The Happy Meal of letters columns - July 24th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I couldn't really think of a good hidden message today, sue me. Don't say I didn't warn you.
You were probably expecting a good videogame-related rant to start the column with, Right? Well, you're not going to get that. Instead, I have something far more important to talk about: Happy Meal toys.
See, I was over at my aunt and uncle's home, and my younger cousin was opening the prize in her happy meal. When I was a kid, we'd get crap, let's not mistake that. I remember such entirely rad toys as one of the Fraggles riding in a cucumber car, a plastic Mario that did absolutely nothing, or the Matchbox car with the wheels that were formed of the same piece of plastic as the actual body so that kids couldn't choke on the small parts. And, let's face it, you'd get them home, play with them for five seconds before realizing that all of your real toys were far more enjoyable to play with, and then cram them into the couch cushions for somebody else to sit on. Your parents got to feel all cool buying you your little toy, you got to watch some unsuspecting fool get a Fraggle car up the ass, everyody was happy.
But the stuff McDonalds is trying to pass off as a Happy Meal toy now is absolutely pathetic, if the toy my cousin was eyeing with a disgusted look on her face is any indication. The entire toy was an arm. That's it. It didn't wind up, it didn't bounce, it didn't talk... it was just a freaking arm. I'm sure it was part of some kind of promotion; maybe it was supposed to be a prosthetic replacement for an injured Barbie or something. All I know is that there isn't a moment's worth of enjoyment that can be derived from a plastic arm.
If McDonalds can't produce decent Happy Meal toys, we may as well just give President Clinton the go-ahead to mock some heavily-stocked third world country that recently bought a bunch of nukes at a Russian garage sale. This would effectively trigger the end of the planet and human species, and not a moment too soon. I, for one, do not feel that a species incapable of delivering a decent Happy Meal toy should be allowed to continue existing.
| The way of the ass-hole |
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Drew, I just want to say that those smartass awards were uncalled for.
Just because someone is smarter than you does not, by any means, give
you the right or even the correct opportuity to crack a joke you sick
little son-of-a-bitch! It wears on me that the people in this socioty,
and in the gamming sub-culture for that matter are treated like durt.
This is the very resson that we are stuck with crapy translations and
piss-ant cencors. Just think if it was the other way around. The smart
people would acutualy be smart 'nuf to send all you dumb bastards to
Ausie-Land like the English did! (nothing agin' the Australians, mind
you.) This type of seensless bable is the kind of thing that gets you
bad PR, sulfuric asid put in you jar of wackin' gell, and little red
dots that seem to come from the shadows right on your forehead. Also,
yes my spelling is bad, but this don't mean that I am some 12 year old
dooshbag that likes to fancy himself smart.
(don't go the way of the ass-hole, my son.)
-Bradley Lancaster
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Although I'm impressed by your ability to percieve the award as an anti-gamer statement, I think you're missing the point. The Smartass Award is meant to be a bit of an incentive. When I get a letter that I feel goes a long way to help clear up a commonly misunderstood subject, or is just plain insightful and intelligent, I will give it the Smartass Award.
Be warned, the award won't be handed out all that often, so kudos to those of you who do manage to earn it.
| Voice acting |
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I frequently visit this site, and it seems almost everone one the letters page is against voice actors portraying video game characters. One question : WHY? I mean, hearing a character's voice (when done properly) adds so much to a game. What if fighting games had text boxes down at the bottom for screams and yells, but no voices?
What would Metal Gear Solid have been without voices? One really frickin' long silent movie, I suppose. (The whole game was pretty much a cinema, but I digress) Voices added to that game a lot. What if movies were like that? It would suck. Imagine if you will.....going to see South Park without the outrageous voices....Not hearing the screams of dying men in Saving Private Ryan....etc, etc.
Hearing voices helps when you have friends over. I mean, who wants to sit there and read aloud all the parts in an RPG for their friends? (How many people have done this? Am I the only one?) It sucks. I know, RPG's aren't intended to be multiplayer games. But why not? I mean, teaming up with your best bud to get through a dungeon, or kill the really evil final boss, whould kick butt. If Star Ocean was multiplayer, it would be so cool. Kudos goes to FF3(6) and Lunar for including multiplayer support.
ANYWAY, in summation, voices only add to a game, if done properly. Even in Resident Evil (shudder), it was better to hear the people rather than read their lines. Oh, yeah, theme songs are pretty cool for video games, even if they suck. Lunar's songs were cool.
-Clint Corman / Gotenks86
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A lot of people are worried that the voice acting would suck, thus lessening the experience rather than buiding upon it. I can't say I blame them. If I had to estimate, I'd say 1 out of every 50 games to attempt voice overs has been successful. And I'm not being picky here; by successful I don't mean it has to be an Oscar-winning performance or anything, I just mean it doesn't totally suck ass.
It's really pretty cut and dry. Good voice acting adds to the experience, bad voice acting taketh away.
| GAMES |
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Go to Hell, Lammy.
Well Gabriel Tarr was right...I DON'T care anymore. If you people have
the know-how and the spare time to send in so many letters regarding
clock speeds, I feel you should be able to successfully infiltrate the
hierarchy's of Nintendo, Sony, or Sega, and tell us one of two things:
1) What ***GAMES*** the systems will have,
2) or which system will be heavyest so that I can buy that one to
clobber people over the head with, that being the only other popular use
a game system has without ***GAMES***.
I really should go out and argue and debate more so I don't write
letters like this.
~Ian P.
P.S. I'm never going to get a Smartass Award am I?
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Ah, but you forget that in order to lure developers to a system in the first place, it has to offer something a bit more technologically superior than the competition. Of course, once the ball gets rolling, and it becomes obvious which system has the better support, that becomes a moot point. But in the beginning, better, or at least competitive, technology is key.
P.S. That's entirely up to you.
| Smarter than your average jaded gamer |
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Agent Cosner:
While I would hope most people would be against censorship in games, I also
think they must take a step back and be a bit more pragmatic. Is getting a
slightly chopped version of a game better than not getting a version of the
game at all??
What must first be understood about religious situations in Japan is how
different it is from America, namely that Christianity is not the basis of
ethical values. Take a look at the Megami Tensei line of games. All deal with
various types of mythology, including Christian angels and devils. But it is
from a removed point of view. I do not believe the creators of these games
intended to make a statement about the Christian way of life, simply to
recall the images of good and evil that it represents (I believe this opinon
has been brought up before).
The point is, Japanese developers put Christian references, like Hell in
UmJammer, and it is perfectly acceptable, simply an allusion. American
producers become paranoid because of the possibility of backlash, and change
the game to avoid conflict.
I can live with the changes in UmJammer. (Of course, it's all moot thanks to
the English-heavy Jap version...) But how far can it go? Maken X will have
the Nazi imagery taken out before it arrives on the dreamcast. I'm getting a
little scared about some violent scenes in the schools of Persona 2 being
changed. But what i really want to know is, how far can censorship go before
it's ceasing to make a game acceptable and starts actually changing the core
of the game??
-Miaowara Shiro, the Slightly More Jaded Than Usual Gamer
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I never said that I don't understand why Sony did it, I just said that it's lame. I also wanted people to realize that Niintendo isn't the only big, bad meanie going around and "ruining" games.
| Chronic clicker |
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You know, when I visit your site, I click on the ads. Even the Playtex ones.
-Somebody really cool
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With all this talk about the Smartass Award, I bet you'd forgotten about the Sexalicious award, hadn't you?
Well, sir, for your continued support of the GIA, and your willingness to go above and beyond the usual level of readership, I award you with the Sexailicious Award.
Wear it with pride, my friend. But be sure not to let it come into close contact with a Smartass Award, that will create a rift in the Time-Space Continuum.
| Dead Doggs |
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Where my doggs at?
-Ruff Ryder
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Well, I was hoping you wouldn't come around asking, but their constant barking finally drove me insane. Whil you were away at work the other day, I poured Drain-O into their water dish, and later hauled their dead carcasses to a nearby ditch.
Hey, I called and requuested of you that they be kept inside at night, you were given ample warning.
| You are correct, sir |
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Drew, you fatass, you-
My girlfriend and I are having a huge debate about Xenogears. She
says Miang was not one of the original Elements and I say she was. I
specifically remember a scene in the game when Sigurd and Citan are
talking about her when Fei and Citan first meet her. Sigurd says to
Citan "So she's here too, then.." and then Citan says "Yes." Sigurd then
says "So all four Elements are on the ground now.." This obviously
means that Sigurd, Citan, Jesiah, and Miang were the original elements,
right? Please end this debate for us. Thank you, and i love your column!
-Jedi Two Five Six
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Yes, you're right, Miang was an Element. You yourself have given adequate explanation.
It seems to me you just want a chance to prove your girlfriend wrong after losing hundreds of bets to her. Well, you were right and she was wrong. I hope that gets you some.
Closing Comments
I've hidden a glass of milk somewhere in your home. See if you can find it before it starts to smell.
-Drew Cosner
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