I've got your Dino Crisis right here. - July 27th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. What the hell is the point of this damned disclaimer, anyhow? Don't say I didn't warn you.
You know, when I heard that there was going to be yet another member of the "survival horror" family in that of Dino Crisis, I was admittedly skeptical. I passed it off as Capcom's answer to Silent Hill. However, after playing it a bit, I have to say; I'm rather impressed. The graphics are excellent, and the lighting is the best I've seen on the Playstation. I didn't realize the ol' PSX was capable of cranking out this caliber of eye candy.
The music is the standard ambient fare, but the game is quite moody. The animation is smooth, and the dinosaurs are pretty vicious, if not the sharpest pencils in the box. Raptors are supposed to be incredibly clever, and yet you can stand behind an electrical field and they'll slam themselves into it for all eternity.
Blah, enough of this praising stuff. It makes me feel so dirty. Let's get the sarcasm flowing.
| One last Happy Meal letter |
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Oh man, those Happy Meal letters brought on waves of nostalgia.... But there's one Happy Meal that surpassed them all.... Remember the McDonald's Happy Meal Super Mario Brothers 3 promotion? Ahhh, that kicked so much ass! It represented a purity of essence that is absent in today's video game promotions. I don't think any videogame promotion could happen again like that one. It just wouldn't be the same. Picture a Turok:Rage War Happy Meal or something. It's just not the same!!
I remember when I would get that sunshiny thing called a Happy Meal... Pure and unadulterated joy enveloped me as I stared at the SMB3 box, which even had interesting hints and tips for the game it was promoting. I don't remember the toys too clearly, but they probably had like those flying turtles and stuff.... Do you think you could put up any pic's of the SMB3 Happy Meal and the toys that came with it? I'm sure it would make millions of other gamers who come to the GIA feel ecstatic joy along with me to see the treasures of their youth. Man, that SMB3 Happy Meal made me want to buy that game so bad, only to find out that I already had it. Then I would play it. And it was good.
-Ice_Man_Ash
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I think the Super Mario Brothers 3 Happy Meal was the only cool Happy Meal McDonalds ever made. Well, that and the Sonic the Hedgehog Happy meal. It was pretty cool, too. Of course, as games lose their childish image, McDonalds is somewhat less enthusiastic to strike deals with game companies.
That's a real shame. I'd love to put a Happy Meal gunblade in between the couch cushions for somebody to sit on.
| Censored for your convenience |
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Hey Drew,
I am so sick and [stinking] tired of dumb [silly] [bottom] holes thinkin that
videogames are just for some six year old kids. I mean when i talk about
games with my friends and some [goofy] idiot happens to over hear my
conversation, they just look at me like I'm the most pathetic [poopyhead] in the
world, and ask "You still play videogames?"
YES I PLAY [stinking] VIDEO GAMES, but that doesn't make me some sort of
[lousy] immature [guy], who sits around all [the live-long] day with his thumb up his
[nose] playin games. I mean gamers actually do have lives. I sneak out of the
house and go out drinkin with my buddies, all the [stinking] time like most
people. I probably go out and do a lot more [stuff] with my life than most
people do. Not that I'm an alcoholic, which is a whole other [stinking] issue.
Just cuz a guy goes out drinkin sometimes with his friends and he just
happens to be a few years underage doesn't make him an alcoholic. Man am I
sick with those [intrusive] morons out there.
Anyway, getting back to the subject, I just want to say that videogames
should get a lot more [stinking] respect. I'm sure that not even half the
[people] out there even heard of Final Fantasy, or even know what an RPG
is. Some of these games or more mature and have a kick [bottom] and deep storyline
that puts most of the movies out there to shame. Most people don't realize
or appreciate the leaps and bounds the gaming industry has made since the
days of mario.
Which brings me to my last subject, Nintendo. While Nintendo has made
some quality [stuff], they just won't let go of that baby image that they have.
They have good games, but the way they make them look makes people think that
all games are for six year olds. And because Nintendo is probably the most
know video game company in the states among the people that just don't know
better, they're making the rest of us look bad.
Anyway, I think its about [that] time that videogames got the respect
they deserve and that all the gamers out there should be [really] proud that
they are a part of the industry.
-Mike
P.S.- I would reaaly appreciate if you would put this letter up on the site,
to boost up gamer morale and maybe help some closet gamers come out.
I understand if you have to take out more than a few, if not all, the
profanities in this letter.
P.P.S.- I was [stinking] shocked about that Happymeal thing. I mean, I know that
Happymeal toys are supposed to suck ass, but this is [stinking] RIDICULOUS.
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Now that the GIA has gone corporate and has to keep its little happy-happy image intact, I had to substitute a few words in here and there for what you originally had. However, I think I managed to keep the original spirit of your letter intact with my clever word usage. Yes friends, even despite the disclaimer up there, I still have limitations in what I can and cannot print or say myself. Bummer, huh?
Addressing your comments, gaming is most definitely perceived as an activity strictly for nerds or jobless, scrubby, teenaged guys by the average adult. Okay, so there are a few adults that know better, but that's still the viewpoint held by the general public. Maybe not every gamer is a super-rad alchoholic like you, but most gamers do have social lives of some nature. At least amongst the younger crowd, gaming is becoming more mainstream by the day. Pretty much every person I know owns at least one system, and don't know of anyone in my general age group who's afraid to admit they enjoy a good game now and then. What would it take to make adults more aware of the true nature of gaming? Well, like I said yesterday, humans are basically a species of followers. Should gaming be represented in a generally respectable forum, such as awards ceremonies, I think you'd suddenly find more adults taking them seriously.
As for what you've said about Nintendo, I find your comments to be rather ironic. Although you have your panties in a jumble over the lack of respect towards videogames, you seem to want all games to sink to using the gimicks of violence and sexual content to sell themselves, lest they be seen as "kiddy." Gamers stand atop their soapboxes and denounce style over substance. Yet, when Nintendo creates a game that is a shining example of function over form, it is shunned by some of these very same people just because of the package it comes wrapped in. I don't buy that, and I simply cannot respect it. Would films enjoy the mass market success they do if every one featured such "mature content" as visceral carnage and gratuitous sex?
P.S. If I'd simply removed all of the profanities in this letter rather than replacing them, it would have been 5 words long.
P.P.S. Yup.
| I can't wait to meet a reader I can scream at and exchange blows with! |
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Hmmmm...
I played the FF8 Demo yesterday...
Very good, Square. Very good.
It seemed really quite difficult. I had to draw Cures just about every
fight. Not to sound like some lame sports game playing graphic loving
all american rpg-newbie but...I really like the graphics.
Very crisp even for a demo. Music, pretty good. I was however
heartbroken over the...See if you can't gaze into the future and guess
what I'm going to say...
TRANSLATION. "Maybe some day I'll tell you my romantic plan!" Ugh. Screw
grammar, screw over use of dashs and qoute marks, but for the love of
all that is holy and pure, try and make the characters sound somewhat
Alive.
In all honesty Drew, what CAN we do besides all this amazingly annoying
bitching? Someone kidnap Ted Woosley and drag him back to Square in a
sack for gods sakes.
The cancel button being the Triangle was a tad pain in the assish but
I'm sure that'll be corrected.
And something I've been curious about...How much does the GIA earn per
click for the banners?
~Ian P.
What did Hillary say to Bill when he asked if she'd ever done anything
like he did? "Close, but no cigar" Ba dum bump.
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There's a perfect example of what I'm talking about when I bitch about Square's translations. No native speaker of the English language would ever phrase a setence like that in such a manner. I'd say that the the characters in Square's games sound like automatons, but if there really were humanoid robots, even they wouldn't sound so stiff and lifeless. Sure, it's grammatically correct, but it still sounds incredibly lame.
What can we do about it? Absolutely nothing. That's why we all sit around typing out terse little letters and snickering upon reading those of others. I'd like to think Square may eventually catch the drift, but I highly doubt it. Where are you on this one, EA?
As for banner prices, it varies from ad to ad. Trust me when I say that we aren't exactly getting rich here, however.
| Under cardiac arrest |
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Hello Drew,
I was reading your page today and got the distinct impression that you don't think adults play videogames.
"Do you really think most adults know how deep games like Final Fantasy VII or Xenogears are? Do you think they know just how far games have come along over the past few years graphically? Shen Mue being a prime example here. Do you think that they realize how good some game soundtracks are? Of course not. "
What I'm about to say will shock you, perhaps cause a coronary, so beware!
I am a 35 year old female, have a university degree and work on Bay St. (that's like Wall St for you American readers). Four of my friends, all over thirty, also like videogames. One co-worker, a father of three small children, has just finished FF7 and is agonizing over whether he should get a Dreamcast or wait on the PSX2. I'm thinking of buying both. We're both dubious about the Dolphin, so far.
Yes, we adults do know how far games have come along! Hell, my first videogame was....PONG, back in seventy-something. Oh God, I'm old! I love Castlevania:SOTN's soundtrack and my co-worker thinks FF7's soundtrack "rocks".
I even harbour sympathy for Sephiroth, for Pete sake! After all, that guy got set up by his own people, got driven insane, developed a disturbing fixation on his mother, and seems to think destroying the world is a good idea. Then there's Cloud. This guy has conversations with voices he hears in his head, and completely reinvented his own past! I'll bet that there are psychiatrists who play FF7 just because of these characters!
So there, we're not all past redemption! Even though our bodies are aging and becoming decrepid, our spirits are still sixteen years old!
Hmm, is that a good thing, Drew?
Drew?
Hello, Drew, are you there? I didn't kill you did I? Shoot, I lose more column editors that way.
-RP
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I never said that there are absolutely no adults playing games, I just said that they are in extremely, extremely low numbers. We're talking the number of active brain cells in Elizabeth Berkley's head numbers here. It's great to hear from an older gamer, and a female one at that, don't get me wrong. It's just a shame there aren't more people adults as enlightened as you are.
Go spread the word. Make people realize. Whether they like it or not. Physical torture is permissible.
| Er, hi Mom... |
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Have you heard the rumor, that Ryuichi Sakamoto is going to compose the
music for FF9. If it's true, FF9 promises to have the most kick ass
soundtrack of all the FF games. Please Mr Agent, tell me what to believe.
Last what do you think of Jade Cocoon? Is there a rpg beneath all this
Pokemon crap?
Thanks,
Your mom
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I'd tell you what to believe if I knew myself. Everything surrounding that is still just rumor, but I'd crap a brick if Nobuo didn't do the soundtrack.
As for Jade Cocoon, I'm still plugging through it, so I can't give you a conclusive, set in stone opinion just yet. I have to say that while it does rely heavily on the whole monster-capturing thing, it has a rather cool story to go along with it thus far.
| Idiot. |
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The other day before I went to work, I took my gameboy color so I could play
Mario DX on my break. Of course, my 6 year old brother bitched that he
wanted to play Pokemon Pinball, so I told him to f*ck off. It's the only
gameboy in the house and I bought it. (skip ahead 8 hours) I get home from
work and I here a weird vibrating noise. I follow the noise to find my
brother playing Pokemon Pinball on Super Gameboy WITH THE RUMBLE ON! I
promptly pimp-slapped him. I later tried my SNES and just as I feared, it is
now permanently damaged. And the most screwed up part, my mom took away all
my consoles because I gave my bro' a black eye.
-sincerely,
a pissed off gamer
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Dear reader, your brother is obviously a moron. I suggest ramming the cartridge up his ass repeatedly until he realizes how your Nintendo feels. The eventual and inevitable blood loss will bring enlightenment. Or death.
| Damn. |
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The words you use have too many syllables. And you should try not to use
the subjunctive clause so often. What's wrong with you?
--
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You know, every day I get at least one or two letters complaining about something I do or don't do with the column. The column's too short, the column's too long. My answers are too short, my answers are too long. I'm not serious enough, I'm not funny enough. But this, well, this is a definite first.
I'd say that I would try to stop doing it, but I'm not exactly sure what it is this letter is asking me to put an end to. Is that even an actual sentence participle?
| Actual questions |
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Interesting column yesterday. The focus was not a console war, a voice
acting debate, or anything "normal." Happy meal memories and dogs, and
such. Weird and interesting new spin, let's see if I can pull us out of
it.
1 Will there be any significant changes to Jade Cocoon when it is
released? I got kind of attached to my OPM demo, but once while booting
I realized it said there may be SIGNIFICANT changes to the final
version. I'd just like to make sure its mostly the same thing before I
blow a week's salary (yeah part-time jobs don't pay a heck of a lot when
you work 2 or 3 days a week).
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I never played the OPM demo, but I'm guessing that's just the usual disclaimer you had there. I doubt it will be much different in its final form from what you're expecting, especially when you consider that the game is just a translated and slightly souped up port.
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2 Metal Gear PC port. I've asked this a number of times before to you
guys and on the web board and have received no response at all. I was
wondering how the PC will handle the lack of Dual Shock. The subtle
vibrations really added to it, but I don't think a force-feedback
joystick would suffice. Who would ever play a game like that with a
plane joystick anyway?
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Since it's neither a first person shooter, flight sim, or war strategy game, it won't do that well in the PC market anyway.
Oh, take that PC gamers. I sure showed you with my broad, semi-truthful snipe.
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3 Is there an easier way to get Battle Points in the Xenogears Battle
arena? I need like 10000 points to buy something, but every battle,
unless perfectly done, gives a meager 175 BP. Is there a trick to get
into a higher gear level? All that is available is level 0 and level
1. Easy and medium respectively. There must be a way to get a "hard"
option, right?
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To open the higher difficulty settings, you just have to win alot. The best way to get points is to get a flawless win every time on the highest setting. Piece of cake, right?
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4 Hardware is compatible overseas, but software is not, right? Just
need to make sure I know this before I buy a "Feliz Cumpleanos" present
for my PSX-owning buddy in Spain.
Thanks a bunch
-Alexander3025
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Hardware isn't really compatible the world over, like you say, for multiple reasons. For one thing, Spain uses a different television format than we do here in the States. Also, they have different electrical currents coming out of their wall sockets over there.
Since all you're worried about is the software, as long as your friend has a chip or a code card that allows him to play imported games, he'll be fine. Otherwise, you may as well just send him a blank CD, because it will accomplish the same thing.
Closing Comments
Was that column good for you? Don't worry about payment. Sending me your letters is payment enough.
-Drew Cosner, letters gigalo
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