the time span of a year. It is for this reason that today's column is devoted to the greatest titles of 1999. Now, I realize that I spend a lot of my time beating you readers into submission through my gratuitous use of sarcasm and mockery so that you put up minimal resistance when I pry your mouths open and shove my unwarranted opinions down your throats. So, I figured that I may as well compensate you by allowing you to make your own personal opinions heard. So, today's column focuses on what yuy all felt were the five best games of 1999. So, time to get this show on the road. Letters don't insult themselves.
| Coming or going? |
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Drew,
I was just going through the Merchandising section on the main page, and was
looking at Front Mission 3 and it said "hopes of an English translation were
quelled when Square announced the series will continue to remain exclusive to
Japan," but on the sidebar it said Release Date Spring 2000 and below that in
the news section it said Front Mission 3 US release confirmed. So, um, which
is it? Is it coming or not, because I thought it looked pretty cool.
-Big McLargehuge
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Square recently announced that Front Mission 3 would, in fact, see the light of day in the West, and as you can probably guess, it will be released sometime in the Spring of 2000. See, miracles do occur.
| All in jest |
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Dear Cosman,
When I said that the women's vote meant jack, I meant that it really didn't help bring about equality between the sexes during the earlier part of the 20th century. The Progressive Movement actually hindered the women's movement, because those male chauvinists could now say (after the enactment of the 19th amendment) "Hey we gave you the vote, now you're equal," and stop and that. I apologize for my previous brevity, but that's what I meant. To be fair, there were some sanitation reforms too during the Progressive Era, but that's about it. Sorry I wasn't clear - it makes a big difference I guess.
-Valinoru
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Hey, it was only fair of me to allow you to explain yourself, Valinoru. I'd also fear the wrath of the myriads upon myriads of female gamers out there who you may have angered due to your accidental lack of clarity.
| Be true to thyself |
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Hello, Drew. No spoilers in this letter, unless you're an uptight little bitch. [I am, but I'll let it slide this one time. -Drew]
I beat Chrono Cross the other day. Unfortunately, the ending consisted of credits and various scenes from the game, all in FMV form.
Damn. And I was really looking forward to it, too.
I'm afraid that I'm becoming what everyone who plays videogames is afraid of becoming: Jaded.
That's right. Completely, totally, and utterly jaded. The thrill of playing games has just vanished for me, and I've been playing ever since I was four. I have no idea where it went, or how it left me. It could have been when I realized that the N64 sucked, or that gaming (A term which I am sick of hearing, by the way) is revolving way, way too much on opinion alone. That's right, my personality has been blown to the four winds because of other people's opinions, and I'm sick of it. I'm on IRC frequently at #icons_of_msnc with Lago, Sak, and Austen, and as I'm afraid of not being accepted, I stupidly concede with their opinions on video games and whatnot.
Austen: Pistolero has GOT to be the best Frank Black album ever.
* Lobstaboy (DUH@paulbunyan.net) has joined #Icons_Of_msnc
*Sak sets mode: +o Lobstaboy
Me: Hey, guys! I just got Ape Escape!
Lago: Ape Escape blows
Here we see one of my best Internet pals disagreeing with one of my opinions. Keep in mind that this is an example, and I honestly don't know if Lago likes Ape Escape, but he and Sak and the rest have a grudge against 3D platformers in general. I, however, like 3D platformers, and get the maximum enjoyment out of playing them, so Ape Escape was a screaming orgasm for me. Metaphorically, of course. Yeah, that's it....
Me: It's okay, like Banjo-Kazooie, it has its moments.
Sak: Uh, okay, but I think it sucks.
Now I'm being confronted with two opposing opinions. If this were an after-school special, I would just say "No" and be done with it, but unfortunately, peer pressure has to rule out in this scenario. Let's watch, shall we?
Me: Yeah, it does.
BUM BUM BUM! No, Lobst! Stay golden! Don't throw your life away with the horrors of marijuana! Get high on spirit if you know what's good for you!
Me: It sucked more than Pac-Man World. Butt stomp? More like ASS DROP! LOLOROFLOFLROFLRLOFOOMAO!!!! :))))
Anyway, I'm planning on taking a break from video games for a while, for about a month. Then I'll get a WonderSwan and a Japanese PS2 when it comes out.
Please print this. I just woke up, so it's understandable if it sucks.
-Cedric "Lobster? Nearly killed her!" Henry
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Believe me, if anyone can understand your plight, it would be me. I'm a huge Nintendo fan working for an RPG site. You can imagine the kind of flak I have to deal with on a daily basis because of that. I think I've had the lack of RPGs for the N64 pointed out to me approximately twice per day since I became the host of this column, and it really, truly begins to wear on your nerves. And not only that, but I like 3D platformers. A lot. I think that they're great, dammit. And nobody can change that. So, Cedrick, if nothing else, you have my empathy.
I say stick to your guns, my friend. In fact, allow yourself to be genuinely insulted by such sentiments. It requires a nearly-religious fervor just to be a platforming fan these days. If nothing else, 3D platforming fans can ban together. Everyone who dislikes them can go play pretty versions of the same shit that they've been playing for years, that's just fine with me.
| List #1 |
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First of all, i would just like to vent about the ten best game list in
PSM. I kinda felt that list was a joke. but anyway.
Number one would have to be, of course, Final Fantasy VIII. Everyone
thinks that the series is going downhill, but i don't know if i've ever
played a better made game. And there aren't even as many random attacks as
in the earlier games, so everyone can just stop their bitching.
No. 2 would probably be Resident Evil: Nemesis. I'm a big fan of the RE
series so this game just made me so happy. I remember being crushed when
capcom announced that another RE game probably wouldn't make it to the psx.
but the nemesis was a very welcome and scary addition.
No. 3 would have to be Silent Hill. There was a lot of familiarity in
this game. That might be why i enjoyed it so much. But i also liked new
things like the cool suspenseful music. It wasn't exactly a RE, but still
ranks up there.
No. 4 would go to Gran Turismo 2. I can't believe that PSM gave R4 a
better score than this game. This game has everything i could want. All and
all it's just a really well made game.
No. 5 would be either Tony Hawk or Driver. This is kind of a toss up.
They're both great games though. I guess I'd pick driver just to make it the
"top 5." oh well there ya have it. I should be working for PSM. They'd have
a more respectable list.
-The Spelling Bee
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I love Silent Hill. Good choice for your list. That game is like Resident Evil with 95% of the campiness removed.
| List #2 |
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5 best games of the year would have to be not in a paticular order.
Guitar Freaks(import) -When I first heard bout this game months before
its release it sounded cool the day it came out to import stores. I
bought it few days later it arrived to my home poped it in also put in
anti mod chip code and played I was very impressed.
Lunar SSSC-After numerous delays it finally hit a remake of a 2D classic
while it wasnt worth the wait it sure was one of this years best.
Star Ocean :The Second Story-When I first saw this game way back in Fall
of 97' I was really excited about this game, finally after waiting almost
2 years it surely was not worth the wait but still was good.
SaGa Frontier 2(import)-I was exremely impressed at how Square has
improved the series just not from a graphical stand point but gameplay
and story.
Chocobo Dungeon 2-Well it just hit stores I got up and got it.Its really
good starts off slow but then picks up.
Honorable mentions-Jet Force Gemini,FF8,Final Fantasy
Anthlogy,Grandia,Resident Evil 3,Vandal Hearts 2, and so many more..
First of all I want to warn you Mr agent man and all the readers out there
should this be printed that no where in this letter (Except for here) will
there be any mention of anything involving Final or Fantasy. RPGs (in my
humble opinon) suck! If some three headed beast with a canon for one arm and
a possessed demon for the other is charging up his powers ready to blast me
all the way over to the next game am I going to stand there and wait for my
powers to charge? No! I am going to run like hell and fire a quantum death
ray from behind a steel-reinforced-magically-protected rock. Yeah yeah they
have great stories, read a book.
Now, the five greatest games of 99. Obviously this depends on opinion and is
limited to games I actually played (duh).
Resident Evil 3 (I cant get enough of those zombies, yeah yeah, Nintendo site
blah blah)
Soul Calibur (anyone denying the majesty of this game is seriously defective,
and I mean the Dreamcast version not that arcade crap!)
Perfect Dark (Oh wait, that didn't come out in 99, it was frigging delayed
again god-fucking-dammit!!!!!)
Pokemon Snap/Super smash brothers (These are the only Nintendo titles that
come close to being on this list and although Pokemon Snap sounds like the
stupidest game ever it's strangely addictive once you've played it. SSB is
the best multiplayer game ever since Goldeneye)
Metal Gear Soild (Duh)
These may not be the five greatest but they are five of the best. I know what
your thinking, where Zelda? In the store, wrapped in plastic behind glass,
unpurchased where's it's going to stay.
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Man, Zelda is like 45% of the reason you own an Nintendo 64. An N64 without Zelda is like a car with now wheels, or beef jerky without pig excrement and sawdust. Or something.
| Don't give up your day job |
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Drew, I don't know you very well, but you are a certifiable choad. Your
column sucks ass, your column's fans suck ass, Ian P, (the arrogant son of a
bitch whose letters get printed in your column every day probably due to
some homosexual affiliation with the GIA), sucks ass, you once said my
grudges against your damn column lack substance...well, your whole fucking
webpage lacks substance, cause you think your so goddamn funny, and it's
pathetic...you might as well make it into a pathetic jokes column where your
nipple-deprived fans can compete over who makes the corniest jokes...(for
example....ho ho ho, I am trying to rectify the car I crashed into my
neighbor's mansion, my neighbors now call me what? answer...Mr.
Rectum...get it? Mr. "wrecked them"? ho ho ho, i am now funny and
considered cool by Drew and his fellow dumbasses) And yes, did the world of
video games deny your appetite for history? What the fuck is this
progressive shit? If you're not going to start a decent column, with decent
letters and responses, why don't you just shove the whole bit up your
assleg? Sure, don't print this cause it just might contain a kernel of
truth, and thus, render the self-esteem level of Drew and Co. to drop below
that of a humptified beaver. Sure, don't print this cause it's not relevant
to video games or gay men or the origin of penises. Sure, don't print this
cause it's not written by a self-conceited moron who can make up some dumb
one-liner, and send it to the "Almighty Drew" so he can put it up on his
webpage, so the other homos that read the page may get sexually aroused or
say "ho ho ho, dat funny, dat made me wanna suck mo penis." Sure, don't
print this cause it might hurt Ian P.'s feelings and ruin his weekend with
his grandma. But you know what? I don't give a fuck, cause to the people
who actually have a life and aren't gay, (statistically 90% more than the
gay people who don't have lives), your column sucks ass will remain forever
suckass.
-Eggman and Kickfire
P.S. ho ho ho, i can be like Drew's male lesbian friends, and include a
P.S. message
P.P.S. ho ho ho, i can include more adjectives about Drew that I failed to
mention in duh letta (shitlick, cuntbag, fruitsickle, pissbrained, choad,
logcup, penis crack, immigrant bastard, homo, whiteethug)
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Hey Eggman, it's been a while. I was starting to worry that you may have accidentally found something worthwhile to do with your time. Or that your severe mental retardation had finally progressed to the point where typing was no longer a possibility, and you'd ended up getting a job as a cashier at the local K-Mart with all of the others in your condition. However, you've put my troubled mind to rest by making your stunning reappearance. And not only that, but you're still the same old Eggman that we've all come to know and love. You still have difficulty determining when to use those pesky homonyms "your" and "you're," and you still compensate for your morbidly limited vocabulary through the use of gratuitous swearing.
As for being a certifiable choad, I'm afraid that's simply not the case. Although the community college offers associates degrees to become a certified dorkwad, asswipe, or pansy-ass, they didn't feel there was enough of a market for choads to justify the funds that would be spent on creating an entire training course. By the way, did you think of that joke all on your own, or did your special education teacher tell it to you?
Your intelligence level reminds me of someone who only narrowly missed electrocution from sticking his fingers into the ceiling light fixture because the rolling chair he was standing on rolled out of the window, sending shards of shattered glass into his face as he fell the 14 stories. Although there's probably an upcoming FOX special with your name written on it, that has crippled your ability to a letter worthy of being printed in this column. After all, the letters I post must meet certain levels of quality, which is something that's always been a hurdle for you. So you've resorted to sending in boring, uninspired rants that use every cliche trick in the book. You even suck at flaming. That's pretty sad, Eggman.
As such, I'm afraid that you're not worthy of being inducted into the Flamer's Corner. However, I'll be a nice guy and let you have a Dick Award as a consolation prize.
Remember, the Dick Award will not make you any more successful at the game of life, but it will leap about the room flamboyantly, and remind of you of its sexual preferences at least 4 times in every interview it conducts with the mainstream press.
Closing Comments:
With the new millenium approaching, Square's super-ultra-mega press release is swiftly approaching. Okay, so it's not truly the new millenium, we've been over this. The next person who writes in to "remind" me of this fact will find that I will mock him in the most merciless manner I can think of. I'd rather not have to think at all, and I'd like to believe that the average person who is in full charge of his mental facilities doesn't enjoy being made to look like a complete jackass, so hopefully that won't be necessary.
Anyhow, everybody who even pretends to like RPGs in order to impress all of their Magic: The Gathering buddies are more excited about the press conference than they were when the colored M and M they voted for was selected. So I ask you, what announcements and game information are you most hoping to see Square make an official announcement regarding at their millennial event? Feel free to say "Final Fantasy IX" so long as you mention a few other things as well.
-Drew Cosner
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