Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. By reading this column, you grant the GIA full permission to repossess your kidneys. Don't say I didn't warn you.

According to the Denver Post, a children's pastor in Colorado Springs spoke out against Nintendo's Pokémon franchise during a service on Wednesday, declaring Pokémon evil and associating it with "the powers of darkness." Mark Juvera of the Grace Fellowship Church spoke to 85 children between the ages of 6 and 12 about the evils of Pokémon.

As part of his sermon, Juvera used a blowtorch to incinerate Pokémon trading cards and used a 30-inch sword to strike at a plastic Pokémon figure, while children watched on and chanted "Burn it. Burn it," and "Chop it up. Chop it up." Juvera's son, aged 9, also tore the head and limbs off a Pokémon doll during the demonstration. You can bet Pikachu was among the figures used.

The Denver Post's story goes on to state that the church first became aware of the evils inherent in Pokémon after receiving, via e-mail, an essay about Pokémon. According to the Denver Post, "the essay says Pokémon encourages role-playing that elevates children over God to the position of master and that the games and toys are laced with dark references."

Hi. My name is Brian Glick. Is anyone else as afraid of humanity as I am?

That's an excellent point, Benny. On the same track, if you spend six months worth of allowance on the DreamStation 64 and find that it flops two months later, you might make an extra special effort to rave about the system and blast the competition to avoid admitting you made a poor choice down at the local store.

One line above just screams to be repeated: "No, girls can't change a man, but games can (especially FF games)."

Ladies, take note: if you're having trouble molding your man into the sensitive, communicative, and honest mate you're looking for, just take up video game design. Even Atlus has claimed Thousand Arms' dating aspects could assist would-be romantics. "Experience points" could take on a whole new meaning.

The hypocrisy is painfully apparent. I don't think Shosetsu has truly taken a long, hard look at the underlying value found in so-called "boy bands" and "girly magazines." Boy bands, for one, often mix in deeply meaningful messages with their flashy showtunes. The Backstreet Boys' "I Need You Tonight" deals with the intense need a young man often has for reciprocal companionship and emotional communication. Thankfully, the Backstreet Boys have no need to worry should they ever feel lonely: literally millions of female listeners are strongly devoted to caring for the 'Boys, often covering their rooms with magazine fold-out photographs. Similarly, "girly" magazines offer young women valuable tips necessary to escape the awkwardness anyone past adolesence has experienced. No one deserves to show up on a date sporting lipstick that doesn't match your eyeliner. Shosetsu, wake up! You can't continue stereotyping!

Drew isn't the only one who can dish out lessons in sarcasm.

Lunar's a fantastic game, don't get me wrong. Any game that can work in jokes about sex, masturbation, and Star Wars while still staying within the boundaries of good taste is certainly on the right track to an instant gaming hit. But some things, like poor music (especially in comparison to the beautiful Sega CD tracks) and lackluster use of the 2D engine in some areas (namely, spell effects and rare transparency usage) hurt the overall experience. At least I didn't criticize Working Designs for not including Lunar 2: Eternal Blue with the game. *coughcoughGameProcoughcough*

You're certainly not the only one tired of monster breeding, but the five thousand people (minus parents) regularly lined up to take part in the Pokémon Mall Tour at each stop definitely aren't. The Pokémon Movie and Nintendo's new (and admittedly excellent) titles in the franchise will definitely keep the craze going for at least a few more years. I'm curious to see how well Tecmo's Monster Rancher cartoon will do in the US when it starts later this month. Anyone else just plain sick of Tamagotchi-this and Aibo-that?

Star Ocean: The Second Story is actually a sequel to one of Japan's most popular Super Famicom RPGs, Star Ocean. The 48 Mb juggernaut was released in the final months of the system's life and is largely considered to be one of the best -- if not the best -- RPGs never to see an English release. Much like the direct PSX sequel, Star Ocean had tons of voice acting (at least, for a SNES title), a massive skill system, real-time battles, and character relations based on "emotional points." It took place 20 years prior to Star Ocean 2, and starred, among others, Ronixis Kenny -- Claude's father.

I think Star Ocean 2 is extremely worthy of purchase if you don't mind a slower-paced RPG with scads of options and secrets. For another opinion, be sure to check out Fritz's review here.

Actually, we've always gone by Square's date. Granted, their Toyota Sweepstakes magazine advertisements said September 9th, but those were originally designed long before their press release was put out, which clearly said the 7th. A second press release from only a few weeks ago also mentioned the 7th as the date for FF VIII. Only now have they publically modified their schedule to the 9th.

Square, I sure hope you're listening.

Yeah, it's quite likely we'll see the game in action at Nintendo's annual Japanese "Space World" show, which runs from August 27th to the 29th. Actually, you and I will probably be watching Friends reruns here in North America to get ready for the resolution to the big cliffhanger. But someone will help us out and fill us in on what the game's like.

Drew, I've got to hand it to you. Thanks to your endorsement, only a handful of letter-writers failed to mention "Big Lick" somewhere. I guess I'd better squash some of the more obscene images some people have been thinking up.

"Big Lick" is simply a misinterpretation of my email username, "bglick". While Andrew Kaufmann contests the story, claiming he came up with it first, it really came about when I received a message via IRC (online chatting) from a woman who noticed it and wondered if it had anything to do with a distinctive skill in bed. I checked her online info and discovered that she was happily chatting away in a channel (chat room) known as "#sex". I've been trying to live it down ever since.

Closing Comments

Due to late updates I've only been able to update once this weekend, but I'm certainly looking forward to having the chance again in the future. To close, I've got a devilish proposition: can anyone possibly defeat my score of 14.7 billion in Pokémon Pinball? Mwa ha ha!

-Brian Glick, the monster who doesn't belong in this world