Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Deep thought for the day: If there was a spell named "Aspersions" in an RPG, you could cast Aspersions upon others and get away with it. Don't say I didn't warn you.

That was a creative topic Andrew left you guys with, I'll give him that much. It would seem that my attempts to break him and crush his spirit have failed. I guess I'll have to return the tape of "Songs for Columnists Whose Spirits Have been Trampled and Crushed" I purchased for him from The Home Shopping Network last night. Which is a shame; it had a couple of good REM songs on it. But, just to play along with his shenanigans, I'll recount a handheld tale of my own childhood.

I've always been a pretty big Nintendo fan, and an even bigger Zelda fan. No surprises there. So, it goes without saying that I was excited to the point of nearly pissing my prepubescent pants when I learned that there would be a portable Zelda game. I mowed a few lawns and pulled a few weeds, shortly racking up the cash I needed to get my hot little hands on the game the minute it was released. And, naturally, I played it constantly. I become so addicted, that I started to play during class periods and study hall. Keep in mind that this was 7th grade, so the cries of "dork" were plentiful. Eventually, I was caught in the act during english class. The teacher only asked to put the Gameboy away, which was surprising since I was sure she would confiscate it. "You can play those finger games when you get an A for the semester, chief," was what she told me.

I never worked so hard for an A in my life. Sure, by the time I'd earned my A at the end of the semester I'd long beaten the game easily 10 times, but it was the principle. Of course, I brought the trusty Gameboy back that following semester, and she wasn't good to her word. I still couldn't play in class.

Maybe that's why I'm the kind of person I am today. Okay, probably not. The important thing is, the secret to life is having somebody else to blame for your shortcomings.

I'm extremely impressed with the translation. I've been scrutinizing, and I've not caught a single spelling or grammatical error yet. More importantly, the characters speak in a fluid and conversational manner. It's not exactly Tolstoy, but it puts Final Fantasy VII's translation to shame.

Ironically, there have been almost no awkward lines in the game thus far, but the one line that stands out as being rather unusual is the one Square chose to release a screenshot of. A lot of people assumed the translation would suck based upon that, and rightfully so. After all, if one of the very few screenshots released spotlights a crummy line of dialogue, that would seem to be an indication as to what the rest of the game would be like. Well, hopefully I can help you rest a little easier. The translation is excellent. It even retains a few of the more humorous moments, without rendering them completely senseless and ridiculous.

An impressed is me.

You're both correct and incorrect, Telly. There is a women inside of Big Bird, but she's only there to control the left leg and lower beak. We work together to make the featherduster known to the children as "Big Bird" come alive. Although Big Bird may appear relatively small, we share a flat inside of him. Sure, it only has one bedroom and a kitchen, but that's all a fledgling couple such as ourselves needs.

Here's something you may not have realized: during scenes in which Big Bird appears to be inactive, me and the lovely Big Bird lady, as I like to call her, put on a little Manilow and make sweet lovin'

You'll never look at Big Bird the same when he's sitting quietly on a bench in the background. Okay, scratch Sesame Street off of my list of things to ruin for others.

I've tried the "Gameboy at work" thing, it doesn't work particularly well. I suppose the fact that I have an ice-blue Gameboy could have something to do with that. I tried to convince my boss that Pikachu was the Windows CE version of "Bob," but it didn't go over too well.

I am now living on the streets selling half-eaten apples and feeding off of the mildew that forms around sewer grates. I write this column in a cybercafe with no dress code. Hopefully I'll finish before I'm kicked out due to the foul stench that I've begun to give off. Thanks a lot for your advice.

I can't even begin to tell you how many hours I wasted during Trig and Calculus playing "Tetris" and "Asteroids." As long as there are math classes and there are Texas Instruments calculators, handheld gaming will never truly die. Now if only those two blokes would finish up the T1-85 version of SimCity they've been working on for a while...

And conversely, don't make me rope you to the floor and stomp a cue ball into your left eye socket.

An argument could be made for any of the above, with the exception of Mortal Kombat. Unfortunately, there are still those who would have you believe that Mortal Kombat does, in fact, rank among the best gaming has to offer.

For just such people, I offer a step program. It's not easy for them to them ween themselves off of the festering wart on the ass of gaming that is known as "Mortal Kombat." Proper care and planning must be taken for a successful recovery. The first step is to have them admit that Mortal Kombat serves no purpose other than to further reinforce in the mind of the Japanese that the American people are a bunch of mentally retarded, pathetic little creatures. The second step is to throw a large brick at their heads, putting them out of their misery. I suppose that the first step really isn't necessary; I just get a kick out of hearing people insult Mortal Kombat.

The fact that there are those who would believe Mortal Kombat to rank among true classics such as the Final Fantasy series only proves what I've been saying all along: Sure, everyone's entitled to their opinion, but that doesn't mean that their opinion is valid.

Either that or you get a kick out of having an incredibly weak and laughable party of characters fighting on your side. You'd have to be partially lobotomized to place Malak or Rafa in your party when you could wipe the board clean with TG Cid or an advanced calculator.

This message was brought to you by Fritz -- the living encyclopedia, the number "42", and the letter "H".

I tried to find Andrew so he could comment, but he's nowhere to be found. In his dorm room I noticed that his Playstation was still running, and the words "tHe TiME iS NeAr SoON AlL sHaLL sUcCUmb tO a SimILAr fAtE" were scratched on the wall. Must be some kind of frat initiation thing.

I think it's about time for a new award or feature to be added to the column. I like to keep things fresh, nothing's worse than a stale letters column. You may not realize this, but columns go bad faster than warm milk on a radiator. So, for the reason of innovation, I bring to you the Asinine Letter of the Day. Every day I receive at least a few letters that serve absolutely no purpose, or make no point whatsoever. It seems that some people have a burning desire to send a letter; not having anything to write about is only a minor detail.

Congratulations, Sweetcheeks, you're the first inductee. Although I can understand getting sick trying to play Gameboy in a moving car, your letter makes no valid points. Not only that, you've made no attempt to add to the debate with a strong viewpoint or opinion. The inclusion of vomit is only a plus. Yes, this letter is, by all means, pointless and asinine.

Whether receiving this award be a good or a bad thing, I'll leave to your own discretion.

Closing Comments

Right now, the general consensus is that Final Fantasy IX will be released in the Fall of 2000 here in the United States, and earlier in the year over in Japan. Simple enough, right? Well, that does raise a couple of questions. For one thing, isn't it kind of soon to be releasing another game in the series? Sure, they may have been working on it alongside FFVIII, but the lion's share of the resources, both human and technological, have been going towards VIII in recent months. Do you really believe that FFIX will be able to live up to the other games in the series when it's coming out so shortly after the last game? Or do you see it as Square's attempt to cash in on the Playstation one final time before moving on to the next generation of consoles?

Secondly, the Fall 2000 release date is still just speculation. What if it winds up being released during the Fall of 2001 instead? After all, that would give them more time for development. On one hand, that could be seen as a plus. As Vic Ireland would say, "Delays are only temporary, mediocrity is forever." But on the other hand, that's going to be pretty damned late in the game. The Playstation is already showing its age; many believe that 2000 will be its last good, strong year. Will there still be enough interest in the decrepit system to make FFIX a success? Or will most have moved on to newer, better systems? Sure, the fans will care, but the casual gamer who has just purchased a shiny new PS2 or Dreamcast isn't going to want to play a game featuring yesterday's graphics and sound.

All of this has also made me think of another related topic. But I'll save that one for tomorrow. For now, have fun and write safely.

-Drew Cosner, your mom on steroids