Andrew,

I was really bored and wrote this randomly. The sad thing is that this guy is probably gonna be me in 50 years.

Ya'll whippersnappers come 'round this campfire. Eh-hem. Did I jus' hear you complain about a game's graphics? Dagnabet! You kids got it darn good. When I was your age, we didn't have fancy graphics. No siree. We had squashed lookin' sprites. No, Billy! Not da' drink. Sprites. Damn kids don't know the difference between a graphical picture and a softdrink. Anyhoo', dey were like tiny drawings. Not any of this flashy polygon or watercolor crap you kids got today. No siree. Little squashed people. And you know what? We complimented companies for makin' da' 2 inch sprite women look hot. Yes siree.

Now, kids. We didn't have a complicated story when we were your age. No sir. We were happy with finding 4 crystals and kickin' a tree's ass. And THAT was da' story. Main man didn't even gets none, and like I said before, these sprite women were hot. You don't see a main character male not gettin' any by the end of the game now-a-days do ya'? Well, times was different then.

Which brings me to another point. In our day, we ain't walk out of the room when a fight began. No siree. We fought the battle or left the AI (which was pretty dumb back then) to cast powerful spells on small enemies and weak spells on bosses. And you know that Ultra-Super Job/Ability System DX in that game you jes' got? Well, in my day, game designers were just whippin' their asses with the original Job/Ability system. And that's not all. We had real mazes. None of this sissy crap that you and your friends go through. Ya'll jus' seperated the letters. When I was a kid it was 'amaze'. Now-a-days it's just 'a maze'. See the difference?

And our damn music was better too. We didn't have no famous music groups doin' our music. Hell, no. We had good composers who knew what the hell what they were doin'. And music was hummable. You can't hum none of this Post-Neo-New Age Rock/Rap/Techno/Soul crap you kids be playin' in you games. I still get chills when I think about gettin' on yellow ostriches and hearin' a catchy tune.

And you damn kids have it easy. I remember fighting a giant four-part boss with a whiny theme song and an' cheap sound-bit laugh. I fought a guy with big shoulder pads with earrings on them. I fought a hippie in a game, and he wasn't even a boss. What d'you kids fight these days? A tall guy with red eyes and a tail? If only you kids know how unoriginal that is. Fightin' Satan ain't original. Damn you kids. And he wasn't even hard. In my day we leveled up like hell before a boss. You kids just move on through as if he was a random encounter.

What's a random encounter, Billy? Ohhh....if you only knew. Every three steps.... Yes you damn right the computer somehow counted 'em. Every three steps, a monster who always looked the same would attack. And it just kept happening and happening. And you was jus' plain happy when the boss came because that meant that there were probably no more random encounters.

Anyhoo', yo' gramps in gettin' mighty tired from tellin' you kids what a real game is. You go play your Tomb Raider 20: The Space Adventures of Lara Croft the 3rd or whatever you damn kids buy now-a-days. And don't you complain, or I tell you about how portable gaming was in black and white and how we had to.......Zzzzzz....Zzzzzzz.

Mike Drucker

I know I missed Free Topic Friday, but I don't care. You know what pisses me off? All those commercials poking fun at the Blair Witch Project. First it was Detroit Rock City and American Pie, now it's Two Guys A Girl and a Pizza Place and any number of local car dealerships that advertise their prices on how they're so low they're scary. (An example is a guy running through a forest and running into a Toyota in the middle of nowhere) The Blair Witch Project has, IMO, some of the best commercials I've ever seen, so it sucks to see them being ripped at like that. They also make fun of the other good commercials, like the Snuggle Bear and Mountain Dew. (Think Sprite with the sports. Maybe Sprite makes you suck at snowboarding, but that's why I don't drink Sprite.) I feel that we must stop this from happening, and therefore we must PROTEST!!! Stop the abuse of our commercials! We cannot tolerate this kind of behavior between companies! As a result of this, I'm making a Commercial Protection Petition on my message board. Since I know you and most of the Double Agent readers might have signed one to get some game uncensored for US Release, I'm asking everyone who reads this to go to my message board (www.i.am/oddbrain) and sign the petition that I have there. Hopefully I (And many other people, including yourself) can make TV a better place to advertise!

Oddbrain

Personally I think that the mere label or hard core for anything is rather silly--especially in the sense of something such as gaming. Games are meant to played, and we are supposed to have fun playing them. So to me saying that someone is a "hard-core" gamer is a rather goofy sounding paradox--it suggests taking a fun activity such as gaming too seriously.

Now I could brag about how I started playing Nintendo when I was five (more than eleven years ago), or how I was a Pac Man expert at the age of four (Commodore computer, baby!). It's pointless drivel, it doesn't matter, and no one cares anyway. Damn.

So, in the sense of devoting a lot of time to videogames, I think twelve years or so would definitely classify me as a hard-core gamer. But hard-core gamer just sounds so goofy, so stupid, so WRONG that I just don't care. I play games because I like them. Other people play games because they like them. And I don't give other people labels or ranks or whatever because of their tastes.

So, I'm not bashing anyone at all, I'm just saying that the constant arguments over what makes a Harare gamer and whatnot are pointless. If you've been playing games for twenty years, good for you, and I envy you. If your experience began with Final Fantasy VII, welcome aboard, there's still lots to see and do. But either way, shut up.

I think that the point I'm veering towards is that there is really no such thing as a "hard-core" gamer. At least to me anyway. And seemingly not to the people at the GIA...

HypeSpider
PS-Why does Ian P always get his letters printed? I've gotten a few of my works printed, but not nearly as much as Master P! What, a brother can't voice his opinion? The f*ck is that?

AK: Cloud Strife...Completely useless, but still used frequently. Because dammit, he just looks good.

Can't believe no one had that in their party ;)

Winking at you playfully,
~Ian P.

First, in your UJL review, you said you were dancing around in a big room with your buddy. Then in DA, you say you can't dance. Excuse me? Isn't this a bit....contradicting? I'm on to you, Andrew. I don't like your style, sister.

Also, I keep getting these annoying sores on my lips. Why? How do I get rid of them?

-More than you need to know, Hawkeye

Dear Andrew:

Are you the same little troll that has been plaguing the FF related newsgroups for the last few years acting as though he knows everything about everything and wasn't afraid to abrasively tell everyone about it? From your columns I would argue that either...

A. You're not that little arrogant whelp.

or

B. You've matured and are now a respectable fellow.

This is really not meant as an insult if you are the latter, please take it as a compliment.

Take Care,

David

INTRO -- The camera zooms through space, and many stars... oh, the beauty of the universe... relaxing... and then the camera zooms down on a building, ovalish shaped. We see three characters enter the building: A leader of a punk band, named Clod, a bitch-and-a-half with big breasts, named Fajita, and a big, muscle-bound black man with a gun on his arm and the number '34' written on his belly, for he isnt wearing a top, appear... with tickets in their hands. Yes, kiddies, it's time for NFL Blitz RPG. Battle the bastard Dallas Cowboys, who only care about sex, drugs, and money. They're taking over dah NFL (or at least were a couple years ago) with their fancy arsed cowboys merchandise. The three go to a cowboys game, only to be spit on by the star quarterback, Mr. Clean. Now, they must find the locker room, kick his ass, and beat the SHIT out of Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys. But that isn't all. You'll succeed in blowing up the stadium, but Jerry Jones shall escape. But, before this happens, Inspector Gadget joins your party. He has special Gadget skills, which are rather obscene, so i won't list them here. Anyway, there are three more stadiums to blow up, following Jerry Jones around Texas, the stadiums of the other three dallas major sports teams. After you do all of this, Jerry announes he's running for president. You will have to follow him to Washington D. C., but it wont be easy; first, you'll need a Chocolate Dodo. However, he isn't the final boss, BUT I DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY ANY MORE SPOLIERS. No refs. No rules. No mercy. NFL Blitz RPG.

- Hall of Fame Announcer, Harry Carey