This will teach you not to cross Moses Magnum! - June =10th, 1999 - Allan Milligan
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Don't say I didn't warn you. :)
Meep. | Power launching | Did you hear about how the Dreamcast is almost surely going to have the largest launch in the history of consoles with it's record-breaking pre-sales? I'm pretty relieved to hear this since I got a bit worried for Sega when the PSX 2 was revealed and everyone saw it as the instant death of Sega. Stupid press. I guess word of mouth is still fairly positive. Are you going to be picking one up? I'm guessing that you will be since you seem like the type who buys every system. What are your feelings about the system? I played it at my friend's house and it seemed pretty spiffy (Power Stone kicks ass) and I'll almost certainly be getting one some time or another, but I still am kinda doubtful since Sega seems to be looking into a DVD add-on. Didn't they learn with Sega CD? You fools! Don't divide your fanbase so early on! Anyway, I've said too much already, I just have one more important bit of advice: Never rub another man's rubarb. -thomservo |
I'll be passing on the Dreamcast, at least initially, unless Sega decides to donate one to me or something. I'm undecided on the prospects of the system, and with massive university fees looming overhead, I need to keep as much money free as possible. I'm having to move heaven and earth to afford FF8, much less a whole new system plus games. For me, the only "gotta have it" game on the system is Climax Landers. Once it's on the market, and assuming the DC looks like a good long-term investment, I may pick it up. But not initially. I just can't afford it. | Reorganized | DA Sensei- (Well, not really, but it rhymes) I was surfing around the net once more, noting with great interest the many new games Square seems to be readying for launch, when a questionoccurred to me. Didn't Square make an announcement some time ago that theywould be reorganizing both the company and their development teams so thatthey'd only release 2-3 truly great games a year, as opposed to 8-9 mediocreones? If this is the case, why does it look like we're in for a tsunami ofmany prime Square games? On the Japanese side Square's already released SagaFrontier II and is getting close to Legend of Mana, and now they're talkingabout things like Dew Prism, Parasite Eve 2, a new Final Fantasy style gameand possibly Vagrant's Story (FFT2?) Admittedly, none of these games fallsinto the Another Mind or Chocobo Racing abomination category, but it seemslike Square's way, way over what they were talking about doingproduction-wise. Were these games already in the pipe when thereorganization happened, or what? Anyway enough ranting. One final question: I like Lunar a lot, but someof the tracks on the music CD sound like they was done by Yanni. Is my copydefective, and if so, can I exchange it? -coldjones |
The releases by Square for the next six months, I expect, will not be taking the new "three releases a year" development pattern Square set for itself. Most of the games we're seeing released right now would have been in development for a long time before this new development plan was invented, much less implemented. And, as each team finishes their project, they'll likely get to work on the new system. But there are probably about three or four games in development right now that will be completed before the new system comes into play. | More Xenogears theories | The letter Xeno theories was well made. But I have one small quarrelwith something. I believe that the Ethos represents the Christian religion, and not theNisan Sect. Why? Well, let's look at the evidence. 1. In Japan, the Ethos was called The Church, and that is used to referto Christianity often. 2. The amount of Biblical references the Ethos used. Like "Merkava" theArk of God, and especially when one man said, "True faith comes from astrong doctrine." 3. The Nisan Sect, if it is about anything, is about finding God in yourown heart, which is against hard faith such as Christianity. Elly oncesaid something when talking to Margie in Nisan before she left the partypermanently. Furthermore, if we look at things this way, we can tell that the innermessage is that you have to find God in yourself, and not in an outerfaith. This is proven in the unmasking of the corrupt Ethos, theconversation between Billy and Jessie when battling Stone, and theconversation that I told about previously. If this is the case, than the programmers might not be promotingAtheism, but rather finding God within oneself, which agrees more withConfuceism (sp.) and a few other Asian religions. Now, down to the point. Deus, is not God. From the very start, the WaveExistence had been the only true God. Deus was just a weapon, anemulator of God. The reason that Fei and gang were able to defeat Deuswas because they had found God in their hearts. The reason that Deuslost was, although he had God in his heart, it was done artificiallywithout any true faith. Let's see how much controversy this stirs up. -zebracow |
Another letter-writer came to the same conclusion, that the Nisan sect was a much more Eastern-styled religion than the Ethos are. Ergo, while they were both religions, and therefore Xenogears wasn't pro-atheism, the Nisan/Ethos division was an illustration of how Eastern religions were a lot more powerful and spiritually fulfilling than Western ones. | Cuddly bunnies | Hey, I have a couple of questions for you. 1) Is there any chance of Crash Bandicoot 4 being a launch title for PSX2? I mean, Nintendo always launches with Mario, and Sega with Sonic, so wouldn't it make sense for Sony to launch with a mascot of their own? 2) Does Square or Electronic Arts have any plans to develop for Dreamcast? If they don't then I don't think I'll be buying one. Thanks. |
First off, I wouldn't be surprised to see Crash Bandicoot as a launch title for the PSX2. Either that or a sequel to Spyro the Dragon. They seem to be the only successful mascot-type games on the PSX, and simply to cover all the bases, I expect. Secondly, Square has no plans to develop for the Dreamcast at this time. Electronic Arts probably will - they've never been too picky about platform choice, and if the DC is to be a force in the US market, they need EA's sports development houses backing it. | Girls, jerks, and me | The whole "why do girls like jerks" debate has long fascinated me, and Ithink I may have something to throw into the hat. Due to certain unavoidablecircumstances pertaining to my conception, I can't give Wulfgang the femaleperspective he's looking for, but I can provide you all with a view from theinside of the system, part confession, part parable: I'm what a lot of people would call, and a few people have called, "a jerk."I've got a lanky frame, pointy features, and a haughty voice with traces ofa British accent. I'd like to think of myself as reasonably witty andintelligent, but I generally choose to demonstrate this by belittling theidealistic and ridiculing the stupid. Girls, usually insecure ones, ofteninterpret my edgy appearance and behaviour as an implication that I amsomehow superior. Dating, I find, is often a form of social climbing, andanything you can find (be it looks, money, or unnaturally large or shapelysex organs) to make yourself seem superior can be fantastic leverage. Hence,to simplify a bit, girls like me. Nice racket, really. Until something comesalong to fuck it up. I met this girl with a tense, pulled back mouth, a sleek minimalist figure,and a contemptuous look in her eyes. She's intelligent and witty too,probably more so than myself, and twice as caustic. She's what a lot ofpeople might call, and a few people have called, "a bad girl." Another thingI've discovered about dating is that people tend to be attracted to peoplewho mirror their own best features, and as such I fell madly in love withher, and she with me. It happens to assholes too. Considering all of the miraculous things that meeting someone you love cando, it does very little to change your fundamental social persona or rootedbehaviours. As such we torment and attack each other ceaselessly; cuttingremarks and subtle betrayals are the only forms of social interaction we'repractised in. It's really quite miserable, but I don't see either of usmellowing out or breaking it off any time soon. I'm loath to impose trite morals on top of stories, but if there's one pieceof advice I can give to nice guys (and probably girls) out there it's tojust keep being your nice and decent selves. It's really only a matter oftime before someone holds you in high in enough regard to love you, or lowenough regard to fuck you (if that's what you're looking for). It beats mostof the manipulative quick fixes out there, even if it seems futile at themoment. Helps to have unnaturally large or shapely sex organs, though; can'treally see any downside to those. Email me at ad339@is7.nyu.edu if you have anything to add; as I've said, theidea fascinates me. -PKO |
Not sure how this ties into video games, but thought it was a cool letter, so I printed it. Ba-dum-bum. | The other Brave Fencer fan | Hey double agent Your column rocks! Okay, so about all this xenogears stuff... in my opinion, the game was not really about atheism, but about searching independently for true religion and always challenging your beliefs. Not just blindly accepting the faith of your culture or family. Btw... did you want Brave Fencer or Xenogears to compare unfavorably? My guess would be Xenogears since IMO it sucked completely!!! I despise this ever growing trend of interactive movies in Square's games. Whatever happened to the good old rpgs in which the player had at least some control over the game? Even if the plots were linear, one could at least walk around and shop or work or whatever and pretend to be in control. When I realized that the second cd of xenogears was one looonnngg movie with intermittent fights I almost quit the whole game in disgust. If FF8 continues this trend (as i fear it will) I will write Square a very nasty letter and go back to playing Dungeons & Dragons!! Though childish, Brave Fencer Musashi was always fun. It never preached at me or tried to right moral wrongs or educate the children of the world... it was simply a fun game. I don't know why Square thinks good games have to be dramatic and moralistic. I also feel that maybe I should try to clear up the complicated "nice guy" issue. Of course girls want to date considerate guys, but I think there's still a primitive genetic desire for a virile man who can kill woolly mamoths and drag them back to the cave singlehandedly. My best advice is to be nice but assertive. Believe it or not, most girls think guys are sappy! Megan the psychotic punk |
Most guys. I, meanwhile, am generally thought to be worrisome. I wonder why? :) Ahem. Glad you enjoyed Brave Fencer Musashi. You're now the third person I know who genuinely enjoyed it. You and Fritz Fraundorf would get along really well, I think. I've got to say, by the by, that your explanation of Xenogears' theme and intent was really well-put. I'll drag it out next time this discussion pops up, okay? | Emperor Seanbaby | Reading your column yesterday, I realized something. The ruthless cruelty, theflesh-tearing sarcasm... You have been swayed to the dark side.Specifically... Seanbaby. He is the emperor and you are his Darth Vader. If this means your column will be as funny as his page, then keep it up! -sanagi Who is not, and never will be, Some conniving righteously gay jamboree whohides out in spray cheese |
Well, I did come up as being like Darth Vader on the Star Wars personality test I wrote not long ago. Hmmm... Seanbaby, by the way, is the keeper of his self-titled home page. It is also the single funniest page I've ever laid eyes on. To say that I admire Seanbaby is like saying that I was in Showgirls in an unbilled role (I was Elizabeth Berkely's nipple double). What that statement means, I have no idea. I can never be as funny as Seanbaby. I can, however, plug his page constantly, and create a Seanbaby comic strip. | I rule | Hey I just saw Showgirls were those YOUR nipples! You RULE! - Jeffrey |
I'm normally opposed to printing purely ego-stroking letters, but hell, it's so seldom that my acting work is recognized, I figured I'd make an exception just this once. | No such thing as too long | Dear Mr. Double Agent, I would now like to share with you an idea. An idea so stupendous andgrand that it may very well alter your world forever. If you do not wantyour sad little reality violently rocked by said idea, I suggest youstop reading now. Still here? Ah... Very good. Now the time has come, mypretty, to speak of many things... The idea is simple, and came to me one night after seven bottles ofCaptain Morgans' and a 4 hour long VH1 marathon. A video game, one likeno other, more ambitious in scope and vision than even the ill-fatedCurious George video game, and perhaps even the Flogian Brothers. It'stitle: Michael Jackson: The Video Game. But wait, you say. There was oneof those! Moonwalker, right? Ah, very true. But this game will not justdetail the exploits of everyone's favorite formerly black singer through-one- music video, but indeed through every one the genius known as MJhas ever created. Let me explain. Each level, a different music video. Free exploration,plus random enemy encounters. The baddies, however, are defeated not byweapons or karate kicks, but by the plethora of amazing dance movesMikey has at his deposal. Using said moves lets you learn moreextravagant ones, ala Xenogears. Each move has the power to forcecertain enemies to forget their previous thoughts of villany and insteadconcetrate solely on dancing in synchronization, leaving thefleet-footed Jackson bro ample time to make good his escape. Of course,more powerful foes will require the use of more complicated manuvers:While a rogue zombie may be lured into rhythmic escasty with a simpleshoulder-bob+rapid side-to-side head rock, the more crafty Egyptianguards will only desert their Pharoh when faced with the might ofMichael's Super Moonwalk Attack!! Now, as a special treat to you, DA,here is a quick peek at a few of the levels contained within thisincrediably heterosexual game. Level 1- Thriller!-- Michael is joined by rookie cop Leon Kennedy asswarms of flesh-eating zombies tear through downtown Harlem! Can ourhero keep his naive cracker companion alive long enough to save Rae DawnChong from the clutches of ravaging undead?? Level 4- Beat It! -- MJ fights for his life on the rough and toughstreets of Chicago as two opposing street gangs vie for territory andthreaten to plunge the entire hood into all out, bloody war! Watch inawe as out hero soothes the pain of racial hatred and inter-gang rivalrywith a few well-placed spots of breakdancing. But look out, Mike! Someof these bandana clad hooligans want to do much more than dance! (Bonus Level- Scream!-- Basically, a game of Pong, but with really goodgraphics. Boring, yet fun to look at. Special guest star Son Gokuu!) Level 6- Just Stop Doggin' Me Around! -- Michael travels back to theassumed saftey of Neverland Valley Ranch, only to find his home hasfallen into the evil hands of the dark-souled Bones of the Elephant Man!Can Mike and Bubbles put aside their lust long enough to defeat the hugeMonty Python iguanas and their amusement park of doom in time to rescueElizabeth Taylor? Strap on your dancin' shoes and find out, bitch! Level 9- Black or White! -- It's MJ versus the world in an all outaction bonaza as our hero and the painfully sexy Macauly Culkin head offfrom the plains of Africa to the back alleys of Bejing to save Mac'stragically teleported pa! -Does- it really matter if you're black orwhite when the evil shapeshifters attack? -Can- Zulu tribesmen bust amove? -Will- Michael end up in bed with Mac's tender preteen ass? Offcourse! (Bonus Level- Beat the shit out of a helpless car! Mikey the werepantherunleashes his primal rage on an unsuspecting Dodge Charger! Beat thetime limit to hear the poorly dubbed italian voice of FF7's Cid proclaim"Oh... My... Car...!" while weeping like a fat homely girl at an N'Syncconcert.) Level 11- Do you Remember the Time??-- Who is the mastermind behindMichael Jackson's violent exploits across the universe?! You guessed it,Eddie Murphy. Take the battle to his front door, but only if you arebrave enough to face Deebo, Shaq, and a whole phalanx of Imhotepworshiping palace guards! Quick, MJ! Use Super Moonwalk now! It's youronly hope to defeat Dr. Dolittle himself and win the hand of thedepressingly female Iman! Well, that was long as hell, which probably crushes what little chanceit had of being printed. I don't mind, though... I just wanted to sharethis with one other person. You should feel honored. I'll let you knowwhen the game gets past pre-production stage. -Mini-Me- AKA The Divine Ape who goes by the name of your mom. |
Yep. Closing Comments This is a secret message. Decode it, you bastard. - Allan Milligan
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