Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. This column is funded entirely by laundered drug money. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Yesterday I asked you readers what it would take on Nintendo's part to get you to purchase their upcoming system. I'm pleased to say that the results are in. The leading answer was, "Make the Dolphin capable of turning into a beautiful woman who happens to find myself extremely sexually attractive." Sadly, Nintendo representatives have gone on record as saying, "What the hell? No, that's not going to be one of the Dolphin's features! Where do you sick little perverts come up with this shit?"

I guess we'll just have to settle for the suggestions and comments made in today's column.

You think that's demented? You ain't seen nothin' yet. Take a look at these next two letters.

This letter in itself is disturbing enough. I'm already aware of the fact that I have a loyal readership amongst perverts and lunatics. Hell, I don't exactly discourage it. However, this letter, in addition to the follwing one, is just plain freaky.

What is it with you guys? Beastiality and homosexual incest are bad enough as it is, but between Nintendo's mascot characters? Man, screw anything disturbing or unusual I've ever come up with; I can't compete. A perfect example of the sheer insanity that could only come from minds which are embedded deep within the gutter, this is.

The fact that you would consider such activity a selling point only makes matters worse. Obviously, there is no fit response on an occasion such as this. And what do I do when no good reply is available? That's right, I think back to my mantra: What Would Earthbound Do? I think that the answer in this case is clear.

Earthbound would make you beat the living hell out of your next-door neighbor with a baseball bat as recompense for excercising influence over an all-powerful and sinister space creator. However, I wouldn't waste too much effort on it. He'll only inform you that he will one day return, and then disappear without a trace, leaving you to deal with the extraterrestrial menace. Of course, first you're going to have to recruit a motley crew of fellow fighters who will aid you in your quest by creating fancy squirt guns and praying up a storm. So get to work.

Warning: Don't hit your neighbor with a bat. Do I really need to tell you this? And while you're at it, don't operate heavy machinery while sleeping, try to avoid getting battery acid in your eyes, and for the love of God, do not ingest any Preparation H. It just doesn't work that way.

You've expressed a viewpoint shared by many of your fellow RPG fans. A viewpoint which has been mentioned time and time again in this very column. What viewpoint may that be? Why, the imfamous "Where Square goes, I go," of course. Should Square choose for whatever reasons to move their higher-calibur series to the Dolphin, you can bet that Nintendo would suddenly become a lot more popular with the RPG community once again.

And hey, what if the gods decide to have a little fun and screw with fate just to mess with our puny, mortal minds by planting thoughts of multi-platform development into some Square executive's head? Imagine being able to play FFX on your PS2 or your Dolphin. I'd wager that more than a few people would enjoy the opportunity to play Zelda and Final Fantasy on the same system once again.

Of course, that's about as likely to happen as me finding a million dollars hidden in my couch cushions. It made for an excellent filler paragraph, though. I get a real kick out of wasting your time.

Well, one thing I should point out is this: The 3DO was incredibly expensive, and was touted as a all-purpose "set top box" since it played audio CDs as well as games. Well, we all know how well that went over. Then along came the Playstation, which could also play audio CDs. However, it was advertised as being strictly a gaming machine; audio playback was just a bonus. Because of this focus, the Playstation was a success.

Now, we have the same situation with the PS2. Sure, it can play movies. But if Sony is wise, they'll only advertise that as a side-point, and concentrate on marketing it as a powerful gaming console, first and foremost. People aren't stupid (well, for the most part, anyway.) They'll see that it plays movies when they go comparison shopping, and that will undoubtedly serve as a selling point.

However, should Sony try to advertise the PS2 as being another all-purpose device, things could get a bit hairy. That's my take, at least. Take my take with a grain of salt. Take my take before I take my take away from you for taking too long to take my take. Or something.

You make mention of one extremely important point which I'd like to fixate upon for a moment. Right now, there are a lot of developers giving the Dreamcast their attentions simply because it is much easier to program for than the PS2. One of the (many) things that sunk the Saturn was it's sloppy hardware; it was a nightmare to develop for. It looks like Sony may be travelling down a similar, ill-fated path.

Should Nintendo's Dolphin be comparable in power to the PS2 and offer a friendly development environment, that will prove to be one hell of a strong tack for the console. Sony's name and marketing muscle alone may very well be enough to entice the publishers who are willing to shell out the extra dough for the creation of a PS2 game. Of course, as always, this is just a bunch of speculation on my part. We'll just have to hold tight and see what happens, now won't we?

We still don't know whether or not Nintendo is going to have another belated release. Everything you've seen up to this point is merely speculation and rumor. Sure, Nintendo has had a reputation for late release dates, but Nintendo has also displayed a readiness to learn from past mistakes in recent months. They've all but ended their former censorship policies, and they've worked with outside companies to help create better components for the machine in the most efficient manner possible. Not only that, Nintendo has made the move to DVD despite Shigeru Miyamoto's expressed preference for cartridges.

Yet another issue which we'll just have to reserve final judgement upon until the end result is a reality rather than a distant point of speculation and heresay. Hey, was that a really articulate way of saying "we'll have to wait and see" or what?

And yes, you're damned straight. You'd better believe that Quistis deserves a Sexalicious Award. Unfortunately, she isn't a real person and can't send me a letter. Being Quistis, her letter would undoubtedly be extremely sexy, and thus it would receive a Sexalicious Award. Which makes for a perfect segue into this plug: help support the Bring Quistis Into Reality Foundation with cash donations. In unmarked bills. Mailed to my house. They'll go towards my... research on the matter. Only you can help Make Quistis an actual human being. And if you act now, I'll also throw in a discount Bible with a few typoes here and there, as well as a "Go Away, Satan" door hanger. This offer is not available anywhere else. Give until it hurts, you selfish punks.

Hey, not only is this letter informative, but it also proves that I've been pronouncing Seifer's name correctly. A mellow aroma flows into my nostrils. Why, I think I smell a Smartass Award coming on!

Remember, this award is not a floatation device, and should not be used as one. This award will also not cure jock itch or athlete's foot. Why don't you wash once in a while, you filthy bastard?

Closing Comments

What, I have to think up another topic? Man, I hope you guys appreciate how difficult it is coming up with something clever and debatable for you to write about, day in and day out. I've had to triple my daily cocaine intake. I mean Coke intake. Coca Cola. Caffeine is good. Damn, nice save.

Anyway, now that the Dreamcast has been out for a few days, how do you feel about it's position in the upcoming console race? It has sold respectably well here in the West, and as long as the advertising campaign proves to be effective Sega may very well have over a million of the little buggers in homes before the PS2 or the Dolphin are ever released. That can only serve as leverage, right?

Then again, the Saturn was neck and neck with the Playstation and Nintendo 64 for a few months when it was released, so initial success may not be as important as long-term momentum. So, what do you think. Conversely, how has the actual release of the system changed your initial viewpoint prior to its release? These are the things I wish you to tell me. Please do so. Trust me when I say that it's in your best interest.

-Drew Cosner