Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Rumors of a "hidden message" being included in each dislaimer are entirely false. Don't say I didn't warn you.

It feels good to get back to the ol' column. Sure, vacationing is relaxing and rejuvenating and all of that rot. But what's life without video game discussions and endless bickering about even the most insignificant of gaming minutiae? After a few debate-free days, I was starting to get a bit on edge. I began arguments with random passerbys just to satiate my craving for some of the point-counterpoint which I thrive on. Although the elderly woman I confronted had no idea what Final Fantasy was, that didn't stop me from bellowing in her face about the intricacies of the Junction System in comparison to the Materia System. Eventually I was detained by the local police, who were obviously some kind of anal-retentives who couldn't appreciate a good game conversation when they saw one.

Although the story you have just read is entirely false, it still served to fill up space and fulfill your need for my random complaints and ranting. It was certainly a lot more exciting than telling you the truth; that I enjoyed a few days of relatively no responsibilities and obligations. The biggest concern in my life was being sure to avoid sunburn. But now I'm back to the grind.

Back to my hometown's weather. The proverbial stick has been firmly re-inserted into my ass. Just the perfect mental state for writing another exciting edition of Double Agent, don't you think?

Actually, yours is the only letter on this subject which I received. Everybody else was too busy telling me to ram a cheese grater up my ass, or other equally painful suggestions as punishment for my unexplained absence. That rascally Andrew and his topics. It's a shame that I accidentally hired some goons to make a mess of his place and threaten him with his life. We all make mistakes.

But to be serious for a moment, it seems that the PS2 is the topic de jour today, judging by the letters I've received. Your question is still one-of-a-kind, however. Doesn't that just make you feel like the ultimate stud right there, Ian? And to get even more serious, I'll go so far as to answer the actual question. Are you ready?

It's still uncomfirmed. Yup. That's all there is to it. Nobody knows for sure. Is that anticlimactic or what?

Well, Sony initially said that the PS2 would support old controllers and memory cards, so that will probably wind up being the case. However, the benefits of using the newer memory cards and controllers are obvious. For people such as yourself who have Dex Drives, the larger memory cards may not be that much of a point of interest. However, the Dual Shock II controllers offer features that will undoubtedly be used in most games, adding an extra dimension of realism and interactivity. If you try using an old Dual Shock on such games, it will probably not only be difficult to control properly, but you'll also be missing out on one of the PS2's cooler innovations.

The entire purpose of a new console is to entice gamers with features that simply weren't available or possible before, whether these be flashier graphics, newer games, or better controllers. Sony is smart enough to have made the use of older peripherals possible so that people looking to cut corners on the cost will see that they can use their old controllers and memory cards and think they're getting a great deal. In the long run, these people will realize that they're missing out, and wind up shelling out the few extra bucks anyhow. Clever, indeed.

If I was in your position, I'd use now as your opportunity to cash in all of your previous good will towards your buddy. Final Fantasy VIII is a damned excellent game; waiting until December to play it is a form of masochism, dude. Normally I wouldn't recommend selling old games, but if you've got some lying around the house that you don't really play anymore, you may want to consider trading them in up at Electronics Boutique in order to get your hot hands on your very own copy of FFVIII.

You know that you're not going to want to give the game back once you finish it. It's not too late to start mowing those lawns. And hey, blackmail is an all-season sport, and all it requires is a camera and a lack of scruples. It's never too late to start that lucrative little hobby.

Warning: Neither Drew Cosner nor the GIA endorses the use of the illegal act of blackmail for financial gain. If you try committing said crime, The GIA will have no choice but to post those pictures of you fondling a Pikachu doll in the bathtub.

I honestly, truly intended on having Friday's column up, complete with a nice explanation of what was going to happen in the coming week, in time for my departure on Friday evening. However, things didn't end up as I'd expected, as they have that obnoxious way of doing. In the end, we left hours earlier than I'd anticipated, and I had to do the quick hand-off to Fritz.

Lucky for me, too. I would've gotten my ass whupped at that game of tic tac toe.

Yes, it was AK, but now it's me. Life's a bitch, ain't it?

To answer your question, your boyfriend had better get used to the mention of the words "Final Fantasy" as the game will be arriving in that crazy place all the kids call Europe on October 27th. I guess later is better than never, if that's any consolation.

However, you can't entirely blame Square. There are certain elements which must be adjusted and features which must be added in order to appeal to a European audience. It takes time to add those unshaven leg and armpit texture maps to all of the female characters, you know.

I'm glad to see that mostly everybody is enjoying the game so far. Unlike Final Fantasy VII, the post-release buzz amongts fans has been mostly positive. And to be honest, I think that FFVIII is every bit deserving of the praise it receives. The Junction System is nothing short of genius, the storyline is epic and emotional, and the characters all feel like actual people rather than boring stereotypes.

Man, I get the distinct feeling that I've said all of that somewhere before...

Trey, I have nothing against a man with personal preferences. If wizards are your thing, that's cool by me. However, you're willing to see beyond personal preferences to appreciate what a fantastic game FFVIII is in its own rights. And you know what? I think that's pretty damned deserving of a Sexalicious Award.

Yes, what better way to officiate my return than with the inclusion of a Sexalicious Award? Remember, if you don't give it "attention" by rocking it gently back and forth every so often, it will begin to make a hideous noise that is apparently meant to sound like sobbing. Your neglect will be registered in its internal memory system, and when you return it to the Home Ec lab it will become apparent that you are an unfit caretaker. That's right, you'll fail the class, and have to suffer through all of those pancake-baking lessons a second time.

I really don't think that there is a specific way in which you are supposed to pronounce Seifer's name, so you may as well just pronounce it however you see fit. Personally, I always go with "cypher." Additionally, I've also encountered the slowdown of which you speak, as well as several friends of mine who have played the game, so I think that it's supposed to be there. I guess it was meant to add a stylized look to the spell or something, who the hell knows? Since the rest of the game runs silky-smooth, it seems odd to me that a simple Quake spell would cause unintentional slowdown. Espscially when you consider the fact that the GF summons are equivalent in polygon-pushing to about 25 simultaneous castings of the Quake spell. In short, I think that it's intentional for one reason or another. But hey, I could be wrong.

Closing Comments

And thus ends my first attempt at a column in well over a week. Hopefully the process of shaking off the rust hasn't resulted in a column which made you wrinkle your face in disgust. I like to cause people to wrinkle their faces in disagreement or hatred, but not disgust.

Hey, as I recall, this is usually where I hit you folks up with tomorrow's topic, isn't it? Okay then. How about this: now that the Dreamcast has been out for a little while and the PS2's specs have been announced, what would it take on Nintendo's part to convince you to purchase their machine over the competitions' systems? Would you want to see them lose their "kiddy" image by sticking a bazooka in Mario's hand and adding copious amounts of sexual content and violence? Or would simple wants, such as better third party support, be enough to make you purchase the Big N's next machine? Let me know what you think. It makes me feel like a belated mind reader.

-Drew Cosner