Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Just like a rhinestone cowboy, only gayer. Don't say that I didn't warn you.

So we meet again. In my constant endeavors to keep the humor, and hence the column itself, fresh, I must concoct many different ways to insure that the daily read will be a humorous one. And the opening paragraphs are the absolute most important aspect of this requirement. After all, these are like a first impression of sorts. Double Agent columns are like the geek who managed to weasle his way into a popular fraternity because all of the students with sports scholarships needed somebody to do their homework for them, and now he has to try to act natural at his first kegger without vomiting all over a cheerleader's blouse.

There are certainly other ways to create the illusion that my columns are enjoyable. I could pay actors to read off scripted "testimonials" into an answering machine, and then roll them during a commercial, claiming them to be actual readers. Although the heartfelt story of a Nebraska man who was going to commit suicide in order to remedy the depression brought on by insecurity in his physique until seeing what I look like would be convincing, taking the simple route just isn't me.

Unfortunately, I just couldn't think of anything to say in the opening paragraph, so I guess you're just going to have to do without one. I'm sure whatever otiose ranting I would've printed in the guise of an opening paragraph would have only served to insult your intelligence, anyhow.

It will be nice to see Square merchandising catalogs in the games themselves again, I'd have to agree. When I'm looking for the latest in obsessive fanboy fashion, having to bother sifting through the myriad of unsatisfactory import stores and online specialty dealers becomes a real hassle. And when you do manage to find what you're looking for, the prices tend to be a bit steep. I saw Squall's necklace for sale one time, but it retailed for the head of George Wendt on a silver platter. I tried to bargain the company down to my eternal soul, but I was informed that it was a hot item and there were those who more than willing to front the asking price.

It will be interesting to see whether or not Square will begin to sell soundtracks in addition to the obligatory chocobo stuffed toys, keychains, mugs, stickers, watches, posters, mud flaps, and spermicidal condoms. Perhaps including a soundtrack with the Final Fantasy Anthology was intended to serve as a bridge into doing just that.

I think that's deserving of a Smartass Award. I haven't handed one of those things out in quite some time, so what the hell.

Remember, wearing the Smartass Award without adhering to instructions printed on the warning label could result in such undesirable side effects as the inability to speak without your words coming out in a sarcastic and condescending tone. No matter what you say, it will sound as though you're being facetious, and everyone will soon grow tired of your lip.

Wearing the Smartass Award past the expiration date has been known to cause dizziness, nausea, fatigue, the sudden growth of superfluous appendages, the liquifying and eventual expulsion of vital organs through the skin's pores, and rash.

Sadly, the information people opt to share with me isn't always of particularly high quality.

I would've printed this letter even had you not attempted to be humorous. In fact, I should point out that the official spelling of Fozzie the Bear's trademark laugh is "wocka wocka." For the most part you've made some good observations. However, you've terribly oversimplified the plotline of Final Fantasy VI in order to make your point. FFVI dealt with more realistic dilemmas; both tangible struggles and human relationships. The characters in FFV served merely as vehicles to carry the storyline forward, whereas in FFVI they were the focus of the game.

In the end, FFV had a unique battle system, and the game's plot served to make sure that it was put to constant use. The battle system was undeniably the major focus of the game. With FFVI, the story and the characters were the focus of the epic; battles served to keep the player involved in between the game's many plot twists. As a matter of fact, the battle system was an extension of the storyline, as the espers were an integral part of both.

I encourage anyone who would to send letters further addressing this subject. Nothing against you, Alex, but when you bring something of this nature up, you have to be prepared for the inevitable rebuttals.

Oddly, most developers aren't particularly anxious to create games which will appeal solely to the highly limited group of female gamers and the gay community. Although the latter has been known to make otherwise sorry attempts at entertainment popular, such as the situation comedy "Will and Grace," I don't think that the same would apply to video games.

Although your dismissal of reality is commendable, I may make mention that there are actual guys out there who are charming and sophisticated. Or so I've been told. I'm certainly not one of them.

Ruining Blue Earth isn't actually the true successor to Final Fantasy Tactics. It's more the spiritual successor, as both games share largely the same development team. The history of the employees responsible for these two titles is rather long and sordid, so I won't get into that. Suffice to say that many of the people who had worked on Final Fantasy Tactics have left to form a new company by the name of Maxfive, and they are currently at work on another title extremely similar to Tactics.

As for Xenogears II, it's still uncomfirmed. Again, a group of former Square employees who'd worked on Xenogears have left to join Monolith, a subsidiary company of Namco. In typical fashion, their first title is an RPG in the same vein as Xenogears.

You know, half the reason that I started Flamers' Corner was so that I could encourage more people to send me letters of disagreement. Debate and dissenting opinions make this column what it is, so I'm always looking for ways to encourage a confrontational and argumentative attitude in my readers. Well, that and I get to make myself look intelligent by replying to adament letters concerning gratuitously insignifigant gaming minutia using big words and scathing sarcasm, and get away with referring to the writer as a "flamer."

Unfortunately, this flame is just too unoriginal. We've got the usual accusations of homosexuality, the obligatory misuse of the caps lock key, and the liberal spattering of obsceneties, and that's all fine and good. After all, these are all necessary components of any working hate mail. But it's what you do once those required ingredients are in place that makes the flame enjoyable and interesting to read.

I'm afraid that this just won't do. No, this won't do at all. This isn't even good enough to earn a place in the Flamers' Corner. You can't even suck without screwing it up. Every second that you took out of your meaningless, aimless existence to compose this epistle (I'm such a freaking intellectual) has ultimately been a waste of your time; time which you can never have back.

I certainly hope that the theory of reincarnation is untrue. If it is a reality, you're wasting a perfectly good spirit that would be better spent on various dung beetles and rodents.

I've wanted to see a fully orchestrated, real audio soundtrack from Nobuo for quite some time. I'd love to see him take advantage of the upcoming systems' DVD formats create a redbook score for Final Fantasy X. Unfortunately, the number of songs that a Final Fantasy requires would have required more discs than a spinal column had they been done in redbook for the PSX. And soon that will no longer be a concern. Advancement in technology may mean that mean that someday both myself and my skills will be obsolete and worthless, and my family will smother me in my sleep to avoid skyrocketing nursing home costs and finally put an end to my grating sarcasm, but as long as I can get a redbook audio soundtrack from Nobuo, I'm all for it. Besides, I'm sure that I'll be the type of old man who sprays people with my garden hose and lets them know how ugly they are; I'll have it coming.

As for writing the soundtrack for the Final Fantasy Movie, information is hard to come by, and that is still a big mystery. I'd be surprised if there weren't at least a song or two contributed by him; he seems like the workaholic type.

As for retiring, well, I can see both sides to that argument. But who am I to hog all of the fun? I think that will make a dandy little topic for tomorrow's column. Don't you?

Closing Comments

Nobuo has churned out some of the finest tunes ever to grace a console video game. In fact, it is by the work of people such as himself that gaming has slowly begun to evolve. Eventually it will reach the point where it is no longer viewed as a frivolous recreational activity, but accepted as a bonafied forum of expression and artistry. When this will happen, no one can say for sure, but it will be by the devotion of men such as Nobuo that it will be accomplished.

Hey, that sounded a bit pretentious, didn't it? My closing comments can't be terse and entirely trite all of the time, you know. Don't worry, I'm sure I'll be wasting this section of the column on lame jokes and equally idiotic topics soon enough. For now, just keep your ass in that chair; I'm not done with you yet. I know that you'd rather write about why you'd like Gilgamesh to father your children, but specifying a topic is one of my small rituals.

Some people, however, have been less than satisfied with Mister Uematsu's recent works. Some feel that Final Fantasy VIII's soundtrack, while superior to most of the other games out there, simply didn't compare to his previous efforts. Has the time come for him to pass the reigns over to another composer, perhaps Yoko Shimomura? Or do you feel that Nobuo has continued to experiment with different styles, and he still has much more to offer as the technology improves and he's free to create whatever sounds he could possibly imagine?

Writing about that will bring you happiness. But if that's too much of a hassle, just toss some rupees into the fairy's pond. That's been known to bring happiness, as well.

-Drew Cosner