Double Agent
Mind games - August 1st, 1999 - Andrew Kaufmann

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot.


I think I'll start today's column by mentioning that air conditioning is a very, very, very good thing. On a similarly happy note, I read somewhere (I forget where...) that there's a Back to the Future 4 possibly being made. I think I speak for everyone when I say "We missed you Marty!"

Also, note that Drew will be back tomorrow, so be sure to send your time-sensitive queries to Drew. Your random, unimportant questions that can wait until a weekend can still come to me if you'd like.

I also feel obliged to make a reference to the message boards. Yes, they are coming back. Very soon. Fear not. We've all been scurrying around like crazy fools at GIA headquarters, working to get up some neat surprises for you. Patience my friends, patience!

Memories and conspiracies

Oy.

Never trust your memories, my fellow member of the gaming community, because it will secretly plot to destroy you as soon as you do. I meant Allan, and KNEW I meant Allan, but, upon dredging through my memory to think of the initials of that guy whose name starts with "A"....well. I hate my brain.

A side note, since I'm on the topic of names: I honestly do not understand how people's minds work. My last name is Smirnov. Smir-nov. Two syllables, pretty simple ones at that. Yet, it's usually pronounced Schmear-noff or Smurf-noff (I kid you not), despite my attempts at correcting the misprounouncees (hey, made up a word, nifty). However, as soon as I say, exasperated, "Oh, for the love of....it's like the vodka!," not only do they say it correctly, but they even correctly say the very end, with a v instead of a double f. The vodka, however, *is* spelled with a double f, at least in the U.S. I'm baffled.

There is no real point to this letter, but it's late and I felt like apologizing for my slip-up/bitching about people/enjoying the ride from my painkillers by flagrantly typing through my tendonitis. Whee.

Now, open up the next piece of mail in your box, and hopefully it will actually be something that will contribute to the column ^_^.

- Kristen


Hey, don't sweat mixing Allan and I up. We're both extremely handsome and likeable guys. Not only that, we're single, and incredibly rich! OK, maybe not RICH, in monetary terms, but rich in.. hair. I have no shortage of hair. I think the reason I have a lot of hair is because my memory brain cells have magically turned themselves into hair follicles. I have no memory whatsoever, but plenty of hair on my head. Coincidence? Not likely.

On the subject of names, I think people in general cannot pronounce other people's names. Toss in a foreign flavor, such as Kristen, err, Smirnov, and you'll totally throw people for a loop. Kaufmann is a German name, and it can be pronounced either "koff-man" or "kowf-man". I've heard it as "cuff-man" and "kaff-man". The last two were both by phone solicitors. Coincidence? Not likely. I think phone solicitors are all conspiring against humanity as a whole, slowly driving everyone crazy by mispronouncing names and calling at 8:00 AM on a Saturday.

A letter from Ian

I insist you print this letter on Brand Name alone.

~Ian P.

Anything for you, Ian.

Soccer RPG?

Regarding the Hockey-RPG, there was also a Soccer RPG for the Saturn in japan.. same idea as far as I know. Fight soccer teams (with an engine that supposedly rivaled the Fifa games), buy better equipment (cleats, shinguards, etc..) and the like. It looked pretty cool as well!

----
Brad Williams


I have a general prejudice against soccer ever since I was ridiculed for being one of the few people to break a finger in a hands-free sport, but I'll have to admit that game sounds as cool as the hockey game. I'd like to give that sucker a try. I bet next they'll make a lawn-mowing RPG. Now THAT would sell. "Mom... I want to mow the lawn but it's raining!" "Just play The Legend of the Mower, dearie!"

Omikron

"The PC version of Omikron: The Nomad Soul is still due out in November, but is outside the GIA's realm of coverage. "

Does GIA not cover PC games? Or just games like Omikron: The Nomad Soul?

-- Nazhuret


I hope I'm not deflating any balloons when I say that the GIA doesn't cover PC games. Sorry, Naz. We'd like too, but there are just too frickin many!

Genre Splicing 101

Hey I just played this game called super ninja brothers. Its like an RPG, in fact it looks almost exactly like Final fantasy 1, but instead of the battles being with menus etc., it transports into a battle-mode where your guy can move around and do his kung-fu. I wish they had an RPG nowadays where when you entered battle, it became either a fighting game or an action game. I figured I'd email this note because of the fear of mixing Genres. Well I'd like to see a little video game alchemy. A fighting RPG, yeah!! Like if you wnadered around in rotatable dungeons and stuff, but when you were attacked, it would zoom into a fighting thing. Unfortunately, it would limit the character party down to one. Unless it somehow AI'ed the others or something... which might be kinda cool. I dunno, what do you think? Are there any games like this out?

-Alexander3025


Genre splicing has quite a future, if you ask me. Game creators will get bored within the genres and mix and match and create new ones, such as "photography" (Pokesnap).

As for a fighter RPG... I believe Tobal 2 was one. Tobal 1 had a very weak RPG mode that Tobal 2 improved upon, or so I hear. I haven't personally played Tobal 2.

More anime stuff

Hey Andrew,

This is in response to Sanagi's insinuation that "Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind" invented the entire post-apocalyptic scenerio. I seem to remember a few movies in which there was a post-apocalyptic scenerio, namely "Blade Runner", and "The Terminator". In fact, Blade Runner was based on a popular book made in the late '70s. That was before anime even hit JAPAN, I believe.

OK, here are some real gaming questions, (and one about you Andrew)

1. What's the word on a Final Fantasy Tactics 2?

2. Can someone PLEASE explain the entire CG movie situation in FF5 & FF6?

3. I have a bet going. Are you really the "supossedly" late comedian Andy Kaufmann? If you are come out of retirement! (I know that was stupid but it was worth a shot)

Thanx!

-Solidus


I unfortunately still know nothing about anime, so I'll let your comments there stand alone. No word on Final Fantasy Tactics 2. I'd love to see it, though. The CG movies are as such: FF5 has two movies, one at the beginning, one at the end. FF6 has 3 movies: one at the beginning, one at the end, and one when entering the encyclopedia.

I hope I'm not costing you any money on this answer, but I'm not the same Andy Kaufman as the comedian. The main difference is that he's a comedic genius, and I'm not. That and he's Kaufman and I'm Kaufmann. He does have a movie based on his life coming out soon, however, starring Jim Carrey as Mr. Kaufman. It's titled Man on the Moon, named after the R.E.M. song featuring Andy Kaufman. R.E.M. is also doing the score for the movie, yay! Sorry, I had to get the plug for my favorite band in!


The dreaded LBS

Dear QAK (is that pronounced Kak or Quack?)

I suffer from a disease, no not chronic stupidity as that corny joke may imply but LBS, level building syndrome. I cant stop level building, the game wont let me. I just start playing, see an open area, then walk in circles mindlessly fighting enemies while eating chips and drinking Pepsi. Then when I start to really play the game all the boss battles are too damn easy, so I end up liking extremely difficult games like FF2 where some of the enemy fights could get insane if you didn't level build, but alas even that game was easy.

Do you know anyone else with LBS, is there a support group? Or do you know a good game which can somehow keep me interested with combat even if i start to level build (Tales of Destiny was cool but fighting got monotonous and then my save was erased :P). And another thing, i may like tedious level building but I'm tired of dungeons that last 2 fucking hours and then its only to get some stupid crystal and i see a 2 minute long talk seen only to get another 2 hour long dungeon quest and a new response when i talk to maybe 1 or 2 people in the fucking town. I'm better now.

Wendu U. Poo,
The Communist Jedi


I think it should be pronounced "quack", personally. But on to the real issue here, which is LBS. LBS is something that many people suffer from, actually. I have met several, but they all insist on remaining anonymous. Hopefully some will follow your lead and come forth and share their names, as misery loves company. At this point, however, it must remain confidential.

Many companies are trying to help you, though! A popular trend is to make enemy strength variable with the characters' levels, so that if you're very strong, so are they. This forces a bit more reliance on strategy. Final Fantasy Tactics was successful with this, as was Lunar.

Another treatment is available, but I can't recommend it with a clear conscience: the Gameshark. It can get you many of the LBS perks without the same amount of wasted time that is often associated with LBS. Unfortunately, there are side effects, and can lead to addiction. Consult your doctor.

Closing Comments

It's been a fun weekend, thanks guys! I'll catch you later.

-Andrew Kaufmann

 
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Drew. 'Nuff said.