The results are in! - October 24, 1999 - Andrew Kaufmann
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. I clipped my toenails today. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Don't say we didn't warn you.
Thanks to you all for boosting my ego, even though some of you
took it upon yourselves to not boost it! Now, a lot of you sent in letters with
your submissions, and I've thought long and hard about how to best organize this so
as to get the most pictures and comments up. Actually, I just started thinking about
it a minute ago, and I don't have a good idea yet, so I'll just do it in a pretty
lame way. Thanks to you all for submitting!
| Algus' birthday wish |
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Dear AK,
It'sa me, Algus!
October 21 was my 20th birthday, and my fiancé picked that day to tell me she didn't love me anymore, and could I please drive her back to Ohio. I don't think I need to explain that I was crushed. As I drove her home, I watched my future fall apart before my eyes. I have been miserable for days. My body looks like the tree in my yard. Thin, bereft of leaves, and appearing like it's going to die sometime in December when we get the first 6-foot snow fall here in Michigan.
Really, this letter is just a shameless plea to all the girl-gamers out there to give me a date. I'm not fantastically attractive-- just cute. In fact, I'm excessively thin. I can't sing. I don't play in a band. I can play just about any instrument, however. I've won several awards and have travelled all over the country playing piano and organ concerts. I have also received several awards for my debates and oratories. I tutor in English and History, too. I have lots of merits. DATE ME.
A.K., you are obligated to post this letter up, 1) as a birthday present to me, and 2) because, well, I had a really crappy b-day, and maybe you can be a part of rectifying it. Oh yes, it goes have something to do with video games. Watch this.
Final Fantasy 1, 3, 5: Not so Great plot / New and innovative battle systems
Final Fantasy 2, 4, 6: Excellent plot / Conventional battle systems.
My theory? Er... I don't really have one. It really only applies to the less-recent Final Fantasy games. What do you think? Tell me? Am I the only person who believes that FF5 lacks plot as much as a Pauly Shore movie?
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Well, I must say that you've had a rough week or so. Quite rough. If posting your
letters puts a little shine into your day, then I'm all for it. The odd/even Final
Fantasy thing was intentional... Square did it that way on purpose, I believe. It
looks like they've departed from that, though.
| Ian P's entry |
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Dear AK'ums,
I wanted to give you Pom Poms but I couldn't really think of a way to do
it...I figured I wouldn't be the only demented soul to slap your face on
Luck Dan's, so I thought I'd add a special something.
Ooo, Xena's on!
-Dr.ToMuchTimeOnHisHands
Also Known As
~Ian P.
P.S. First one to guess what perfume is my favorite gets to spend a wild
weekend in the Bahama's with me. Bring your latex underwear.
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Get Ian P's submission here.
It's pretty cool, overall, but somehow me as a scarecrow doesn't really boost my
ego. The cheerleader thing (even cheering for my favorite NFL team) is a nice
touch, though. I give it 3 AKs out of 5. By the way, I bet your favorite perfume is
Mango Mellony Supreme.
| The fake Ian P's submission |
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Wait, you mean this isn't a "Destroy AK's Ego contest?" Damn, and this pic would've been so perfect..
Thank You Drive Thru,
The Fake Ian P.
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Actually, I kind of like this submission. She's a very powerful person. I could like,
rule the world. I like it. I give it 3 and a half AKs.
| SquallLeonfart's submission |
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I found this funny picture of a non-GIA webmaster getting funky at a party, and decided that it would be even cooler with your head on it.
AK's head makes everything cooler!
Enjoy.
SquallLeonfart
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This frightens me. It's too realistic. Why
am I clutching my drink like that? This doesn't boost my ego at all. You get 1 AK.
| tom's submission |
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I thought melding your (Andrew Kaufmann's) visage with the body of an on-stage, guitar wielding Peter Buck was the perfect way to stroke your ego. You get your personal booster by having your likeness stamped onto a cornerstone of the Most Important Band In The History Of Music [R.E.M.], but at the same time it's the one band member singled out for his inherent simplicity (and big finger). You can play a mean tune, but you also need an abacus to count the astronomically un-high number of chords in most of your songs! (Just look at the mask of consternation on your face as you struggle to make the transition from a D to a G.) To me, nothing more soundly epitomizes the essence of Andrew Kaufmann.
Admiringly,
tom
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tom gets big props for putting with me a guitar, and even more props for putting my
head on the body of an R.E.M. band member, my favore music makers in the world.
tom's submission gets 5 AKs out of 5.
| Pokeytax's submission |
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I think the picture says it all.
--
Pokeytax
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Turning me into THE MAN is a surefire way
to win brownie points, but more than one person did it. So, I'm afraid I can
only give you 4 AKs. Very flattering, though.
| Another submission |
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You asked for it you did.. I think you might like it..
-The Devil You Know
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This one gets 3 AKs. I like money as much as
the next guy, but it's such a material thing. And whoever belongs on the $20 bill
probably isn't too happy.
| Fujin's Secret Admirer's submission |
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I found this picture somewhere and I thought it looked a little like you,
only better and cooler. His name is Mike Mills or something.
Fujin's Secret Admirer
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I love this one! Mike Mills is the cool looking
bassist for R.E.M., he rocks the house. My favorite musician on the planet. Fujin's
Secret Admirer gets a perfect score of 5 AKs. Mike Mills is just too cool!! He basses,
he sings lead and backup, he lead guitars, he pianos, he plays accordion, he plays
saxophone... what more can you ask for? What a man!
| An unsigned submission |
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You're the real thriller, baby.
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Good solid submission. The paintbrushed hair is a nice touch, and being compared
to musical people always boosts my ego, even if I'm not a fan of that particular
artist's music. 3 AKs.
| My sultan of funk's submission |
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Hey there Big Kaufarama
You asked for a sexy picture of yourself, and here it is. Rest assured, I have scoured the Internet for a more attractive body than this---I have been into porno shops around the world asking for a greater physique---and none exists.
I haven't attached your head to this body because: (1) I have no skill in those areas, preferring to leave messy work like that to surgeons or graphics artists; and (2) there's a slight chance it may ruin what is already a work of art.
Without any further ado, I present to you: "Andrew Kaufmann---THE MAN"
Your sultan of funk
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Unfortunately, this idea was used more than
once, but I'll post it anyway just for kicks. The text was just so flattering!
Thanks man! I'll give you 4 AKs.
| Omega Rat's Pic |
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Hey Andrew, here's a picture of yourself, you stud. I had some fun
making this thing and it's created solely to make people laugh. Get a
picture of Drew or somebody else on the site and I'll mess with their
picture too.
Omega Rat
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The red sunglasses in this submission are
an interesting touch, but the cigarette just won't do. I don't approve of smoking.
Smoking is bad! Don't do it! Sorry, only 2 AKs for this one.
| And last, but not least... |
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Hello.
Attached is my entry designed to "boost your ego" as you yourself said.
Enjoy!
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This picture gets the award for most effective use
of two colors and stick figures. 4 AKs!
Closing Comments
Thanks guys for all the fun submissions! My ego is truly boosted! Today's letters
had very few actual letters, which I'm sure Drew will rectify tomorrow. Well,
he'll try, anyway... but he can only do it with your help! Send him letters!
-Andrew Kaufmann
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