Alas, alack, and other crap - June 22nd, 1999 - Allan Milligan
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Don't say I didn't warn you. :)
Today is Poetry Day at Double Agent, where I share my poetic skillz with one and all, and give my readers a chance to strut their stuff in front of one and all. I originally promised to answer all the questions in the form of rhyming couplets, but quickly discovered that doing so was impossible and obnoxious. So I stopped. But there are haiku, and free verse, and rhymes and much much more under the hood of this mean machine, and I assure you, by the end, you'll be sure of two things only: First, I should be committed. Second, it's a damn good thing I don't write poetry very often. So pinch your nose and get ready to channel your inner beatnik. It's poetry time. | Homonym | I'd like to buy the world a Coke, and spurt it out my nose -Some conniving movie star turned singer heard on the streets of Compton |
I bought myself a can of coke But now my nostrils are dry and weak, And all I see are elephants Drinking lemon tea. Curious. | State of the union | I never noticed through all of my years The fear and jeers of all of my peers Who say that character balance is going to the crapper. After many a few beers it's clear That an RPG bust is near, the drear Is great--we need another princess so someone can kidnap her! I just now realized how the characters were finalized And I was traumatized when I finally opened my eyes; The characters in some games are exactly like each other! If you take them all and then Flay their skin, Pin them to the wall and look within, You'd see that Aeris and Cloud could be brothers. I also notice that some RPG's are unbalanced-- Offering nothing in the way of challenge. I beat Sephiroth in ONE HIT, easily. The game designers are guilty of malice, Drinking acid out of some filthy chalice, While shooting heroin and becoming shit-wheezy...
So what can we do to put down this notion, That RPG's are becoming devoid of emotion? I suggest that some take a look at Star Ocean And motion that potions uses in general are broken-- All they need are some feeling, I believe, Instead of being stats under skin and sleeves. If it doesn't improve, I guess we'll have to leave And numb ourselves on actions games--tsk tsk, PLEASE. HypeSpider |
I'm hearing Sounds of bickering voices and withheld checks Of bean-counters with atrophied hands As they realize that the mover and shaker In the gaming world Isn't Gameplay But Publicity. | Stop Whining or I'll Kill You | Howdy. "Stop Whining or I Kill You" I'm getting tired of complaints, and people who write in with their woes. Maybe if they weren't so critical, The games on them would grows. Translation not so bad really is being, and characters enough are individual. And people's whining of the lack of noses, is really just residual.
I still happen to like Squaresoft, and Final Fantasy Anthology I will buy. If number four is not in it, Then use an emulator instead will I.
And maybe if you all stopped your whining, and enjoyed the games for a change, Then maybe I won't have to retaliate, and infect you all with mange.
And maybe if you all stopped whining, the faults wouldn't be as noticable. Maybe if you all stopped whining, you enjoyment might even double!
So do not make me kill you all, Don't make me add you to my list. Because I do not care if you think that Cloud talks like he has a lisp. -Arpad Korossy |
I'm a cynic, true Trust in no company now, But stay your rage, friend.
I killed a man, sliced Clean through his gizzard and spleen. I'll whine if I want. | Shadowrunning | Okay, so this poem isn't directly game-related (except maybe Shadowrun), but I thought it'd be a touch better than the regurgitated rhyming disasters you'll inevitably be sent: Electronic Road Warrior I digits spinning photons shooting fingers reaching neurons fleeing the future is an image the world dominated by the electronic empowered the present is forever war is what? no time for that every man is his nation the past is forgotten love is naive hate is requited gratification is at hand the information superhigh.. .......... well I suppose that's the poem. Hope it didn't blow your mind too badly... ^_^ -yasha (..who's hoping his poetry is immortalised in a DA column) |
Consider it done, by Aussie friend, Your efforts are not in vain. You're published, you're signed and archived, And before this summer's over You'll play into a new Vault For my beloved Shadowrun. | Mana dreams | Since this is apparently poetry day and I am sitting here both clever and Gay, I thought with a start to do my part and write you forthwith no delay
Now my immediate concern of the hour is the love of a game of some power tis' 'Legend Of Mana' that strokes my banana or so I have heard the boys say
I desperately want to enjoy it to play and to love and to own it but Square takes no measure of just how much pleasure It would give me to hear them release it
Now I want 'Legend' quickly, I'm willing to pay the dollars required to have it today, in English well written, so I can be smitten more than I was with 'Secret', OK?
Now I loved 'Secret of Mana' it's true, but I expect to love 'Legend' anew even more I should think, I doubt it will stink great praise it will surely accrue
Now my question to you -I have one you see- is what rumors you've heard with reagard to my plea to have that darn 'Legend' released over here a positive answer would bring me great cheer!
Thank you for reading my heartfelt letter -the work of a girl who wants to feel better- and not toss and turn on long summer nights
signed most sincerely, Jennifer Reitz |
All rumors point to smiles, my dearest Jen, For while the Legend hits Tokyo for many yen It's rumored to come to our fair shores and sand In English, for mid-to-late two thousand. (Man oh MAN did I reach for a rhyme on that one.) | Originality's tomb | Let me see...I got one around here somewhere...Ah, yes, here it is. I wrote this bad boy 3 years ago, and I have yet to enter it in to some contest. I feel it's a good lil 'ole baby. I am worried some bastard may steal it ....na, it ain't that good. Oh yea, guess which game I based it on :-) Deep within the Lost Woods lay, The Blade the Hero used to slay, the master of all evil. The seal broke, the pendants beckoned, The Hero realized, thought, and reckoned, He was the One. He seeked, search, and found, The eight crystals that brought the magical seal around, Ganondorf's tower down. A slice with the Sword, A shot of an arrow brought, The new Beginning of Peace. Deep within the Lost Woods lay, The Blade the Hero used to slay, the master of all evil.
Copyright John Livingston, bla bla bla. More bla. Blarg. Enjoy, young Milligan. I surely did. |
Pathetic, I find it: That poem describes a tale Vomited up into more RPGs Than I can ever count. So much for originality. | HAIKUUUUUUUUUU! | I write this Haiku, For Double Agent called Seb, Answer please for me.
Stories I do seek, Of bumbling warrior Kelvin, And too Larissa.
My question for you: Might there ever be more tales? Please, Seb, Make It So.
-Elanya, who swears she isn't asking this just to demonstrate her keenhaiku prowess... |
Fritz has written a script For a tale yet to be filmed Which you will enjoy. | Chorus line | La li la li lar I am following my fish. Elly's stealing Tetsuo's shtick. I wish I knew who'd clean up the mess. I feel like I'm drinking tar. I'm sick of this text, No less than violenty ill.
Free games for may, See Sanagi play. Anime games are great! A Sailor Moon RPG, how fun! Chibi-Usa must die.
CHORUS: Die, Chibi-Usa, die!
I haven't been kissed in several years, I fear there may be more time yet. Regrets can't touch me when I am gaming! I sing the pixels electric! Arctic home and midnight sun, A pun, a pop can, thou, and a pop tart. I'm starting to have improper thoughts about Sailor Jupiter. Nothing worth saying rhymes with Jupiter.
CHORUS: Nothing worth saying rhymes with Jupiter!
It may drive you cuckoo If you try to figure out my rhyme scheme. Obscene dressing habits manifest A guessed tar is fully operational. Running around town in a green sailor fuku. I'll break the rhyme scheme if I damn well feel like it.
CHORUS: He'll break the rhyme scheme if he damn well feels like it!
They gave me time, door bang chain gang. I know Mako-chan will understand. She can bake a cake with disguise pen in. We'll try on dresses and giggle all night. Everything's alphanumeric!
~curtain -Sanagi, too far gone to judge whether this is funny or not. ^^; |
Sailor Moon, I'm sure, would make a fine game If only you played as the horde of mutated villains Drooling Seething Plotting Who want only to slaughter the Sailors and pin up their fukus Like big game trophies Mounted above the mantelpiece. | Distinctiveness | This is a poem that a girl that I really like gave me. Rain Walking in the rain hand in hand Barefoot Feeling the wet on our faces, the soft silky feeling makes me want to roll around in the cool wet grass. You lean frward and our lips connect in a kiss that says I love you. A kiss that sends a Shiver from my head to the tips of my toes. You pick me up and we twirl around and around until we fall Laughing The rain makes us Wet and I can feel my hair sticking to mh face, but I don't care, you make me feel beautiful. I am in your arms and that is how I want it to be, For always. Emily Breck P.S. Could you use your powers to see if she likes me? |
My friend - If thou receivest a poem like thus, Ask not if thy lady's affections are dibbed, But rather ponder a more immediate question: Wilst thou purchase flavored or ribbed? | Bad marketing? | How does one smock crack? Foolish Square names their movie Like game for no reason. VJaeger |
Jaeger, don't let the FF Movie make you sore; At least it isn't called Secret of Evermore.
Closing Comments Well, wasn't that a heart-melting display of raw talent and sensitivity? As I sit here, swaddled in a flowered dressing gown with my favourite teddy bear and a steaming mug of Ovaltine in my hand, I feel tears welling. Kudos to you, people, and give yourselves a hand; we've made bold new strokes in the growing field of gaming-related poetry. Keep your eyes peeled for similar upcoming events, such as the Recipe Column, the Poultry Column, and the Column Wherein Every Word Starts With the Letter 'E'. And with that, I step into the Wayback Machine, and vanish. - Allan Milligan
| | | |
