Final Fantasy what? - September 12th, 1999 - Andrew Kaufmann
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot.
Good evening. Sorry for the lack of column last night, I was a bit under the
weather. I would like to say I was throwing a massive farewell party for Vestal,
who just toodled back off to California, but I wasn't.
Where did the phrase "under the weather" come from, anyway?
| Greed |
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My girlfriend laughed when I told her I'm in love with Rinoa.
She thought I was joking.
(And who does this "Squall" guy think he is, anyway?)
- Kaxon
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OK, timeout. You have a girlfriend, AND you're trying to get Rinoa? I mean,
what's up with that? Share the wealth, you greedy bastard!
| Nails on a chalkboard |
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It's OK to have an animal sidekick in the game as long as the voice
acting isn't screwed up to make that sidekick sound like a 4-year old
girl. Every time I hear Nall's voice I just want to choke the little
bastard.
-The Walrus
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Do walruses have ears?
| Kick in the side |
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I think they should scrap useless sidekicks. It makes me think too much
about Jar Jar **** .
P.S Chu-chu is an exception, of course
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Useless sidekicks usually have a purpose, mainly comic relief... but they need
to be used well. Overuse becomes trite. And useless doesn't have to mean annoying...
but for whatever reason, it usually does. Oh well.
| More about fuzzy sidekicks than you ever wanted to know |
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The cute sidekick has its place in the universe. In video games they have a spotty history, like the infamous Chu-Chu, who brought pink sacharine-snortin' goofiness to the dropdead serious Xenogears. But in anime, they have a history of greatness.
Teto - As the animal friend of Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind, Teto is the chairperson of the board of cute animals.
Ryo-ohki - The ultimate in more-dangerous-than-it-looks type critters. Ryo-ohki is a living spaceship that has regenerated in the form of a small animal.
P-Chan - Ryoga(and voice actor Koichi Yamadera) is hilarious in any form.
Pen-Pen - Mascot of Evangelion borders on Chu-Chu level of pointlessness, but is actually funny and likable.
And the list goes on and on. By the way, Chu-Chu is nowhere near as sexy as Jigglypuff. Just turn on Super Smash Brothers, go into vs. mode, choose Captain Falcon for yourself and Jigglypuff as the computer. Now do Falcon's "Crotch Rocket" move (Up and B) on Jigglypuff, and pause the game to get a closeup view. Now is that the most bizarre pornographic thing you've ever seen in a videogame or what? And this from Nintendo!
Also, many people don't know this, but Jigglypuff's body is composed of love goo, the psychic residue of horny, nervous, sweaty teenagers.
jigglyfnord,
Sanagi
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And there you have it. A lot of info on fuzzy sidekicks. Rejoice with your
new knowledge, readers. Don't ever say this column isn't educational.
| Ian P. goes back up a coolness notch |
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AndrewK,
Drew, Allan, Fritz, and all the others meant nothing to me AK - You're
the one I love! I've loved you since I first laid eyes upon your
charming words on the USHP, and when first you called me a Dweeb in the letters
section of RPGamer. That hair like spun gold, once black, and that
never-wavering confidence. How could I not be taken with you? Your
inspiring advice, telling me to 'get over' the long
middle name. You fill me with such a ginchy feeling...AK, I guess what
I'm trying to say is...
You complete me.
~Ian P.
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Aah, what a heartwarming trip down memory lane. Thanks Ian! You're groovy,
daddy-o!
| Master of the Universe, Gilgamesh |
|
Andrew, I need your help! My brother has something very wrong with
him. He actually believes that Odin is better than GILGAMESH in
FFVIII! Please use violence on him if neccesary (or if unnecesarry).
Thanx
-Big Bad Rascal
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Big Bad Rascal, I would go hunting through your brother's sock drawers RIGHT
NOW, because I have a feeling he might be indulging in the wacky weed if he thinks
Odin is cooler than Gilgamesh.
If he needs convincing, though, point him
thissaway.
| Reasons not to move to Iceland |
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dear ak
argh!
do you realize the pain i'm in right now? you people are all going
"Final Fantasy VIII rules" and "FF VIII is the missing link between me
and bliss" while i'm stuck at home (Iceland, Europe to be specific)
playing Final Fantasy VII for the tenth time until October 27th.
i mean, i didn't have a psx until last year when i played ff vii on the
pc and fell in love with square games. so I should be playing this game
too! argh! (oh shit, i'm a sad, sad man)
oh well, Wip3out is here, but not in America. but FF VIII isn't. argh!
ps. which is cooler, Laguna or Irvine?
-el wiener
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El wiener, I must say that you have it rough. I hear that Iceland is a really
pretty country, but if you don't have FF8 yet, I'm afraid it can't be that
pretty. I wish you luck in holding out until October 27th.
And call me crazy, but I kind of like Laguna. He's my kind of guy. Or something.
I'm not very far in the game, and I've only met him once.
Closing Comments
Drew is back, folks. Everyone be sure to tell Drew how awesome Fritz was. And keep
Drew entertained, give him a lot of mail. Write him and tell him what you think about
him taking a week off. He deserted you. Tell him what you think about being deserted.
Until next time,
-Andrew Kaufmann
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