Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I get the distinct feeling that I am going to regret today's column. Don't say I didn't warn you.

In an effort to latch on to current trends, today's column was created on a shoestring budget using poor filming equipment and relatively unknown actors. If you don't like it, you're obviously not hardcore.

I owe my life to Chu-Chu. Until I saw the strange, vaguely homoerotic pink dust mop, I was headed for a life of crime and debauchery. Who needs whores and illegal substances when you have Chu-Chu to satisfy all of your gamer needs? Often we would lie awake in bed, laughing about how ugly and stupid she looked.

At least until I found out about her little orgies. That certainly put a quick end to our relationship.

Of course, it seems that Square has now initiated a "Cute Character" policy, judging by Legend of Mana and Chrono Cross. For all of you people who can't get enough of those obnoxious, fluffy anthromorphic side characters, you should be in thrilled. Of course, digging fluffy anthromorphic side characters would make you a bonafide freaking pervert.

I can't decide if this guy thinks that Barret's character was similar in concept to that of Frog, or if he actually perceived a huge, black man with a gun for an arm as an amphibian.

That's certainly an explanation I hadn't thought up, I'll give him that.

At a recent board meeting, Sony's chairmen decided that the company's name alone would be enough to push the Playstation through the coming holiday season. As such, they felt that running one ad during a "Kids in the Hall" rerun on Comedy Central would be plenty. The commercial consists of a 5 second close-up of a sheet of notebook paper with "Playstation rules" written across it.

Either that or Brian made a bit of a mistake and forgot a few zeros there. But I like my explanation better.

There was a time when I would have agreed with you, Theo. After all, we all know that a song can't have a sexual orientation, right? That's certainly what I thought. At least until The Prelude started hitting on me in the local gym's public shower.

Hey, and one insanely bad attempt at humor deserves another, am I right?

Man, it's just a damned good thing that this is a joke. Seriously, who the hell could look at a Jar Jar Binks doll and think to his or herself, "Yeah... I could definitely masturbate with that?" Humanity may suck, but I'd like to think that we haven't quite sunk to that level just yet.

Closing Comments

I think the best way to open up with what I'm about to do with the rest of the column is with a bit of an explanation. There was a time when being a "hardcore" gamer was seen as a good thing. Originally, the word just meant that you were willing to devote some decent time and cash to an otherwise obscure hobby: gaming. But at some point, it was decided that in order to consider yourself "hardcore" you had to display a complete inability to accept change and progress in technology.

And I'll let you in on a little secret. We here at the GIA use the term "hardcore" as an insult. To better illustrate our attitude, take this simple test. You might be a "hardcore gamer" if:

• The mere whisper of "3D" sends you into a ranting fit
• You decided that Final Fantasy VIII was going to suck the moment you saw a car in a screenshot.
• You believe that no company should advertise its games, especially not with television commercials.
• Should someone insult any ancient NES RPG in your presence, or even suggest that a newer game was superior in any respect at all, you accuse this person of playing Final Fantasy VII as their first RPG.
• You try to convince all of your friends that gameplay is truly at the heart of each new Mega Man title.
• You think Zelda 1 was superior to Zelda 64 in every way
• You begged for a Chrono Trigger sequel for years. When Square finally delivered, you attacked them for daring to change the game in any way.
• The only reason you play newer RPGs is so that you can later nitpick and insult them.
• You get genuinely upset when somebody mispronounces "Ys."
• You can't accept the existence of newcomers to the RPG genre.
• You feel that the presence of technology is grounds for disliking a game.

Now, you're probably wondering where the hell I'm going with all this. Well, the worst has happened, ladies and gentlemen; the "hardcore" attitude has infested GameFan, a more or less respected publication. Their recent Final Fantasy VIII review was a travesty against everything game journalists -- and gamers -- hold dear. Following are the comments each of the three reviewers made about the game, interspersed with my thoughts on their unsubstantiated opinions. Brace yourselves.

ECM's review

"So where do you think this Viewpoint is headed? I despised FFVII and I like FFVIII even less. Bland, pixelated battle sequences; drab, lifeless rendered locales (who needs hand-drawn backgrounds); the best music MIDI could conjure up. Listen, this game is gonna sell in droves to the large group of people that never experienced a real Square RPG (FF2&3)- do us all a favor and buy FF Anthology and skip this "next gen power." Graphics- 7, Control- 7, PlayMechanics- 6, Music- 4, Originality- 5 Overall- 68

From the very first sentence, it's apparent that he had made up his mind to dislike Final Fantasy VIII before he'd even played it. The battle sequences consist of some of the finest graphics you will ever see on the Playstation, period, and are no more pixelated than any other PSX game. The presentation far exceeds what most had believed possible on the aging console.

Square's titles have always chosen musical variety over redbook quality, and dismissing the songs because of the format is pre-judgemental at best. The non-sequitur regarding hand-drawn backgrounds is out of place; dictating art direction according to genre only leads to stagnation Somewhere along the line, this review of FF VIII became a teary-eyed retrospective instead.

While ECM couldn't stand the graphics, Dangohead apparently feels that they're just too good. God forbid an RPG look pleasing to the eye. Especially ironic is that this criticsm of "style over substance" comes from the very same people who practically creamed their pants over the anime sequences in Lunar. But I guess that since Lunar's animation is hand drawn, that makes it okay, huh? Dango elaborates upon just how good the graphics are: they're "nice." Put the thesaurus away, buddy, you lost me there!

The Guardian Force, Draw, and Junction systems are every bit as deep as systems found in previous titles, offering vast customizability and a wealth of player-controlled options.

And FFVIII's story, while full of enjoyable plot twists and startling revelations, is certainly far from muddled and overwrought. Unlike Final Fantasy VII's rushed scenario, Final Fantasy VIII is coherent from start to finish. You may have to pay attention, but that's the price of knowledge.

It's a shame both he and his fellow reviewer didn't enjoy the game, but their job is to give a fair judgement, and to let people know whether or not they will enjoy it. Not to tell you that they disliked it, as there's no accounting for personal taste.

This man may not back his opinions up in any way, but at least he doesn't stand atop a soap box and denounce FFVIII based simply on the grounds that it's new.

My issue with these reviews is not that the reviewers didn't like the game. It's not that they enjoyed older titles in the series more. I can totally respect their opinion. The reviews seem more like entries into a "hardcore" pissing contest than the honest reviews that the game (and the readers) deserve. It's a shame that these hopelessly biased rantings may actually influence some gamers' playing decisions.

Obviously, your opinions regarding this massive rant will be the topic of tomorrow's column. Have fun.

-Drew Cosner