Double Agent
Alas, alack, and other crap - June 22nd, 1999 - Allan Milligan

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Don't say I didn't warn you. :)


Today is Poetry Day at Double Agent, where I share my poetic skillz with one and all, and give my readers a chance to strut their stuff in front of one and all.

I originally promised to answer all the questions in the form of rhyming couplets, but quickly discovered that doing so was impossible and obnoxious. So I stopped. But there are haiku, and free verse, and rhymes and much much more under the hood of this mean machine, and I assure you, by the end, you'll be sure of two things only:

First, I should be committed.

Second, it's a damn good thing I don't write poetry very often.

So pinch your nose and get ready to channel your inner beatnik. It's poetry time.

Homonym

I'd like to buy the world a Coke,

and spurt it out my nose

-Some conniving movie star turned singer heard on the streets of Compton


I bought myself a can of coke

But now my nostrils are dry and weak,

And all I see are elephants

Drinking lemon tea.

Curious.

State of the union

I never noticed through all of my years

The fear and jeers of all of my peers

Who say that character balance is going to the crapper.

After many a few beers it's clear

That an RPG bust is near, the drear

Is great--we need another princess so someone can kidnap her!

I just now realized how the characters were finalized

And I was traumatized when I finally opened my eyes;

The characters in some games are exactly like each other!

If you take them all and then

Flay their skin,

Pin them to the wall and look within,

You'd see that Aeris and Cloud could be brothers.

I also notice that some RPG's are unbalanced--

Offering nothing in the way of challenge.

I beat Sephiroth in ONE HIT, easily.

The game designers are guilty of malice,

Drinking acid out of some filthy chalice,

While shooting heroin and becoming shit-wheezy...


So what can we do to put down this notion,

That RPG's are becoming devoid of emotion?

I suggest that some take a look at Star Ocean

And motion that potions uses in general are broken--

All they need are some feeling, I believe,

Instead of being stats under skin and sleeves.

If it doesn't improve, I guess we'll have to leave

And numb ourselves on actions games--tsk tsk,

PLEASE.

HypeSpider


I'm hearing

Sounds of bickering voices and withheld checks

Of bean-counters with atrophied hands

As they realize that the mover and shaker

In the gaming world

Isn't Gameplay

But Publicity.

Stop Whining or I'll Kill You

Howdy.

"Stop Whining or I Kill You"

I'm getting tired of complaints,

and people who write in with their woes.

Maybe if they weren't so critical,

The games on them would grows.

Translation not so bad really is being,

and characters enough are individual.

And people's whining of the lack of noses,

is really just residual.


I still happen to like Squaresoft,

and Final Fantasy Anthology I will buy.

If number four is not in it,

Then use an emulator instead will I.


And maybe if you all stopped your whining,

and enjoyed the games for a change,

Then maybe I won't have to retaliate,

and infect you all with mange.


And maybe if you all stopped whining,

the faults wouldn't be as noticable.

Maybe if you all stopped whining,

you enjoyment might even double!


So do not make me kill you all,

Don't make me add you to my list.

Because I do not care if you think

that Cloud talks like he has a lisp.

-Arpad Korossy


I'm a cynic, true

Trust in no company now,

But stay your rage, friend.


I killed a man, sliced

Clean through his gizzard and spleen.

I'll whine if I want.

Shadowrunning

Okay, so this poem isn't directly game-related (except maybe Shadowrun), but I thought it'd be a touch better than the regurgitated rhyming disasters you'll inevitably be sent:

Electronic Road Warrior I

digits spinning photons shooting

fingers reaching neurons fleeing

the future is an image

the world dominated

by the electronic empowered

the present is forever

war is what? no time for that

every man is his nation

the past is forgotten

love is naive hate is requited

gratification is at hand

the information superhigh..

.......... well I suppose that's the poem. Hope it didn't blow your mind too badly... ^_^

-yasha (..who's hoping his poetry is immortalised in a DA column)


Consider it done, by Aussie friend,

Your efforts are not in vain.

You're published, you're signed and archived,

And before this summer's over

You'll play into a new Vault

For my beloved Shadowrun.

Mana dreams

Since this is apparently poetry day

and I am sitting here both clever and Gay,

I thought with a start to do my part

and write you forthwith no delay


Now my immediate concern of the hour

is the love of a game of some power

tis' 'Legend Of Mana' that strokes my banana

or so I have heard the boys say


I desperately want to enjoy it

to play and to love and to own it

but Square takes no measure of just how much pleasure

It would give me to hear them release it


Now I want 'Legend' quickly, I'm willing to pay

the dollars required to have it today,

in English well written, so I can be smitten

more than I was with 'Secret', OK?


Now I loved 'Secret of Mana' it's true,

but I expect to love 'Legend' anew

even more I should think, I doubt it will stink

great praise it will surely accrue


Now my question to you -I have one you see-

is what rumors you've heard with reagard to my plea

to have that darn 'Legend' released over here

a positive answer would bring me great cheer!


Thank you for reading my heartfelt letter

-the work of a girl who wants to feel better-

and not toss and turn on long summer nights


signed most sincerely,

Jennifer Reitz


All rumors point to smiles, my dearest Jen,

For while the Legend hits Tokyo for many yen

It's rumored to come to our fair shores and sand

In English, for mid-to-late two thousand.

(Man oh MAN did I reach for a rhyme on that one.)

Originality's tomb

Let me see...I got one around here somewhere...Ah, yes, here it is. I wrote this bad boy 3 years ago, and I have yet to enter it in to some contest. I feel it's a good lil 'ole baby. I am worried some bastard may steal it ....na, it ain't that good. Oh yea, guess which game I based it on :-)

Deep within the Lost Woods lay,

The Blade the Hero used to slay,

the master of all evil.

The seal broke, the pendants beckoned,

The Hero realized, thought, and reckoned,

He was the One.

He seeked, search, and found,

The eight crystals that brought the magical seal around,

Ganondorf's tower down.

A slice with the Sword,

A shot of an arrow brought,

The new Beginning of Peace.

Deep within the Lost Woods lay,

The Blade the Hero used to slay,

the master of all evil.


Copyright John Livingston, bla bla bla. More bla. Blarg.

Enjoy, young Milligan. I surely did.


Pathetic,

I find it:

That poem describes a tale

Vomited up

into more RPGs

Than I can ever count.

So much for originality.

HAIKUUUUUUUUUU!

I write this Haiku,

For Double Agent called Seb,

Answer please for me.


Stories I do seek,

Of bumbling warrior Kelvin,

And too Larissa.


My question for you:

Might there ever be more tales?

Please, Seb, Make It So.


-Elanya, who swears she isn't asking this just to demonstrate her keenhaiku prowess...


Fritz has written a script

For a tale yet to be filmed

Which you will enjoy.

Chorus line

La li la li lar

I am following my fish.

Elly's stealing Tetsuo's shtick.

I wish I knew who'd clean up the mess.

I feel like I'm drinking tar.

I'm sick of this text,

No less than violenty ill.


Free games for may,

See Sanagi play.

Anime games are great!

A Sailor Moon RPG, how fun!

Chibi-Usa must die.


CHORUS: Die, Chibi-Usa, die!


I haven't been kissed in several years,

I fear there may be more time yet.

Regrets can't touch me when I am gaming!

I sing the pixels electric!

Arctic home and midnight sun,

A pun, a pop can, thou, and a pop tart.

I'm starting to have improper thoughts about Sailor Jupiter.

Nothing worth saying rhymes with Jupiter.


CHORUS: Nothing worth saying rhymes with Jupiter!


It may drive you cuckoo

If you try to figure out my rhyme scheme.

Obscene dressing habits manifest

A guessed tar is fully operational.

Running around town in a green sailor fuku.

I'll break the rhyme scheme if I damn well feel like it.


CHORUS: He'll break the rhyme scheme if he damn well feels like it!


They gave me time, door bang chain gang.

I know Mako-chan will understand.

She can bake a cake with disguise pen in.

We'll try on dresses and giggle all night.

Everything's alphanumeric!


~curtain

-Sanagi, too far gone to judge whether this is funny or not. ^^;


Sailor Moon, I'm sure, would make a fine game

If only you played as the horde of mutated villains

Drooling

Seething

Plotting

Who want only to slaughter the Sailors and pin up their fukus

Like big game trophies

Mounted above the mantelpiece.

Distinctiveness

This is a poem that a girl that I really like gave me.

Rain

Walking in the rain

hand in hand

Barefoot

Feeling the wet on our faces,

the soft silky feeling

makes me want to

roll around

in the cool wet grass.

You lean frward and our

lips connect

in a kiss that says

I love you.

A kiss that sends a

Shiver

from my head to the

tips of my toes.

You pick me up and we

twirl around and around

until we fall

Laughing

The rain makes us

Wet

and I can feel my hair

sticking to mh face,

but I don't care,

you make me feel beautiful.

I am in your arms

and that is how

I want it to be,

For always.

Emily

Breck

P.S. Could you use your powers to see if she likes me?


My friend -

If thou receivest a poem like thus,

Ask not if thy lady's affections are dibbed,

But rather ponder a more immediate question:

Wilst thou purchase flavored or ribbed?

Bad marketing?

How does one smock crack?

Foolish Square names their movie

Like game for no reason.

VJaeger


Jaeger, don't let the FF Movie make you sore;

At least it isn't called Secret of Evermore.


Closing Comments

Well, wasn't that a heart-melting display of raw talent and sensitivity? As I sit here, swaddled in a flowered dressing gown with my favourite teddy bear and a steaming mug of Ovaltine in my hand, I feel tears welling. Kudos to you, people, and give yourselves a hand; we've made bold new strokes in the growing field of gaming-related poetry. Keep your eyes peeled for similar upcoming events, such as the Recipe Column, the Poultry Column, and the Column Wherein Every Word Starts With the Letter 'E'.

And with that, I step into the Wayback Machine, and vanish.

- Allan Milligan


 
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