Slip this one in while nobody's looking - August 13th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I was dreaming when I wrote this, so screw me if it goes too fast. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Am I the only person who finds these Coors commercials extolling the virtues of John Elway extremely idiotic? If you're unfamiliar with them, they feature an all-too pleasant looking man justifying his homosexual lust for John Elway by pointing out everything and anything even remotely notable about the man's football career.
The average ad goes along the lines of, "Upon spending the time of his Second Coming playing college and professional football, Jesus "John Elway" Christ reascended to the heavens to once again take his place at the side of his Almighty Father. Now, you may think that my interpretation of Elway as a divine being of pure light would mean that I also stalk him and wish for nothing more than a true sex change so that I could bear his children. And you know what? You're right."
We as a society need to take a stand against the dark and monolithic presence represented by television and radio commercials, serving as an overall insult to our collective intelligence. I find it hard to believe that the tripe I see on the set was created by a team of grown men and women with college degrees. Call me strange, but those Elway ads do not increase my desire to drink Coors Light. Think me odd, but a bunch of teenagers that look as though they were hired from the local homeless shelter singing a generic rythmic song does not make me want to wear the Gap's hideous vests. And sorry, Sega, but as cool as the Dreamcast looks, nobody's buying this Artificial Intelligence crap.
| A little hate goes a long way |
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So, you want to know what ticks me off the most about being a gamer?
Well, there are a two things.. The first has to be when someone thinks
they're this massive RPG fan when the only RPG they've played is FFVII, and
all they talk about is how they can't wait for FFVIII. One of they reasons is
because they love the CG. I actualy had a friend say, "Heh, the only reason
I'm buying FFVIII is because of the FMV, heh". I was supposed to laugh at
this? I wanted to rip his head off. Also, one day, I showed him a preview of
Lunar: SSSC(Which I loved, by the way), and do you know what he said? He
said, "...I hate those kind of graphics". At this point, I wanted to know if
he was messed up in the head. RPG fans, or any true gamer, knows that
graphics don't make the game. For and RPG, the story is the greatest part of
the game, atleast I think so. This guy also examines every games graphics
like it's his job. One day, I was playing Xenogears, he says, "The sprites
are terrible, so are the backrounds." All I have to say to that is, WHO
CARES?! The GAME is frigin awesome! He also refuses play classics like Chrono
Trigger or FFIV because they're on SNES and he doesn't want to waste his
money on them.. What I'm trying to say here is that people that think they're
true gamers, but have all the qualities of a non-gamer make me sick! These
are the people that usualy participate in system wars. Sometime you just want
to slap some sense into 'em.
Second, I hate system wars. I really do. You might think I'm just
another one of those fakes that says this to stick out, but I truely do. If
you call yourself a gamer, and bash Dreamcast like crazy, but you've never
played it..I have one word for you, and it's NON-GAMER! I mean, this system
is truely awesome. There's so many great games for it.. I also think
Dreamcast will deliver when it comes to RPG's. There are already a handfull
planned. Like someone said in one of the older letters, it took Sony a long
time to get a good RPG out there, so give Dreamcast a chance with this. Also,
people seem to think Square is the only company that can make a good RPG.
They're definatly my favorite developer, but I also think it's possible to
make a good RPG without them. So, to all the people that make fun of
Dreamcast on a daily basis and haven't played it, PLAY IT. I think you'll
stop bashing it after you're done playing Soul Calibur for the first time.
Now, don't think I'm some Sega-freak, because I'm not..I'm a gamer. I WILL
buy PS2, I WILL buy Dolphin, and ya know what? I'll enjoy it! I won't hold
myself back from a great gaming experience for no reason. That's right,
there's no reason for system wars. Games are meant to be played, and to have
fun with. They're not meant to start fights. So while everyone else is
argueing over which system is better, I'll be sitting back, having fun
playing DC, PS2, Dolphin, whatever. System wars suck! No, the people that
participate in them suck!
-Unit-01
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How dare he prefer 3D to 2D? Where does he get off enjoying FFVII when he's never played FFIV or VI? We all know that you're not a true RPG fan if you enjoy any of the later games Square has made. Why, FFVII had technology! And FFVIII has cars! No good fantasy RPG can have such devices! By accepting modern and passing fads such as 3D, your friend has proven himself to be an obvoius graphics whore. Anybody who enjoys graphics that aren't archaic and dated in appearance is incredibly misguided.
You, sir, are obviously a man who can't put up with intolerance, and for that I applaud you.
Thus ends today's lesson in sarcasm.
| A Dreamcast made me write this |
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Drew,
After playing many Sega promos backwards, I've finally got the
message. Sure, Dreamcasts are fun. Sure, Dreamcasts are neat. Sure, I'll
end up buying one. But those bitches can think. Haven't baught a Dreamcast
game in a while? It'll know. And it'll be pissed. But the Dreamcast isn't
without a heart. It starts with a simple warning. Pictures of you on the
load up screen with a cord around your neck. Didn't buy a new game recently?
Think you can trick it by renting? I wouldn't, because it'll know. Broke
your VMU in frustration? Better buy a new one, or DC will smack you like a
red-headed step child. And don't try buying a PSX2 or a Dolphin. Why?
Because it'll know. They'll both magically disappear. Think you can brag
about beating the DC in Soul Calibur? I wouldn't. Soon as you know it,it'll
have it's little power cord around your neck. You'll scream, but by the time
the police get there, the Dreamcast is long gone, on its way to Mexico.
Don't mess with the Dreamcast, man. Why? Because it can think.
-Mike Drucker
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The Dreamcast knows your every fear and paranoia. It can cause you to hallucinate and to tear your own eyeballs out of their sockets to release the ants that you will swear are in your head. The Dreamcast can cause you to age prematurely. The Dreamcast can cause you to become incapable of arrousal at the least opportune times. The Dreamcast screws your mother when she's drunk and doesn't let you hear the end of it.
The Dreamcast knows when you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness' sake. Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Dreamcast knows. And should you relegate the Dreamcast to your closet along with your Atari 2600 and NES out of fear and loathing, you'll suddenly find that everyone in your hometown somehow knows about all of your secret desires.
I am fear, and Dreamcast be thy name.
| Here's a nice mental image for you |
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drew, i know this is gonna sound strange coming from a guy who offered
to kill someone for you, but you went too far. first off, cramming any
sega controller in any normal human oriface is gonna hurt like hell. but
a flight commander? dude, that's just harsh. i mean, damn. i don't think
jasmin st. claire could fit one of those things in comfortably.
-juno reactor
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Dude, there are people who have gone spelunking inside of Jasmine St. Claire. That woman could take a battering ram up the ass and not bat an eyelash.
| He likes the sauce |
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WHEN THERED MOON DAWNS UPON THE FORSAKEN LAND FOR TEH FOYRTH TIME, ALL THE
TALKINWOLVES WILL RISE UP ON TWO PAWS AND THEIR TAILES WILLTURN TO KNIFES.
TTHEY WILL CUTT ANDSLASH ATT THOSE WHO ARE TEH INCARNTIONS OFTHOSE WHO HAVE
DEID IN THE GRAT BATTLES OF THE OLD TIMES, LAGHINGG LIKE MADD AL THE WHILE.
AND THE ALLKNOWING LAMPSHADES WILL COME FOR THEIRREVENGEE, AND WE WILL ALL
PERISH, READER AND HUMBLE NARRATOR ALIKE.
-INSANLYDRUUNKEVILGENIUS
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This is why alchohol and internet access don't mix. Everyone, friends don't let friends email drunk. Had this man's companions cared enough about him to unplug that computer before he hit the send button, he would be alive today.
| Royalties |
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Hey Drew,
In an interview with Gamespot news some senior official with Sega said
that they "own" 9/9/99. And anyone else who is using that release date
is just giving them free advertising. Well, not to burst their bubble,
but on 9/9/99 I will be purchasing something else.
-future Ruler of the Universe and everyone's favorite guy
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No, you don't understand. Sega actually owns the date of 9/9/99. They purchased it from the Native Americans a few years back for a Pez necklace and a can of refried beans. Anyone who uses the date of 9/9/99 to exist must pay Sega royalties.
Other things owned by Sega include the state of New Jersey, the "Go" square in Monopoly, your soul, the letter "R", and oxygen. Anyone found using any of the above without paying Sega accordingly will have an entire team of sentinent Dreamcasts sent to "nuetralize" them.
| In the year 2000 |
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Dear Drew,
Me: Why do I think that Andy Richter and Bernie Stolar both left their jobs?
Well, to answer that question, we'll have to look into the future. All the
way...to the year 2000.
Drew: The year 2000, Conan?
Me: That's right, the year 2000.
(falsetto) IN THE YEAR 2000!
Drew: Several months after the departure of Andy Richter, sidekick
extraordinairre, from Late Night With Conan O'Brian, Andy is nowhere to be
found.
Me: Quite coincidentally, several months after HIS departure from Sega of
America, Bernie Stolar is also Missing In Action.
Drew: In Novermber, quite suddenly, and without warning, both men appear back
in the spotlight, together, forming their own video game console, the
Segtendony Playcast: PORPOISE.
(falsetto) IN THE YEAR 2000!
Me: The SP:P gains a record amount of presells, much higher than Stolar
achieved when he worked for Sega: a whopping 10 gazillion.
Drew: And Andy's emergence back into the public eye puts the world at ease,
finally solving the Ninth Wonder of the World: Just why in the hell did Andy
leave such a cushy job, and what did he mean when he said he wanted to
display the "entreprenuerial spirit"?
(falsetto) IN THE YEAR 2000!
Me: The first to break the story of the SP:P is, of course, those wacky guys
and gals down at the GIA, bringing instant fame to Drew Cosner, Andrew
Kauffman (but not Andrew Vestal...he dissappeared back in May), Tamzen Marie
Baker, Fritz Fraundorf and the rest.
Drew: And since I'm so rich and famous now, I don't need to work on this lame
"Year 2000" gig. Later, loser! (Drew storms off, laughing hysterically,
almost running over my dog with his car).
Me: uh...
Andrew Vestal: Don't worry, I'll take it from here!
Me: AV! Where were you, dude?
AV: Well, we were down at E3, and I got seperated from the rest of the guys,
and I was lost! But don't worry, I'm back now! So lets finish this up.
(falsetto) IN THE YEAR 2000!
AV: Because of his blatant copyright infringement of Conan O'Brian's "Year
2000" bit, Conan McBrian (that's me) is sued and pays out the ass for his
lame attempt at comedy.
Me: ... ... ... ...
AV: (cough)
Me: We got a great show up ahead, big stars, lots of fun, so stick around
we'll be right back!
-Conan McBrian
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50 bucks says AV accuses me of making this letter up myself.
| Spies like us |
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Bah why should I greet the likes of you, [Because I have those photos of you french kissing a Cookie Monster hand puppet, remember? -Drew]
Is it a coincidence that the day after you post several letters claiming that they will surely purchase a dreamcast and that it would definitely
kick ass (I'm not saying it won't) that Sega fires Mr. Stolar? No, its not you see. The army of trained monkeys they have constantly been monitoring
the internet alerted the former KGB agents now at the head of Sega's human resources department about a disturbance. They noticed an actual interest
in the Dreamcast and knew it must somehow stop. So they merely took Bernie over to Chuckie Cheese (his favorite night spot) and buried him in the
ball pen. After surfacing 2 hours later Mr. Stolar wandered aimlessly through the streets asking if anyone had seen his left shoe. Sega then made
the press release of Mr. Stolar's unfortunate release.
Is that enough though? No Sega then decided to separate Andy from Conan by offering a head position with their newest project BASM (Box Art with
Subliminal Messages.) Sega knew that if it could hide subliminal messages in Box Art that it would then be able to take control of GIA members minds
and invade the geo-synchronous satellite.
Ok so I'm full of shit,
-The commi spy with it all, Spy Guy...
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Congratulations, Spy Guy! You're the winner of my Bernie Stolar/Andy Richter theory contest. Of course, if I wasn't such a chintz, I may give you an actual prize. As it stands, all you're getting is a Sexalicious Award. Try not to piss your pants in excitement.
Although the Sexalicious Award won't make you more sexually potent, it will cause your sperm to develop two tails, aiding them in the swim. Unfortunately, it will also cause any children you may conceive to be horribly disfigured. Oh well, nothing's perfect.
| Talent on loan from John Elway |
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This pisses me off as well. I've been watching Conan O'Brian many a night
when I had to evolve that new pokemon I just caught. I wont watch any other
late night talk show, why? Cause the chemistry between Andy and Conan was
like Peanut Butter and Jelly, they go perfect together. Does Leno have this,
no, but he does have a big chin you can laugh at, does Letterman have this,
no but he does have weird teeth you can laugh at. Even Craig Kilborn doesent
have his old flair since he left the daily show. Conan is the sole redeemer
of Late Night. Why would Andy leave though? I can only speculate, but this
may be attributed to the evils of getting married. As you probably know,
they make both Andy and Connan do many things of a sexual nature, sometimes
of a homosexual nature. We all know these are all in fun and are purely
jokes, but the majority of women dont seem to get it. And wives are the
worst. But thats just my theory, and i dont give a crap if Ive just made
enemys of all the FemiNazis out there.
-Swag out.
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It's always cool receiving a letter from beloved radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh. Are you sure you don't want to offend a few ethnic minority groups while you're at it there, big guy?
| Dear Abby |
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I've got a crisis.
Until recently I was secure playing RPGs. Final Fantasy, Breath of Fire,
Wild ARMs...anything. It was all good.
Then my dad started making cracks about the music. According to him, it's
(and I quote) "Gay." This didn't bother me at first, but then I actually
listened to the music. And yes, while it does complement the game nicely,
the music is typically a little, um, upbeat. I speak, of course, of the
overworld and town themes.
Now I'm a little leery, but I play the games anyway. To hell with him,
right? But the other night he commented (in public, no less) about the
"Fairy Music" (Or "Faerie Music"; I'm assuming that the former is the
context he meant) that I listened to when I played my games. Needless to
say, I was mortified. I mean, what do you say to that?
My Dad knows damn well what I listen to. Every time he gets in my truck he
gets 150 dB of Stabbing Westward or Rob Zombie. I guess what I want to know
is what to do about all this. It's gotten to the point where I don't enjoy
playing RPGs anymore because I have to be careful about who's listening
around. Is this a common problem? Or is my Dad just a prick?
-Signed, Thinking He May Be a Bit Fruity
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Dear Thinking,
Your father probably is having a difficult time appreciating videogame music because of some experience he may have had as a child. Perhaps a videogame pushed him into a mud puddle or insulted him in front of a girl he liked. We simply cannot know for certain, and shouldn't jump to conclusions.
It sounds to me as though you and your father need to open your lines of communication a bit. Try watching television together, and by all means ask him about his childhood. Try taking long walks on the beach together. Keep the romance in your relationship by surprising your father now and then. Perhaps sending the kids to grandma's house for the night to enjoy a candle lit dinner and a warm shower together is just what you need to remind the two of you as to why you fell in love in the first place.
Closing Comments
Unfortunately, Andrew was caught smuggling cocaine into China, and as such he is unable to handle the column this weekend. Okay, so I embellished a bit. Andrew is moving all of his furniture into his dorm for the year, and is without an Internet connection because of this. Stepping up to take his place for the weekend is The GIA's very own Brian "Big Lick" Glick. Remember, he wishes he'd never admitted to that nick name, so we must continue to make him regret it like good little antagonists. And now, an important message from God.
-Drew Cosner, drunken brawler
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