People are strange when you're a stranger, and I'm about as strange as they get. - July 26th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. This column has Satanic undertones. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Some days this column is host to serious, heated debate, highlighted by in-depth, well thought out and composed letters. And then we have today.
In the words of Mister Bean, brace yourself.
| Quest for Dragon Quest. Guffaw. |
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I wanted to find know if they are planning any dragon warriors for any of the
new systems. About a year ago I heard that they were, but I haven't heard
any since. Please let me know.
Thanks,
David
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Enix has admittedly hammering away on Dragon Quest VII for the Playstation for what seems like an eternity now. The game has been delayed so many times, that many wonder if it will ever be released. The graphics in what screenshots Enix has released are horribly, terribly dated by today's standards. DQVII has been steadily slipping down the Japanese "Most Wanted" charts to the point where ultra-cool games like "Nail More" are edging it out. If Enix doesn't make some kind of move soon, it may be too late.
| Where's the beef? |
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Hey, where in the hell IS the beef, anyway? Has anyone ever answered that question?
-Elvis
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One man from Boise, Idaho by the name of Ernest Spunklemeister had devoted his entire life to answering just that question. He sold off his home and belongings, lost touch with his family and friends, and finding the answer he sought became the sole focus of his life. He drove from town to town following clues and questioning all who he felt may have some leads. Any leads at all.
One time he was asked why he searched so tirelessly for the beef. His answer was simple, but moving. He said, "God damn, it's so disappointing when I open that burger and this tiny freakinging slab of freaking horse shit is sitting in there trying to pass itself off as beef. Screw that. That beef is out there, and I'm gonna find it."
Screw that, indeed.
A few years back, when the lameass ad campaign had long since disappeared along with such classics as "Mikey likes it" and "I've fallen and I can't get up", Spunklemesiter confided in a few close associates that he felt he was finally "on the right track". These say that he expected to have the answer within the week thanks to a new "informant", although he was highly secretive about said informant's identity. Wednesday of that very week, Mister Spunklemesiter disappeared. He hasn't been heard from since.
There have been others since Mister Spunklemeister who have attempted to discover the whereabouts of the beef, and all have suffered similar fates.
The beef is out there.
| Play dead |
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I see from your response to Ruff Ryder about his(?) dogs that you are
well-trained in canine assassination. I was wondering if you'd be
willing to do a job for me...
You see, my neighbor's dogs are the ultimate pinnacle of evil on this
earth. Every night, without fail, they are perfectly quiet until 3-5
minutes before I turn out the lights. As soon as they sense that I
intend to sleep, they begin barking and howling loudly, and don't stop
for at least half an hour, if not longer.
I've been tempted to call the police about this, or simply buy a shotgun
and do the job myself, but your quick and easy method sounds far more
attractive, and keeps my hands clean. How much do you charge? And is
there a flat fee per dog, or does it vary according to size and/or
breed?
-Andy
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I charge per the pound, and home security features are taken into consideration. Larger, more vicious breeds such as rottweilers or dobermans are $1.25 per pound for the "decommisioning." "Travel expenses" are an additional $0.50 per pound multiplied by the distance dragged in feet should you choose to have the bodies disposed of. Smaller breeds such as toy poodles and beagles are $0.85 per pound, but the same distance pricing stands.
Homes with lower-end security features such as motion-sensing flood lights are an additional flat rate of $25.00 paid up front. Homes with higher-end security features such as barbed wire, or jobs that require breaking into the dog owner's house are a bit pricier, although the exact amount varies. Again, this is paid for up front.
Of course, if money's a concern, you can get the Budget Package. For 10 bucks a piece I'll give 'em a good knock on the head with a big stick and blame it on society.
Warning: If you take this seriously and honestly believe that I kill dogs, there is a distinct possibility that you may be a moron. Contact your local veterinarian immediately and arrange to have yourself put down, thus helping to preserve the planet's limited supply of oxygen which you are wasting a portion of each and every day.
| Don't be a wussy |
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Hail ye olde master of Letters,
I don't understand something. Whats the big deal about the banners?
They're just a way of insuring you guys(and ladies=]) keep the site running.
I'm all for this. I don't really care whether I have to click on some lame
picture of Britanny Spears or a gigantic tampon so long as the GIA satallite
keeps rotating. Personally, the only adds I ever get are for some lame
telephone company. And quite frankly, I'd rather look and/or oggle at
Britanny Spears' Playtex underwire, than some mindnumbing ad for Auto
insurance. Hell, if I had -MY- way, you agents would have some big juicy
porn ads
a-flowin' to offest the gay interpretations of Final Fantasy characters in
the fan art. For the rest of you male readers who lack the Cajones to click
on a bra commercial, I say SUCK IT UP! If not for yourselves, do it for the
GIA and its hard working Agents.
End of Sermon---
-EidosWetsuit
P.S. Don't be wussies--click the stupid banners.
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I always said that I wouldn't push banner clicking in my column. That doesn't mean I can't let readers do it!
Heh heh heh.
To be quite honest, the Wonderbra ads blow the telephone company ads away in click-through rates. It's too bad we can't post porn banners, we'd be millionaires in a week.
| Hypocritical |
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I'm sorry Drew...
I have to send in a letter every day, or I'll explode.
~Ian P.
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Hey, I never said that having anything meaningful or relevant to say was one of the requirements. I'd be a total hypocrite if I had.
| Out of touch |
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All right, I've set the Bust-A-Groove soundtrack that I personally ripped
from the game CD on repeat. This is gonna be a good one, folks........
After my normal Star Ocean 2 blitz which lasted 15 total hours last night,
I decided to take a leisurely drive..... er, bike ride to the mall to check
if the Metal Slug machine had been fucked over by any idiots at the arcade.
On my way inside, a news reporter stopped me with the phrase, "Excuse me. I
notice you were heading into the arcade. Do you mind if I ask some
questions?" I decided that Metal-Slugging today could wait.
We sat down on a bench near the Dairy Queen and began talking, with her
taking notes. She was writing for the local newspaper, doing the usual
"Recoil-from-the-Columbine" story. For repetitiveness's sake, I'll leave
that bit out. Then she brought up the bit about her son.
"My son has the same particular hobby going on about video games-"
"It's not really a hobby for some people. I, for instance, get extremely
involved."
"Really? Well, my son plays games like Tecmo Ice Hockey, Super Mario, and
Plok. I... er... was wondering if you can help me take an interest in
these."
Hmm. Sports and platformers for the Super Nintendo. Although today's
modern arcades are tightly equipped with redemption games, I would be able
to manage. I took her into the arcade and, while it wouldn't be the most
approving thing availible, I took her to Metal Slug, showing her some basic
stuff. While looking rather disgusted at the merciless killing and
replacement of blood with gray stuff, she began to take a pretty good
interest. She got to the third level. Pretty good for someone who's
normally shit at these sort of things, ne?
While I wasn't the ass-kickingnessed-dudeman at sports games, I showed her
to the NFL Blitz '99 machine (which is the only sports game I would ever
play, if you're wondering) and pumped in several tokens before she was
through.
Within minutes, she spent 20 bucks on stuff like House of the Dead,
Revolution-X, that old Michael Jackson Moonwalker machine in the back, and
it was pretty hard to get her on the Moto Racer 2 bike, (Undignified? Feh.)
but she gave in eventually. We exchanged phone numbers and went our
separate ways.
My point: Are adults truly out of touch?
Do I get hurt when you throw a knife at me?
-Cedric "Lobstaboy" Henry
"Like Arnold Schwarzenegger I'm the only true era-"
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I think that adults could get into games just as much as the rest of us if they gave them a try. It all boils back down to the fact that they see games as little happy-joy joy finger toys that the kiddies play, and are completely unaware of the true depth of some titles.
Think about it. The full extent of the average adult' gaming knowledge is based upon those completely objective and non-biased news reports that portray them as tools of Satan, capable of causing kids to become big nasties with a penchant for offing other people. Do you really think most adults know how deep games like Final Fantasy VII or Xenogears are? Do you think they know just how far games have come along over the past few years graphically? Shen Mue being a prime example here. Do you think that they realize how good some game soundtracks are? Of course not.
For them to ever realize these things, games need to be featured in some kind of forum that is considered respectable. Featuring game music in the Grammy Awards, should that actually come to pass, is an excellent start. Let's just hope that sort of thing continues to happen.
| 4 arms |
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I remember the glorious days of the Hot Wheels collection. Not only did the
cars actually move (1989) but the Happy Meal boxes folded out into like three
car garages! How economical! I never threw away a Happy Meal box away for
like three months! Anyways, the fake arm you spoke of it a promo for
Inspector Gadget, collect all his parts *shudders* and you build him. My
little sister alas, has gotten four arms. Damn commies.
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A couple people wrote in to tell me what the arm promotion was, and now I know. I realized it must have been a part of something. Of course, that doesn't negate the fact that the entire Happy Meal toy is a freaking arm. Why don't they just give kids little globs of plastic and tell them that it's a pile of ninja warrior poo. I'm sure it would save them the time and hassles of those pesky toy-planning sessions, and it would be about as much fun to play with as an arm.
| Now this is some weird shit |
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While browsing through your letters column one day, a thought came to me.
Seeing as I do no physical activity whatsoever and I read your column at
least five times a day, I decided that there must be some reason that I had
not yet turned into a giant spud. And finally, after much research, I have
found the reason.
Your column is enriched with vitamins and minerals! I discovered this one
day after printing out your column. I was going to show a particularly
hilarious part to my friends, when I discovered that the food supplies in
my house had run dangerously low. Thinking quickly, I ate your column. Now,
while being high in fiber (obviously) the column provided me with much more
nutrition than competing letters columns! I was, with much joy, able to
once again have the stregnth needed to play "The Star Spangled Banner" with
my armpits.
However, this was not without some adverse side effects. I had accidentally
also eaten the part of the page that had the advertisements on it, and
suddenly I had a great urge to buy Playtex. I managed to see my own madness
and beat myself senseless with a tack hammer before the shopping spree
could begin.
When I awoke, five hours later, I reprinted your column one hundred and
seventy three times. Eating every last shred of paper was, indeed, quite a
task, but I was prepared for it. Soon, my muscles had grown to such size
that they had torn through my sleeves, and I was off to compete in the Mr.
Universe competition.
I have tried similar things with many different letters columns over the
years, but yours is obviously the most nutritionally balanced. Thank you,
and keep up the good work.
Even though the Playtex thing was a bit disturbing.
-Cowman
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For a while I sat and tried to think of an appropriately odd response that would do this letter justice. It's not everyday you get something quite this unusual, especially since coming up with this crap requires thought or fairly expensive drugs.
But then I remembered my Humor Mantra: "What would Earthbound do?"
The answer was obvious. A New Age Retro Hippie would medidate and then attack this letter mercilessly in a blind, hippie rage until it had no choice but to pour ketchup on some french fries in order to recover its health. Naturally, should this letter survive beyond that by beating the hell out of the hippie with a Wiffle Bat, it would have no choice but to rid its hometown of streetgangs dressed as mimes. So, let the treatment commence.
Chew on this, bitch.
| Happy Meal memory |
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I've got a happy meal story. I believe the year was...well I dont recall
right off hand, the promotional tie in was mario, or nintendo, or
something . Who honestly gives a flying f**k. Anyway...My story begins
with a rather ugly kid anxious toget his hand on the crappy plastic
prize, and four peculiar tasting McNuggets. Unfortunetly it ends with
gallon upon gallon of ungodly liquids rocketing out of every orifface of
my bod.....on second thought....no ,no I don't have any happy meal
stories.
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Proving once again that you don't actually need to have anything important to say to get into my letters columns.
Closing Comments
That was one weirdass column. It reminds me of the letters section Ultra Game Players used to have back in the day, which works for me since that was always one of my favorite parts of the magazine.
Next thing you know, I'm going to be threatening people with "The Box" and making vague references to some guy named "Gazuga". If nothing else, this should at least slow down the flow of those "Hey, pull that stick out of your ass, Cosner" letters.
Er, not that I get any of those or anything.
-Drew Cosner, stranger amongst us
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