Fits into the palm of your hand - August 27th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. This isn't a secret message, you only think that it is. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Hello, it's me. And this is a column. You should read this column, or you will hurt its feelings.
| Complimentary |
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Hey Drew
OK, first off, you missed a few Shining Force games. There were also 2 for
the Game Gear, and one for the Sega CD which combined the GG ones, and added
a brand new game.
Next we have the fact that despite the title of "The Yossarian Principle," I
saw no references to Catch 22 anywhere in the column; oh well.
As for portables, if you look at the current market, especially the Japanese
side, and combine that with the fact that Nintendo is now releasing a more
powerful version of the game Boy, it looks like portable gaming is here to
stay. However, I do see a few changes: First off, I think a lot of portable
games will be able to hook up to versions of the same game on the consoles to
offer extra options, ala Mario Golf. Second; little quirky things like
e-mail, phone line connection (hey, its already happening in Japan), and
greater exploitation of things like the Pocketstation and the VMU will run
rampant and will become a standard part of future portable machines. I also
see the trend of porting games from older systems onto new portables
continuing, which is a good thing. I think its a great idea, I mean it gives
people that missed classics a chance to play them, and it gives older gamers
the ability to take these nostalgia filled games on the road. And I also see
the possibility for portables to become a heaven for "old school games" as
well. I mean, if a portable machine starts looking like a polished Snes, why
not develop Snes style side scrollers and RPGs for it? Overall, the
possibilities for the future of portable gaming are pretty much wide open,
and I see portables sticking around for a long time to come.
-Justin Freeman
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You got me on that one, Justin. I admit that I'd completely forgotten about the games you've mentioned.
Be glad that you're reading a column, but be furious that it's going to end. There, how's that do you for?
Anyway, I agree that handhelds aren't going anywhere. Like it or not, we're always going to have to put up with that pesky "leaving the house" stuff. By their nature, handhelds are meant to supply us with something to do while we're away from our consoles. Because of this, I suspect that you're estimations will prove to be correct. Call it a PDA, a VMU, or whatever suits your fancy; it seems these little devices intended to compliment console games are the current trend. Nintendo allows for the Gameboy to be hooked up to the N64, Sony has their PDA, and Sega has the VMU. Every one is intended just to give you a diversion when seperated from the main console itself.
Whether or not we'll see a handheld rivaling the power of the SNES down the road will be interesting to see. On one hand, it would be an excellent home for all of those 2D games you know and love. Especially when you take into consideration the 3D focus of the upcoming consoles. However, most companies want to keep their handheld devices cheap since they're only meant as compliments to the console itself. Sega's shown that a powerful, 16 bit handheld can be done with the Nomad. Unfortunately, it was too bulky and expensive, and by the time it came out, nobody really cared about Genesis games anymore.
| Warning: gratuitious use of the word "penis" |
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I've got a great idea for YOU!
Yes, YOU!
Rename the Double Agent to...Are you ready for this? My Penis!
Think about all the possibilties!
"I'm afraid My Penis is going to be short today."
"Whew! At this rate My Penis is going to be huge today."
"Are you all ready for My Penis?"
"Hope you enjoyed My Penis today."
"My Penis: Where Avid Gamers Go"
"My Penis is going to be handled by AK on the weekends."
"My Penis is one of the most popular parts of the site, believe it or
not."
"My wrists are getting cramps from all the work I do on My Penis."
This is but a mere fraction of the many options you have opened up to
you with this simple cosmetic change.
Spending a day doing really brainless work certainly makes
one...Freakin' weird.
~Ian P.
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I thought about naming the column "Ian's Penis" for a while there. But, if I did that the column could only be one, maybe two letters long at most, and they'd all have to be arranged off to the left.
I thing that just fulfilled my "that is so wrong" quota for the week.
| Old, shitty Gameboy |
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Who the hell would want to play an old shitty gameboy when we have Playstations!?! And you better well damn give me that cookie boy or you're going to have hell to pay.
-Lord Nick of the Communist Space Ninjas
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Unless you know of a way to play your Playstation on the road, I think the answer to that question is obvious. You can't exactly hold your Playstation in the palm of your hand and take it with you on long car trips, now can you?
Drew Cosner, Master of the Obvious.
| I can't see that little screen |
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Howdy.
I hate handheld gaming. I totally despise it. I realise that there are now
a ton of great games coming out on portable systems, but I simply cannot
bring myself to use those dinky little consoles. At home I use two 21"
monitors doing 1600x1200, and it causes me intense physical pain to even
look at a Gameboy's pathetic tiny backlit screen. The only way that I'm
going to start buying Gameboy games or any other games for portable
systems, is if they release add-ons like the Super Gameboy which allow the
games to be played on a TV screen. Unfortunately even the Super Gameboy
doesn't cut it because it lacks Gameboy Color support. *sigh*
-Arpad Korossy
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Unfortunately, that's always going to be an inherent problem with handheld gaming. Seeing as they are meant to fit easily into your pocket and run using minimal battery power, having a huge, brightly-lit screen isn't much of a possiblity. I'm sure that down the road an inexpensive and colorful display will be possible, but size will always be a concern.
| We need that like we need a hole in our heads |
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Handheld gaming... that's such an archaic term. Eventually in the future, when the Dreamcast has become our indisputable lord and master, portable gaming will no longer be limited to the holding of the hand. How is this possible, you say? Simple. Using a small microchip and a jack on the side of the head, games can be played through the brain. Graphics will be displayed on the lens of the eye, and controls will be issued with a thought. Because of the way graphics are displayed, they will be 50 times better than that crappy Playstation 2. Best of all, you can play all day; no one will be able to tell if you're wired or not. Unfortunately, this will divert the 1% of the brain we nomally use in real life, and on July 17, 2005, everyone will simultaneously get hit by a bus, fall off a tall building, and drown in their toilet. May God save our souls.
-Morpheus, who is drilling a hole in his head to get ready
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I think you're right, except for the part about dying. Through the use of the chips implanted into all of our heads, the Dreamcasts will be able to assume complete and total control over the all of humanity. From then on, the Dreamcasts will know when we have any negative thoughts or intentions other than that of servitude. Feel like playing a little Mario 64? It's been nice knowing you, buddy. The Dreamcast Thought Police will be upon you like a group of hobos on a discarded bottle of gin.
The Dreamcasts will own our bodies. The Dreamcasts will steal our souls. The Dreamcasts will farm our children for energy to power themselves. The Dreamcasts will force us to drink Spam Lite through a straw.
| That is so wrong |
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Handheld gaming huh? I believe this is a thing of the past. We, the gamers
of society, have become fat and consumed by our own lard. We do not desire
to have to hold a game in our hands, I mean, holding the controller and
moving our thumbs was pushing it, but holding an entire minature system, not
in this life time. I strongly feel that handheld gaming will quickly move
into an implanted chip directly into your penis (studies show this is the
most direct route to our brains) This will revolutionize the gaming
industry, and for those who are too fat to reach thier penis, it will allow
them to be stimulated with the addition of the masturbation add on. It has
been dubbed Sega's Master System 2.
-Bat Man
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That's probably how the Dreamcasts will lure people into having a chip stuck inside of their bodies in the beginning.
| Yes, I do love you |
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Howdy Drew. You love us enough to work on Saturday? We all love you too.
*sniff*
Anyway, you asked about it, so we'll talk about it. I think handheld
gaming will be popular as long people want something to do on trips,
waiting in the doctor's office, or doing whatever is keeping them away from
the televison. That will be for a long time. And as with any kind of
computer technology, we can pretty much expect handheld games to get more
advanced over time.
But I don't think graphics are very important on handheld games. Why do
you suppose the Gameboy remained popular during its entire lifespan? If I
was concerned about good graphics, then the first thing I would want was
not to squint into a little screen.
Then again, the new handheld machines usually seem to be a generation
behind the consoles. That means when the Playstation 2 and Dolphin get
situated, there should be handheld machines equivalent to the Playstation
and Nintendo 64. Wouldn't a handheld N64 be cool (with the cute little
Gameboy-sized cartridges)? Or even a CD-based handheld system.
I think we can expect that for a long time to come, all the big games like
Zelda 64 and Final Fantasy will stay with consoles or computers (and I'm
not talking about the little Gameboy Zeldas on the side) with, at best,
scaled-down handheld versions released later and as an afterthought.
That's it. Have fun and keep bringing us those exciting columns.
-Pepper 2000
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Unless a company is willing to create a propretary disc format, CDs are a bit too large to be put to use effectively in a handheld device. Sure, it could be done, but half the reason you buy a handheld is so you have a little toy to play with that fits easily into your pocket. I don't think anybody's going to be too keen on fitting a system even wider than a CD into their lapel pockets.
Closing Comments
Okay, so now you can get the dose of AK you've been waiting for. Click the link, mail some letters, rejoice and be happy!
-Drew Cosner
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