Drew,

Recently, in your column, I've seen a lack of proper flame writing. Since I have way too much time on my hands, I will now explain the traditional ways to write flames.

All words ending in "ks" must be replaced by an "x". Examples include 'sucks' to 'sux' and 'thanks' to 'thanx'. All words ending "es" must be replaced by a "z". Examples include 'rules' to 'rulz'.

Capitalization is not good. The point of a flame is confuse the reader into thinking your unreasonable point of view is reasonable. Punctuation is optional, but not recommended.

Where ever your name may be on a flame, always remember to somehow have your name related to the thing you hate/dislike a change in. For example, if you write a flame about Final Fantasy VII, your name should be something like 'Mr. Strife' or 'FF-g-dawg'.

No one can hear your suffering, so shout with all caps and exclamation points. Lots of exclamation points.

Finally, even if you really liked a game, look for a problem to write a flame about. Any reason is a good reason. If the logo on a game's box is 2 cm shorter than on previous incarnations, then write a flame.

And always remember the most important rule of writing flames: you're right and they're wrong.

Mike Drucker, Master of the art of sarcasm

I'll give you one damn good reason why the FFM will stand apart from the disney and other kids movies. Its rating. I can guarentee you that the FFM will be rated either PG-13 or R. Square realizes that to brake into the american market they have to go for something more mature and intense. Hell, if they gave The Matrix a R rating (which I believe was kinda like a PG-13 movie on steroids) then the FFM, with its level of intensity and violance, will definetlly be rated above PG.

-The monster in your closet

Alright Andy, here's some questions you can make some clever, creative, and comedic responses to...

1) Do you, or have you ever worn a teddy?

2) I have this growth on my knee, it's kind of shaped like an elephant, should i be worried about this?

3) On a scale of 1-10, one being the lowest of course, how much does Hanson suck?

4) Would you advise withdrawling all your money from accounts before Y2K hits?

5) I always feel dirty after ordering porn from hotel rooms...no question here, i just wanted to get that off my chest.

6) Have you ever haerd of the band Elaphant Factory? it's a small band out of Mass. They kick ass, and i just wanted to plug them quickly.

7) How did you feel about the movie Contact?

8) Why don't we see any more video game system outcasts like we did about 4 yaers ago? where are the Vitual boys and the 32X's we all love to make fun of?

9) Where my girls are Andy? Where my girls at?

--Nick-bo

Nothing in your experience as a Double-Agent columnist could possibly prepare you for this interrogation...

Do you say Soda or Pop?

Opoggo

"One need only look at Square's track record to see that not only will the FFM be a flash in the pan, if that, it will probably be a great source of embassament and significant finacial loss to the company."

Spelling mistake aside, there's something buggered up about this statement. Square may have put out a few shitty Chocobo spinoffs recently, but when it comes to their big games, they still do a damn good job. Maybe the gameplay has been a little lacking (Xenogears), but that isn't going to crossover to the FF Movie. We already know that the FF Movie will have great graphics; the only other major things that will make the transition from game to movie are the story and the music. Looking at the latest three big Square games (excluding FF8), FF7, FFT and Xenogears, I see Square's three best stories and musical scores ever. It doesn't really matter how good the music is when it comes to the movie, it's going to be the story that matters and Square is in their storytelling prime. In addition to that, they have Al Reinert to give them a hand, whose screenplay for "Apollo 13" earned himself a nomination for a writing Oscar; "Apollo 13" was also nominated for Best Picture.

Can the FF Movie get an Oscar nod? My guess, even with the considerable talent Square has, is unfortunately "no." The last mainstream action films to get nominated were "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and "Star Wars," in 1981 and 1977 respectively. On the other hand, "The Fugitive" and "L.A. Confidential," although essentially dramas, have a good deal of action and were both nominated (1993 and 1997). I'm expecting the FF Movie to be something akin to these two movies intelligence-wise, so maybe an Oscar nomination isn't entirely out of range. But whatever the case, I do think that the FF Movie will get generally positive reviews, and that's the main thing - it'll show that FF has some intelligence and isn't just for kids. There may not be much buzz about it yet, but it is at least two years away - how many movies that are two years away (besides "Star Wars") are already creating a stir?

Back to EidosWetsuit's comment, I think that "finacial" loss is going to be the last thing that the FF Movie will bring to Square. Even if the story blows, visuals make money (Lost World, Armageddon, Independence Day, Episode 1, etc). Considering EidosWetsuit is "fairly deeply entrenched in the film industry," he's proved to be a slow learner.

My work here is done.

-CS-

P.S. One last note to EidosWetsuit - it's interesting that you damn other people for their bad spelling and grammar - you might want to reread your own letter.

all right, i've had just about all i can take from you, sir. firstly, everyone knows that keep left signs attack only in the summer months and then only after nightfall. that poor man looked dressed for colder weather. just what kind of stunt are you trying to pull with these lies you insist on spreading? besides, those aren't proper keep left signs anyway. . . now, bring me a shrubbery!

juno reactor, the dark knight who says 'nee'

Drew-

In response to 'pAul', who yesterday said that net play would be nothing more than a month-long fad... What the hell are you talking about? Ok, if you were to play Tekken over the net, one would assume that you would only be fighting one person at a time... Simply because there are a lot of people playing the game over the net doesn't mean that everyone is in one big game. I personally think that internet play for Tekken would be great. Wouldn't single player become, to quote you, "old as shit", when you've played the computer too many times? I am also one to see Final Fantasy Online. An example is Ultima. The regular games couldn't just be thrust into an online atmosphere, so they had to adapt it for many people to play. Of course, they would do the same for FFO. Regarding your remarks about PC games, I just don't see how you can generalize two great games like Quake and Starcraft like that. Try and become good at either of these games and you'll see exactly how much depth there is in them. Hell, play me in either of them, I'm up for a challenge. I suppose the general point you have to get is double headed. 1) PC game makers are not bluthering idiots that can only make horrible games. and 2) Online multiplayer games aren't simply the single player version of the game with a lot of people playing at the same time

ReigunRed

I think the modem/online play idea is a good one, but there's just one little problem. Doesn't anyone remember how SLOW modems are? I never thought it was too bad until I got ethernet. Now even a 56k seems to crawl. You have a gaming machine (psx for example) which runs at 60fps and you think that's going to play smoothly over a modem? If they can keep the modem use down to a bare minimum, I think it will work. But for games like Quake and other action games, net lag is a killer. Could you imagine playing some fighting game online with two lagged people? It would look like some kind of mentally challenged dance.

Also, if all playing data has to go through some sort of third party, it slows down even more. There are so many inconsistencies with the internet, you can't really predict any reliable speed. I can only see it working on certain genres which don't rely on a lot of interaction between two or more people. Turn-based strategy games, or RPGs. Obviously RPGs are msot suited to online playing. The whole idea of an entire world online, with each peron representing a REAL human being is pretty kick ass. Reminds me of the old BBS text games, for those who remember them.

I don't think anyone can say for sure until the dreamcast takes hold. I guess it's all on Sega's shoulders for now. (God, how scary is that?)

A sexually attractive jaywalker who ate spray cheese

P.S. By the way, for anyone who thinks I'm blowing smoke out of my ass, I'm a Computer Science major specializing in networking systems.